It’s time to dust off the Idol poison pen and go to work for 2010. Ladies and gents, I present your Ladies Top 12!!! (Applause)
Hey, where’s Norman Gentle? This year’s auditions went sans the corny, not to be taken seriously characters. What’s up with that? Who will be this season’s Stunjaya, Chicken Sh*t Little and abNorman Gentle? Well at least we have another season where at least one contestant’s teeth leave something to be desired (I’ll get that later).
Let’s begin… First of all, the way the judges are seated is all wrong. It should be Dawg, Kara, Ellen Degenerate and Simon. BTW, was Ellen on some kind of ecstacy drug? She was WAY too nice about some of these performances. At least Simon went last most of the time, which is the right thing to do.
In any event, Billboard night, pretty much pick any damn song out there:
1. Paige Smiles – All Wrong Now: She was ok, but I hated this song for her. I tried singing this song at drunken karaoke one night and I sucked, but then again, I sung this song at karaoke… Nuff said. B-
2. Ashtray Rodriguez – Happy: This song didn’t make me. Again, it was just average, not terrible. This song and performance was forgettable, and in fact, I already forgot about it. C+
3. Janelle Squealer – What About Love: More like “what about stop”, as in stop killing my ears. The song was clearly out of her league and it kicked her @ss. D-
4. Tiger Lilly Scott – Fixing a Hole: The silver-haired folk singer is an early favorite of mine. She didn’t disappoint, as she picked a song that has never been done (and probably never will again) and made it original. Just outstanding. A
5. Gatlin’ Epperly – Oh Darling: our own Dez Moinez goldi-lox gal did a pretty good job and proved that she belongs. Second best performance so far. B+
6. Jackie Earle Haley Vaughn – I wanna hold your Hand: More like I wanna hold my head due to that horrific screeching. She tore this song a new @sshole and probably tore a hole in the space time continuum. F
7. Lacey Underalls Brown – Landslide: I was so rooting for this girl to do well, and she disappointed. The song, which is a good one, fell flat. She may be going home, which is too bad cuz she got mad potential. C-
8. My Shell Delamore – Falling: I wouldn’t have guessed that this girl is trying out for Idol. Talk about a polished and near-perfect performance. It was so flawless, it sounded lip-synched. A
9. ACDC Benami – The Way I Am: This the way Megan Caw! Caw! Corkery should have sounded last season if she had any talent. I think she can pull this off, but her nerves jangled it a little. Good, but kind of sloppy. B-
10. Syllabus Magnus Opus – Wicked Games: Some may disagree, but I thought this was brilliant. Lower register, crystal clear, power chords – check. High notes – check. Song was original, haunting, mystical. I was rather disappointed that she received criticism for this. Wasn’t this Adam Lambert’s recipe for success? A
11. Crystal Meth Butterteeth – Hand in my Pocket: I think the butter in the teeth got the creststrip treatment. It’s hard for me to criticize someone with this talent, but then again, I called Elliot Yamin “snaggletooth” all season long. Anyway, it was pretty decent—she is such a well-rounded musician/singer. She will go far. BTW, she did a good job on the song. A-
12. K. T. Stevens – Feeling Good: I hate this song, especially when kids sing it. I agree with the judges on this. She is talented, but pick better songs, for the love of all things holy!! This was bland and forgettable. C-
Ok, so here we are. This is supposed to be the year of the girl—we will see after tonight’s all doofus show. Personally, my early faves are Tiger Lily, My Shell DelAmore and Syllabus Magnus. Who will get the boot tomorrow??? This early in the competition, is it a talent show, or a popularity contest???
Rankings for the week:
Syllabus Magnus
MyShell DelAmore
Tiger Lily Scott
Crystal Creststrip
Gattlin Epperly
AcDc Benami
Ashtray Rodrigez
Paige Smiles
Lacey Underalls
KT Stevens
Jackie Earle Haley Vaughn
Janelle Squealer
Who is getting the boot??? Even though she wasn’t that bad, I can see Lacey going, but it should be Janelle and Jackie!!! They were both horrendous!
Stay tuned for Tool Academy tonight, oops I mean the men get to sing.
OUT
Hey, where’s Norman Gentle? This year’s auditions went sans the corny, not to be taken seriously characters. What’s up with that? Who will be this season’s Stunjaya, Chicken Sh*t Little and abNorman Gentle? Well at least we have another season where at least one contestant’s teeth leave something to be desired (I’ll get that later).
Let’s begin… First of all, the way the judges are seated is all wrong. It should be Dawg, Kara, Ellen Degenerate and Simon. BTW, was Ellen on some kind of ecstacy drug? She was WAY too nice about some of these performances. At least Simon went last most of the time, which is the right thing to do.
In any event, Billboard night, pretty much pick any damn song out there:
1. Paige Smiles – All Wrong Now: She was ok, but I hated this song for her. I tried singing this song at drunken karaoke one night and I sucked, but then again, I sung this song at karaoke… Nuff said. B-
2. Ashtray Rodriguez – Happy: This song didn’t make me. Again, it was just average, not terrible. This song and performance was forgettable, and in fact, I already forgot about it. C+
3. Janelle Squealer – What About Love: More like “what about stop”, as in stop killing my ears. The song was clearly out of her league and it kicked her @ss. D-
4. Tiger Lilly Scott – Fixing a Hole: The silver-haired folk singer is an early favorite of mine. She didn’t disappoint, as she picked a song that has never been done (and probably never will again) and made it original. Just outstanding. A
5. Gatlin’ Epperly – Oh Darling: our own Dez Moinez goldi-lox gal did a pretty good job and proved that she belongs. Second best performance so far. B+
6. Jackie Earle Haley Vaughn – I wanna hold your Hand: More like I wanna hold my head due to that horrific screeching. She tore this song a new @sshole and probably tore a hole in the space time continuum. F
7. Lacey Underalls Brown – Landslide: I was so rooting for this girl to do well, and she disappointed. The song, which is a good one, fell flat. She may be going home, which is too bad cuz she got mad potential. C-
8. My Shell Delamore – Falling: I wouldn’t have guessed that this girl is trying out for Idol. Talk about a polished and near-perfect performance. It was so flawless, it sounded lip-synched. A
9. ACDC Benami – The Way I Am: This the way Megan Caw! Caw! Corkery should have sounded last season if she had any talent. I think she can pull this off, but her nerves jangled it a little. Good, but kind of sloppy. B-
10. Syllabus Magnus Opus – Wicked Games: Some may disagree, but I thought this was brilliant. Lower register, crystal clear, power chords – check. High notes – check. Song was original, haunting, mystical. I was rather disappointed that she received criticism for this. Wasn’t this Adam Lambert’s recipe for success? A
11. Crystal Meth Butterteeth – Hand in my Pocket: I think the butter in the teeth got the creststrip treatment. It’s hard for me to criticize someone with this talent, but then again, I called Elliot Yamin “snaggletooth” all season long. Anyway, it was pretty decent—she is such a well-rounded musician/singer. She will go far. BTW, she did a good job on the song. A-
12. K. T. Stevens – Feeling Good: I hate this song, especially when kids sing it. I agree with the judges on this. She is talented, but pick better songs, for the love of all things holy!! This was bland and forgettable. C-
Ok, so here we are. This is supposed to be the year of the girl—we will see after tonight’s all doofus show. Personally, my early faves are Tiger Lily, My Shell DelAmore and Syllabus Magnus. Who will get the boot tomorrow??? This early in the competition, is it a talent show, or a popularity contest???
Rankings for the week:
Syllabus Magnus
MyShell DelAmore
Tiger Lily Scott
Crystal Creststrip
Gattlin Epperly
AcDc Benami
Ashtray Rodrigez
Paige Smiles
Lacey Underalls
KT Stevens
Jackie Earle Haley Vaughn
Janelle Squealer
Who is getting the boot??? Even though she wasn’t that bad, I can see Lacey going, but it should be Janelle and Jackie!!! They were both horrendous!
Stay tuned for Tool Academy tonight, oops I mean the men get to sing.
OUT
