Angry Man Speaks

Jambayz Island Grill - Nice weekend lunch

2011-12-06T21:13:00.000-08:00

I heard about this place recently via email. The wife and I decided to check it out on a miserable rainy Saturday. Initially hard to find downtown, but finally came across it. Only one other party was in the small dining area, and we we were greeted by polite and helpful staff.

The decor was classic and not over-the-top. Although not a large dining area, the high ceiling made it seem roomy. The climate was perfect. The menu was slightly smaller than the website menu, but it had what we wanted. The waiter was very friendly and knowledgable and answered any questions we had with enthusiasm.

I ordered the Coconut water and the wife ordered a diet coke. The Coco-water was served in a coconut and had a nice refreshing and slightly sweet flavor.We then ordered the conch fritters as a appetizer, and put in our entrees of the Jerk Chicken and the Saltfish. The fritters came out hot and fresh, served with a mango chutney. They were good, but could probably use a little more seasoning. The pieces of conch were chewy but at least they had conch in the fritters, whereas a lot of places might just have conch-flavored bread.

The entrees came out a bit later. The Jerk Chicken was a thigh/leg combo and another leg. I ordered mine with extra spice. It came with a side of rice & beans and some plantain slices. The chicken was fall off the bone tender and juicy. The flavor was exceptional and spiced just right. The beans and rice were done nicely and were a good complement to the chicken. The plantains were perfectly cooked and melted in my mouth.

My wife tried the saltfish which was mixed with vegetables and ackee, served with breadfruit and plantains. She liked the fish, although the breadfruit was a bit too much starch to go with already starchy plantains and ackee. I'm not sure what ackee is exactly, but it reminded me of spaetzle. The flavors of everything were very unique and delicious.

Overall, the food experience was very positive and we will definitely be going back to try some of the other items.

Lastly, we ordered the sweet potato bread pudding with the rum/raisin ice cream. We got it to go and ate it at home. It was amazing. The bread pudding had a wonderful soft, but dense texture and tasted amazing. Not too sweet and cloying like some bread puddings. It went perfectly with the rum/raisin ice cream, which was a creamy scoop of Heaven in it's own right.

Again, kudos to the young man who waited on us, and to the chefs who put together this delicious food. I hope that business does well for them and they stay open for a long time.

White Star Ale House - Well kept Secret

2011-12-06T18:33:00.000-08:00

"I'm so full, I'm miserable." That is what my wife said when we got home from White Star Ale House. We never heard of this place until we went to Jambayz, which is next door, and we saw that the same building housed this hidden treasure.

So after reviewing the menu online, I noticed that this wasn't just some ordinary tavern with the same old bar food. This was medium to high end fare at medium to low prices. We decided to try it out Tuesday night.

The decor was elgant and yet approachable. Definitely not suited for your Friday night fleabags who just want to drink and mow down some fries. The place had class.

We decided on some Wisconsin cheese wontons to start, along with some mojitos. The drinks were tasty by the way. We then ordered the pot roast for my wife, and the Ahi Tuna for me. Our son was along, and he ordered he flank steak.

The cheese wontons came out, and looked fantastic. Not the same kind as Zeppelins or ID, but lighter and filled with molten cheese. Served with a spicier mustard which still had enough sweet to make your mouth water. These scored a 10 out of 10.

The entrees came our shortly after. As the website specifies, these are moderately sized portions. Enough fo satisfy a normal person's apetite. The wife's pot roast was well recieved. Was nice and lean with savory gravy and a side of smashed potatoes. I hate pot roast, but I tried it, and even I was impressed.

My son ordered the flank steak and he ordered it medium-rare. It was already sliced when brought out, but was a little too rare for his liking. Admittedly, I tried it, and it was a bit on the raw side and kind of chewy.

The Ahi Tuna was phenomenal. I haven't had this good of tuna since I visited Miami. Charbroiled and cooked medium rare with a nice sear on the outside, yet pink and warm on the inside. It melted in the mouth coupled with the hot/sweet chili sauce. The cheesy potatoes that accompanied it was the perfect compliment, as well as a wonderful comfort food. Absolutely fantastic.

I would definitely go back and recommend this place for foodies who want more than bar food, but don't want to pay over $100 for some good quality items. Bon Apetite!

Worldwide Kitchen - Cater to the Equator

2011-10-02T20:57:00.000-07:00

The next stop on the Alphabet cruise around the globe is Ecuador, which literally means "Equator". For the geographically challenged, it is coastal country in South America. The planning phase for the letter "E" was succinct but wearisome. Only a small handful of countries start with "E", so it was fairly easy to narrow it down to Ecuador, Egypt and Ethiopia. The decision was tough, so I peeked into the future and looked at what some of our future countries might be. Since we will be hitting the Middle East and Africa on several other occasions, we chose Ecuador.

Unlike the last few countries, which had giant recipe repositories online, Ecuador failed to land us a nice one-stop shop for ideas. We had to find and combine several websites to come up with our menu du jour. Having too many websites bookmarked can cause havoc, which I will explain later...

The cuisine of Ecuador varies by which part of the country you're in. If you're not on the coast, you are munching on pork, beef and your pet guinea pigs. Yes, it's true. Well, they aren't pets down there apparently... "Mom, Dad, have you seen Hamlet? Hey, what's for dinner?" In any event, I had an itching for seafood, so we chose the coastal menu, and avoided the pet stores.

Talk about getting out of one's comfort zone. We decided to challenge ourselves because we are getting so damn good at messing up chicken and cake, and we chose to do a Ceviche de Pescado. Ceviche is fish, usually sea bass, tilapia or shrimp, and it is cooked with lime juice. You heard me right! The acid in the lime juice cooks the fish, and no heat gets near this protein. Sometimes you see chefs on the Food Network make it, or you may find it in fine eating establishments, which means you won't find it in Cedar Rapids. But here we were... Mister and Mrs. Chefpants trying to out-do Emeril and Gordon Ramsey. We also went with an Ecuadorian beet salad, as well as llapingachos, which are cheesy potato cakes, and finally a dessert called flan (custard).

Shopping: We actually did a preemptive strike on the grocery store to see what we had to choose for our fish. We wanted the sea bass, but tilapia was a close second. The HyVee had tilapia, but we struck out on the angry sea bass (with lasers attached to their heads). With that in mind, we could finish building our menu. When we finally went shopping several days later, it was the same day as the feast itself. We wanted guaranteed freshness with our seafood, and the Fishmonger at HyVee assured us that Sunday was when they would get in a fresh batch of fishies.

Most of the ingredients for the menu were easy to come by. The ceviche called for tilapia, tomatoes, peppers, onions and a crapload of limes (crapload = 20). The potato cakes included potatoes (duh), Muenster cheese, scallions and annatto oil. Annatto what??? Fuhget about it... Since there was no way on earth to find this, we looked up how to whip up your own version. All you need to do is add paprika to canola oil and let it get all nice and emulsified. It gives the oil a rich, peppery aroma, while turning it red. Voila! The rest of the ingredients were par for the course, including beets, carrots, eggs, and various spices, juices and oils.

Prep: Three words... Mis en place. Yah, it's French. It means "things in place". In our kitchen, it means chopping and dicing the crap out of everything before it gets cooked. We have become prep gurus, whirling dervishes with knives, cutting boards and food processors. I am the Surgeon General and Lauri is Jackie the Ripper. Together we make Vince from Slapchop want to slap himself with some shamwow towels.

But before we get the hardware out, we reflect on past guffaws and decide to cook the dessert early and get it out of the way. The flan was a piece of cake, errrr, not literally of course. Condensed milk, eggs, sugar, cinnamon, vanilla and rum. Mix it up, throw in cooking dish, top with nutmeg, and throw it in the oven. The most difficult part was caramelizing the sugar to put on the bottom of the dish. It hardened very rapidly and was not easy to spread.

Once the flan was cooking away, we got out the cutting boards and knives. Everything else on the menu required small cut dicing and bite-size chunks. I took on the tilapia, which had to be diced into small cubes. With it being fresh seafood, I had to work fast and get the stuff back in the fridge ASAP. Then it was time to dice up the peppers, onions, shallots and beets. The carrots in the recipe had to be cooked, and we purchased raw carrots, so out comes the steamer. Peeled the carrots, steamed them, then cut 'em up.

As Lauri, the axe-wielding contessa had the situation in hand with the veggies, it was time for me to start peeling potatoes. I don't like peeling potatoes. Peeling potatoes just sucks. Especially those little bitchy Yukon gold ones. The skin is thin and slippery. You can't freaking hold onto them with one hand and peel with another as they keep slipping all over the place. It's like peeling a wet bar of soap. I was fearful of losing my fingers, or at the very least, knuckle-skin. However, I was fortunate and no blood was shed.

Cooking: Now that we had our "mis en place," it was time to cook. I then noticed something awry in reading over our internet recipes. There were two sites bookmarked for Ceviche. One said to soak the fish for one hour (if the fish is steamed first), and the other said for four hours (if raw). Our recipe called for raw fish, and we wanted to do it right, so we had to get that fish soaking in lime juice and wait out the remaining four hours. Not so fast, my friends. That was only the beginning of the problems, as the ingredient list reflected bits and pieces from BOTH websites! Ooops. This is what happens when the old lady is writing down ingredients after having too many Bud Light Limes out in the sun. So we were missing some things, and we bought stuff we didn't need. What the hell am I going to do with all this celery? We have no recipes with celery, so Lauri is going to take it to work and put peanut butter on it. We were also missing Serrano peppers. Since we had time, I hustled back to the store and $.13 cents poorer, came home with three tiny peppers.

Okay, so now we are set. We combined the fish chunks with about 4 cups of lime juice. We bought some limes, but we also bought a bottle of real lime juice to supplement. Then we tossed in some chopped parsley and topped it off with the Serrano peppers (sliced, of course). The rest of the already ready already ingredients were put in bowls, plastic-wrapped and stowed in the refrigger-ator.

The rest of the stuff was pretty easy to put together. We had the cold beet salad to throw together, and since it was also supposed to be chilled, we could toss that together and shelf it along with the ceviche. And we certainly had time, with about three and a half hours to wait for the ceviche to cook. Since the veggies for the salad were already chopped up, we were good to go. Salad done--time for a drink or three.

The only thing left to cook was the llapingachos (potato cakes). With about 45 minutes left to go on the ceviche, I had started the boiling pot of salty water for the taters. I cut them up into small pieces and threw 'em in the pot when the water was at a rolling boil. 20 minutes later, I mashed them up, threw in two cups of Muenster cheese, along with some scallions and made a nice gooey, gloppy mess of cheesy potato goodness. I then made little patties out of the mixture and got them ready for frying.

Speaking of frying, this particular recipe called for annatto oil, which you can't really find in stores. As I mentioned earlier, we found that you could substitute annatto oil with regular canola oil and just add paprika to it as it's heating up.

With about 15 minutes left on the fish, it was time to start frying the potato cakes up. Thank the Ecuadorian lords of wax paper as I tried prying the formed cakes from the surface. It was like unsticking your tongue from a frozen flagpole. If you read my blog on Armenia, you will remember the struggles we, I should say "I" had with trying to fry mashed potatoes. Again, I was tormented by smashed potatoes as they refused to cooperate with me.

Everything was perfect up until now. Our timings in having things done were spot on. Our prep work was impeccable. Our final challenge was to fry up these cakes and somehow not screw it up. The oil was hot and we were ready to drop spud. The cakes went down into the hot pan, and started sizzling. When it was time to flip, I took the spatula and eased it underneath the first cake. What happened next made me want to light my hair on fire... How dare these chucklehead potato cakes ruin the day! The bottom of the cake stuck to the spatula, and as I prepared to flip, I ripped the bottom off the cake and the rest of this potato pain in the asscake globbed into an oily pile of misery. I started sweating as the nightmarish flashbacks of Armenia took hold of my brain. How can this be???

I remained calm (Lauri will beg to differ). I then took most of the oil out of the non-stick pan and tried frying the next batch with very little oil. Thankfully, this yielded success, as the cakes browned without getting soggy with oil.

By the time I got all the cakes fried up, it was time to go fishing. We took the lime-soaked tilapia out, rinsed with cold water, then re-juiced it with fresh lime juice and mixed the peppers, onions, tomatoes, shallots and parsley together. Done. The dish looked just like the picture on the internets. :) The fish was firm, white, and looked good.

Eating: Since the flan and beet salad was already done, and the ceviche was ready to be harvested, all we really had left to do was plate the potato cakes and then take photos.

Neither Lauri or myself have ever had ceviche, so it was a Life Cereal commercial for the first minute or two... "You eat it." "No, you eat it." "Hey, give it to Mikey, Mikey likes it!" So we both tried a bite at the same time. It was actually very good! And more importantly, not raw!

We plated everything together and it was gorgeous. The ceviche was picture perfect and delicious. There was no fishy smell or oceanic flavor at all. The acid from the lime juice eliminated the tuna-can stench, and cooked the tilapia to flaky perfection. The lime and veggies were the perfect accompaniment and the dish was hugely successful. Typically, you would eat this with crackers, corn nuts or popcorn. No, seriously... you heard me right.

The beet salad was light and tasty, again with a citrus base, although this one was lemon juice. This simple sauce, along with some oil, salt and pepper was just what the doctor ordered. Once again, victory over the unknown and untested was enjoyed. Considering I'm not a beet fan, this was a huge win for Lauri, as she is a beetnik, and she had to pull my strings to get me to eat this esoteric vegetable.

Ahhh, the potato pain in the ass cakes. These were a lot of work and aggravation, but damn, they turned out good. Fried mashed potatoes loaded with cheese and scallions... Need I say more? Once I corrected the oil distribution, it was sweet sailing the rest of the way. By the way, I'm going to lobby for Muenster cheese as being the most underrated cheese in existence. More flavorful than provolone and mozzarella, but not quite as sharp and pungent as cheddar. It's a perfect combination of both spectrums of cheesehood.

And finally, the flan. Ahhh, nothing like a good creamy, custardy cup of artery-clogging deliciousness. Flan is basically the same thing as custard, made with eggs, vanilla, sugar, and condensed milk. Throw in a little coconut rum, and you have a party. The flan turned out great, especially if you love sugar. I think every hummingbird and housefly within 100 miles was trying to break in to get a piece of this action. Every chunk of this cloying and creamy toothsome treat had caramelized sugar on the bottom and sugar-cinnamon on top. Two bites were enough to keep Augustus Gloop satisfied, so after about one and a half bites, I was done.

All in all, a very successful South American-themed dinner. Ecuador was challenging in both the search for good recipes and pushing us out of our comfort zone. If it wasn't for this crazy worldwide cuisine project, we probably never would have attempted to make or even eat ceviche. Heck, neither one of us has ever had it, so it was a leap of faith to create this dish as well as consume it. Eat your heart out, Iron Chefs!

I think we are getting pretty good at this--after only five letters, we have certainly made strides in our culinary proficiencies. Cooking 2-3 things simultaneously is no longer an anxiety-laced challenge that leaves us in an exasperated heap of misery calling out for pizza delivery.

Of course now that I say that, perhaps we are setting ourselves up for an EPIC FAIL on future countries? Oui, oui? Yah I said it... F is for FRANCE, and hopefully not for FAIL...

Worldwide Kitchen - Devouring Denmark

2011-08-30T19:33:00.000-07:00

Trying to come up with titles for these food blogs is the biggest hurdle in the initiation phase of writing these things. I was thinking, "Denmarks the Spot," and "Denmark my Words," but let's face it, those are weak sauce. Speaking of weak sauce, the recipes for Denmark were very close to flavorless and vapid. Seasoning is optional and at a minimum, less than stellar.

How did we come to the decision to pluck Denmark off the global array of culinary delights? Easy. There are virtually NO "D" countries out there. Kinda hard to believe, isn't it? The letter "D" is a common letter, one of the few that are used consistently on Wheel of MisFortune. Hey Vanna, give me a "D"! Sorry mister wiseass, NO "D" for you! So, the competition for the "D" letter came down to Denmark, Dominican Republic and Djibouti. Whud you say about my booty??? Ehhh, anyway, we decided to opt for Western Europe since we hadn't sampled that geographical area yet.

As always, we scoured the internet for Danish fare and found a site that had a ton of stuff. You can check it out here if interested: http://www.mindspring.com/~cborgnaes/ ... We did find quite a few items on the menu, in all categories, such as meat, poultry, fish, veggie, salads and desserts. Since we haven't used our friend the pig yet, we opted for pork as our protein. It didn't hurt that we also had a pork loin in the freezer, begging to be thawed out and consumed.

After glancing over the many entrees, we noticed that pork and fish were the most common protein items, but most of the fish dishes were pickled in some way. Pickled cod, pickled whitefish, pickled herring, yada, yada, yada... We chose the Roast Loin of Pork, otherwise known as Svinesteg. You dirty SWINE! Tender pork loin, stuffed with apples and prunes, while cooked in cream and red wine. Instead of taters, we picked Flour Dumplings (Melboller) to accompany the main dish. For a vegetable, the Green Beans and Mushrooms (Grønne Bønner) looked good as well. We also decided to do a salad. We saw one that contained Havarti cheese, so we were sold. The salad was called Tivoli Salad (Salat). And since we are gluttons for punishment, as well as for sweet stuff, we picked a dessert as well. In this case, it was the Cherry Cake, AKA Kirsebærkage.

So as we became pickled like the fish described above, we made our shopping list. Nothing too unusual. White pepper and prunes were about the only things that we didn't have lying around. It was as if we didn't have to go shopping at all, but shopping is the fun part, so we made a day out of it anyway. And in our first attempt to create International fare in front of an audience (guinea pigs), we had to stock up on another pork loin. Ohhh you poor Rameys!

Shopping: We ventured out to our usual haunt, the Johnson Avenue HyVee. The parking was atrocious as usual, and the store is set up like Cheech and Chong did the planning after a bender. However, since the list we had was not as challenging, we had an easy time of it. When it came time to grab another pork loin, we decided to try and get one that was as close as possible in weight as the other one that was thawing in the freezer. It had to be about 1.5 lbs. We had planned on cooking both the loins simultaneously, so this made sense. We did cheat a little bit on one of our items. We decided to make pork gravy for the dumplings, but just in case we blundered it, we grabbed a jar of pork gravy as a backup.

Prep: What we experienced as a piece of cake for shopping, we more than made up for it in the prepping process. Prepping was a hardcore pain in the Danish ass. I volunteered to do the Tivoli salad and the Green Bean/Mushroom dish. Lauri took on the Pork loin, Cherry cake and Dumplings. We were all over the kitchen, arm-wrestling over measuring cups, the food processor, the nice ceramic knife, the rum, ummm you get the picture.

The first thing I did was cut the cheese. Yah I said it! No, seriously, I had to cut up the Havarti in small bite size pieces for the salad, and then had to do the same with the other ingredients, cucumber, green pepper, diced ham and tomatoes. Since the salad was supposed to be chilled, I pretty much completed the task of finishing it, then stuffing it in the fridge. Mixing the bite size pieces with sour cream, mayonnaise, white pepper and curry brought the Tivoli salad to conclusion. As I tasted it, it lacked that savory goodness, so I tossed in a few pinches of sea salt.

Since we goofed on cooking cake and chicken for Cambodia by trying to share the oven, we decided to get the dessert out of the way. The cake recipe called for egg whites whipped to a meringue-like consistency, before mixing in with the dry ingredients. FAIL. Initially, we tried using one of those emulsion mixing sticks that look like "shake weights" with a menacing little blade on the end. Lauri whipped the eggs into oblivion, but no firm peaks, so I suggested tossing it out and using a regular mixer. Voila, white peaks of flavorless frappe! We were back on track for success!

In the meantime, I started to get the green beans ready for the veggie dish. We bought whole string beans which needed both ends cut off. More knife work for me. I am getting to point where I think I could do surgery. The beans were ready to be steamed, but it was too early, so I covered them and waited. The shrooms were already sliced up, so I got a reprieve.

Lauri was getting the oinkers ready for their apple and prune stuffing. As we looked at the pork loins, they did weigh the same, but one was thicker and stockier than the other. This would come back on us, as you will find out... Lauri completed the arduous task of slitting and stuffing the loins with apple and prune slices, seasoning them, and then tying off the swine with twine.

Finally, with everything completed as far as we could take it, it was time to assemble the dumplings. At that point, we had cleaned up the mixer, but then the recipe called for more whipped egg whites! DOH! Get the mixer out again, honey!

Cooking: I should preface the cooking part by saying that the TIMING of everything was stupefying. I was rapidly approaching headache mode as I whipped a calculator out to make sure everything got done at about the same time. The only thing that was a not dependent on time was the Tivoli Salad, still chilling in the fridge. The stovetop, the steamer, the oven, the microwave--every appliance in the kitchen was slated for duty.

While cooking is usually easier than prep, this wasn't the case with Denmark. The Pork loin has cook in several phases. Brown the pork, drown the pork, baste the pork, bake the pork, add this, that and the other, then baste again. Madness I say. The green beans had to go into the steamer for 20 minutes, but not before I had to sauté the mushrooms for 15. The salt and white pepper had to wait til everything was mixed together, and then add bread crumbs. Time for a drink and aspirin.

The Cherry cake was finishing up, so we took it out and just let it sit there heating up the kitchen. The pork was about done on the stovetop, getting a nice brown crust on it, then we added cream and let it simmer, while spooning liquid over the whole thing. Eventually, the loins went in the oven to finish for about an hour. We added the wine and let it go. We almost forgot that we needed gravy for the dumplings, so we kept the pork drippings in the pan, added some cream, flour, salt and pepper. It made a whopping half a cup, so we grabbed the store-bought gravy and threw it in. Oh the horror, the horror...

With about 30 minutes left on the pork, I got the steamer started with the green beans, then also started sautéing the mushrooms. We could see the light at the end of the tunnel cake. At that point, our friends had just arrived in time to help us drink more and become more inebriated than usual. I enthusiastically described the steamer we just purchased and how it was the next best thing to an IPOD. I was like a drunk guy on the Shopping Channel, "whooohooo, check this sh*t out folks--it steams stuff! It cooks with WATER!!!" Our friends were sold... They bought a steamer the same night on Amazon.

The beans were then mixed with the shrooms, along with some cream, flour and butter. Finally, everything came together at the right time, and we finished off by poaching the dumplings. They only took about a minute to cook, so it was like an afterthought.

Eating: Time to dig in! Everything once again, looked fantastic and just how we had wanted it to look. After we took a few pics of the items, it was time to carve up those piggly wiggly loins and go to town. We let our friend Chris do the slicing, as he is a master at cutlery and chopping things up with various weaponry. Once the meat was adequately sliced, the chowdown had begun. The first pork loin that was sliced was the skinnier of the two. As I mentioned before, the difference in the pork loins would be discussed. The pork was dry and tough, like my lawn mowing shoes after sitting in the sun for a week.

The other items were mostly edible and delicious. The beans/mushroom platter was like a homemade green bean casserole, but without the fried onions. Had to add salt and pepper, as it was bland, like the food you get at Bishops. However the mushrooms and freshly steamed beans were perfect. The Tivoli salad was fresh, cool and creamy. The ham with the Havarti cheese added depth and comfort to the otherwise light and cool veggies. Then it was time for the dumplings. Little spongy and chewy bread chunks, as dense as a doorknob and the flavor of construction paper. Thank goodness for gravy.

I was somewhat disappointed in the pork, since we worked so hard to do it right. I then decided to cut open the other loin to see what we may have been missing. Sure enough, the second loin was cooked to perfection, moist and flavorful. I told everyone to stop eating the shoe and try the new stuff instead. The evening was salvaged as almost everything was consumed and very little leftovers to bag up.

Finally for dessert, we broke open the Cherry Cake. It looked better than it tasted. As most of the items from the recipes were somewhat dull and lacked flavor, so did the Cherry Cake. The cherries were fine, but the cake was like fluffed drywall. Perhaps putting on some spackle frosting would have gave this insipid flapjack some zip.

All in all, it was a decent feast, with some highs and lows. The fun is in the challenge of creating new and unfamiliar things and the journey from conception to execution. Our mistakes are getting smaller and less noticeable. Speaking of mistakes, when the wife says she doesn't need any help, it means "get the f*** out of my way, old man!" Next time, I will heed that advice and make myself small and stealth-like. We also learned that seasoning is underappreciated and adding spice to your cooking leads to a fulfilling and flavorful experience.

Next up: E is for Ecuador or Egypt... We haven't decided yet! Stay tuned!

Worldwide Kitchen - Cambodian Carnivores

2011-08-10T19:36:00.000-07:00

Classroom! It is time to hit our next letter, and if you are paying attention at home, we are on the letter "C." As we sailed the "C's" for something different and new (how could it not be?), we decided to go with Cambodia. We considered the Czech Republic, Columbia and Chile, but since I am already Czech and we have already done South American fare with Brazil, we decided to be daring and original and opt for a little Asian zing...

Once again, Lauri and I raided the internet menus for recipes and we were not disappointed. The website we found had more recipes than Raul Julia Childs. If you are interested in trying some of them out, you can go here: http://www.khmerkromrecipes.com/

In any event, it took us several nights to land on a four course menu that we both agreed would be tasty and non-tragic in its end-results. We landed on a salad, a soup, a main meat course and of course, the dreaded dessert. This time, however, we fixed our gaze on a dessert that gave us a fighting chance at success. We also learned that if you want to do these recipes right, ya gotta run out to a real Ethnic grocery store and leave the HyVee for stuff like cheese and soda.

Our menu consisted of the following:

Chrout Carrot nung thay-thao (Carrot with Daikon relish)
Salor d'um-lon twea (Purple yam soup)
Sach moan ang (Bake plum chicken)
Num tirk doung (Coconut pound cake)

Try ordering that at Eggroll House. FAIL.

Shopping: As I mentioned above, there was no way in Cambodian hell that we were going to find the majority of the ingredients we needed at the local supermarket. What we needed was a road trip to Coralville to the Asian market on the Strip. This was very exciting, as we have never been to this store, and we really wanted to bask in the experience. The items we needed for our feast included a daikon, which is like a giant radish-like root. It is very fibrous, but much milder tasting than a regular radish. Yes, I realize you can get them at the boring old local grocer, but what fun is that?

We also needed purple yams, which are purple on the inside, not the outside. They look like regular sweet potatoes from a distance, but once you peel that bad boy, you got our hands on an exact replica of Grimace from the McDonald's stable of influential characters.

Next on the shopping list was fish sauce and plum sauce. If you know how fish sauce is made, you would run, not walk to get away from this stuff. However, it is very tasty when combined with other scrumptious morsels. We also picked up some Coconut milk for the cake. There were 90 brands of coconut milk.

When we found the items we were looking for, we celebrated by stuffing our shopping baskets with a bunch more crap that looked interesting and whimsical. As you can see in the enclosed exhibit, we were obviously captivated by the bright, shiny colors and the pulse-pounding graphics on the labels. Marketing Genius! To be honest, I don't know what half the stuff is, but I have a feeling that I will find out some day.

The rest of the stuff we obtained at the HyVee, like chicken, shrimp, coconut, green onions, sugar and flour.

Prep: Once again, it made sense for us to tag team and prep all this stuff together. I handled the Carrot and Daichon salad, as well as the Plum Chicken. Lauri handled the Purple Yam Soup and of course, the Coconut Poundcake dessert.

The Carrots and Daichon needed to be cut in julienne strips, so my knife work was put to the test. Actually, I tried to cheat and use the food processor and that turned out to be a royal mistake. Julienne and Shred are NOT the same thing. I cut the veggies into small strips, and as I did so, I kept thinking about Chef Ann Burrell, the spikey-haired blonde from "Worst Cooks in America". I was imagining her slamming me with a profanity-laced tirade to be consistent with my knife cuts. After cutting for what seemed like hours, it was time to mix the veggies with white rice vinegar, sugar and salt. Completed the task, covered and stuck it in the fridge to chill.

In the meantime, Lauri had started on the purple yam peeling. Once we saw the colors, we knew this soup would be ugly, but would probably taste good. The yams needed to be shredded into bits, but again the food processor was not up to task, so she hand-shredded them with one of those old metal torture devices for vegetables (and knuckles). The soup also called for fresh shrimp, which also needed to be ground up. I was thinking "shrimp-burger!" This time the processor got its chance to do some damage and it pummeled those sea-monkeys into oblivion. We added the other ingredients to the shrimp (green onion, basil, salt and pepper) and stuck that in the fridge until it was time to add to the soup.
The next two items (the Plum Chicken and Coconut Cake) were a piece of uhhh cake. You could use any chicken pieces you wanted, so we had three chicken breasts (bone-in). The obnoxiously large chicken breasts were the size of pterodactyls, which will cause pain and suffering later on (you'll see!). At any rate, the chicken just need to marinate in the plum sauce, soy sauce and other herbs/spices.

As Lauri finished up prepping the batter for the cake, it was time to start cooking.

Cooking: We were getting the hang of doing really good and thorough prep work on the stuff before cooking it, which made things much easier for cooking. The shredded purple yams went into a pot of water to boil. Once the poached Grimace was soft, it was time to add the shrimp mixture and polish off with delectable fish sauce.

As the taters were boiling, we noted that the chicken could probably go in the oven (for 45 minutes) at 400 degrees. But then to our horror, we saw that we also needed the oven for baking that coconut cake. The real dilemma was that the cake was to be in the oven for an hour at 350 degrees. Woe is us!!! Our initial solution to have everything done at roughly the same time (by this time, it was already around 7:30 PM), was to have the two items share the oven and set it to 375. Well, it was much too late in the process do cook them separately, so we went that direction with dubious high hopes.

Folks, this where it gets sideways. After an hour at 375, the stuff looked good. The cake was done and the chicken looked good and felt firm. I took the temp of the yard-bird and it read 180, so I assumed it was done.

In the meantime, back to the Purple Rain soup... it was time to add the shrimp and let it cook til pink. We also threw in some fish sauce and topped it with more green onions and parsley. It looked frightful, but smelled delightful.

So everything was done. Or so we thought.

Eating: We took the chilled daikon/carrot salad out of the fridge and served it up first. Very pickly and vinegary, but had a nice sugary sweetness to compliment the sour. The daichon had almost no flavor, but had a good bite and texture to it. Overall, it was a good dish, and I hope Ann Burrell is proud of my knife cuts.
The purple yam soup... This eyesore of a stew was unappetizing to look at, but boy did it smell great. The aroma of potatoes and shrimp filled the room and made our mouths water. We dug in and ladled the soup over some rice. The taste was phenomenal. Surprisingly, the purple yams tasted more like regular baked potatoes and the little ground up shrimp pieces added some nice texture. It was like a baked potato soup/shrimp chowder combo, and it rocked.

And now the Plum Chicken... Looks great. Smells great. First layer of meat - GREAT. The rest of the hormone/steroid chicken breast--UNDERCOOKED. Of course, I blame HyVee's Poultry wrangler. No chicken breasts should be this ridiculously colossal. Ohhh the disappointment of having our first all-around successful dinner, ruined by some pink white meat. I threw them back in the oven, but it was too late... We were full up on Grimace Soup.

Yessir... the ugliest soup in the world was the hit of the evening. I would make this again in a heartbeat. And psssst... this just in: The dessert turned out to be a winner, winner, NO chicken for dinner! The Coconut cake was fan-freaking-tastic.

So although we failed on the clucker, we rose to the occasion on the other three courses. Lessons learned: Give yourself enough time to prep and cook the dessert prior to everything else. Ovens are not made to share or compromise their temperature settings to average things out. We are smarter and better people because of this erroneous error in judgment.

So that does it for the C word... C is for Cambodia and Colossal Chickens. It also stands for Can't Cook Chicken/Cake Coexistently.

Next stop around the world kitchens is D... and D is for Denmark... Stay tuned!

Worldwide Kitchen: Waxing Brazilian

2011-07-11T17:08:00.000-07:00

We're on to the letter "B" in our trip around the world of international taste travels, and we have landed in the country of Brazil. We also looked at Belgium and Bolivia. We thought Bahrain might be a little tough to tackle, so we eliminated that off our list early on. Belgium finished a close second though!

Once again, Lauri and I researched the internet perusing several websites for Brazilian treats, and we came across several that had significant samplings of South American flavors. We opted for a seafood dish this time and wanted to take it easy on the yard-birds since we used those for the Armenian feast. We also wanted to make sure we had a vegetable dish, a bread item and a (gasp) dessert! If you read the last blog, you will recall that we blundered and bollixed that dessert like monkeys and footballs. Would Brazilian dessert serve us up the same fate?

So on to the menu... We decided on a shrimp dish called "Vatapa" which consisted of a rue-like sauce with onions, crushed nuts, red chilies, garlic and smooshed up bread served with boiled shrimp over a bed of rice. For the vegetable, we chose a Brazilian potato salad called "Maionese" which sounds a lot like mayonnaise (for good reason, as you will find out). For the bread, we found a popular Brazilian item called "Queijo" which translates to cheese rolls. And then for dessert, we picked "Quindim" which is Portuguese for PAIN IN THE ASS, or otherwise known as egg and coconut pudding.

In this go-around, Lauri and I wanted to make sure the ingredient list wasn't too difficult to come by, since last time we got stymied on currants, and pine nuts were too expensive. Everything looked relatively harmless with the most unusual ingredient being tapioca starch for the, you guessed it, dessert from hell. Tapioca starch, eh? The local HyVee has all kinds of flours, starches and organic ingredients--should be a piece of cake, right?

Shopping: So off we go to the store with ingredient list in hand. The first time we went shopping for our Armenian dinner, we went to the nice, big HyVee with big aisles and helpful smiles. The other HyVee that we chose to shop at this time had tight aisles and harmful frowns, with a side of rudeness and Seinfeld-like jerkstore behaviors from the regulars. What is the deal with people hanging around the end of an aisle blocking the entrance/exit while they look at the plethora of taco seasoning packets? Is there that big a difference between Old El Paso and Ortega??? At $.29 a packet, I'm thinking "just pick both, lady!"

In our usual fashion of wandering down aisles, we hit our first road-bump for finding red chilies... UGH. I asked the produce girl if they had such a thing, and she quipped, "Why no sir, we don't." GREAT. So I hit the salad section and picked up a tube of red chili paste-this will have to do. Everything else was attainable and easy until it was time for the tapioca starch. Ezqueeze me, I baking powder? Yes, we have no tapioca starch today! Again, we strike out on a key ingredient, so after milling about aimlessly in the Ethnic section, we decided to hit the specialty Mexican grocery store downtown. The excitement was back and we bounded out to the car with a renewed sense of purpose... That is, until the Mexican store had NOTHING of the sort. I asked the grocer lady if she even heard of such a thing and she said NO way, Hose Ay. So let's use cornstarch, okay? Starch is starch, right? Wrong.

Prep: Prep was a breeze compared to Armenian night which took about six hours. Brazil night only required about three hours. Once again, we tag-teamed on getting stuff ready. I handled the veggie prep and Lauri got all the dry and wet ingredients in order. Once again, I found myself peeling potatoes and probably a little of my knuckles for about 30 minutes. I also cut and chopped carrots, onions, hearts of palm, olives and green beans. I had quite a nice batch of diced veggies for the potato salad. By the way, this is the first time, we have ever had heart of palm... it had the consistency and look of string cheese and tastes a bit like water chestnuts, but the texture was much softer, like a hard-boiled egg. In any event, stirred all that stuff up into a bowl with an entire jar of mayonnaise and at that point, I figured out why they call this dish "maionese." Once I had the potatoes well-boiled, I cooled them off in cold water, and mixed them up with their veggie brethren, then popped it into the fridge.

Lauri had begun prep on the cheese rolls and egg/coconut pudding dishes. She had to separate an entire carton of eggs and only use egg yolks for the pudding. 12 egg yolks for a snack pack of pudding? Holy cholesterol, fatman! She added coconut milk, shredded coconut, sugar and even more sugar. Into the oven it went, and we were hoping that it would set.

The cheese rolls were a bit easier as it required starch, eggs, parmesan cheese and water. Again, we had to opt for a substitute ingredient and used cornstarch instead of the mysterious tapioca starch, which I am not even sure exists. And once again, we crossed our fingers that these would turn out okay.

And finally, the main course. We used frozen shrimp, (which was already cooked) and just let it thaw. The recipe called for frozen shrimp, but I would recommend raw, as cooked frozen shrimp dries out really quickly when cooking.

In the meantime, Lauri was blending the bread chunks with coconut milk to get that thick saucy goodness ready. I got the trusty slap-chop device out and proceeded to pummel an onion, garlic and red chili paste into oblivion for the rue. I also reduced two cups of cashews and peanuts into a fine powder with this wonderful, as-seen-on-TV device. Once I was finished crushing defenseless ingredients, I had to take a shower. I never knew how much work went into all that cutting board violence. With the shrimp thawed, the veggies and nuts chopped, it was time to start cooking.

Cooking: The potato salad was done and sitting in the fridge getting cold. We already tasted it, and it was exceptional and we will probably make it again. The pudding was just getting done. Lauri stuck a fork in it and it came out clear. AWESOME, we are two for two! Not so fast, my friend... She put it in a pan of ice water to cool and after about 20 minutes, dumped it out onto a plate. SPLAT! That freaking pudding was set on top, but the bottom was still runny and hotter than liquid hot magma. The old lady was beside herself (not unlike me a few weeks ago) and threatened to throw it into the sink. I had to calm her down by offering her a nice rum drink. So we threw it back in the bundt tin, and stuck it in the freezer.

The first batch of cheese rolls had just come out of the oven and they looked like those cheddar biscuits you get at Red Lobster. They had no smell whatsoever and when we sampled one, it was as bland as uhhh, cornstarch. Yes, the damned cornstarch dominated the little biscuits and masked the parmesan cheese. They were also as dense as Jupiter. Still, they looked wonderful.

The shrimp dish was going swimmingly as the rue came together with the sautéing of the onions, garlic and red chili paste, mixed with some olive oil and the smooshed bread. Then we boiled the shrimp. We took the shrimp water and added it slowly to the rue and it thickened nicely. We made some rice to accompany the sauce and it turned out beautifully. Then finally we added the shrimp to the rue mixture and things were looking good.

Until we checked the pudding again... Although it sat in the freezer for a good 30-45 minutes, it still had the consistency of gravy. What is it with us and desserts? We are Oh for TWO on dessert items. However, I wanted to take a picture of everything, so I blended the pudding water with the cooked chunks into a smoothie-like mixture and poured it into martini glasses, and then I put a little whip cream on top. I happened to get a couple snapshots before the whip cream literally sunk to the bottom the glass.

TIME to EAT! Everything looked delectable and we couldn't get our hands on that potato salad fast enough. It was chilled to perfection and ready to hit our gullets. The rice and shrimp mixture was staring us in the face as if to say, "Hey, we are the main course, chuckleheads--EAT US!" To be fair, I plated the shrimp dish next to the potato salad before I dug in. We then begrudgingly took a couple cornstarch rolls knowing that meh... they are a dense, tasteless ball of cement, but we felt obligated to each have one to complete the meal.

The shrimp dish was very tasty, but surprisingly, lacked heat. It was very nutty and earthy with the crushed nuts and onions dominating the flavor profile. You would think with red chilies added, that it would pack a little fire, but alas, the dish was cooler than the Fonz punching Ralph Malph in the arm. It was still tasty and how can you not love shrimpies? The potato salad was definitely the star of the show, as it was perfect in every way. Cool, creamy and chock full of flavors. I ate part of the cheese roll and snuck the rest of it to the dogs who were chewing on them like rawhide before swallowing.

Since we had tasted and sampled so many things before the actual dining experience, we became full quicker than normal. The pudding syrup would have to wait. Then, the unenviable task of cleanup took place and leftovers put away. I packed away some potato salad for my sister and mom and left a little bit for Skye (our son). He ate it the next day and seemed to like it a lot. Then I told him it had hearts of palm, and he turned 3 shades of blue. "You can't even tell it's in there, man!" You know these young people--if it doesn't have cheese, meat or ketchup, it's no good!

So that wraps up the Brazilian Feast, and for the most part, it was a success. Overall, it was less spicy than you would think for South American fare, but delicious nonetheless. Again, there are a few ingredients that are hard to find, or may trip you up if the right substitute is not available.

Viva la Brasilia and keep adding that spice to your culinary experience!

Next up: C is for Cambodia

World Wide Kitchen - A is for Armenian

2011-06-27T22:10:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, my wife Lauri and I were dining in Iowa City, and as we were eating, we discussed having a joint cooking night once a month where we would take a country, starting with the letter "A" and make a feast honoring that country's local cuisine. We spent the next hour going over all the "A" and "B" countries that we could experiment with and came up with Armenia for our first project. The next day, as we were killing time in a Barnes and Noble Book store, we happened across some International Cookbooks to give us some ideas and a head start.

The next few weeks were spent on Google looking up recipes that sounded good and were not unreasonably difficult. We found several websites dedicated to Armenian cooking and recipes and found that the food was similar to Mediterranean, Greek and a touch of Middle Eastern. So we landed on Armenian Chicken Pilaf, Red Lentil and Potato Kuftah, a Salad and Homemade Apricot candy. Sounds easy enough, right? NOT so fast my friend!

Shopping: This turned out to be an adventure as we were in search of items we never bought before. Dried currants, pine nuts, lentils to name a few. We went to one of the bigger grocery stores just to be on the safe side. The veggies and chicken were easy enough to find, however, we struck out on currants. We also came across pine nuts and noted that all the other nuts and seeds were $1.99, but a small bag of pine nuts cost $11.99... HUH? I then decided that perhaps we can substitute soy nuts for pine nuts and save us $10. We came across lentils in the dried bean section, but not the red kind. We finally made it over the organic food section and found red lentils in the bulk-help-yourself section, so we hid the other lentils behind some almond milk and grabbed the red ones. We also grabbed some dried cherries to substitute for the currants. Shopping = DONE!

Prep: This turned out to be quite the project as onions, tomatoes and potatoes had to be chopped, peeled, de-seeded, de-veined, de-iced and de-glazed. Honestly, our cutting board got quite the workout. The most physically challenging of the prep work had to be the dried apricot "destruction." We really needed a food processor for this task, but all we had was the As Seen ON TV "slap chop" device. Both of us hammered away at these chewy gooey fruits for 15 minutes until sweat was dripping down my forehead and my wife's eyeballs were rolled back in her head.

Then it was on to the veggies... Tomatoes--peel and de-seed. I skipped the peel part and went to the seed removal. I basically cut all the inside parts of the tomato out so it was just a tomato shell when I got done. Just didn't seem right to rip the skin off too--what would be left? Then I cut those into small chunks and did it four times. Then it was time to prepare the taters. The recipe called for both diced and mashed. I peeled the potatoes, cut them in small chunks and dropped them in water. I took another potato and peeled that one, then cut into tiny diced cubes--put aside in more water. And then the onions--both the meat and veggie dishes called for onions and thankfully, they could be prepared the same way... chopped into smithereens. Once again, the Slap Chop made an appearance and I smashed those unjuns into little bits.

In the meantime, Lauri was attempting to make the apricot candy and was having a hell of a time getting the stuff to set up firmly, so I suggested using a little corn starch and water. This was not helpful, of course, because corn starch only works on stuff you don't need it to work on.

At this point, we started drinking and taking breaks. I was contemplating taking a shower.

Cooking: With most of the food ready to be cooked, we still had to "sort" out the lentils. Have you seen a lentil? They look like tiny microscopic watermelon seeds. How does one sort things of such miniscule profile? We examined them with the help of a Hubbell space telescope and they looked clean and in good working order. By the way, a lentil is from the legume family, which produces beans primarily. We never cooked lentils before so had to GTS (google that sh*t) it to get tips. It seems you have to boil them for anywhere between 10 minutes and an hour. DOH!

So we put the lentils in water and set to boil them, then started to boil the potatoes for mashing. The smaller diced potatoes needed to be fried so I fried them up and set them aside. As the lentils cooked, they had an odd aroma of cream of wheat and they started puffing up. Even after 30 minutes and doubling in size, the husks on these little seedlings were still tough as toenails, so we kept cooking them. Then the onions finally went down and I sautéed them in butter, salt and pepper until they were soft and not quite caramelized. Finally the lentils were soft enough (in my opinion) after 45 minutes. So I then mashed the taters, threw in the lentils and a cup of flour to make a doughy mixture that were to be shaped into balls. These dough balls were to be stuffed with the diced taters, onions, cherries and soynuts and then fried. Piece of cake, right? WRONG.

The next 30 minutes were spent in a profanity-laced tirade as these doughy balls from hell would not form or solidify. So I then added a little more flour. Lo and behold, the problem worsened and I had a sticky mess of mashed potato and lentil mortar paste. This mixture pissed me off so thoroughly that I took a handful of it and threw it in sink as hard as I could. The dough explosion splashed everywhere and when it splattered Lauri, I thought she was going to kick me in the lentils. Thankfully, she remained calm and understanding, which in turn, made me settle down a bit. This was, after all, supposed to be a fun project...

The chicken and rice were a slam dunk, thanks to Lauri's patience and good directions. Brown the chicken, add the veggies and stock, throw in the rice and simmer. It all came together quite nicely.

As the chicken and rice was cooking, I was still trying to make those freaking mush balls and I had resorted to pouring oil on my hands to keep that sludge from sticking to my digits. That cement would still not cooperate, so instead of trying to stuff the filling in and wrap the dough around it, we just took the filling, mixed it with the dough and started dropping it in the oil.

Now that we had it all figured out, it was time to EAT!

Eating: Everything smelled great and looked pretty darn good. We started with the salad, which had a few lettuce types, mixed in with a Greek vinaigrette, garbanzo beans and tomatoes. So far, so good. Then it was time to dive into the chicken and rice pilaf, which looked delicious, but deep down, we just wanted it to be cooked all the way. Nothing worse than slaving over a meal, then finding out the chicken is still raw in the middle after serving it. I cut into the thigh and breathed a sigh of relief as the yardbird was cooked perfectly. The rice, which was actual rice, not that minute crap, was also cooked to perfection (who knew?).

Then those painful potato paste puffs, well, they actually tasted pretty damn good, despite the nightmarish prep. They were fried to a golden brown and the flavors of the onions, cherries and the salty diced taters were nicely sprinkled throughout. Everything was seasoned nicely. It's amazing the contributions that simple kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper make to a meal when done appropriately.

Unfortunately, the apricot candy never made it to our gullets. After freezing it, scalding it, baking it, it stayed the same sludgy consistency from the get-go. We even set it out overnight to see if it would solidify - zip, nada, bubkas! I suggested putting it all in a jar and calling it jam, but the old lady told me to jam it between my knees.

All in all, it was a great experience and a successful first project. From recipe research to shopping, prepping, cooking and eating, this endeavor was met with an appetite for adventure and a hunger for the unknown.

Next up is B is for Brazil!

Is there a Priest in the House?

2011-05-26T13:50:00.001-07:00

The 11th season of Idol is in the books… What have we learned and what have we taken away from this season? The Finale show last night was superb, as they have been the past several seasons. If you don’t choose to watch the show weekly, you should catch the finale anyway.

Once again, the big hitters showed up to perform (mostly) live and again, we have some amazing duets and lots of surprises.

As I defiantly stated, I was not interested in the showdown between Scoddy and Laurena. My understanding is that there were six country songs and Lauren actually had the better night. However, that would have just added to my disdain for the voting process as Scoddy has won every week by a landslide for several weeks (according to DialIdol.com). This week was no exception. So the results of the show last night were a foregone conclusion for me and I just wanted to enjoy the show for the other performances. And not just the performers, but the juggheads as well… We got to hear RJAXX rinse and repeat the phrase “in it to win it!” about six thousand times. Perhaps next year, we get a Randy doll to sit in, the kind with the pull string on the back, and have it say “in it to win it” and “it was pitchy”. The show could save some money that way. JLOW’s bit was cheesy, and Tyler’s bit was hilarious. The addition of LIPS and JLOW was great for the show.

On to the performances, and I’m not sure these are in order or not, so bare with it!

Group performance by everyone: I haven’t seen this much cheese since I visited that Wisconsin deli. All the posturing, posing, crotch-grabbing and other unsavory shenanigans was one big fondue pot of molten limburger. C+

And then Durbin gets to perform with one of my favorite bands of all time, Judas Priest! I had wondered out loud on several occasions before the show if the Priest would show up, and here they are! Total kick@ss performance and show by the British metal band. Keep in mind, these guys are 62 yrs old. Take that ya jackanapes! A+

Then Jakub Lush comes out with his flubbercheeks, and I didn’t hesitate for one second to fast-forward through the whole thing. I have earned the right to fast-forward anything that this goofstick sings, as I had to critique the horrid sounds that were emanating from his vocal septic tank all season long. F-

Grizzly Abrams and Jack Black: This was vocally, AWFUL. This duet was funny and very entertaining, but if you were to grade singing, it would get a D- … However, it was a neat diversion from the pressure of competition and I was still on a natural high from the freedom and relief of fast forwarding past Jakub Lush. B-

Girls doing a medley of stuff… It was fine, not sure if it was live or not—they all sounded too good. I’m a bit suspicious. To be honest, I forgot most of the girl’s names, but then again, I am not good with actual names. Most of the girls got eliminated too early so there ya go. B

Oh yah, and Beyonce came out with the ladies and showed them how do it right. A

Haley and Tony Bennett: Haley rocked and didn’t get enough exposure last night. She should have been in the final. Her duet with Tony was spot-on and all the other times she was highlighted, she showed everyone that she belonged in that finale. I’m hangin’ this on the producers and it should be a scream for help to install a new voting system…. A

Scoddy and McGraw: It was decent, well sung, nice chemistry. It smelled of leather and Marlboros. It had a brokeback mountain vibe to it. Nicely done… B

Marc Anthony with dirty dancing by JLOW… The singing was meh…. And in Espanol… Sheila E is in the house—she must be about 60 yrs old, but can still beat the skins. JLOW and her famous uhhh Dairy Air were proudly on display and made me wonder what their home life is like… B+

Guys with Tom Jones: What’s new pussycat? Having Durbin sing that made me laugh. Seeing Tom Jones made me chuckle a little as well. The ladies got Beyonce, who is current, and the guys get Tom Jones who they had to break out of a museum to show up. Tom Jones is so old, when he went to school, there was no such thing as a History class. C+

Lady GAGA: We finally get the live performance that we thought we were going to get a couple weeks ago. She is hugely talented and weird at the same time. Her wardrobe choices are beyond the boundaries of earth. However, the lady can sing, and play a piano like no one’s business. I respect that and I admire her for never having to use the godforsaken auto-tune! Thank YOU!! The song was cool, the production was slick, but my only criticism was that guy who was molesting her on the fake mountain. I wish he would have fell into a vat of molten cheese. A for Gaga… F for that chucklehead at the end.

Laurena and Carrie Spraytan Underwood: Nice sassy performance by both, although Carrie looked like she’s been fasting for two weeks—c’mon eat something, Underwood! Lauren held her own and will go on to be successful in the hee-haw world. A-

Beyonce Part Deux: Hmmmm, how does one guest singer get two different spots on the show? As much as I respect Beyonce, I have to say that this song caused emotional distress and excruciating discomfort. I had to take qtips to get all the sap out of my ears after that aural contamination. D+

U2 with Spiderman: by this time, it is obvious that everything is a promotion for something else. Oh wait, I figured that out in the first minute. It was decent with the funky acrobatics and whatnot. The song was well done. Does that Edge guy ever NOT wear a hat? I wonder if he has an exposed brain, perhaps born without a skull? The spider-kiss with JLOW at the end was an epic FAIL. B+

Steven Tyler (Lips): The old goat still has the chops and who knew he could play the piano? At age 87, he can still screech like Phyllis Diller on nitrates. Super good, fantastic… it was *****ing great! A

So now it’s time to announce the winner. So far, great concert for an hour and 45 minutes, and finally the results. Of course, we all know it’s Scoddy the Botty! Sure enough, to no one’s shock and haw, McCreery wins it hands down. Scotty, you Alfred E Newman lookin’ hillbilly!

Congratulations country boy!

It was a promising season, with great talent and cohesive judges. For the most part, it was fair and impartial, until the end when Durbin and Haley went home prematurely. In addition, Jakub overstayed his welcome by about six weeks. Voting limitations will be the only way this gets fixed.

So thanks everyone for your comments and feedback. I truly enjoy the banter. What do YOU think of Season 11???

OUT

Trippin on Zeppelin

2011-05-19T15:10:00.000-07:00

First of all, we lost Durbin last week--I know, I know... some of you are glad, and some of you vowed to drink paint before you ever watch Idol again. Personally, I was disappointed. He brought a different genre to light on Idol that has never been seen before and performed it well.

And now he's gone... and we have two country singers and a rock/jazz fusion goddess left. To prevent this from becoming Nashville Idol, I am hoping that Haley stays alive to face Scoddy the Scooder McCooter in the finale. Did she do enough to ensure that spot in the final two?

The format for the night is singer's choice, Jimmy Bovine's choice and Juggheads' choice... Three songs for each performer. We also have Beyonce, who is there for moral support and positive feedback.

So here we go, starting with...

Scoddy McCooter - Amazed by Lonestar: I wasn't amazed at the song or the performance, but it was typical Scoddy. Maybe this was HOT for you country fans, I am just not feeling it. Scoddy is so good at singing country songs, it almost seems to easy. B+

Laurena Alien - Wild One by Faith Hill: Again, another country song--this is going to be a long night! Like Scoddy, Lauren is very solid and capable of singing great country music. No exception here, but as I write this today, I can barely remember this performance! B

Haley Risinghart - What is and What Should Never Be by Led Zeppelin: Wow, the song choice by Haley blew me out of the water. But how would she perform? How about SMOKIN HOT! This was one of those performances that I will never forget. And no, not cuz she fell down! To top it off, her dad shredded on the axe with his own daughter in front of millions--can it get better than that? A

HERE'S JIMMY!!! Time for the perpetual HAT-head to pick some good songs! Jimmy Jimmy Coco Puff!

Scoddy - Are you Gonna Kiss Me or Not by Meh Country Band: Scoddy is sportin the guitar on this song. That, and his googly eyes are all that I can recall about this performance. B

Lauren - If I Die Young by Band Perry: It's supposed to be a hurtful downer of a song, but peppy Lauren will make it upbeat! Other than missing a "key change" (in her own words), the song was fine. Not blown away by Lauren yet, how will she do on #3? B-

Haley - Rhiannon by Fleetwood Mac: Good song choice, but someone did this song last season and they failed to impress - let's see How Haley fares... and the verdict is? Fantastic! Take that, Redneck Idol! By this time, I am firmly in Haley's corner and hoping she can pull out a WIN! BTW, great use of the smoke and wind machine! B+

Before we move to Juggies'choices, we must first witness a portion of Beyonce's new music video, which is an interesting mix of Spartacus meets Mad Max. She even blows up a car with her mind powers. How about you blow up Seacrest's arms a bit--they are looking a little shriveled lately.

In any event... on to the Chucklehead choices!

Scoddy - She Believes in Me by Kenny Rogers: Baby lock them doors and turn the lights down low... Oops, that was Scoddy's dad! Hey how bout another country song, and make it a ballad too! Right on sirs! The chorus brought Scotty out of his lower register comfort zone, but it sounded forced and unnatural. He still did a decent job with it, and will be in the Finals cuz gramma said so. B

Lauren - I Hope you Choke by Leann Womack: Shocker! Country Song! Honestly, I was almost sleeping when this song was performed. I can only take so much sappy hee-haw music and then it all sounds like white noise with chaps and spurs. I think this was slightly better than her other songs, but overall, a pretty average night. B+

Haley - You Oughtta Know by Alannis Morissette: SWEET--love this song and I have wanted her to sing this all season. First, we gotta edit out the nasties, of course. Started the song a little on the soft side, maybe a little too soft. However, when the chorus and angry parts came up, she smoked 'em! YOU, YOU, YOU! Oughtta Know that Haley is I I T W I !!!!!!! A-

Rankings for Tri-fecta Night:

Haley
Scoddy
Lauren

In my opinion, Haley is the clear winner. She picked the best song, and she successfully sang whatever else they threw at her. Scotty and Lauren didn't leave their comfort zones at all, and quite frankly, they were boring (for me). I am thinking a Haley/Scotty finale is in the making, and that would be pretty cool. A Scotty/Lauren finale would be disastrous. Nothing against Lauren, but only enough room for one country kid.

So long, blue-eyed Lauren. We will miss your Prom and Pirate's dresses, and your spitt'n image Mom and the 300 other members of your family.

Haley vs Scotty for the big mozzarella!!! Until next week...

OUT

Gaga me with a Spoon

2011-05-11T22:44:00.000-07:00

It's Final Four night, but without the basketball players and March Madness hoopla. In fact, the only hoopla is how Lady Gaga's makeup can get any freakier. So the themes tonight are "Inspirational Songs" and some songbook by small balding man in front row. I was thinking that we may be in for a long night if song choice becomes an issue, as it oftentimes does. At this stage of the game, you better be bringing the performance and picking great songs. This, unfortunately, didn't happen.

The night started off promising as we hear that Durbin is going to be doing some Journey as his inspirational number. So here we go...

James "hips" Durbinator - Don't Stop Believin by Journey: It was a matter of time before Durbin did RJAXX a tribute by doing a Journey song and he did this one right. Great performance, including the Journey shirt, tails, lunchbox and video game. Ex-Journey bass player Randy eats it up (along with a lot of pizzas). The judges loved it, the crowd ate it up and James proved that he was back from an ungood performance last week. A

Helly Grindhart - Earth Song by Michael Jackson: Dear lord, Hailey, you either hit it out off the park or you blow yourself up like pop rocks in soda can. This was the latter. The judges were harsh (except Lips, who must be conditioned like the guy in Clockwork Orange to not say or do anything negative). I agree with RJAXX and JLOWW--poor song choice and confusing as to her direction as an artist. Clearly frustated, she talked a little smack back to Randy (not good). I applaud that the song was inspirational to her, but this is a freakin' competition--gotta go for the win baby! C

Scoddy the Botty McQuery - Where Were You When the World Stopped Turning by Hillbilly Jackson: Yukkety Yuk... a song about 9/11. Again, I respect the personal inspiration that Scoddy has from this song, but I personally didn't care for it. Songs that imply that one is not political, are political, and with recent events, this was a golden opportunity to display the old red, white and blue. Smart move by McQuery, but to me, not entertaining and not inspiring. Just sayin! B-

Laurena Bobbit Alaina - Anyway by Martina McBride: Meh... Another snoozer country song that I never heard of. Great dress though--Hey Lauren, Cap'n Jack Sparrow is looking for his wardrobe! Maybe if she would have worn an eye patch, the song would have inspired more. She sang good enough and I think did enough to beat Haley in this round. B

Before Round Two starts, SeaKrust must first embarrass the performers by standing them up like kindergarteners in front of the judges to get an early feel for where they stand. Of course JLOWW and Lips take the high road, but RJAXX hits Haley right in the bread basket with his "3 way tie" remark... Nicely done Chuckles.

Round Two: Songs by the Law Firm of Lieber, Stoller, Cheatem and Howe

To further confuse things, they throw the order of singers out of whack and we start with Haley:

Haley Blackhart - I Who Have Nothing by Edith Pilaf: Rice who? As Haley often does, she slays this song after an earlier misstep. I wasn't sure how this would go after she started, but after digesting the overall performance, I thought it was masterful. For Pete's sakes, Haley, can you not pick two good songs in a row? I'm rooting for Haley to get to the final three, but not convinced that she's done enough overall. A

Scooty McTooty - Young Blood by the Coasters: His banter with Gaga was great and gross at the same time. His performance was silly and borderline clown-like. His insane eye movements coupled with his alligator arms made him look like an escaped inmate from the nut factory. But it was much more fun than his previous number, so I'll give him props for not being boring and dry. B

Cap'n Jack Alaina - Trouble by Elvis: Yes, Miss Wholesome, we know you aren't "really" evil, so just play the role and have some fun. Lauren actually did a sweet job with this song and played it out like she should have. The performance was good and she didn't seem so nervous this time. Her and Haley are going to battle for 3rd place I think after tonight. B+

Hippy James Durbin - Love Potion #9 by Elvis Presley: In the rehearsal, it appeared that this might be Crap Potion #10. However, they turned it into a rock song and Durbin did his thing. Does anyone else notice that Durbin has big-ass hips? At any rate, it was a solid performance, although it got a little weird and indulgent at the end. B+

Rankings for Uninspirational Songs:

Durbin
Lauren
Scoddy
Haley

Rankings for small bald man Songs"

Haley
Durbin
Lauren
Scoddy

Overall, it doesn't matter as I believe that it's a James vs Scotty finale. Lauren or Haley will go home Thursday. I believe that Haley's inconsistency and talking back to the judges will doom her and she will probably be the one who goes. Grizzly Abrams will be waiting with open arms and stinky beard.

At least we don't have to listen to Jakub anymore.

OUT

Jakub Lusk: Not in it to win it

2011-05-05T07:44:00.000-07:00

In a new wrinkle on theme nights, the Idol gang gets to sing songs from "then" and "now." Something old, something new, something boring, something blew. We also have dubiously impeccable song advisor Jimmy Bovine and Sheryl Crow to help the kids out in their time of need. The performers get to do two songs each, so unfortunately, we have to listen to Lusk treat our ears to audible waterboarding multiple times

.

According to RJAX, it's time to show whether or not "you are in it to win it." We will hear this phrase on more than once occasion on this night...sigh.

So first up is our resident rock god, King James of Durbinville.

Durbinator: Closer to the Edge by 30 Seconds to Mars - Judging by James' attire, I assumed we would be in store for some hard rockin' metal, but instead Durbin opted for some radio-friendly comtempo-schmaltz to entertain us. Personally, I thought it was his weakest performance to date and didn't care for it at all. It was a bit "pitchy" and lacked authenticity. I am already looking forward to his second song and redemption. B

Jakub Lush: No Air by Jordin Sparks - Man, do I really have to listen to this? Lush has so jumped the shark in this competition, that he is becoming Sanjaya-like. If he makes it to next week, especially after this flaccid and conflicted performance, I will be unshocked and unfazed, but disappointed as hell. C-

Lauren Elaine Bennes: Flat on the Floor by Carrie Fisher Underwood - Not quite Underwood, but dressed to play the part. This was good, but not great. I still think something is holding her back from just flat out killing a song (in a good way). I still think she has a slight confidence issue and is afraid to fail. Although Randy said she is "in it to win it" (ugh), I think she is in it to not lose it. By the way, can someone please throw that fiddler off a roof??? He was bogarting Lauren's camera time with his barbaric stage movements. Fiddler - D- Lauren - B+

Scoddy the Body: Gone by Montgomery Gentry - How about we change that title to "Jakub is GONE by Montgomery Ward." Scoddy is all over the place on this performance, literally. He is using the stage as his personal rodeo grounds and is entertaining as hell for once. The vocal was good, but he got the crowd in a frenzy too. Again, Randy says Scoddy is "in it... blah blah blah... A-

Haley Bravehart: Unreleased song by Lady GaGa - Haley has some balls to take on an unknown song by GaGa but I commend her for it. I disagree with the judges and thought her performance was both technically sound and spirited. Song choice was not the best, but at least she performed it well. B+

DING DING Round TWO!

Dangerous James Durbin: Without You by Harry Nilson - Interesting song choice, but James wants to prove that he is more than just a metalhead. This song obviously has a significant meaning and emotional connection to James, as he can barely get through his audition. On stage live, he shows his softer side and keeps it together until the end. Unlike the other balladeers on the show, James' performance feels real and genuine. Not my favorite from him, but I think it will help him win more votes. B

From Lusk til Dawn: Love Hurts by Nazareth - Since the Nazareth version is the only one I know, that will be my baseline of comparison. You are NO Nazareth, Lusk! Admittedly, this was much better than his first disaster, but was still hard to listen to, just because his voice is now the equivalent of poisonous, carniverous sand leeches. Please be the last we hear of Jakub. C+

Laurena Bobbit Alaina: Unchained Melody by Righteous Bros: Lauren does a nice job here and has moments of greatness, but she is still letting the song own her and not the other way around. This could have been one of those special performances, but will just pass off as pretty good. Sweet prom dress, too! B+

Boot Scottin Scoddy: You Were Always on my Mind by Willie Nelson/Elvis: Guess what folks, Scotty is IN IT TO... yadda yadda yadda. Overall, this was very good, almost great. Scotty is peaking and I am convinced of a James/Scotty finale more than ever. He is also learning not to hold the microphone like a flute, so I will give him a B+

Hail to Rinehart! House of the Rising Sun by the Animals: Thank you Sheryl Crow for some good advice, which is for Haley to begin the song acapella. I wasn't sure how this was going to go, but she kicked the crap out of it and blew me away. Hands down the best performance of the night, and for once I agree with the judges on that. Unfortunately, Haley has been a bottom-dweller for too long and she may be in danger, along with Lush. A

Interesting night, but not my favorite. Most performances were pretty good but only one that was stellar. The worst performance of the night was the frickin' fiddler trying to steal the spotlight from Lauren.

Combined Rankings for THEN AND NOW:

Scoddy the Botty
Haley (yep I said it)
James and Lauren TIED
Jakub Lush

Jakub and Haley will once again be forced to stand together as the bottom two. I hope America gets it right because one of them belongs and other needs to get his ladder and get the hell off the stage.

Na na na na... Na na na na... HEY HEY... GOODBYE JAKUB!!!!

OUT

King Durbin's Crown

2011-04-28T12:20:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone! I’m back after being in hiatus for a week… thanks for being patient. I actually finally watched last week’s shows and was glad to see James knock the snot out of the competition and relieved that they finally put Joey out of his misery. I also thought Haley did Adele proud with her rendition of Rolling in the Deep.

Having said that, and then seeing last night’s show, it is clearly Durbin’s competition to lose. He brings something new to the table each week and he executes it with surgeon-like precision. Unlike Jakub who just executes his songs via noose, firing squad, lethal injection, etc.

So we have Carole King night, which I wasn’t all that thrilled about, especially since we’ve already had that theme a few seasons ago, and it was less than memorable. These producers have got to do a better job of coming up with interesting and fresh themes! If they do another “songbook by Dianne Warren,” the Kodak Center may mysteriously burn down to the ground.

And then there were SIX. Once we get rid of Jakub, we will have a legitimate TOP 5, and I will look forward to the next few weeks.

So we start the performances with the gratuitous Jimmy Bovine interventions, along with another guest. First up is none other than Flubberbuns Jakub Lush.

Flubberbuns – Oh Not My Baby: what the hell is that apparatus he’s got on? He looks like Judge Schmails from Caddyshack about to embark on his yacht adventure. B-B-B-Buy Bushwood???? Sorry Jakub, you’ll get nothing and like it. Actually, the song and singing wasn’t as bad or predictable as in previous weeks, but it’s too little, too late. C+

Laurena Bobbit Alaina – Where You Lead: Lauren has been fizzling lately, she seems to have lost some confidence along the way, or her fear of failure is holding her back. However, she was pretty strong last night. Not a big fan of the song, but she performed it adequately. B

Scotty Filet of McCreery – You’ve Got a Friend: Scotty is another one that has been mailing it in lately, but he picked his Alfred E Newman self back up by the bootstraps and put on a good showing. The beginning was especially impressive. Now if he could stop holding the mic like a flute, and continue to improve, he has a good shot. America definitely loves Filet of McCreery. A-

Durbin the Destroyer – Will You Love Me Tomorrow: No metal? No problem. If you can’t see that this kid has all the gifts, then you aint lookin. As JLOWW said last night, he has yet to have a bad night. And I know I am biased, but he’s been at the top of my rankings almost every week. This week is no exception. His acapella intro to this song was sonic smoothness, and when the music came in, he transitioned perfectly without missing a note or beat. He gets better every week. I definitely see the pattern he is following, ala David Cook and Adam Lambert. A

Grizzled Abrams – Hy-Vee-Ho: Shop HyVee, shop HyVee… where there’s a grizzly snarl down every arl! You people not from Iowa won’t get that one. Grizzly going back to his jazz roots again, started off on fire, then he went all mad cow on everyone and was snarling, growling and running around the stage like an angry badger. Overall, it was decent, but I fear he may be in trouble again. B-

Haildamage Rinehart – Beautiful: Haley has made significant strides in getting to where she’s at. She had a slight hiccup 2 weeks ago, but she has been on a tear and picking the right songs. I think she made another good choice last night. Having said that, she will still be bottom 3 again, cuz her fan base keeps switching up on her. Now that she has found her niche, those people will have to come out in droves to keep her around. B+

In order to fill up the 90 minutes, we had duets again. Quite frankly, I would rather have a 60 minute show and sh*tcan the duets now. They are cute on the Thursday show, but I want my 60 minute show back. The seem to keep putting the same ones together too… Well, except for Durbin and Fluffass. That was just bizarre.

Rankings for KING night:

Durbinator
Scotty
Haley
Lauren
Grizzly
Flubber

I will say that Flubber, Grizzly and Haley will be bottom 3. I can’t see Lauren there, she has a bigger fan base than Haley. Let’s cut to the chase, it is TIME to get rid of Jakub and his stentorian wardrobe malfunctions. Please America, please!!!

OUT

Metal Idol Goes Wylde

2011-04-13T23:04:00.001-07:00

Tonight on Idol, we were treated to performances that showcased movie tunes. This could have gone sideways, which it did in a couple cases, or it could have kicked some serious @ss which it most definitely did at the end of the show.

But enough about the singing competition... we must first celebrate Jenny down the street's designation as the most beautiful woman in the world. Hat's off to ya, JLOWW!!! Was she not eating that up or what? She was glowing like a neon Schlitz sign at the local pool parlor all night long.
We are also warned again that we must vote for our favorites, or dare suffer the fate of poor Pia Tobasco, who got yanked from the Idol stages long before her time was due. Why? Yes, I was pretty peeved that Pia was presented with pinkslip before the likes of Joey and Jakub, but after I pondered the reasons why America crapped on itself, I figured it out. She did not have a "built-in" audience. The people that vote for Joey and the rest of the younger singers are because Idol's voting system is royally effed up. The tweens and teens are out in full force sending unlimited text votes to the wrong people! Limit voting to 10 votes per voting source, whether it is phone, text or internet. The technology exists! Pia's target audience is what? Guys in bars (according to Lips Tyler) and Pia's family. Sorry, but the chuckleheads in the bars are not voting.

Now, on to the show...

First up is Paul McChiclets - Old Time Rock and Roll by Bob Seger: This was classic Paul. Looking like Bradley Cooper dressed like a magician at a Nursing Home. Same wispy thin voice and the teeth are whiter than liquid paper. The performance was just okay. I keep asking myself why he doesn’t sing any Paul Simon. B

Lauren Elcamino - The Climb by Ciley Myrus: Lauren can just flat out sing anything. If she can make a Hannah Montana Banana song sound decent, then she's alright in my book. Sorry Miley, you just got pwned! A-

Joey Tribiani Langone - End of the Road by Boomerang?: Perhaps it IS the end of the road for Joey. Time to go to "Central Perk" and have a skinny latte with Smelly Cat. Man, I did not see this coming... a ballad. Technically, again, it was good and I can't give him a FAIL, except for the fact that he fails to entertain me. I was not familiar with this song either. B-

Scotty McCountry - The Wrong Song by George Strait: I was BIG TIME disappointed that Scotty chose this yawner over the song he was rehearsing. Why Scotty why? Et tu Scotte? I am still shaking my head because his rehearsal song blew me away and then they tricked us into thinking that was going to be the one! Ugh, this was a letdown for me. B

Grizzly Abrams - Nature Boy by Nat King Coleslaw: This eclectic little ditty will either haunt him forever or sail him through to next week. Tough to call. I am betting that the teens will not be texting millions of votes for our favorite bear. I really admire the originality of this performance, but if the goal is to get votes, this might not be successful. A- (for having the berries to do his own thing)

Hailey Miniskirt - Call Me by Blonsky: The song definitely fits the personality and stage persona to a T. Unfortunately, the singing did not maintain that level of swankiness. The first note was cantankerous, and the rest of the song was good karaoke. Her momentum just hit a wall. Maybe if she wears an even shorter skirt next week (if she makes it), she can keep stealing votes. C+

Jakub Lush - Bridge Over Troubled Water by Simon and Garfunkenstein: Jakub, you are a nice guy with a really big, fluffy @ss. And you have a great voice for large churches. However, your singing is making me want to fill my ears with Elmer’s Glue-All. Holy crap, I really want to like his singing, but I just cannot freaking do it. B-

James Daredevil Durbin - Heavy Metal by Sammy Hagar: And featuring Zach Wylde on guitar. I am so proud of James for standing up for what he believes in and picking dignity and originality over what JIMMY and Capt Autotune wanted him to do. A+ for attitude. James knows who he is and what he can do and he proved it tonight by kicking the living crap out of the competition. Yah I know, I'm a metal guy myself, so I am biased, right? Perhaps, but I think the way the crowd reacted and how the voting goes will prove that this performance was flawless from inception to execution. A

Now that is the way to end the evening. Once again, nothing was horrible, but song choice may come back on a couple of these yahoos.

Rankings for Movie Night:

James Danger Durbin
Lauren Alkaline
Grizzly Abrams
Paul McSqueaky
Scotty McCreaky
Joey McTribiani
Jakub McLush
Hailey McReinskirt

My bottom 3, NOT based on my rankings, but based on how America votes (idiots), is Hailey, Joey and Grizzly Abrams. I'm afraid that Grizzly might be going home because the risk he took to do his own thing may have cost him. Which is unfortunate.

Next week I am out of pocket, so an article may or may not be coming. I will be locked in a dungeon on the east coast for a week with no TV. I will try to "youtube" the show and hopefully squeak something out for y'all...

OUT

Rock and Dull Hall of Fame

2011-04-06T21:28:00.000-07:00

Tonight's theme is the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and "all the greats." Gwen Stefani shows up for about two seconds, then disappears into the night. Steven Tyler is wearing the technicolor yawn shirt and RJAX is sportin' the Hefty cinch sack jacket. And of course, the King of Autotune, Will I. Aint is here to offer advice.

Lots of rock influence so far! No, not really. I should have figured that the rockin would be at a miniscule level when the performers all came out in dresses and black ties.

Naturally, the most rocking of the bunch is leading off tonight...

Jacob Lush - Man in the Mirror by Michael Jackson: Sung 600 times before, here we go. Yah that's just rockin baby! Not! It's not Anti-rock night, Jake! Prancing around in his white marshmallow man suit. Just meh... B- F for sticking to the theme.

Hailey Blackhart - Piece of my Heart by Janis Joplin: Thank you for sticking to the genre--this was good, the kind of song Hailey should be doing consistently. Don't look now, but she's making a run. A-

Grizzly Abrams - Have you ever seen the Rain by CCR: Captain F Bomb bringin' the big old bass. Good song choice and performance. Well done, you little bearded freak. A-

Lauren Alabama - Natural Woman by Arethra Franklin: Is that Kelly Clarkson? Not quite rock and roll, but she makes every song she sings better than the originals. Lauren will be around for a while. A-

Dangerous James Durbin - While My Guitar Gently Weeps by George Harrison: Big risk by the only true rocker the show has... Not the usual Dis-durbin performance, but he brought a contemporary edge to it. Still got his high note in at the end and showed his softer side. A-

Scotty McChucky - That's Alright Mama by Elvis: Can Scotty beam us up a rock song? The Denim Phenom was out of his element a bit, but it was entertaining nonetheless. Not great, but it was fun, like a Dr. Demento song or chucking rocks at trains. B

Pia Tobasco - River Deep Mountain High by Tina Turner: Pia gotta get pissed off! She should be pissed at whoever picked out that sloppy jumpsuit she wore. Really? Her @ss was swimming in that cotton trainwreck. Still, a pretty powerful performance and out of her comfort zone. A

Stephanie Joey Tribiani - When a Man Loves a Woman by Percy Sledge: Now that is a rockin' song! No, it wasn't. His high parts were whimpy, the rest of the song was a little over-indulgent. Simon would have ripped this. Sometimes a little Simon goes a long way. B-

Paul McBleachedteeth - Fulsom Prison Blues by Johnny Cash: Good song choice. Paul's feathery light scratchy voice fits this song just right. Nice job. A

It's funny how no matter what the theme is, we keep hearing the same songs and performers going out of their way to "massage" the genre to their own strengths. The best singers are the ones who will stay true to the genre, put their own spin on it, and pick good songs. The actual singing tonight was collectively pretty good on a technical level.

How do we evaluate performance when all the singers are proficient? Well eff it, I'll do it for ya!

Rankings for Rock and Meh Night: Gosh darn it, I don't know who to put up here, so I'm going by originality and the ability to not annoy the crap out of me:

Pia Tobasco

Paul McCloseUp

Turbo Durbin

Grizzy Abrams

Lauren Alabama

Hailey Blackhart

Scotty McCracken

Joey Tribbles and Bits

Jacob Lush

Some will protest my putting Jacob at the bottom, and that is okay. I can't apologize for a song has been overdone by many, and it wasn't even close to rock and roll. It also wasn't that challenging for him. Same for Joey. Just a handful of lameness and "been there, done that."

Bottom Three??? Tough call. I would like to see one trick pony Jacob and ballad-boy Joey there. The third spot may go to Denture-boy Paul again. I want to see Paul stay alive, so hopefully he'll get a comfy seat on the couch.

Next week, we get a one second visit from Fergie and useless advice from Hanna Montana. I'm starting to miss Simon.

OUT

The Resurrection of Grizzly Abrams

2011-03-30T21:14:00.000-07:00

Tonight is Sir Elton John night. The man with the fabulous spectacles and flamboyant attire. And then we see Ryan Seakrust come out with hat hair. What, no faux hawk action tonight, Ryan? Man, I hope someone bangs out Crocodile Rock tonight, or will we be subjected to a plethora of ballads? Also good to see Grizzly Abrams back in the game. Holy crap, did he about soil his beard with sick sauce? I think the judges made the right choice in saving him--he just needs to quite scaring the sh*t out of America with the carniverous canine antics.

In other news, we lose two people tomorrow night. I hope everyone got on their horns and voted, if this competition has any meaning for you. I didn't. HAHA--just kidding...

So here we go.. nothing new here, but the contestants are doing some sort of modeling nonsense and doing the usual interviews with Jimmy Bovine (sans hood). Auditions sound good so far. First up is:

Scotty McChuckwagon - Country Comfort: Not a whole lot of range tonight, playing it pretty safe. Sang it well, but it bored me to a trail of tears. B-

Naima Addsomepepper - I'm Still Standing: the only thing she has in common with Sir Elton is the matching teeth. This Jamaican jabberwocky had me expecting John Candy to come out with the bobsled team. Fairly average, not much going on here, and kind of weird. C

Paul McDentures - Rocket Man: Has the flower coat and pants on. Paul, you're scarin the customers again... Song was soft and fluffy like a flower-printed bounce sheet. Perhaps bring the skinny jeans again. Nothing special here, folks. C+

Pia Tobasco - Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me: Another ballad... Although Clay Aiken will never be topped on this song, she did a solid job. However, she showed some hot sauce by going against the judge's advise to not do a ballad this week. Pia's response, "Screw You, Chuckleheads!" It was good, but c'mon get out of your freakin comfort zone! B

Steffanograph Joey Tribiani - Tiny Dancer: Bear Hair Boy bandish version, nothing to write home about. This was good karoake at best. Nice kiss-up to the judges at the end. Chandler gives it a C and Ross an A- cuz Ross is a weinie. B-

Lauren Alabama - Candle in the Wind: Another ballad, but she blew it out of the water. No wind could blow out her candle tonight. First song tonight that made me take notice, and apparently Lips's notice as well, but for other "various" reasons. A

Delirious James Durbin - Saturday Night's Allright for Fighting: Great showmanship, loves the crowd and attention. Strong finish, the guy knows how to perform. What else can be said? Yah, the hair thing is somewhat corny, but the show NEEDS James. A

Thia Tequila - Daniel: Pretty sleepy and loungey. Feel like I'm at the most depressing wedding reception ever. It wasn't horrible, it was just safe and had the scent of watered down vanilla pudding pops... C+

Grizzly Abrams - You're Song: We got ourselves a cleaned up Grizzly bear! I bet when he was done performing, he found a nice big mud pit to swim around in. In any event, both the look and the sound were right on, and he should be back with a vengeance. A-

Jacob Lush - Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word: I'm sorry that I had to hear this song. Any resemblance of Elton John was wiped off the planet. No offense to Jacob personally, but I am just not a fan of his style. I was happiest when this song was over. Meh... B-

Hailey Blackhart - Benny and the Jets: I actually liked this. Hailey has some spunk and we finally get to hear something not slower than frozen tar. She still likes puttin on the moves, but the song choice and performance were all in line. I would give her a straight A, but her "sssssss' sounds at the end of Jetssssss was a bit distracting. A-

Once again, not too many bowzer performances, with the exception of Naima's Jamaican mudslide. Where is Sanjaya Malodork and Pen Salesman and Goat Girl? Clearly, the judges did a good job of picking a top 12, but it makes my job of hurling insults much more difficult.

Rankings for Elton Night:

Lauren Alabama

James Durbin

Hailey Blackhart

Grizzly Abrams

Pia Tuscodero

Scotty McChuckwagon

Jacob Lush

Paul McPepsodent

Thia Tequila

Joey Tribiani

Naima Addapaprika

As far as bottom three and voting, well America just proved that they are a bunch of chowderheads with their feeble voting results last week. I am going to guess that Naima and Joey are bottom-dwellers along with Thia. However, I wouldn't be shocked to see Pauly McTrident there either.

So long Naima and Joey!

Stay tuned for next week when we have Olivia Newton John night and Seacrust comes out with pink Xanadu suit.

OUT

Mo, Larry and Curlytown

2011-03-23T20:57:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the Motormouth City. One of the theme nights that are consistently consistent each season has invaded our TVs once again. Don't get me wrong, I do respect Motown and its storied history, but my gosh, do we have to have it every stinkin' season? One of the thing that twists my niblets about Motown night is that it seems the same songs are done over and over again. Tonight was no exception.

I see that JLOWW has lent Lips her faux-leopard print blouse. RAWR Steven...
So here we go. I do have a miniscule bit of a better attitude this time around, as the competition is better than years past. Especially when we start with...

Grizzly Abrams - Heard it through the Grapevine by Marvin Gaye/CCR and about 14 other contestants. Slick hair, but still wearing that bird habitat on his face. At least trim that thing down bro! So about the performance, hey did he just point to a guy and call him "honey?" It was good, but his pants were too loose. However, the performance was tight! A-

I see that Aerosmith guitarist Brad Whitford in the house--or is that Doctor Johnny Fever from WKRP?

Thia Tequila - Heatwave. Gee, we haven’t heard that one before (ugh) Olson Twins doing backup again... This tepid performance was pretty karaoke, nothing special. She seemed a little uncomfortable and seemed to forget some lyrics. The Jugheads, I mean judges were too easy on her I thought. B-

J Peterman Lusk - You're all I Need by Marvin Gaye: I was hoping that it didn't have more runs than my granny's pantyhose. Not as bad as last week. Is that Danny Aiello playing bass? No, it's Harvey Keitel. This was an improvement from last week, but not as great as Randy said it was... And what's with the hugs??? B

Alauren Alaina - Keep me Hangin on by the Supremes: Sweet beginning then tight transition to a more up-tempo finish. Great song choice and another fun performance from Aliena Laurena. A

Joey Tribiani (Steffano) - Nice plate of leftovers there Tony Danza. Where the hell is Judith Light to kick some @ss? Hello by Lionking Richie? Another ballad, yawn...A little dramatic and sappy, but executed efficiently... Good comments from the judges finally--he's a good ballad singer, but he's going through the motions. Smelly Cat does NOT approve! B-

Gordon Ramsey in the house--You DONKEY!! How cool would it be if he had been picked to be a judge, even for one night--he makes Simon look like Richard Simmons. New show concept: Hell's Auditions.

Hailey Rainstorm - You Really got a hold on me by Smokey Robinson: Hailey once again relies heavily on her sultry moves and "camera-friendly" postures. Voice was a little all over the place, but at least it was interesting. Nice growl by Lips which gets an A. Hailey's growling gets a solid B

Beam me up Scotty McCrazy - For Once in my Life: The kid can shoot some hoops, and as for his performance, he made it his own. Alfred E. Neuman knows how to use his voice for different genres. Nicely played at the end, even with the cheesy facial gestures. His stock continues to rise despite the goofiness... A-

Pia Tuscadero - All in Love is Fair: Pia is awesome, but another ballad? It was very dramatic and she hit the high notes. Don't love the song, but she sang the crap out of it. As JLOWW said, we need to see her own the stage and step out of the concrete overshoes. Agree with RJAX--sing something up-tempo you silly lady! A-

Denty McDonald - Tracks of my Tears by Smokey the Bear: Is he wearing skinny jeans again? Maybe a jacket with dragons should be next? Hey Paul, you're scarin' the customers! The guitar is bigger than he is, literally. Oh hello Olson Twins again. It was just alright Cougars unite--vote for Paul! B

Noxzema Adedapo - Dancin in the Street by Van Halen (haha-I wish)... that is one hell of a pair of bellbottoms. Did she hide some little circus clowns in there? Didn't love the song. Disagree with the judges--they're being too nice. the dancing was something you might see on America's Got Talons. The voice was average at best. C+

Dangerous James Durbin - Livin for the City by Stevie Wonder: Gettin the money spot tonight, but not really needing it as he once again outsmoked the competition. He made it original and rocked it out. Durbin has all the ingredients to take this competition to the end. Did you hear how loudly RJAX got booed when he started off with some criticism? A

Alright, alright, who wins the evening? Although it was yet another Motown night, this one was better than the last few. No one really sucked, and there were a couple of inspired performances.

Rankings for the Night:

Turbo Durbin
Laurena Bobbit Alaina
Scotty E Neuman
Grizzly Abrams
Pia Tuscadero
Topol McDonald
Jacob Lusky #7
Hailey Rhinestrong
Joey Tribiani
Thia Tequila
Noxzema Addpepper

Well unfortunately for Naima and Hailey, I think they are in danger of being in the bottom, along with perhaps a surprise, like maybe Casey or Paul. Thia may be also in danger, as she has been slipping.

So long Naima, it's been good to know ye!

I swear if next week is disco week, I am going to hunt down Jimmy Bovine or whatever the hell his name is and tear his hood off his permanently attached sweatshirt.

OUT

Insomnia Idol

2011-03-16T22:11:00.000-07:00

Top 12, here it is... Does anyone miss Omarosa? Ooops, wrong reality show. I meant Ashton Kutcher Jones. No, I'm afraid I didn't either. So here we are with our Top 12 and the theme of the night is "songs from your birth year." I will give the show props for at least making it open with many opportunities to sing something cool and have a wide variety of material to choose from.

Well that is all good in theory, but how about when put pencil to paper? I must admit, I am a tad underwhelmed overall by the song choices, provided the vast choice of groovy sh*t.

Speakng of groovy, who the hell dressed the judges tonight? Liberace? Lips looked like a technicolor yawn... JLOWW had the wind-tunnel tested hairdo, and some jungle cat is looking for it's skin. RaJack kept it real with his Sears Toughskins denim ensemble.

Ok enough on the three stooges...

How were the performances? Before I go into them individually, my overall impression of last night's performances had the consistency of mama bear's porridge. Kind of weak, kind of warm and a little soft.

Let's gettit on!

Naima Morimoto - "What's Love Got to Do with it" by Tina Turner: What's pitch got to do with it? Not much apparently, as Naima fumbled all over this song like Ben freaking Roethlisberger at a nightclub. She had more pitching problems than Charlie Sheen in MAJOR LEAGUE. It wasn't horrible, but it wasn't horrible. That's all I gotta say about that! C+

Paul McFluoride - "That's why they Call it the Blues" by Elton John: Last year, secret squirrel sang this song and got kicked off the next night. Will Captain Creststrips make the cut this time? I think he will, even though this was far from stellar. Paul's chiclets and SNL's Sprockets dance moves will keep him in... B- And lose the skinny jeans bro!

Thia Tequila - "Colors of the Wind” from Pocahontas: Smooth, silky and very safe. Not a lot to crow about here, just another underwhelming ho-hum performance. Will she ever recapture her glory from two weeks ago? Another victim of flimsy song choices may be in her future. It was just vanilla swirled with more vanilla. B

Dangerous James Durbin - "I'll Be There For You” by Bon Jovi: Finally, a song choice that didn't suck the life out of the show. He's consistently picking good songs and performing well--this will bode well for him as the show goes on. It wasn't awesome, but it threw some life into the snoozefest the show was becoming. His stage presence and camaraderie with the judges is well played. A- By the way, his birthday is Jan 6, which is also mine! YOU GO MAN!!!!

Hailey RyneSandberg - "I'm Your Baby Tonight” by Whitney Houston: Hey Hailey, Catwoman is looking for her pants! Enough about fashion... Hailey throws us a flat performance that looked better than it sounded. Hailey knows her strengths, which is her looks, but her singing is not top 5 material. C

Steffano Joey Tribiani - "If You Don't Know Me By Now" by Simply Weak: Hello? David Bearhair Archuleta 2.0 is at it again. Although it was a solid performance,it just fortifies the fact that all he can do is weak sauce ballads. His sweet threads with those classy British Knights hightops really set the tone. A begrudging B

Pia Tuscadero - “Where Do Broken Hearts Go” by Whitney Houston: One of my early favorites didn't disappoint, even though doing a Whitney song usueally spells merciless insults by RJack. Not this time--she pulled it off and did great. However, her competition up this poiint has been flaccid for the most part. A

Beam me up Scotty McDoody - Some Country song by Travis Tritt: I really don't like country (except the man in black), and this was no exception... Didn't like this at all, but I gotta be objective and give him a good score! OOOOOOH I hate that! I like Scotty and his Bilbo Baggins haircut, His singing was solid, so... B+

Chachi Rodriguez - “Love Will Lead You Back” by Taylor Dane Cook: Once of my early faves, she is dropping like Mel Gibson's popularity ratings. So disappointing as she clearly is lacking in power, passion and pizzazz. And the adding Spanish lyrics is old now... JLOWW aint that impressed anymore, so ya better come up with something fresh Ms. Knucklechuckle! B-

Casey Chewbacca Abrams - "Smells like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana: First of all, ballsy song choice, I like it already. I gotta give this guy credit for having the jewels to pick a Nirvana song! But then he sang it, and his virility was neutered. In the end, the song smelled like teen sweatsocks. B-

Lorne Green Alaina - “I'm The Only One” by Melissa Etheridge: Welcome back Lauren--very nicely done on this tune, and it wasn't country per se. One of the more memorable, recognizable and consistent performances of the night. A-

Jacob Musk - “Alone” by Heart: Odd song choice, but then again, Jakey is a little on the prodigious side. His voice is like 6000 pounds of jello all-a-quiver until he hits those runs, which he has been perpetually overusing. He did subdue them to some degree until the end, but alas, they were there again. Overall, better than last week. B

I gotta tell ya... overall, last night was pretty blase. No real standout performances, but no real bowzers either. However, the girls take 2 of the top 3 for the night---I knew they had it in 'em!

Ratings for the night:

Pia Tuscodero
Lauren Alaina
James Durbin
Scotty McCracken
Casey Abrahamson
Thia Tequila
Paul McDental
Steffano Tribiani
Jacob Lush
Karen Rodregisphilbin
Hailey Rheinoceros
Naima Origato

Threats to head home tonight are Naima, Hailey and Karen. Too tough to call here folks, but I would venture to guess Hailey and Karen--Hailey has no identity and Karen has been underwhelming and disappointing. What a shame for both! Paul can't rely on his teeth forever, so he better start picking better songs or he and his skinny jeans will be next on the chopping block!

OUT

Idol Worship

2011-03-10T00:08:00.000-08:00

It's an Idol Baker's Dozen as our Top 13 get ready to show their stuff. The theme tonight is "songs from your Personal Idols," which casts a much wider net around song choices than let's say, ummm... Disco Night (ugh!). We also had the privilige of seeing the awesome producers from the record company (ad nauseum), I mean advise our young hopefuls.

Lips, JLOWW and Randy were in magnanimous spirits last night as it was like pulling Paul McDonald's teeth to elicit a negative quip from them. Obviously, the top-to-bottom talent on the show is at an all-time high and that makes it much more difficult to cast stones or in some cases, roses.

So here we go. Tonight starts off with a bang as one of "the anointed ones" kicks it off...

Laurena Alaina Twaina: Any Man of Mine by Shania Twain - Good way to start off the show, something upbeat and non-ballady. Which is what she said, thank you very much. Even with the addition of the Olson twins doing backups, the judges were a little lukewarm on it because they want people to feel sorry for her, which means more votes. Nice strategy and sweet jeggings! Solid B

Casey Grizzly Abrams: With a Little Help from my Friends by Joe Cocker - Using the steps as a prop this early in the competition means Casey likes to sit on steps. But seriously, good song for the scraggly bearded one. It reminded me a little of Graylor Hicks, as he was known for doing upbeat, well-known songs while using lots of body language and unique facial tics. B+

Ashthon Kutcher Jones: When You Tell Me That You Love Me by Diana Ross - Diva Knievel started out a little shaky at the beginning and never really got it going on this unknown Ross tune. HEY lady! You squeaked by in the Wildcard round--how about picking a winning song and NOT singing like you're in a high school talent show? C

Paul Dentyne McDonald: Come Pick Me Up by Ryan Adams - Who the he11 is Ryan Adams? Does he also dress like a carhop? First I thought he was going to sing "Summer of 69" by BRYAN Adams, which I would loathe since it is done incessantly every season. But after hearing this quivering pile of WTF, I think I would actually prefer the ubiquitous "Summer" song. C-

Mama Pia Toscano: All By Myself by Celine Dion - Singer or Supermodel? Total package here folks. Not a huge Celine fan, but she sang it adequately. Not great, but pretty good. Criminy, it doesn't matter--she could sing with ping pong balls in her mouth and people will put her through. You go girl! B+

Turbo James Durbin: Maybe I'm Amazed by Paul McCartney - The Turbo-charged Durbinator strikes again. His older self would have tortured this song with that whacked out range of his. However, he has shown considerable growth and restraint when needed. If he keeps this up, he will be in the finals. He was amazing, and no maybes about it. A

Hailstorm Rheinhardt: Blue by LeAnn Rimes - RICOLLA!!!!!!!!!!! I hear mountaineers in search of cough drops and the yodeling girl on The Price is Right. I will give Hailey props for having the balls to actually yodel on live tv. BRAVE or STUPID? I guess it depends on your personal preference. I am so confused as to whether this was any good or not... So I am giving it a C+

Jacob Lusk of the Irish - I Believe I Can Fly by R. Kelly - This song is sung every season, sometimes multiple times per season. I believe I can puke, if I ever hear it again. To hear Jacob over-sing the living bejeezus out of it made me want to beat the living lusk out of him and his pen salesmen suit. Unlike Durbin who can practice restraint, Lusk pushed his singing right off the ledge. D

Thia Tequila: Smile by Michael Jackson - It will be hard to top what Thia did last week, and sure enough, this week was a letdown. It wasn't bad per se, but she raised the bar to the statosphere last week. This week, was an inevitable letdown. That said, it was still a decent performance. B-

Joey Steffano Langone: Lately by Stevie Wonder - Meh. Chandler and Ross thought it lacked chutzpah. I concur with them. As the song was boring me to sleep, I could't help but notice the clothing selections. The Sicilian Eskimo Biker look must be an LA thing. I think he put his wardrobe together via slot machine. FAIL. D+

Separated at birth?

Karen Chi-chi Rodriguez: I Could Fall in Love by Selena - Holy crap, it's time for a girl to blow us away! Nope, nothing to see here folks. Maybe the most disappointing performance of the night, as I expect much more from K-Rod. If she sticks around, she's gotta bring her A game and great song choices. She still looks good though! D+

Scotty McRichieCunningham: The River by Garth Brooks - If there is one person who will make an album IMMEDIATELY after this show, it's Beam me up Scotty. Some Country record label is chompin' at the bit for Scotty to get mule-kicked to the curb. He sung this song so effortlessly, but it will be interesting if they ever make him sing out of his country-comfort zone. A

Naima Odetopepper: Umbrella by Rihanna - Crazy girl, all over da place! Unforunately, as lively and enraptured as her movements are, the voice does not match up. It's not horrible, but it definitely is underwhelming. Do you all overstand this? Naima is a like a box of chocolates. Is she Godiva or that disgusting Russell Stover box of penguin sh*t? Time will tell... B-

Grading out the performers was a bit tougher this week, as there were 13 performers and none of them really stunk. Some of the song choices (as usual) begged for lobotomization, but calling out clear cut winners and losers not that easy.

Rankings for "Idol Worship" week:

James
Scotty
Pia
Casey
Laurena
Thia
Haley
Naima
Paul
Ashthon
Karen
"Joey"
Jacob

At this early stage, it is hard to determine who is going home, but I'm pretty confident that Joey will be in the bottom three. Although Jacob drove me nuts and is sitting at the bottom, he will NO WAY in he11 get voted out now.

So... Joey, Karen and Ashthon in the bottom. Ashthon going home! Diva Con Dios baby!

Ladies better step up next week--the guys kicked their @sses this week, at least in the top 5.

OUT

Girls Gone Mild

2011-03-02T23:01:00.000-08:00

It's Ladies night, and oh what a fight. A fight to see who will be in the Top 5. I will spare you the superfluous intro by Chicken of the Seacrest. But I will say that JLOWW was showin' some thigh last night in a big way. Holy Earl Campbell, Batman!

So let's get the show on the road. Again, the girls get to pick their own songs. How will they do? Song choice is your biggest ally or foe. Will they outperform the boys from Tuesday? Let's find out...

Up first is:

Tarantula Wilson - Only Girl by Rihanna: I don't care if it's Rihanna, Madonna or Benihana. It was not a good song choice and her voice was cannibalized by the music. In addition, it was out of tune and outta here! JWOWW is not hearin' so good. She claims "the crowd was moved." Bombshell... the crowd is MOVED by every song, even the crappola. C-

Naima Nomogato Mister Roboto Adedapo - Summertime by George Gershwin: lady, it was pretty good, but you will not top Fantasia's version, nor will anyone else. However, she did it more up-tempo and did a pretty good job. The back tats really accentuated the emotions of the song. B+

Kendra Chandelier - Impossible by Christina Aguilera: Initially, I was thinking she has some killer range, but then it just got annoying, especially in the upper register. It was just ok, but it coulda woulda shoulda been better. B

Rachel Zebrafeeder - Criminal from Fiona Apple: Picking that song was a crime. Rachel is/was supposed to be the next Siobhan Magnus from a couple seasons ago. Great pipes and uniquely original song choices. She showed neither of these traits Wednesday night. First big disappointment of the night. I think the problem with Rachel is that she is conflicted with who she is. I thought they were supposed to have advisors on the show this season? If she comes back it will be as second chance wildcard. D+

Karen Chi-chi Rodriguez - Hero by Mariah Carey: Karen was one of my top picks and I thought she did excellent on this song. It was the right song for her, and she sang it beautifully, both English and Spanish. Her voice is like Spin Blend... smooth and creamy! A

Lauren Turner Overdrive - Seven Day Fool by Etta James: Great song choice--congratulations! It's not so hard is it? Lips said it best when he said it was a complete sentence. Lauren can go far if she is consistent. Great range and great tone. A-

Ashton Kutcher Jones - Love All Over Me by Monica: Big hair, big voice, big shoes, lots of attitude and confidence. Not sure I like the song, but she sure did. It was decent, but I'm on the fence with this one. B+

Julio Godzilla - Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson: DOH! Biting off a little more than can be chewed, I'd say. Miss South America might be packing her bags after this mess. It just lacked the oomph that Kelly put in it. No comparison. It sort of came off like good karaoke. Disappointment #2, as she was also an early favorite. She still has great shoes and fashion sense! C+

Haley Rhinefardt - Fallin by Alicia Keys: Decent song choice, but I felt that she overdramatized it with the slinky movements and a few too many growls. Probably what killed it for me was toward the end, she was sounding like a kitten on helium. Bobby Brady said it best, when he quipped, "Baby talk, baby talk, it's a wonder you can walk." B-

Thia Tequila Megia - Out Here on My Own by Irene Cara: Wow, just wow. Are you effin' kidding me? 15 years old and THIS. WAS. AWESOME. Started with a ghostly acapella that erupted into full blown perfection. It was brave and could have backfired in a big way, but she blew the doors off this performance. A

Lorne Michaels Alaina - Turn on the Radio by Reba McEntire: Good rockin' country song. Very good for a 16 year old, but I know she can do better. I bet she can sing this in her sleep. It was a little safe for me for her. Lorne has received a lot of airplay, so she may be "the anointed one" like in every other season. She will have to pull all stops. B+

Pia Tabasco - I'll Stand by You by The Pretenders: Great song, great hair. She sung pretty decent overall, but smoked it in the end (in a good way). I mentioned her as a fave with Karen and she didn't disappoint. A-

So there ya have it... I would say that the girls did about as well as the guys. I actually thought they should have done much better, but Julio and Zebrafeeder exercised poor decision-making skills by picking facepalm-inducing song choices.

Rankings for Girls:

Thia Tequila
Karen Rodriquez
Pia Tuscodero
Lauren Turner
Lauren Alaina
Naima Roboto
Ashton Kutcher Jones
Kendra Chandelier
Haley Rhinestone
Julio Gorilla
Tarantula Wilson
Rachel Zebeneezer

For the Top 5, I am going to go with that same top five as listed above, and for the #6 Wildcard, I will predict last place Rachel or Naima Roboto get in. The show NEEDS a quirky girl like Rachel and the judges know it. Chalk it up to an off-night.

And lastly I'd like to thank Randy for keepin' it real. WOOF WOOF

OUT

Sap, Crap and Roll

2011-03-01T22:31:00.000-08:00

We are going LIVE folks. No more bullcrap editing and hiding behind commercials and promos. It's time to be exposed for the contenders and pretenders that they are. It's the TOP TWELVE boys so let the whacking and packing commence!

By the way, when I say "whacking", I mean cutting, like "cut from the show..." ok never mind.

In any event, like any other intro to the show, Seakrust has to show us how cool the new stage setup is. Thanks Ryan. It looks remarkably the same as last season, and the season before, and so on. But enough about that peanut head. Not wasting any time, it's time to bring out the competition.

First up is...

June Cleaver Gamboni - Superstition by Stevie Wonder: First of all, this is another song that has been done to death... Please retire it. Googly eyed McGoo gets up there and looks like a Karaoke star on PCP and HGH. He is flapping all over the place like a chicken with aviator goggles. Vocally, it's not horrible, but then again, this guy is on my sh*t list. B

Jovanny Musk Soprano - I'll Be by I have no effin idea: Shipbuilder/Lawyer/Mobster/Accountant picks a great song to get into the next level. A sucky, slow song that no one knows. Nice pick Gilligan. See ya on the dock Luigi! Lips and J-LOWW had it wrong and thankfully Randy pulled them out of the dark by saying what everyone else was thinking. D

Jordan Dorksy - OMG by Usher - This was utterly unlistenable and stunk up the whole stage. This song and performance reached new heights of suck-ness and I couldn't be happier. See ya @sshat! Jordan was the guy that thought he was better than everyone else, and he gets my lowest score of the night and a ticket home. F

NOTE: If you remember my last article, I had as my villains the first three performers last night, and IN ORDER. Back to the guys...

Tim Scalperin Halperin - Come on Over? by I have no freakin clue: C'mon Tim, what the F are you doing man? Tim may have blown his chance by choosing an unknown song that doesn't really even highlight his talents. WASTE! Very disappointing considering he was a fave after Hollywood week. He sang well, but totally forgettable. Meh... C

Brute "Tonight let it be" Lowenstern - Light My Fire by The Doors: Our little mighty red apple is the little choochoo that could. It started out a little weak and fragile like him, but he got into the groove and finished strong like OAK. Love the intonations too.... Light my Fi-YAHHH! Yah you little good luck troll! B

The artist formerly known as Lambert 2.0, James Homerun Durbin - Another Thing Comin by Judas Priest: Holy sh*t, a Priest song on American Idol... I never thought I'd see the day! I am a HUGE Priest fan and have seen them live a zillion times and have all their cds. Rob Halford is an incredible vocalist, and Durbin did him proud. AWESOME, just AWESOME! Yes I'm a metalhead and damn proud of it! :) A

Rowdy Robby Rosen, AKA Kevin Myers, AKA Thomas Ian Nicholas from American Pie - Angel by Sara McLaughlin: Sorry american pie guy, Tara Reid is a HO but this is just weak sauce on top of cream of weak. It was as if a keebler elf was yodeling and whining simultaneously. Thankfully Randy had it right again. Randy is keeping the other two judges in check, because they have been off on a couple so far. C-

Scott McHowdyDoody - Letter From Home by country/western guy: Yah he looks like Howdy Doody and Opie from Andy Griffith. But the voice is great for country, which I am not a fan of, but his range is incredible. If he ever does Johnny Cash, I will be pleased--now that's real country! I hated the song, but he nailed it... B+

Stefano's Pizzeria Langone - Just the Way You Are by Billy Goat: Is this Stefano, or Joey from Friends? I can't tell them apart to be honest. Another sappy ballad to get the crowd buzzing. Well it wasn't for me, but at least it was unique, unlike Jovanny Musk. I think he sounds a lot like Bearhair David Archuleta--almost identical to be honest. It's just aight... B-

RuPaul McDonald - Maggie May by Rod Stewart: Great song choice and it suited his voice to a T... RuPaul has great tone and wonderful rasp and the berries to sing a Rod Stewart song. Not only that, but this guy has a wonderful grin and his teeth are like peppermint chiclets. My only criticism was of that concierge jacket he had on... what up with that??? A-

Jacob's Ladder Luskmelon - A House is Not a Home by Luther Vandross: Smooth as mayonnaise, but tons of range and hitting all kinds of hard to reach notes. No denying this man has incredible talent. What's going to keep him from going on is song choice and dipping into the well of "over-singing" too often. It will be interesting to follow this dude. A

Casey Honest Abrams - Put a Spell on You by CCR: First of all, Casey is lucky to be there, as he was hospitalized with stomach "issues." Putting this guy last was genius. You know he's going to bring something crazy and unique, but performed well too. His snarling rendition of this song was performed with wolf-like tenacity. Ok, I made that up, but wolves are probably fairly tenacious, right??? His facial tics and growls just put icing on the cake. A

Rankings

James Durbin
Casey Abrams
Jacob Lusk
Paul McDonald
Scotty McHowdy
Bret Lowenstern
Stefano Langone
Jun Cleaver Gambone
Tim Halperin
Robby Rosen
Jovanny Shipwreck
Jordan Dorksy

So I guess only 5 get voted through and one get called back as a wildcard. Here is my prediction:

My Top 5 as listed above... AND, AND, AND...... Tim Halperin. Tim needs all the Halp he can get. Honestly, he hosed himself last night, but I think the judges will give him another shot.

Tonight the ladies are going to blow the doors off the HOUSE!!!

OUT

Tears, Steers and Adam Lambert 2.0

2011-02-24T21:41:00.000-08:00

The Top 24 have been chosen so let the games begin! Both two hour shows were very well done, especially the first night. I believe this is the first season that we got to see this much behind the scenes shenanigans. From that mean old wicked vocal coach to perpetual town cryer Allison's absurd wedding. However, the meat and potatoes of the show was in the last ditch solo performances to give them one final opportunity to show the judges who's best (in an airplane hangar of all places). Then the long and winding walk, which looked like it was about two football field lengths.

I gotta say, I've been pleasantly surprised by the show, as I was pretty close to wringing my hands and snorting "harumphhh" to it last season. Steven Tyler is a fresh of breath air and vice versa. Jenny "down the block" has been sincere and emotionally vested in the performers. Even the old DAWG himself seems to have something other than "it's just aight for me" to say. Let's face it, the chemistry between the judges (and SeaKrust) last season was absent, and yet filled with malice. Cowell was mailing in his efforts and his criticisms were ill-tempered and flaccid. Once the live shows began, Ellen UnGenerous was like a deer in headlice. Kara just wanted to flirt with Casey, and Jackson was just a Jackass.

So here we go with a fresh new season, fresh judges and fresh ingredients. Papa John's Idol! I digest. Everything about the show is better. The performers, collectively, even the 15 yr olds, are oodles better than ghosts of seasons' past. I already mentioned the judges--nuff said. Seakrust's head seems to be getting smaller, or perhaps some of the chowder in his head has left his cranium.

Enough about the production, what about the talent? Gobs of it, let's just hope the right ones go through week to week. This is another area that had me itchin' to cut the ties to the show the last few seasons. This idea of vote for the worst is ludicrous, but has enough momentum to actually impact the results. The producers need to take that foolishness serious and do something about the voting. That said, from what I can tell, the top 24 are solid, not a weak one in the bunch. There were many cuts that didn't seem to make any sense, but when you look at the 24, what can ya do?

Once they start performing live, we'll see how they do on TV, in front of millions. We'll also see about those song choices, which have historically haunted many a contender. The ability to perform live, pick good songs and make them original will again be the lifeline to the next week.

So who's got what it takes to finish strong? I got some ideas, I got favorites (for now)... I admit sometimes I latch on to one too early, and they end up sucking or pissing me off. This season, I think a girl is going to win it. There are so many standouts. Julie Zorilla (the gal from South America with awesome shoes) has the look and the sound to be the next Carrie Underwood (without the country twang). She did the piano duet for Beatles night with Tim Halperin. Karen Rodriquez and Pia Toscano (they did the Can't Buy Me Love duet) look and sound like seasoned professionals already.

The guys are a mixed bag of nuts, but my fave has to be... CASEY ABRAMS! Yes, the standup-bass-playin, mop-headed guy who looks like a cross between Seth Rogan and Cookie Monster. He's a nut like Graylor Hicks with a voice like David Cook. Then there's Lambert 2.0 James Durbin with insane range. Tim Halperin, the guy I mentioned doing the piano duet above, and King of Beards Paul McDonald are also contenders.

I've already picked my goatskis for this season. The Goatski is the person or people that for some reason, I want to see fail. This season it is Karoake Clint June Cleaver Gamboa. Maybe it's the designer glasses that look like 1920s aviator goggles, or his snobbery towards stout little JC . Also among this list is Jersey Shore reject and Shipbuilder Jovanny Barreto. His ego is bigger than Snooki's hair. Am I watching Idol or the Sopranos? And finally, Jordan Dorsey. His overconfidence and delusions of grandeur put him in with the other blowhards who left early. Not one Idol winner has ever been over-the-top egotistical. They have all started with humble beginnings and I don't see that changing anytime soon.

As the shows were finishing up this week, I can't help feeling a little verglempt about the Chris Medina story. This is the guy who has remained committed to his wheelchair-bound fiance through thick and thin. It was tough on the judges to say NO, especially JelLO who was an emotional wreck. Something tells me that this guy is going to end up okay.

Another season of Idol is upon us, and I gotta start making up nicknames, so my work is cut out for me as you see the list of contenders below... Saddle up for a fun ride!

WOMEN

1.Naima Adedapo
2.Lauren Alaina
3.Kendra Campbell
4.Ashthon Jones
5.Thia Megia
6.Haley Reinhart
7.Karen Rodriguez
8.Pia Toscano
9.Lauren Turner
10.Tatynisa Wilson
11.Rachel Zevita
12.Julie Zorilla

MEN

1.Casey Abrams
2.Jovany Barreto
3.Jordan Dorsey
4.James Durbin
5.Clint Jun Gamboa
6.Tim Halperin
7.Stefano Langone
8.Brett Loewenstern
9.Jacob Lusk
10.Scotty McCreery
11.Paul McDonald
12.Robbie Rosen

OUT

Breakin’ the Chains

2011-02-08T14:51:00.000-08:00

A few months ago, the local paper ran a series of stories about the state of locally owned restaurants in Cedar Rapids. With the downtown area being a ghost of its former self, the threat was imminent that locally owned restaurants were in danger of closing down. The lack of traffic and advertising crunches put these businesses at serious risk.

However, the articles also chimed in on how the national chain restaurants were thriving and continuing to do good business. Was this due to the economies of scale, in which product was purchased for cheap in throngs? Was it because most chains have prime locations and national advertising dollars to market the business? Or is it because the food and service are actually superior?

I have been to most chain and local restaurants in the Cedar Rapids area and I can say that my experiences have been all over the map in each venue. There are chains I will not set foot in, and there are local restaurants that have lost my interest as well. I consider only two criteria when I ask myself, “Would I go back to this place?”

Food and Service

Simple as that, really. If a restaurant consistently serves a quality product that tastes great and is prepared as the customer expects, that restaurant will keep customers and gain new ones. That is, provided that the SERVICE that goes along with it is better than average. Most chains have decent food at decent prices, and sometimes, their service is pretty darn good. There are some chains, however, that have horrible service, despite their delusions in thinking they offer a “WOW” experience.

For a local restaurant owner to thrive, they must embrace the highest quality service possible and instill this into each person on staff. From the Assistant Manager to the busboy. Complacency will lose you more customers than you can imagine as bad word of mouth far exceeds good. It is very difficult to rebound in this poisoned environment as advertising dollars just aren’t in the cards.

The bottom line is that I believe local residents would LOVE to support local restaurants and would do so enthusiastically if their experiences were consistently a cut above the chains. I will pay an extra few dollars for a real “wow” experience and not some gimmicky, commercialized funhouse with average food and servers that would rather be on smoke break then serve customers.

For local businesses to thrive, we all have to do our part. If you give us a reason to come, we will be there.

The Big Ten – Legends and Losers

2011-02-07T23:31:00.000-08:00

2010 was a landmark year for football in the Big Ten. Not only did the Big Ten seduce the big red corn machine Nebraska to join the conference, but also decided to add a new look complete with gimmicky conference names. The abrupt and premature monikers for the conference were “Legends” and “Leaders.” The names were universally panned by fans and critics alike. Recent polls that came out after the fact told the story: 90% Disapproval.

Now I don’t claim to be a marketing guru, but shouldn’t some research have been done prior to boldly claiming what the conference names are going to be? Too late, and the only damage control to be done is to stick your tail between your legs, admit the mistake and do it over. In this case, that is what Big Ten commissioner Jim Delany is planning on doing.

Perhaps Jim should also look into firing the marketing firm that came up with the new Big Ten logo as well. It says “Big Ten” in the colors of white and sky blue. Wow. I’m sure some serious creativity was afoot in those offices. I’m sure the millions spent on the marketing firm went to good use as some intern spent 30 seconds whipping that bad boy up.

Creative and marketing blunders aside, the Big Ten can still boast a superior product on the field, right? I mean having eight out of 11 teams make bowl games this season is an amazing feat, isn’t it? Not when only one out of the top five Big Ten teams wins. The Ohio State University saved what would have been a colossal conference flopfest as it won its game vs. Arkansas.

Wisconsin, who bullied and badgered its way to the top of the conference and a Rose Bowl berth caved in when punched in the mouth by TCU. Michigan lost by 38 points to a Mississippi State team that barely scored 38 points all season. And a one-loss Michigan State team took it in the shorts and lost by 42 points to Alabama (that’s six touchdowns, folks).

The Big Ten went OH for FIVE on New Year’s Day and the left the league’s reputation in tatters again, even after last year’s strong showing. No amount of marketing is going to fix this, other than “just win, baby.”

The Big Ten needs to step up its efforts carefully in establishing a new image this next season. Not only in marketing its brand, but in how the teams handle the opposition in Bowl games. Because at the end of the day, the bowls are what you are playing for.

Dude Sounds Like a Lady

2010-03-03T16:20:00.000-08:00

It's Ladies Night part 2 tonight, and wait a freakin minute... Butterteeth got sick and had to go to the hospital and so the guys are swapping nights with them! I wonder what happened to Crystal Bowersox that required hospitalization, perhaps one of her hemp braids got caught in the sinkerator?

So here we go with the guys--let's hope they account for themselves better than last week's debacle. I see that Ellen has switched positions with the Count of Pitchiness. That is good since Ellen needs help identifying good from bad.

Without further ado, lets' gettyon!

Mikey "Big Dump" Lynche - Man's World: Don't make Mikey mad, you wouldn't like Mikey when he's mad... The incredible Bulk starts off the show right by improving on his performance from last week--Could this be the men's night??? Good start. A- BTW, he was curling Aaron Kelly like he was a blow up doll.

John Trailer Park - Gravity: Nice shirt, did Simon lend that to you? Look here, captain Gleeclub, it’s STILL about song choice and you EPIC failed again. Another boring snoozer of a song, it was quite ungood. D

Casey James Kasem - I Don't Want to Be: Taking on a song that everyone and their dog has done is a risky proposal. However, he shred on the electric twanger and sang the song capably. Not great, but better than expected. Kara went out of her way to distance herself from beefboy by going over the top with her criticism. B+

Alex Sacrificial Lambert - Everybody Knows: Great song choice and if it wasn't for some nerves, it would have been gee whiz terrific. Quit hiding behind that mullet and come out of that shell, boy! I kind of like the cut of this kid's jib... B

Fraud-rick Hall - What's Love Got to Do with it: Ugh, ugh, ugh... Hideous rendition of this worn-out Tina Turner unclassic. What is he thinking, folks? He is not understanding what the judges are looking for, but it aint him! C-

Chowmaine Sellers - What's Goin On: Here's what's goin on. 1. You look like Ed Grimley with your fro-paux and bowtie. 2. Your singing consists of a merciless non-stop assault of jibberish. He has more runs than an ExLax convention bathroom. This guy needs to leave NOW. D-

Blandrew Garcia - You Give Me Something: What the EFF happened to this guy? He was one of my early favorites and he has already hit the wall at week 2??? I am horribly disappointed here. He needs to pull his head, complete with Harry Carry's glasses out his rear and sing something cool and interesting like he used to. C

Enron Kelli - My Girl: My Girl, my schmirrl... Hey, way to stay current there, eyebrow wax! Cute kid, and easily curlable (ask big Mike). However, his vibrato was laced with traces of goat, OR he was singing while sitting on a giant washing machine. But he's cute, so he's safe. D+

Tim Urban Renewal - Come on Get Higher: He came back improved from the humiliating performance he gave last week and somehow he got on Simon's good side. I still thought it was like musical oatmeal, but he may squeak by again. C

Lee Dungarees Duweez - Lips of an Angel: This guy has a great voice, ready for rock radio, but he needs to work on some pitch problems. Still, the raw talent is there and so far, he is picking the best songs for his voice. Nice job tough guy! A-

So it looks like only two good performances bookshelfing eight mediocre ones. This one should be easy to rank:

1. Mikey Lynche

2. Lee Dungeness

3. Casey Kasem

4. Alex Lambchop

5. Blandrew Garcia

6. Tim Urbana

7. Fraudrick Hall

8. Enron Kelly

9. John Gorky Park

10. Chowmaine Sellers

In my mind, this should be an easy booting of both John and Chowmaine. They were both in my bottom groupings last week, so freakin' get rid of them already!!! If America surprises us by keeping one of them, it will probably be at the expense of Tim Sub-Urban.

Stay tuned for tonight's chicktastic night of screeches and bad song decisions!

OUT

GRRRRL Power Chords

2010-02-24T16:48:00.000-08:00

It’s time to dust off the Idol poison pen and go to work for 2010. Ladies and gents, I present your Ladies Top 12!!! (Applause)

Hey, where’s Norman Gentle? This year’s auditions went sans the corny, not to be taken seriously characters. What’s up with that? Who will be this season’s Stunjaya, Chicken Sh*t Little and abNorman Gentle? Well at least we have another season where at least one contestant’s teeth leave something to be desired (I’ll get that later).

Let’s begin… First of all, the way the judges are seated is all wrong. It should be Dawg, Kara, Ellen Degenerate and Simon. BTW, was Ellen on some kind of ecstacy drug? She was WAY too nice about some of these performances. At least Simon went last most of the time, which is the right thing to do.

In any event, Billboard night, pretty much pick any damn song out there:

1. Paige Smiles – All Wrong Now: She was ok, but I hated this song for her. I tried singing this song at drunken karaoke one night and I sucked, but then again, I sung this song at karaoke… Nuff said. B-

2. Ashtray Rodriguez – Happy: This song didn’t make me. Again, it was just average, not terrible. This song and performance was forgettable, and in fact, I already forgot about it. C+

3. Janelle Squealer – What About Love: More like “what about stop”, as in stop killing my ears. The song was clearly out of her league and it kicked her @ss. D-

4. Tiger Lilly Scott – Fixing a Hole: The silver-haired folk singer is an early favorite of mine. She didn’t disappoint, as she picked a song that has never been done (and probably never will again) and made it original. Just outstanding. A

5. Gatlin’ Epperly – Oh Darling: our own Dez Moinez goldi-lox gal did a pretty good job and proved that she belongs. Second best performance so far. B+

6. Jackie Earle Haley Vaughn – I wanna hold your Hand: More like I wanna hold my head due to that horrific screeching. She tore this song a new @sshole and probably tore a hole in the space time continuum. F

7. Lacey Underalls Brown – Landslide: I was so rooting for this girl to do well, and she disappointed. The song, which is a good one, fell flat. She may be going home, which is too bad cuz she got mad potential. C-

8. My Shell Delamore – Falling: I wouldn’t have guessed that this girl is trying out for Idol. Talk about a polished and near-perfect performance. It was so flawless, it sounded lip-synched. A

9. ACDC Benami – The Way I Am: This the way Megan Caw! Caw! Corkery should have sounded last season if she had any talent. I think she can pull this off, but her nerves jangled it a little. Good, but kind of sloppy. B-

10. Syllabus Magnus Opus – Wicked Games: Some may disagree, but I thought this was brilliant. Lower register, crystal clear, power chords – check. High notes – check. Song was original, haunting, mystical. I was rather disappointed that she received criticism for this. Wasn’t this Adam Lambert’s recipe for success? A

11. Crystal Meth Butterteeth – Hand in my Pocket: I think the butter in the teeth got the creststrip treatment. It’s hard for me to criticize someone with this talent, but then again, I called Elliot Yamin “snaggletooth” all season long. Anyway, it was pretty decent—she is such a well-rounded musician/singer. She will go far. BTW, she did a good job on the song. A-

12. K. T. Stevens – Feeling Good: I hate this song, especially when kids sing it. I agree with the judges on this. She is talented, but pick better songs, for the love of all things holy!! This was bland and forgettable. C-

Ok, so here we are. This is supposed to be the year of the girl—we will see after tonight’s all doofus show. Personally, my early faves are Tiger Lily, My Shell DelAmore and Syllabus Magnus. Who will get the boot tomorrow??? This early in the competition, is it a talent show, or a popularity contest???

Rankings for the week:

Syllabus Magnus

MyShell DelAmore

Tiger Lily Scott

Crystal Creststrip

Gattlin Epperly

AcDc Benami

Ashtray Rodrigez

Paige Smiles

Lacey Underalls

KT Stevens

Jackie Earle Haley Vaughn

Janelle Squealer

Who is getting the boot??? Even though she wasn’t that bad, I can see Lacey going, but it should be Janelle and Jackie!!! They were both horrendous!

Stay tuned for Tool Academy tonight, oops I mean the men get to sing.

OUT

Hoe-down in Motown

2009-03-26T17:07:00.001-07:00

Welcome to Idol Motown version #8. As much as I respect the Motown tradition, I grow tired and weak by constantly hearing the same songs every season and once again, I had to hear the forking song “Heatwave” for the 9000th time. If Idol has another “Latin Night” featuring Gloria Estefan, I am going to saw off my head and mail it to the producers. How many of you are willing to bet that “Turn the Beat Around” will not be sung this season?

In any event, they stretched an hour long show into 2 hours again last night. Why? You might ask… Well the first thing that pops into my head is because that strung-out dingbat Paula AbDUH won’t shut her piehole after each performance. She has to ramble endlessly with her horrid grammar and jagged sentence fragments that have no beginning or end. It is like being stuck in Satan’s Speech Class 666: She is an idiot, gets dumber every season, and her remarks have no critical merit.

The other thing I am going to rant about is why the f*ck was Allison in the bottom 3 last week??? Are people that dumb, deaf, moronic? In my opinion, (and go back to see my past emails), she has been at the top of this dubious food chain of talent (along with Adam) for the whole season. She was bottom 3? Are you forking kidding me? She did worse than Megan the glass-gargling Joy Caw-Cawkery? I think NOT.

Enough on the rant—here are my thoughts about last night’s performances:

1. Matty Geritol: Let’s Get it On. Piano Man #1 was actually in his element. If he didn’t perform well on this night, he aint ever gonna get it done. He put himself back in the competition, but will have his work cut out for him. Grade: B+ and safe

2. Ruth Kris Allen: How Sweet it is. Has evolved into a contender and didn’t do anything to hurt his chances, EXCEPT wearing that bizarre nazi-looking military shirt with all the weird numbers on the shoulders. Did he get that shirt at The House of Hitler? I kid, the little punk did well. Grade: B+ and safe

3. Spot McInDingus: You Can’t Hurry Love. Piano Man #2 was just that…. A big #2. This song was pure feces to the ears. It was nothing less than Karoake at an all you can eat truck stop. I’ll give him props for the pink pants though… Grade: D- and NOT safe

4. Meg Joy Cork Ring: For Once in My Life. Her voice is like a thousand creaky doors, splitting my ears into shards of tortured flesh and cartilage. Her dance moves and choreography remind me of monkeys and footballs. She quite frankly has no business being here anymore. Grade: D and NOT safe

5. Ally Noop Poop Galoop: Ooh Baby Baby. It’s embarrassing enough to type that, but to sing it? This song was beyond sappy and ridiculous. It reminded me of a horrible skating party, and trying to escape to the locker room so you don’t have to slow-skate with some girl you hate. He sung it ok, but who the hell wants to listen to this sludge? Grade: B-, Probably safe

6. Oilcan Sarver Hawkeye Arena: Aint too Proud to Beg. And I would like to beg the country to not vote for him, because this was sonic vomit. I was immediately put off by the silly smiling and posturing for the camera when they told him the song was serious. Time to leave, Shrek! In addition, this was another song that is done multiple times every season—good riddance. Grade: D- and NOT safe

7. Little Rectangles: Heatwave. Ugh… This was just god awful, especially for her. She should have been kicking everyone’s @ss tonight, and she comes up with this dreck? Bad song, bad performance and I’m starting to think she’s overrated. Sloesha Mercado from last year would have mopped the floor with Little Squares. It was too hurried and she was screaming for most of it. Grade D+, but safe

8. Adam STUDbert: Tracks of My Tears… to all you Adam-haters out there---TAKE IT, TAKE IT!!! I think he cemented himself as the #1 guy to beat with this finely crafted and artful rendition of Smokey Robinson. Enough to get Smokey to give him a standing O. Love him or hate him, to deny that this was his night is just foolish. Grade: A, and safe by a mile. BTW, the new look will get him more votes, guaranteed.

9. Danni Goatski: Get Ready. Yes, for disappointment. Danny is the spawn of Taylor Hicks and Sally Jesse Raphael. He’s got Taylor’s voice and Sally’s 4000 pairs of Cyclops glasses. Another early favorite (like Lil) who is sputtering with over-used and tired songs. Another subpar performance next week, and he will be the 4th best male left. Grade: C-, and safe (and an F for his dorky dancing)

10. Allison Ireallyhateya: Papa Was a Rolling Stone. Farking brilliant and further solidified my position that she is the singer to beat on this show. In an effort to battle collective stupidity, I picked up the phone and voted 10 times. She deserves it. This song HAS been done on the show before, but never like this. She kicked total a$$ and served notice that she will take you down and stomp the living sh*t out of you. Grade: A+ and she BETTER be safe.

IN sum, my two rockers put themselves at the top by bringing originality and oomph to their performances. The 2 early faves (Goatski and Rounds) were extremely disappointing, while Matt brought his game up. Kris is solid and Apoop is boring. The bottom 3 were clear as day and should be:

Citizen Cane and Unable, AKA Scott and Sarver. And of course that caw-caw kook, Megan “glass-gargler” Joy.

Ratings:

Allison Asskicker
Adam Lambert and ernie
Matt Garage opener
Kris Allen wrench
Danni Goatskin
Apoop Dezi
Little Circles
Megan Corky
Oilcan Saver
Citizen Cane

The bottom 3 should be what I have and any one of those 3 leaving would be fine by me. Preferably one of the guys so we can continue to laugh at Megan’s dancing with the Bizarres.

OUT

Grand Old Harpy

2009-03-18T15:56:00.001-07:00

Welcome to another rendition of Rednecks on parade. Two full hours of cooked up country conundrums. Personally, I’d rather listen to Dental tools grind into my teeth. No offense country fans! Just my opinion, and you know what those are like.

Let’s start things off with those ridiculous introductions of Seacrust and the judges. Who cares? We know who they are—why do they have to resort to doing what the inferior “America’s Got Talent” does? I see Simon Scowl has his trademark v-neck t-shirt from Walgreens again. Very classy.

Randy Travis is our mentor this week. Randy has great teeth and cool hair. And he doesn’t wear a string tie, so he’s got that going for him. But enough about this stringbean….on to the singers!

Michal Sarvin’ Artist: When a dude is drowned out by some doofus with a harmonica, it’s time to call it day. This Garth Brooks song (done by former Idol contestants much better) was both monotone and redundant. His voice had the sonic equivalent of a flatline. I think Sarvin artist AND the harmonica guy should leave now. Not safe.

Alice Inchains: I really liked this and she brought her rock and roll sensibilities to the table. For a 16 yr old, she is phenomenal. This Patti Lovelace song was one of the best of the night and ready for the radio (rock, not country!). I hope she is safe—she should be, but who knows…

Ruth Kris Allen: First of all, I hate ballads (as you know), and secondly I hate country, so it was like removing fingernails with pliers to listen to this song. I will give Kris credit though… he was technically brilliant. There, I said it. I feel better now. Easily safe this week.

Little Debbie Fudge Rounds: New look this week---are they trying to make Fantasia II? Gawd I hope not. Clearly, she held back at the beginning of this song, but then belted it out towards the end—the judges called it just right. Except Paula. She is beyond broken. Her incomprehensible gobbledygook is causing my brain to hemorrhage.

Atom Bomb Glambert: WTF??? That is all I could say about this mideastern/psychedelic version of Ring of Fire. However, I say WTF in a GOOD way. I had to rewind this and listen to it again, and after the 2nd time, I loved it. In my opinion, this was the most unique and polarizing performance in Idol history. Randy said it best—it’s fresh, it’s current, it’s young. Unfortunately, the other half of the audience is scratching their heads in confusion. Nine Inch Nails is SAFE!

Scotch McFlattire: Citizen Cane (LOL, I cannot take credit for the name—thanks LMB!) used to be an encouraging beacon of light. Now, his is just a Bruce Boresby clone. AGAIN. There was no difference in either the singing or piano playing from last week to this week. This performance was as bland as a uncooked tofu. Officially, I am bored out of my mind. Time to go I hope, but I wish him well.

A Lexus Chasey Lane: Little miss pornst@r toned down the dirt, but that dingbat Kara DiStupido told her to get filthy again, so we can expect Lexus’ inner wh0re to show up next week (if she makes it). Her husband and child will not recognize her when she comes back home, IF she ever does go back. Enough about this tragedy, now the music… It was pretty good, except her high parts were not in tune, or as the Dawg likes to say, “pitchy.” She is not as safe as she used to be.

Daniel Goat-ski: Nice winter coat in LA there Dani--what the he11 was he thinking? It looked like a quilted straitjacket for escaped Eskimos. Song-wise, it was a weird choice, but he pulled it off. It started a little slow, but he built it up and finished strong. I still can’t get over that ridiculous white coat. Safe, of course (he is the anointed one, afterall) Once again (and again) Paula’s comments border on mental leprosy. She has yet to put together a coherent sentence this season. Worse than last week.

Assnoop DDDawg: Mr. Unibrow put himself back into the competition by singing a slow, country ballad. Yawn…. Like Ruth Kris, it was technically sound and he did a good job. Just not my thing. Eventually, these balladeers will cancel each other out, thankfully. Apoop is safe at last!

Megawatt KillJoy: Cough, cough… way to milk the flu storyline at the end there Megs. I kid of course—I’m sure she really was coughing. Although, this was better than last week’s debacle, it was still a mess. There were times I heard goats baaaaahing during that song. I think she may be in trouble this week.

Flat Giraud: Not sure what all the fuss was from the judges, but it would appear that he is the Annointed #2. Another bland, forgetful piano-based song, and it even sounded like he forgot some words at the beginning. Good finish on the song though, and yet, I don’t care. Girfraud and Citizen Cane will eventually cancel each other out, thankfully. He’s safe, but Scotty is McNotty.

Ratings for Redneck Week:

1. Alice Inchains
2. Atom Bomb Glambert
3. Ruth Kris Allen
4. Dani Goat-ski (jacket)
5. Apoop Dawg
6. Little Circles
7. Flat Giraud
8. AleXXXis Grace
9. Megawatt Killjoy
10. Michael Sarvin Artist
11. Citizen Cane

Who is going home? I think that either Sarver and Scotty should go, but don’t count out Megan and AleXXXis to get the boot either! Some people will barbecue my @ss in molasses for my placing Glambert so high, but he gets an A+ for unique and an A+ for creativity. I will, however, give him a D on his fingernail polish.

OUT

No Love for the Metal Glove

2009-03-12T16:54:00.000-07:00

Last night’s Idol extravaganza was Whacko Jacko night, featuring songs from the Artist Formerly Known as the King of Pop. Now he is just the Prince of Plastic, as in surgery. I don’t care how many Thriller albums he sold, just keep him away from Day Care Centers and McCauley Culkin’s house.

At any rate, we have two full hours of this, so buckle up for the long ride—we’re going to Never-Neverland (should be Never-Againland).

The show is annoying right off the bat, as Seacrust and the judges are introduced by Voiceover guy, then they go on to pat themselves on the back about how cool the set and stage is—whoopdy frickin doo.

Ok, on to the singers!

1. Lil Squares Hudson: It was just aight with me—nothing special, but it was a solid performance. She reminds me of Jennifer Hudson. I agree with Simon that her outfit was dreadful. She should sue the stylists for indecent exposure. She’ll go through.

2. Scott McGarfunkel: The hair is particularly curly – where is Paul Simon? I thought Scotty played the piano quite nicely, but what the he11 song was that? This isn’t freaking Boring Bruce Hornsby and the Radar Range night! Horrible song choice, performed adequately. That’s all I got… Afro-turf will make it to next week.

3. Dannie Hokey Pokey Gokey: Nice dancing there, Specs! You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out, shake it all about, blah, blah, blah. Danny did the Gokey Pokey and sang PYT, which is a song about baby-sitting. He did alright, unless you are tripped out Paula who all but guaranteed a trip to the Finals—get over it Prozac princess! Taylor Hicks, I mean Danny goes through—duh.

4. Mikey Pennzoil Sarver: Another boring and useless ballad that no one has heard of. This is turning into a long night. This performance inspired me to yawn multiple times. I think I tore a muscle in my jaw. This was just plain useless elevator music. He is NOT safe.

5. Jazzy Murray: Jazz picked a song that had me wanting for more. More commercials that is. I am honestly waiting for death as I am put through another excruciating Wacko song. She sang it just ok, again. Some of these songs would be better if someone stepped up to the plate and knocked it out, but these performances are so mundane! Not sure if she is safe—probably not.

6. Krisp Allan: The most polite and vanilla out of the bunch. But at least he can play an instrument, right? Wrong. He should not have played that guitar for this song—it was distracting and out of tune. Vocally, he is good, I think—he11, I can’t remember. He is on the bubble this week.

7. Alice in IwoJima: The young plum-headed rocker chick laid down notice to the rest of the singers that she will kick their mellow, wussy little @sses. To me, and this is just my opinion, this is the first song to get me to raise my eyelids without the use of clothespins. It rocked, it was unique and it was hers. Good job (finally). She should be safe, but who knows.

8. Apoop Destroy: Apoop Dog absolutely destroyed “Beat It”. Weird Al Yankovic’s version was 100 times better. I agree with the judges—this was nothing more than expensive karaoke. Picking this song to cover in Idol is like picking which bridge to jump off. Apoop is in trouble, but may be popular enough to stick around.

9. Bore-hay Nunez: “No, no, no!” No, no, no!” That is all I can remember from this horrible cruise ship song. This song choice may doom Poor-hay back to Port of Richard where he will become a star. Aint happenin here though. Ugh, this was really bad. I kept thinking what a disaster this night has been so far. He is probably gone.

10. Megan Ode to Joy Corky: Ok, I’m gonna say it… OVERRATED! She has been less than stellar ever since her fist audition! How many 2nd and 3rd chances does she get? I get that she’s pretty and is a single mom. Fact is, she is an average singer and a horrible dancer. Her stage moves are the worst I’ve seen since John Stevens. The judges need to stop stroking her as a total package—it aint good people! Probably safe, but I hope not. Rockin Robin, INDEED.

11. Adam Glambert: Holy sh*t, somebody that actually gets it! This performance had me alert, awake, entertained and energized. Thank you Glambert! I don’t care that you have eye makeup—that rocked! I said he had ridiculous range and he proved it again. Again, he reminds me of young Axl Rose. By FAR, the best of the night. SAFE!

12. Matt Gir-Fraud: Hey look, it’s Justin Timberfake Jr. Matt is a good piano player and a capable singer, but what a kick to the yams to have to sit through this torturous song after Glambert’s performance. Another sleepy, yawn-inducing ballad with goat-yodeling. We already have a piano-playing Bruce Hornsby wannabe—do we really need two? He’s probably safe cuz he looks like Sexypants Timberline.

13. Alexis Nexus: I really wish they would stop trying to make her look like a prostitute. Her singing was ok, not as good as in the past—she oversang Dirty Diana (the producers probably picked that song for her too). Due to the lack of strong females this season, she will cruise through to the next round.

Overall, the two hours of Michael Jackson karaoke was hard to stomach. Only one performance stood on its own, the rest are in my mental recycle bin. My brain and my patience were worn out by 13 straight Michael Jackson songs, most of which were real bowzers. Two of the guys did Michael Jackson as interpreted by boring Bruce Hornsby. Getting rid of two singers tonight will be a relief and a blessing.

By the way, I want Paula to quit the show now and go straight to rehab and do not collect $200. Her mind-numbing rambling is like getting your brain slapped with hot tar mops over and over again.

Ratings for Wacko Night:

1. Glambert
2. Allison Iwojima
3. Hokey Gokey
4. Lil Trapezoids
5. Alexis Nexus
6. Krispy Alan
7. Jazzy Murray
8. Scott Garfunkel
9. Matt Giraud DePardieu
10. Megan Corkscrew
11. Pennzoil Sarver
12. Horehound Nunez
13. Apoop Dawg

I think the two that should go home are Horehound and Apoop. Their song choices were atrocious and their performances were torturous. I also think Megan’s time is about up. Apoop may get a stay of execution cuz he has a lot of Shitjaya fans voting for him. They could actually eliminate about 8 because I think there are only about five serious contenders left. Thoughts?

OUT

I Guess That's Why they Call it the Snooze

2009-03-12T16:48:00.000-07:00

It’s hard to believe that this is what the American Idol people could put together for a Top 36. I’ve seen firewood with more personality than last night’s show had to offer.

We are in danger of putting through 9 guys and only 3 girls to the top 12. How can this happen? It’s not that there’s some conspiracy against the female singers—it’s just that they are for the most part, crappy. And the guys were not that much better, especially last night’s group of mannequins. Hello, did Seacrotch put starch in their milkshakes? The song choices were atrocious and the show had no flow. With the exception of Lil Squares, you could replace the other 11 with a team of oompa loompas and get similar results.

Here ya go…

1. Von Helsing Smith: I hated this guy early on with his high pitched squelching and pompous vocal stylings. However, he took the judge’s advice and applied it. I thought it wasn’t half bad. However, it did remind me of Wham era George Michael—ugh! I don’t think he gets in tonight.

2. Trailer Varfegnugan: Hated the leather “paint-on” pants and the song did nothing for me. I don’t like this kind of music, and even less when the performance is duller than sawdust. See ya…

3. Alex Winger Tugboat III: First of all, he looks like a freakin squirrel. Not sure he really deserved to be here actually. His performance confirmed my suspicions that this @ssclown is not Idol material. I’d rather be stampeded by rabid antelope than have to listen to him sing again. His Jonny Horton growling was the equivalent to sonic cyanide. Worst performance of the season by far. Stunjaya is smiling somewhere.

4. Airy Anna Jafar: Blah, blah, blah. What a horrible song choice, picking ABBA—why??? What the he11 possesses these “kids” to pick songs that are going to kick them right in the groin and get them on the first train out of town. She should have sung “Take a Chance on Me”, then maybe the voters would have. Gone, baby gone.

5. Juno Alaska: I actually kind of liked this performance. Very memorable and relevant song, and he did it his way, and sung it well. Maybe a little safe, but a lot better than the first four yahoos. He has a shot to go through.

6. Krispin McNightmare: Remember her from getting verbally b*tchslapped in Hollywood? Yah, me neither. I actually thought she did ok, although that pink panther dress did her no favors. I think she would have the talent to move on, but picked a forgettable song. Where is the rock and roll??? Wildcard at best.

7. Nathanial Newton John: Nice costume, cruddy song choice. Simon Scowl was right—maybe he should be making the song choices for these people—they just don’t get it. It wasn’t horrible, but it will not get him to the next level. Say hello to Broadway, you little bawlbaby.

8. Militia Barton: She was invited back after that one chick got disqualified for being a cheater. I wish they would have just left it 11. Am I the only one watching that thought this was nails on chalkboard material? She over-sang it and infused shouting in places that made my ears cry. The judges are wrong on this one.

9. Scotch McEnroe: Finally a decent performance that didn’t make my head swell like a watermelon in heat. I’ve never been that sold on Scotch, but I think he did a great job here, and he will mostly likely go to the next lil round.

10. Kendall Moustache: Well hello Kelly Pickler Jr. Another cookie cutter cute blonde girl that sings country---YAWN…. Unfortunately for her, it was as dry and uninspiring as road salt. The only reason she would get voted through is her looks. See ya!

11. Whorehay Noonyez: Go ahead, take on a Clay Aiken staple Jorgie Porgie. It was actually pretty good, all things considered. I figured on hearing a Ricky Martin song, but Tony Shalhoub put in a staunch effort. Not sure he will get in, but it will be close!

12. Big Triangles: The money spot reserved for the best, as was in the last 2 weeks. Ok, I agree that she is probably a front-runner, but that song sucked for me. Not my kind of music at all—I just don’t get it. So I’ll cut her some slack this time, but I want to see some variety from her. She will no doubt go through as the lone female from this group.

Overall night was hugely disappointing. The only entertainment was squirrel boy knocking over the mic stand and making growling sounds during his audition. I will even go so far as to say that was the most outragrious (even more than Normal Gello’s) performance of the season. What a chowderhead.

I am at a loss for why there are so few GREAT singers and only about 2 or 3 that truly stand out so far. Perhaps the 4 judge format is not working?

Who the he11 are they going to pick for the wildcard 3? Honestly, will some ladies PLEASE show up???

Ratings for the night:

1. No one deserves the #1 spot—nobody blew me away
2. Scotch McEnroe
3. Juno Alaska
4. Medium Circles
5. Whorehay Noonyez
6. Von Helsing Smith
7. Krispin McNamirror
8. Nathanial Newton Headband
9. Kendall Moustache
10. Militia Barton
11. Trailer Varfegnugan
12. Airy Ann Jafar
13. This spot shall remain blank because the last place guy was that much worse than anybody else
14. Alex Winger Tugboat AKA “squirrel”

Final 3 should be Scotch, Rounds, and…….. I’ll say Juno or Whorehay. Once again 2 guys and 1 girl.

The wildcard round should be pretty competitive, and these people better realize their song choice is what’s gonna get them through! I’m thinking that someone from that wildcard round is going to blow the doors off the show and inject some much needed juice into this debacle.

OUT

Outta Tune and Outta Control

2009-03-12T16:44:00.000-07:00

This may have been one of the worst compilation of finalist performances since Season 3 (hello, Pen salesmen?) Not that these aren’t talented people. It’s the same ‘ol crap week in and week out. People are choosing the wrong damn songs. How many times do these people have to be told? I just want to take a whiffle ball bat and beat them about the face, head, chest and neck area until they acknowledge it! It would appear that this group of fools got together last week and drank some dumb-dumb sauce.

That being said, there were roughly 2.5 good performances and about 4 good song choices—ok, that’s enough math for one day.

Bring it on!

1. Jazzman Mooray: I would have figured her a finalist from the get-go, but this was pure crappola. What the he11 are you doing singing this song? It made me cringe and I was not expecting her to do this poorly. Not Top 3, but maybe a 2nd chance wildcard.

2. Matt Geritol: Again, I figured the drueling Piano guy was a shoo-in for the finals, but he turned my ears into pain sponges as he yodeled and did his best goat impersonation on Coldplay. DOH---what is wrong with you dude? He may be popular enough to crack the 3rd spot, or possibly a wildcard, but he needs to remove the doofus chip from his wiring.

3. Jeanine Drop Dead Legs: Enough about the damn legs already! I don’t remember her AT ALL during any of the show. And I doubt I will remember after last night either, with that pathetic Maroon 5 parody she did. It was so out of tune—she was in an alternate universe listening to Moron 6. As Hall and Oates once said, “She’s gone.”

4. Abnormal Gentle: What a goof—I love this guy—I don’t care if he isn’t the best singer—he is nuttier than a fruitcake, and fruitier than a nutcake. I don’t even know what song that was and I think he made up half the words anyway. Vocally, it wasn’t great. However, in light of the other flat and lame performances of the evening, he could have a chance. He is a winner regardless---there will be a lot of agents ready to sign him if he gets kicked off tonight.

5. Alison Chains Iruheta: The fiery tomato mop topped teen finally added something that didn’t suck to the show… a song that kicked a$$! It’s about freakin’ time. Anytime a Heart song is done, it almost always blows everything else away. No exception here, although I believe Carrie Underwood and Carly Smithson did slightly better renditions. I think she goes through to the Top 12 on this.

6. Kris “Mr. Vanilla” Allen: I agree with Kara on this—very forgettable, weak and zero impact. Another guy I don’t remember at all, and last night’s horrid attempt at “man in the mirror” was like listening to a faucet drip for 19 hours. He’s got as much chance as a McCauley Culkin lookalike at a Jacko sleepover.

7. Megan Corksoaker: Man, I wanted her to pull off this song! Cool song choice, but poor execution. She seemed out of tune and her movements were a bit forced. She didn’t seem comfortable. The shoulder movements were just bizarre and distracting. She’s pretty and hip, but I don’t think she will make the Top 3. Possibly a wildcard.

8. Matt Not so Brietzke: Idiot! Initially, I liked this guy—hard working, blue collar man. Then he had to open his big mouth and display some serious arrogance by sassing Simon and basically telling the judges that he knows better than they do. WRONG! Face it, cueball, you don’t know sh*t, your song choice was flaccid, and your performance was Karoake Konstruction man. Yerrrrrrr outta here!

9. Jazzy Lungworthy: (Yah, I can’t think of anything else….) In any event, I was stoked for her to do Bette Davis Size, and although it was pretty good, there was something missing. I don’t think I liked the arrangement and her “hurry up” pacing was distracting. What was most distracting, however, was her machine-gun like rantings after the song. STFU!!!! You are likable, but you are babbling like an Auctioneer on crack! Possibly, the 3rd vote or a wildcard.

10. Kai Kopacabana Hammock: Who doesn’t like this guy? If you don’t, you are a chucklehead. I really wanted him to do well, but he picked the song once described as “sonic Nyquil”. Ok I made that up, but it’s true. It really amazes me to no end how people who seem smart can pick such bowzers for songs. All that music and you pick “What Becomes of the Broken Hearted” Geez. I think Kai go bye-bye

11. My Sharona Henson: First impression: She looks like an Elf. I think she needs to bring Frodo back to the Shire. Or the Keebler Tree hideout. At any rate, I thought her song choice was spot-on and the execution was good, but not great. I would like to see her continue on, but not sure if she will or not. She deserves the #3 spot behind Goth-boy and Alison Chains, if we are going on last night’s shows only.

12. Adam Ant Eyeliner: I said at the beginning of the show that this guy would blow everyone else away and he did. He is a bit all-over-da-place, but this dude has serious range. I think he has Axel Rose range (the old Axel Rose, not that buffoon with red braided hair extensions). I hope he sings “Welcome to the Jungle” some week because I am willing to bet he would slay that bad boy. Easily the top of the heap last night, which wasn’t a hard thing to do.

So, I think overall, very disappointing night for some early favorites. The Piano man and Jazzmine most notably disappointed. Corky was a little “pitchy” and Construction man was just being a d*ck.

My Ratings for last night:

Adam Twelve
Alison Wonderlick
My Sharona Henson
Jazzy Leonidas
Meg Corknfork
Normal Gello
Kai Kalimari
Matt Girauffe
Jassmine Mirry
Krisp Allan
Matt Shittzke
Jah-neen Longshanks

No doubt that the top 2 go, but the 3rd could be a surprise. I think anyone in the TOP 8 on this list could get that 3rd spot. The bottom 4 will never be seen again (and thankfully never heard).

Stay tuned for next week when some numbnuts picks a Spandau Ballet song. Don’t these people have advisers???

OUT

Thou shall not have False Idols

2009-02-12T21:53:00.001-08:00

So the Top 36 are revealed this week. Why did we need 2 hours to watch the Kings and Queens of Narnia sitting in their thrones judging and playing god to the altars of karaoke? Because the advertisers paid for it!

The people who have Mediacom were dealt with the most ridiculous of TV schedule switcheroos. They put on the UNI vs Southern Ill-annoy basketball game instead and moved Idol back to 9:00. Thanks a lot you chuckleheads.

In any event, we are off with very few surprises. The people you thought would make it, made it, and vice versa. Most of the poor saps that got sh*tcanned early were people I didn’t know from adam. The judges/producers and their ridiculous fake tense “oooh we are unanimous and we don’t have good news… (cricket sounds)……….we have GREAT news!” have become so predictable and flaccid, and yet they continue to torture the performers with this “am I in, or not?” schtick. They must be taking lessons from Seacrust, that little a$$hat.

A few notable picks and some new info about one of the finalists…

They had a sing-off between Chicken Dee and Bug McGoo (hell, I don’t know their names yet)… with McGoo getting the win, but he didn’t want it to go down like that. They also had a sing-off between the blonde country girl (who’s hubby was also in the Hollywood rounds) and the Two-toned blonde with the goofy boots. Goofy Boots won and Simon gave her a vote of confidence by saying it was the wrong decision. Thanks Simon, you cro-magnon.

Obvious wins to singers like Danny Gokey, Jasmine, Goth Man, Joanna Pa-CHEATy, that tall girl, Von Smith (the indulgent child), Lil Rounds, the pink-haired Mom, the full arm tattoo Mom (lots of moms this year!), the Blue collar boys, and my personal favorite…. Norman Gentle!!!

There were two moments of disappointment for me. 1. They didn’t let Jamar (Danny’s buddy) through. 2. They DID let Tatiannoyance Del Taco through. Is this girl for real? Her antics are beyond bizarre and irritating. She needs to be slapped silly and then be exorcised by a sanctioned priest to get her inner demons under control. Her atrocious laugh, her stentorian scream, and her pathetic bawling make me want to bash my own head in with a shovel to end that sonic torture. She made it. I can’t believe she made it.

Some new info came out this morning that raises questions. The girl who already had a record contract and blew it, just blew it again. Joanne Pacheaty has been disqualified. Apparently, they discovered that she was involved in a “relationship” with someone from the IDOL show. Well, that and the fact she already had a record deal, an acting deal, a modeling deal, yadda yadda yadda… She moved to LA at age 16 for cripes sakes—she probably has more deals than Monte Hall. Anyway, SEE YA suckah! She forgot all the words anyway—Simon DID say, if you forget the words, poof you are gone!

And lastly, I have had time to reflect upon the impact of new judge Kara Mel Delite. I think she is a waste of space, merely eye candy and all style, little substance. She is jealous of younger attractive women like bikini girl. I kid, but it’s a little true.

I hope to see more nastiness from the judges and for Randy to not say “pitchy” all the time. He will drive me nuts this year if he pulls that crap with me, Dawgggggg! Aight.

OUT

Drama Queens of the Sunset Strip

2009-02-12T21:38:00.000-08:00

Sorry this is late, Idol chitchatters! Been a busy week, but now that I have had time to absorb this week’s bitchslapping good time in Hollywood, I can throw it out there.

It’s all about the drama. In order to keep the audience interested, the Idol producers put their iron-clad stamp of “Drama Guaranteed” on the shows from Hollywood week. Let’s skip straight to the Group performances. We all know that the sh*t would be hitting the fan with some of these chowderheads. Leave your ego at the door, people! The concept of teamwork didn’t dawn on quite a few of them and the potential chemistry turned into a potpourri of dog poo.

Let’s take the group with that walking annoyance-rod, Tatiana “the laughing windbag” Del Terror. Laugh, Cry, Piss and Moan, Rinse, Repeat. Do they do mental illness screens on these people? I have never wanted someone to fail so badly. The rest of her group was slightly better. When they performed their song in horrendous fashion, I was convinced that all 4 were leavin on a jet plane. Phhhhtttt! WHAT? WHO? WHEN? HOW? They all made it through! Are you e’fn kiddin me?

Save the drama for Obama… Next we have the trio of terrors. The goofy crybaby boy, the blonde whose voice needs a rest stop, and the feisty red-haired hair-dresser with the personality of sandpaper. What makes this story even better is that Spatiana tried to join them and even THEY were too dysfunctional for her! So, the 3 whinettes did their thing, and Doofus and Blondie make it, but Red gets cut and she is PISSED. At this point, I am laughing because she was so mean to everyone—good riddance and don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya.

And finally, Itsy Bitsy Brain, weenie in a bikini. Ok, let’s face it—she got what she wanted—15 minutes of shame. Any publicity is good pub, even if it’s bad. And that is what Katrina the slutt got herself plenty of. She ruined her group with her unwillingness to work and practice, then threw gas on the fire by not showing up, then showing up late. Then she gets the boot and refuses to get along with her team—“I don’t want to be fake” she quips. Hey, you are the epitome of fake, you ditz!

Fan faves Hippie blonde orphan (Rose) and Pink Rocker (Emilie) also get axed. For how much time they were given in the early auditions, you would have thought both would have made it further???

As for good performances, The first group that went (White Chocolate) was awesome—that routine was TIGHT. The Oil Rig guy and the other dude who looks like a biker did very well too. The Goth kid with the eye makeup was impressive as well…and then there’s Danny Gokey---can we pick a frontrunner this early? I can’t see how this guy can lose this competition. He’s got the voice, look and the back story to get him votes the rest of his life. He’ll just need to remember one thing, and I say this every freakin’ year… SONG CHOICE man. If he can master that, he’s your winner.

On the girl side, I think Jasmine has a good shot, but they really haven’t shown that many great girl performances, unless you count the drama. Maybe next week.

OUT

SeaCrust gets Lost in Florida

2009-02-12T21:35:00.000-08:00

Speaking of lost, this episode of Idol was a lost cause. I feel like I just watched those boring outtakes and deleted scenes from a straight-to-DVD movie. This may have been the single most obtusely boring Audition show ever. No really good ones, no really bad ones—just blahhhhh.

So we are in Jacksonville, which, as Ryan puts it, “is where Florida starts.” I don’t even have a frickin clue as to what that means. That statement makes about as much sense as Simon’s insistence on wearing K-Mart v-neck undershirts to every audition. Nice man-b00bs, by the way…

So here’s a little recap of the inaction:

Average
Suck
Suck
Ok
Suck
Yawn
Zzzzz
Suck
Ok
Mediocre
Suck
Ok

I thought the first guy would blow like Guarini, but he did ok, even though he added Police Academy sound effects to the song. And why is it cool to compare yourself to the worst runner-up in Idol history?

Then there was the girl with shi-tzu. I thought her singing sounded like shitz too. It wasn’t horrible, but she added those Britny Fears “nails on a chalkboard” sounds to it. EGAD.

There were a couple more boring auditions, including one from Miss Candidita from Nutbag-land. Was it necessary to wear your tiara to the audition (well at least it wasn’t a bikini). Her laugh was like 400 hyenas jumping out of a burning helicopter.

Seacrust then gets lost on his golf cart—what programming genius put this in there? An accidental photograph of your ceiling has more imagination than this.

Next up is the Town Crier, who cried when his buddy didn’t make it, then he didn’t make it. This is just pathetic, not entertaining.

I almost laughed when the girl who compares herself to Mariah Carey obliterated her song as her friend sat on Randy’s bus-stop size lap, but then she started crying too when Simon asked her if she was serious. Nice touch, v-neck-man

The most bizarre on the show last night had to be that Grizzly Adams wannabe Physics student. Do the laws of physics deter you from trimming that pelican nest of tangled hair? There was no way this was a serious audition—everything about this guy was cooked up in a meth lab. Hey dingus, Jack Link is looking for their sasquatch!

The real injustice of last night’s show was the kid with the guitar. He was certainly good enough to go through to the next round, but they all said NO. Are you effing kidding me? After seeing some of those yo-yos get through and not this guy?

All in all, the show was a real bowzer last night. I think they may be doing this on purpose in order to make Hollyweird week more meaningful, and as a vehicle to get to know the singers better. The auditions so far, especially the “good” ones, have been pretty forgettable.

Maybe we’ll get lucky in Salt Lake tonight—bring the bush babies and william hungs of the world. If not, expect another yawn-inspiring milli vanilli envy convention.

OUT

"Be Careful" in the 'Ville

2009-02-12T17:06:00.000-08:00

Idol is off to Louisville, where there is a long-standing controversy on how to pronounce the name… Louisville is pronounced Lullville by most natives there. However, there is a sign that suggests other pronunciations are as equally acceptable. In any event, who cares.
By all accounts, last night’s show was as dull as dirtpies. There were some good ones, but nothing really outstanding. There were some bad ones, but nothing crazy enough to be memorable. I’m hoping for more fireworks from next week’s shows.

Let’s get on with it… The best singer on the show last night was probably the girl who moved to LA at age 16 by herself. What the hell kind of parents would let their daughter do this? LA is the armpit of America, a place where teens go to become p0rn stars and crack whores. Fortunately ( I hope), this wasn’t the case for Joanna Pacitti. She was very good, but like Carly Smithson from last year, she has already cut a few records and was even signed by a label. She has a head-start on her competition, that’s fo sho.

Another good one was the guy who sang Bad Company. I later found out that he was a finalist from Nashville Idol’s Season 2. What is up with these 2nd Chancers showing up in Lullville?
The other good singer worth noting was the last girl to go (Lenesha Young ) who comes from a poor background. She did her own original song and kicked the horsecrap out of it! I would like to see her do well on this show. There were a few others that were decent like Teen Mom with “to-be” husband at Aaaaaaaarmy Training with Bill Murray and John Candy.

Now for the $hits and giggles part of the show… the first girl was a blonde shipwreck who howled like a banshee and turned Mariah Carey’s Hero into a Zero. Her dad should try out for Bono impersonations though.

Then there’s Mudd in your eye as Mark Mudd does his best redneck rendition of White Lightning. He is the epitome of hickdom. He says “be careful” to the judges, but they interpreted him incorrectly when he obviously meant “take care.” Still, what a Goober. He should focus more on driving responsibly.

Zebra-face and Over the Rainblow chick about forced me to wretch as they were simply horrific.
The worst of the bunch though was geechy guy with his Asian symbols that he called radicals. First of all, get some new teeth—those chiclets were jacked up. I think you could fit a Yugo between each pearly yellow. Secondly, nice forking suit—you stand out like dogsh*t on white carpet. Thirdly, your song choice and singing was below the level of frog droppings. Nice guy though—his sipping through Paula’s straw was classic…

19 made it through the ‘ville when all is said and done. One more week of “odd” ditions. Will we find the next William Hung or Stinkjaya Maltomeal?

OUT

I left my Laugh in San Francisco

2009-02-12T16:59:00.000-08:00

Idol made its way to the Bay Area last night, and for being such a large populace, it was extremely disappointing. 12 people are moving on to Hollow-wood.

The show started off with what could be argued as the most annoying contestant ever. The laughing hyena, supposedly form Puerto Rico, rudely and abruptly skewered my ear drums with a boisterous and blistering giggle from 10 leagues below “hell” level. She needed to be pushed to the floor. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen and she actually sung ok. I doubt this chucklehead will get past Hollywood, as her ego is bigger than her mouth. She’s a model/singer/dancer/actress/construction worker/pro football player, etc. And oh, by the way, nice fake accent, you Noob! Funny how she went from the Puerto Rican accent to plain old English…hahahahaha… hahahaha ha-ha.

Albino Beatboxer came up next and about put me to sleep with that crapchester performance.

The next guy takes the cake for appearances. He is wearing this plaid Herman Munster coat that is 15 sizes too big, but somehow seems appropriate. He looks like he may be part gorilla. If you morphed a gorilla with Tom Jones, you would have this guy. He actually wasn’t that bad, but his ape-like facial gestures and orangutan-colored hair got him fired. Welcome to the Jungle, baby—you gonna dieeeeeee!

Other notables on the show were Jesus and his 12 kids. How does someone who is auditioning for Idol have grown kids already? Did this guy start having babies when he was 15? In any event, Hayzeus is pretty good and gets the nod to go through. The kids were actually pretty cool and helped sway the judges to sing praise to Jesus.

There were a couple good girls that got very little airtime but made it through—why can’t we see them? Instead we are subjected to the aural and visual torture of Akilah, the girl with the notebook of medical terms about one’s esophagus, trachea, et al. The Idol producers can take a leap into a pool of cess for having me sit through this rancid segment. I wish I could have those 10 minutes back. Her singing was not horrible, nor was it any good—it was just blah. At least give me something to laugh about! The only remotely funny thing was her statement about rectums and singing from her reproductive areas…nice.

The dude from Hollywood who is in the play “Wicked” put on a wicked rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody—he was spot on—finally a candidate worthy of making it further. And lastly, the guy who is taking care of his mom—great story, great voice, great chance to go far. Simon Scowl said he had the personality of a cruise ship singer. I think I know what he meant, but it kind of came off as harsh.

Overall, SF was as stale as a 6 year old box of Rice-a-Roni, but I can see those last 2 going pretty far in this competition.

OUT

KC and the Sun shines on a Dogs @ss

2009-02-12T16:54:00.000-08:00

Welcome to Kansas City which is in Missouri, not Kansas. Yah, that makes sense. Kinda like I live in Iowa City, Minnesota. In any event, Missouri is where we are, and is also the state of last season’s winner David Cook. It seems that the Midwest has a higher degree of normalcy than the kooks from the koasts.

Today is no exception. The show started off so bland and normal, that I can’t even remember any of it. There were two notable moments of Idol ridiculousness that I can recall; 1. The girl who sung Without You—I thought it would be good, but it was horrifying. The part I remember most though was when Simon Scowl said it sounds like a cat jumping off the Empire State Building, and that sound is what it would make right before it hits. I about p*ssed myself. 2. The classically trained opera singer. What the hell was that he was wearing—a stretched out underwear shirt under a black dinner jacket. I bet he had Dollar Menu cheeseburgers in each pocket. In any event, he sucked.

Again, my memory fails me—who can I rip on? Most of the second half of the show were by pretty good singers or just marginally bad. Nothing horrendous, although there was that guy with the banana—What the hell is that about? And he had bright orange slacks—what an assclown.

Some other good ones were the big burly bald guy and the girl who lives with her 93 yr old grandma. I think it would be cool if Grams could go to Hollywood with her. And the other very memorable “good“ performance came from Danny Gokey. His wife died just a few months before the auditions, so how can you not root for this guy, you heartless animals? He knocked his song out of the ballpark, which was “Heard it through the Grapevine”. He will go far I think.

One of the more surprising entries was Kumar from “Harold and Kumar go to White Castle.” Spittin’ image of Kal Penn, but dressed like a dork. He was actually pretty good, much better than that doof with the cheerleader entourage. Are you kiddin me? If he would have left those 2 tweedledums behind, he may have gotten through. The other weird audition I recall is only because she kept falling asleep in her chair. Too bad her performance made me want to put her to sleep permanently---good gawd that was farking nasty. Go back to nap time, nancy!

And finally, we again end on a positive note as Lil Rounds (nice name) comes on—we know it will be special because they spend about 15 minutes on her and her kids and her story and her house and her husband (who looks like he just turned 18). However, she is pretty personable and you kind of want her to do well. And do well she does.

In sum, they showed less freakshows in KC than in Phoenix, but judging by previews, we may see some kooky hijinks in next week’s shows. We can only hope so, so I can have more to write about.

OUT

American Idol Swimsuit Edition

2009-02-12T16:51:00.000-08:00

Four hours, count em, 4 freakin hours of Idol in the last two days. That’s a lot of rubbish to endure, and rubbish is what we got on day one. After the obligatory flashback scenes, the first thing we see is Ryan Seacrust on the edge of the Grand Canyon—why can’t someone push him in? “THIS…. Is Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” ……thwap.

So this is the beginning of Idol Season 8—welcome to the Six-stop freakshow. Our first stop is “but it’s a dry heat” Phoenix. Thousands of sweaty teens and twentysomething twerps ready to get a verbal lashing. Who will be the first to push the Hoover of suckdom? They always have some dude with nutty hair going first, and Tuesday was no exception. This guy could star in a live-action adaptation of “Hair Bears – Grizzly Audition” It was crap and it should therefore, stay in the woods.

There was only one good memorable performance in the first half of the show, and that was by the tattooed rocker chick with pink hair who sang “Barracuda.” That was freaking awesome! That is a hard song to sing acapella or in Acapulco or whatever the hell it’s called. She kicked the song’s @ss. I predict good things for this girl.

The rest of the hour saw Dopey, Sneezy and Bashed-In. Dopey was the guy who looked like a rocker, but acted more like a cocker (spaniel). He was weepy and droopy—“I just want to be taken seriously!” How bout you kick yourself in the berries? Sleepy was the goony kid with the greasy black hair who about passed out on the floor—what the hell was that? And of course Bashed-In is what my ears were after that horrid Tears For Fears song that was butchered by a castrated Mickey Mouse.

I’ll be brief about Day 2…. Herman freaking Munster. That dude with the low voice made Herman Munster sound like Tiny Tim. WTF was up with that? The judges were right—DO VOICEOVERS! And let’s not forget Pink Cowboy hat girl with her ridiculous @ss-kissing of new judge Kara DiGiorno (it’s not Delivery). Tran$exual Chocolate tasted more like pickled sand, but hey he gets a new car for sucking!

There were a few better performances on Day 2—Horror Boy was good. Roughneck Man was decent although he sang a boy band song. And Bikini Girl! Fantastic! Well at least Simon thought so. I agreed with the ladies—she sucked mothballs. Simon and Randy couldn’t hear sh*t as they were tricked by the tramp. She then proceeded to suck face with Seacrust, who got a taste of Cowell’s @ss. I hope she falls off the stage in Hollywood and sprains her throat

The night ended on a positive note with the virtually blind guy Scott making it through to Hollyweird. I suspect he will actually sound better when he gets to play his piano.

All in all, the Phoenix did not rise from the ashes—it was a farghing disaster of epicurean proportions. Bimbos and Babies, Nuts and Dolts who sound like Lou Holtz. Stay tuned for the KC re-crap!

OUT

To Heck with Jack Frost

2008-12-07T21:21:00.000-08:00

Greetings and welcome to another Iowa winter! I know most of you are shaking your heads and spewing curse words at me—HEY, I feel your pain! I like Iowa winters as much as I like annual dental checkups. They both hurt, and the thought of them elicit a sense of doom, gloom and dread. Yet here we are, still here after all these years. How many times have you thought about moving to a warmer location? Dream on, Iowans…

We live here because we like having different seasons—each one of the three (four, if you count spring) helps us appreciate all the different changes we encounter. I don’t count spring anymore, because quite frankly, I think it’s left the building. Spring skips Iowa—it goes straight from winter to summer. Where else can you have 20 degrees and snow one day, and sunny skies and 75 the next day?

At any rate, we are talking about winter and snow and ice and sleet. After you add the sand and the salt, our streets become a 7 Layer Salad of sludge. There are plenty of reasons to hate Iowa winters and I will gladly list my Top 10 reasons:

10. Snowblowers that blow snow back in your face—I hate that!

9. Snowplows that block your driveway with mammoth chunks of ice—thanks a lot!

8. Taking out the trash and recycle bin and falling on your ass because of that ice patch

7. People who forget how to drive in winter and rear-end you

6. Morons in 4x4’s who think they can defy physics. Yup, brakes are overrated-driver, meet ditch…

5. Getting out of bed—can’t we be like bears and hibernate?

4. Wind Chill—talk about insult to injury—why do we have to endure this cruel add-on?

3. Shopping – holiday shoppers can be rude, crude and violent. Is that overpriced Cabbage Patch Elmo whatchamacallit worth trampling each other over?

2. It’s dark out at 5:00! If winter isn’t depressing enough, let’s make everything darker and colder for most of the day--brilliant!

1. Ice – Snow is bad enough, but we seem to get more than our fair share of ice. Nothing screams panic attack quite like your car sliding downhill sideways—whoohooo!
Now don’t get me wrong—there are a few things that are good about winter in Iowa. I don’t want to be a negative nelly. In winter, it is acceptable to lie around the house all weekend and watch football on TV. You also don’t have to mow the lawn and pick up dog poo. Some of us put on a little extra weight, you know, as insulation to, ahem, protect us from the cold. Underneath all the layers of clothing and road salt, ARE reasons to like winter—you just gotta dig through the slushy muck to find them.

Seasons to Savor

2008-12-07T21:10:00.000-08:00

Tis the season of winter and all through the house, not a creature was stirring… ok, you get the picture. It’s the nuttier than a fruitcake holiday time of year, and are you ready for it? I believe the madness starts right around the Thanksgiving holiday and continues until New Year’s Day. However, it seems to be creeping closer and closer to Halloween, and then you have Christmas marketing for three months straight. If I hear that Menard’s jingle with the unintelligible words again, I will shop at HO HO Home Depot from that point going forward.

In addition to the shopping sprees and consumer conundrums, there is the special holiday MENU to think about. It seems that the holidays are the perfect alibi for stuffin’ ourselves like the Thanksgiving turkey we just mowed down. In addition to the traditional holiday fare, there are some unique delicacies to sample as well as seasonal libations.

I have compiled a list of seasonal snackers and tantalizing treats that will make your mouths water, or make you run far, far away.

In addition to the good standbys; turkey, ham, Christmas cookies, fudge and pumpkin pie, here are the other items you see (or don’t see) around the holidays:

Sugar plums – I have no idea what these are and I have never seen one-I think they are fictional.
Chestnuts – Sounds more like a medical condition.
Fruitcake – It’s neither a fruit nor a cake. Whatever it is, it is not good.
Goose – Do people really eat these?
Mincemeat Pie – The “headcheese” of desserts. No thanks, I’ll pass
Meringue Cookies – If you like the taste and texture of chalk, then these are for you!
Plum Pudding – Another make-believe dessert, or at least on the endangered species list.
Summer Sausage and Cheese – Why do people only eat summer sausage in the winter?
Roast Beast – It’s what the Hoos from Hooville eat, and I want to know where I can get one.
Eggnog – Nothing like fat in a glass! One cup = ten zillion calories
Candy Canes – Has anyone ever taken them out of the plastic wrap and not broken it?
Wintergreen - Ok, it's a flavor, but why anyone likes it is beyond me. Nothing like the deliciousness of Pepto Bismol and Skoal chewing tobacco--mmmm, tasty.

So another delectable season of strangeness lies ahead. Go forth and venture into new culinary territory! But do so at your own risk and buyer beware! I will stay true to my tradition of ordering Chinese food and pizza--sausage and chestnuts, please!

Happy Holidays!

Political Prattle

2008-10-07T14:41:00.000-07:00

As we wind down to the upcoming election, we reflect on the barrage of campaigning, slogans, punditry and propaganda, and like most folks, I’m just tired of it.

Let’s just get this Presidential vote over with, so we can go on with our lives. The media blitz that bombards are TVs, radios and internet is a non-stop circus of epic proportions. It’s 24x7 coverage of every move, every word, and every gesture that our candidates make. If they sneeze, we will hear about it on FOX News. If one of the candidates has a rash from too much sun, CNN will make sure we are notified.

Remember when we judged our Political candidates by what they stood for, their platform? Is that getting lost among all the rigmarole? No wonder no one knows who to vote for these days. We are busy people—we need to know the facts! I don’t know about you people, but I don’t have time to watch or listen to 18 news stations every day about what so-and-so believes and how they changed their opinion six times on four different issues.

On top of that, you have your clearly biased talk show radio hosts who cram reckless interpretations of their beliefs down our throats, as if they were facts. Opinions are like bad hair days, and these people have several. It worries me that there are a lot of people who take this stuff as gospel and choose to vote without really knowing what they are voting for.

It’s time for the media, both news and talk radio, to be more responsible in their coverage of these huge political events! This is our future. Letting some loose-lipped hacks with hidden agendas influence the folks who don’t have access to the facts is a scary proposition.

Both Presidential and VP candidates are human and have made mistakes in their lives. Both Presidential and VP candidates have their advantages and disadvantages. Before making decisions on race or gender or because someone’s “easy on the eyes”, please do your country and yourself and family a service and do your due diligence in knowing who and what you are voting for. What is important to you?

Regardless of the perpetual media blitz, it is still we the people that need to wrap our heads around this election and vote with a common purpose. We need to demand better from our leaders, from our media and from ourselves.

Why I Hate Fantasy Football

2008-09-10T11:15:00.000-07:00

Football season is upon us, and I for one am extremely excited and happy that it is. I have always been a football fan, since I was a wee lad. I started my football fandom as a young supporter of the Green Bay Packers. Back then, you liked whatever team your parents thought you would like, and for them it was the Packers. I didn’t have a choice in the matter.

As I started to develop my own identity, something happened that I had never seen before—the league introduced two new teams. It was the Seattle Seahawks and Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Well, Seattle’s shiny silver helmets blew me away, and when you are nine years old, helmet color was near the top of the list in choosing favorite teams. So Seattle it was! (and besides, the Buccaneer helmets were white and pastel orange—yuk!)

To this day, I have been a Seattle fan through thick and thin, and believe me, it has been thin for a long time, so my loyalty cannot be questioned.

But then along came Fantasy Football. An addicting game of drafting players from all over the league to form your own all-star team. Then you play your friends and colleagues every week and see who has the most points after each weekend.

As fun as this may seem, it also makes you question your sanity. You become attached to the TV and computer watching for updates on your drafted players to see how they are doing. You are focused like a laser on each and every game and you know who is playing who, what time, where it’s played and the current weather conditions. You consider dropping your cable TV and picking up Satellite TV and ordering the NFL package in which you can watch every game simultaneously.

Not to mention, you neglect your family and pets. They are talking to you, and all you hear is “blah, blah dinner blah” or “blah, blah the house is burning down blah blah.”

“Not now, honey, Peyton Manning is in the red zone!”

But the worst thing about Fantasy Football is how it makes you cheer for teams and players you don’t even like, and even drive you to root against your own team! I have Tony Romo (Cowboys QB) and he is playing my beloved Seattle Seahawks. I want my Seahawks to win, of course, but I also want Romo to throw some damn touchdowns so I can smoke my Fantasy opponent!

This inner struggle is what nearly drives us to lunacy as you writhe in agony when your team sacks your starting Fantasy QB. You don’t know whether to cheer or boo! It’s an inescapable quandary that will drive you to the brink of madness. Although it’s called Fantasy Football, it’s more like Nightmare Football in which reality is a welcome addition (but not until next season)!

Text Messaging is not LOL

2008-07-06T21:15:00.000-07:00

As cell phone usage is becoming as common as diet cola, the actual “talking” part is taking a backseat to another cell phone function. This function is “text messaging.”

For those not cognizant of the whole text message phenomena (which I’m sure there aren’t too many), it is using your cell phone as an instant emailing device to another cell phone.

Yes, I admit it—I have fallen victim to the text messaging brouhaha like a lot of folks. It is just so damn convenient and impersonal. Who the hell wants to actually talk to anyone? I don’t have time for a real conversation. I just want to communicate with a few choice letters, numbers and symbols. Better yet, I want to use acronyms to communicate my general feelings at that given moment.

For instance, if someone sends me something hilarious, I may respond with an “LOL.” That means “Laughing Out Loud” for you non-texters. Of course, I am not really laughing out loud---people might think I’m insane or possessed. In addition, when I want to say “you”, I will type the letter “U”. Brilliant I say! No time to type words!

I kid, I kid. Although I admit to using text messaging, I also understand the dangers of this digital deciphering debauchery.

Text messaging in the wrong hands can be a hazard to one’s health. First of all, if you have a teenager, your blood pressure will be impacted when you receive the bill. 8500 text messages in one month! Are you %$#^@ nuts? Of course the kids always bring up some mystery friend from school that had 13,000 texts—zowey!!!

Another pitfall of epic proportions is this infernal text messaging while driving a car thing. What is so important that can’t wait until the five minute drive home from school is over? Oh yeah. Wendy’s has a new Frosty flavor.

Remember the good old days when we were just worried about people talking on their cell while rocketing down the road? At least they could see the road. Is it just a coincidence that automobile accidents went way up last year? Chew on this… According to CTIA-The Wireless Assn., U.S. subscribers sent close to 48 billion text messages last year compared to a paltry 9 billion from 2005. Hmmm, gee I wonder if there is a correlation?

Text messaging has its positives, when used in moderation. I actually send a “group” text message to my softball team when there is a rainout. NICE! However, I don’t send it while driving to Wendy’s for that new Frosty. LOL! Any questions? If so, then RTFM… ; )

The Good, Bad and Ugly of FLOOD '08

2008-06-16T07:53:00.000-07:00

As a Native Cedar Rapidian, and current resident, the great flood of '08 is having and will have a lasting impact in my mind.

First of all, the sheer disaster of the entire downtown area under water was incomprehensible to not only me, but to everyone alive. No one predicted that the water would rise and crest to 31 feet! The huge flood of 1993 was a mere 2o feet, and that was considered HUGE!

What has happened here is unprecedented in many ways. They call this a "500 Year" flood, in that a disaster of this magnitude only comes around once every 500 years. And in this scenario, there is a 500 Year flood evacuation plan. 12 blocks on both sides of the river were mandated to evacuate. Take a few things here and there, but leave everything else behind. Every person and animal had to find shelter with more often than not, just their shirts on their backs.

Travel, although not advised was severely crippled as ALL bridges were either closed or completely under water. The only way from one side of the river to the other was the ONE highway (I 380). Of course, this route was so inundated with traffic, it was like a parking lot. The one time I had to take I 380 was on my way home from work Wednesday afternoon, and the combination of shock, disgust and sadness made its way through my bones, especially when I saw my dad's old Dairy Queen under water. Although we no longer own the DQ, it will always be in our hearts, especially since my Dad built this one from the ground up.

It was mind-numbing to see the courthouse and Mays Island under water. All the main downtown bridges completely deluged--you could only see the tops of the railings. Very few downtown structures were spared. Even the biggest Hospital was completely evacuated. Another landmark near and dear to my Bohemian heart is the Czech Village area and National Czech Museum. I hope and pray that it can fully recover, especially knowing that it is the only Czech Museum in the entire country.

Although, I could go on about this horrible and devastating catastrophe, I also wanted to point out some things that make me proud to be CR native. The community, as a whole, really came together to help each other. Volunteers were aplenty during the crisis. Emergency responders moved quickly to try to rescue people and animals and were affective that not one person or creature was left behind, which is simply amazing. Shelters were opened up immediately and even the full ones weren't going to turn any person down. Clothes and other items were donated at a record pace.

What really hit me hard, and in a good way, was the volunteer effort to sandbag the last water pumping station, and then to immediately march over to Mercy Medical Center to continue the sandbaggging effort. First of all, it was around midnight. Not the time of day where most people are getting ready to perform hard labor. This group of go-getters literally saved the last good water we had in record time. But that wasn't good enough--these diligent, tireless workers made their way to Mercy Medical where they proceeded to line up and factory-pile sandbag after sandbag, after sandbag to try to save the hospital. It didn't matter that they were going to evacuate the patients--they kept going and going. In fact, it was reported that 1200 people showed up to volunteer. They were telling people to go home!

Hats off too, to the state government for being there, and for FEMA for their quick reactions (I guess they learned their lesson from Katrina). Also a special mention to Channel 9 (KCRG) TV. Bruce Aune and Beth Malicki were with us almost 24x7 and it was clear they had passion for their community. Even the Channel 9 sports guys John Campbell and Scott Saville put in a ton of hours. Nothing against the other local channels, but Channel 9 clearly put more heart into it.

Simply put, this is the kind of effort that will save the city. The people of Cedar Rapids came together and helped, offered a hand, supported and rescued. This heroic effort is why Cedar Rapids will survive and even thrive.

That was the Bad and Good. Now the ugly. Every city or community have some dimwits and dumbasses. CR is no exception. Although very minimal, there were a small handful of things that raised my ire.

First of all, people stopping on the freeway to get out of their cars to take videos and pictures. You selfish assholes are putting everyone else at risk and only thinking about yourselves and your sensationalistic evidence that you have witnessed a disaster. You people make me sick.

Secondly, you morons impersonating Emergency personnel or National Guard members, just to get closer to the "action." What the hell do you hope to accomplish? Something to brag about to your buddies? What a stupid act of what? I don't even know... These people should be fined, slapped (literally) and do 10000 hours of community service.

And finally, you jerks and selfish, self-centered low-lifes who were knowingly, blatantly and defiantly not complying with the water conservation effort. This might be the lowest of lows. According to the CR Gazette (newspaper), 11% of the population were not conserving water. Well gee whiz, at least they're honest! No showers, doing dishes, laundry were part of this conservation plan. If people did not adhere to this, the city would have lost ALL water and then have to go to a Boil order. Not a good situation at all. There were people out watering their lawns, hosing off their sidewalks, taking showers, flushing their toilets after each use, etc. Thoughtless and gutless. Kudos to those restaurants that served food on paper plates, plastic-ware, etc. Also congrats to those few eateries that shut off their sink water and offered up hand-sanitizer. There were even a few that brought in porta-potties. Then there are places like Lone Star Steakhouse which blatantly disregarded all of the above and decided that any reaction to the disaster was a "corporate" decision. You chicken-shit punks... Lone Star has been a "less than stellar" restaurant for many, many years, and continues to cement their reputation as a bottom-feeder in the food business. On the flip-side, Hamburger Mary's did the opposite. They even put little notes on each table, explaining that they are consciously making an effort to conserve water and how they are doing it. Oh, and the food was phenomenal.

In any event, CR has a lot of rebuilding to do. This was a tragic occurrence. People's lives have been impacted in ways that are unimaginable. However, the silver lining to me, is how this community came together, helped each other and perhaps became a stronger community. Does it take a disaster to bring people, families, friends and even strangers together? Who knows, but I do feel a lot better about rebuilding this city knowing that almost 90% of the community is working together to make it better (the other 10% can go eat at Lone Star and catch salmonella).

Throwin' Down with the Daves

2008-05-21T11:48:00.000-07:00

Another season of Idol is all but wrapped up and all we have left is to announce the winner at tonight's raucous finale. Who is going to pull it off tonight? Our resident rockin, sockin, straight talkin Cookie Jarvis? or that little Bear-haired hobbit with the stalker dad Archuletta?

Before we discuss individual performances, let's take a look at the overall show... New Stage! Simon is wearing a Blazer!

Well, that is about it. Oh, and the silly little boxing theme was a new wrinkle. Please... Jim Lampley from HBO's Boxing after Dark? We can do better than this, Idol producers! Apparently, our singers were coached by Clive Davis and Andrew Lloyd Weber (again). Their analysis of our finalists was pretty vanilla and blah at best. Tell us something new, you old foagerts!

The other part of the overall show, is the song selection criteria. I was wondering what absolute horrid sap-encrusted ballad they would make them both sing at the end, complete with the 900 backup singers wearing graduation gowns. Thankfully, and mercifully, they have done away with that over-produced nonsense.

Instead, we have:

1. Clive Davis choice (yawn)
2. Songwriter Selection: This is new. Instead of the producers picking ONE crappy song for them to both sing, they get to choose one of their own liking.
3. Pick whatever they want.

So let's get on with it...

Cookie Crisp:

Song 1: U2's "Still Haven't' Found What I'm Looking for" was Clive's pick for Cook. I thought it was pretty darn good. Nothing mind-blowing, but still solid. No mistakes, no pitch problems (Randy). Good way to start the show!

Song 2: The songwriter song "I have no idea what the name is." by Whatstheirface. Well it was definitely a rocker song, and for something I have never heard of, I thought it was quite good. I listened, I was entertained and I think that song would receive radio play. However, it was lacking familiarity, which sometimes hurts. Again, no flaws and a great job! The judges were being punks and didn't give Cook enough credit.

Song 3: The World I know by Collective Soul: Although, he did a fine job on this piece, it just didn't have the knockout punch that I was hoping for. Instead, Cook went a different route--he picked this song for the message and what it meant to him. Although I respect the he11 out of him for staying true to himself, it might not have been the best "strategic" move for Cookie.

Overall, I was impressed, but slightly disappointed. He performed well, he sang great, but the song choices might have been better. I agree with Simon in that if he would have went with Billie Jean or Elinor Rigby, etc, he could have taken the round.

Bear Hair Archie:

Song 1: Clay Aiken's Don't Let the Sun go Down on Me. Oh wait, that was Elton John. I was shocked that they picked this song, since no one can touch Clay's version of it. Still, the hobbit did pretty good with it. Nothing special, but just good Archuletta-branded nasally ballad goodness! I do take issue, however, with Randy's aphrodisiac-laced stroking of this kid after the song. For f**k's sakes, it wasn't that great!!! You would think that this was the best performed song of all time after watching Randy lose his bodily functions. Give me a break, drama-queen!

Song 2: Songwriter song--"In this Moment" by whocares. Typical title and typical sound for a finale song. Again, blah, blah, blah... Frodoletta did a decent enough job on this ballad to keep the crowd and the judges happy. Again, is he out of his comfort zone at all? I think not. Actually, the most noticeable thing about the performance was that ridiculous jacket he had on. It looked like it had toilet paper stuck to the side of it, but upon further review, it was some cheeseball anchor. Then I saw the back of it, and hey, another anchor! What is this, Gilligan's Island? Hey Archie, Goodwill called, they want their Mariner jacket back! Who thought of this? I was so distracted by that anchor coat, I stopped listening. Again, the judges went overboard (anchors away?) with their delusional commentary.

Song 3: Imagine by John Lennon, Been there done that. Yes, it was one of his better earlier performances, but we already heard it! In addition, I thought he sung it better the first time! In this latest version, he added a bunch of runs to try to impress the judges. They took the kool-aid and heaped praise upon young Starchie. Apparently, this song put him over the top, and according to Simon, was the knockout blow to David Cook.

After giving it some thought, I am now wondering if Simon went out of his way to pump up Bear-hair's stock, in order to get more support and sympathy votes for Cookie. Simon is a marketing guru, and everyone knows that Cookie is going to sell more records than Starchie. I think the vote will be closer than a lot of people think.

I am calling this show a draw, as both singers were good, but not great. The judges would have you believe that Frodo won by a landslide--I think NOT!

Regardless of who wins tonight, I will not be surprised either way. I will say this though... Archie needs this win more than Cookie. Cook will sell more cds because his music and voice are marketable long term. However, Archie's style of music is dull, boring and sappy. He may sell a few records to a few teens and grammas, but he will soon be forgotten. An Idol win would at least push sales of his first album and get him more face time with the world. As a 2nd place finisher, he will be another Justin Guarini, that mop-headed doofus from season 1. Who will win? Too close to call

In conclusion, great season, so-so finale. I wish both finalists well. I give Archie a hard time, but he is a good kid and I hope he stays that way. I think Cook will be more successful in the music industry. He is also a good guy and deserves to have success.

I think they need to look at the judges for next year. Randy and Paula have worn thin, and their acts are getting stale. Randy with his "pitchy" comments and "just aight with me" blurbs are tiresome. Paula's medicinal-laced rants are beyond bizarre. I still like Simon and his K-Mart v-necks though--he can stay...

OUT (until next season)

Woody Woodpecker and the 3 Bear(hairs)

2008-05-15T17:33:00.000-07:00

So last night, I had to sit through the whole one hour show, including those nauseating commercials to catch Idol, due to my DVR being on the fritz. It was a long hour, to say the least.

I was not impressed with their recaps of the previous night's songs--they were too short, and I didn't get a feel for what was what. What little I did see gave the impression that Cookie is in the driver's seat to win this thing.

So, let's recap the "kick-off" show. I don't usually do these, but I gotta get out of my comfort zone once in a while, eh?

First of all, I thought the format of the show was actually pretty good. The hometown visits were impressive and overwhelming to our performers. The first one was little Bear-hair Archuletta. He must have felt like the Beatles when all the goofy little teenieboppers were screaming at him and crying and trying to rip out his bear lettuce. Starchie is clearly not down with this element, so God bless him for being such an "innocent." I hope he stays that way, as fame has a knack of wrecking even the sturdiest of souls.

Ok, so let's cut to commercial--duh, like we didn't see that coming. The Ford commercial was one of the lamest I've seen. They really pushed the envelope on worshipping materialistic goods. "Hey look at my cars, SUVS and pools! I am famous, so go f*** yourselves!" I think they could have sent a more appropriate message.

Next, we have the former Idol winner Phantasia returning to perform. It was more like Spaz-tasia meets Woody Woodpecker. What the f*** was that garbage? That may well be the single worst former-Idol performance I have ever witnessed. And unlike Syscreecha, who is eye-candy, Phantasia is more like eye-headcheese. What the he11 was that bright red crap on her noggin? Is she auditioning for Grace Jone's part in Conan the Destroyer? The only thing she destroyed was her reputation as a respected artist. I am not sure I understood a thing that came out of her mouth. Good grief ,that was bad, and did you see Simon's face during that trainwreck? I was laughing my @ss off!

So back to the good performers.... Sloesha was next on her trip home. I think her dad needs to understand what TMI means. Did he really have to tell a zillion people that his daughter singing is keeping him off crack and meth? It may be a good story, but not to be shared by everyone and their dog. She also went back to the Doll-Head look, much to my chagrin. She is drop-dead with straight hair and could be a model. actress, whatever. Oh well, to each their own.

And then Cookie. Neat story about his brother, and then he went on stage as well. Cook's trip home was pretty cool, but I must say it was turned up a hundred notches when he returned to his elementary school and brought his old music teacher flowers. It was one of those things that warms the cockles of the heart ( I have no idea what a cockle is). Seriously, that moment cemented Cook as one of my all-time fave idol contestants---he is a class act.

And without further ado and further embarrassment (Spaz-tasia), here we go with the Top 3. They all stood together, and you can tell they like each other, which is cool. I didn't realize bear-hair is so wee.... He is a chihuaha among the big dogs.

So after the break (thanks Seakrust for really shocking us with THAT one), we will find out. Yes, as you know, it was poor Sloesha who got the boot. As many have predicted, it is David vs David, or DAVID vs david.

Let's face it folks, unless the Idol producer make them sing all sappy ballads next week, this is Cook's contest to lose. The final song will be some melodramatic load of sap with too many backup singers (as is the custom). The smart cookie will figure out a way to beat the balladeering hobbit at his own game. It will be a great competition. But seriously, who the he11 is going to sell more records? Look at Daughtry's #s compared to Reuben, Clay and Elliot's. It's not even close.

Stay tuned for the battle royale. And will somebody please tape it for me, just in case my effing DVR blows up on me again? Thanks!

OUT

Rock and Roll Over in my Grave

2008-05-07T07:45:00.000-07:00

I thought last night was supposed to be Rock and Roll Hall of Fame night? Out of eight songs, there was only ONE true rock and roll song, which was Baba O'Reilly by our esteemed rocker DaCook. Another disappointing and upchuck-inducing night of crappy reggae, motown covers and freaking ballads. Stick to the genre, ya mooks!

At any rate, this was supposed to be Cookie's night to shine, and overall I thought he did a great job. Could he have done better? He11's Bells YES! I would have loved to hear some actual rockers, but I guess I was not that shocked by the other three's choices.

It would have been cool to bring Alice Cooper, Stephen Tyler or Gene Simmons to be the mentor, but alas, it was not to be. Instead, we get Sanjaya, Chicken Little and Space Ace Young. Speaking of ho's, was that Antoiletta Barba in the audience???

At least we didn't have the judges all confused, as the format of the show went back to normal. Last week was a trainwreck that I would soon like to forget.

On to the performances that didn't rock:

1. Cookie Jarvis: Hungry Like the Wolf??? When that song first came out, it was "new wave," not rocknroll. I was stunned when I heard he chose that. However, he changed it up and rocked it out as well as anyone could. I was actually impressed. His second song "Baba O'Reilly" by the Who was spot on and actually fit the genre (in my opinion, of course) better than anything else sung last night. Overall, I am putting him in first for the night.

2. Sloesha Mercenary: She looked fantastic, but after I learned that she was doing "Proud Mary", I think I threw up in my mouth a little. Not only is this song done every freaking season, but it's always the fahrfevnugen Tina Turner version! It's a CCR song for cripes sakes! I hated it, and the song should be banned from the show. Her second song was something I never heard of, (Sam Cook) but it was just AIGHT for me. I appreciate her emotional attachment to it, but again, it is not really a rocker. I am disappointed because I thought she was going to wow us. Hopefully she keeps the straight hair--the doll-head thing is a travesty.

3. Jason Castaway: Dred-boy will be getting a job at the post office, cuz he has MAILED it in. This was by far his worst night, and like Simon, I was pretty irritated. This goofy guy had potential early on, but clearly his mind is not in the game at this point. I think he misses his reefer and hangin out with his other stoner pals. His tortured rendition of "I shot Omar Shariff" was a pile of bovine fecal matter. AND then on his second song "Mr Tambourine Man", he forgot the words (brain cell damage). He recovered, but too little too late. Pack your bags, and your hair, boy--you goin home!

4. The Hobbit: Hey guess what, Archuletta is going with a ballad!! Holy sh*t!!!!!! I am stunned and amazed! Although, solid vocally, as he usually is, the hobbit just bores me to tears. The only thing that keeps me watching, is marveling at why his lips aren't more chapped. What the he11 was he doing with his eyebrows last night?? It reminds me of the muppets on Sesame Street. I think Frank Oz was manipulating Archie's face with wires and hooks. So he sung "Stand by Me" and "Love me Tenderloin", and neither had me jumping for joy. Randy Fatson, again, was stroking the Hobbit excessively this week and needs to be put down.

Randy needs to shut his cakehole--his commentary is about as useful as Paula's liver. Then he made Sloesha cry! Big meanie!

Overall, the Rock and Roll Hall of Shame night was a disappointment, but not a surprise. When Castro is gone, there will be one rocker, one balladeer and one motown r&b singer. At least out of the three of them, Cookie Jarvis is the only one brave enough to mix it up and take risks.

Rankings for Wuss and Roll night:

1. Cookie Jarvis
2. Hobbit
3. Sloesha
4. Postal Boy

I can't even fathom anyone going home tonight that is not named Jason Castro. However, the Hobbit needs to go back to the Shire and learn what rock and roll is. Stay tuned for tonight's Kick Off show, where Frodo and Gandalf are set to perform ballads.

OUT

Virtual Shopping Spree

2008-05-06T15:46:00.000-07:00

Oh my gosh—I have discovered the greatest thing since squeezable mayonnaise! You can actually buy things over the internet! Ok, I will quit pretending that this is a novel idea—I mean let’s be real—internet commerce has been alive and kicking for some time now.

I must admit that the first time I made a purchase online, I was very nervous. Internet security was not as advanced as it is now, and there were these creepy “hackers” everyone kept talking about just waiting to leech onto your credit card numbers. So I made sure I went to a site that had the little shield at the bottom of the screen that “ensured” protection against these world wide weasels. Fortunately for me, my box of 1999 Hockey cards made it to me safely and without incident.

The rest is history. I am now an Internet buying guru. Almost everything I own and most gifts I have purchased have been online. If you can’t find it locally, NO PROBLEM-order it online! I actually do try to support the local businesses as much as possible, but there are just some things you can’t find around here.

For example, the Shamwow towels you might have seen on TV peddled by the ubiquitous Billy Mays, that black-bearded ball of boisterous bullpucky. Well, he sold me, and now I have eight Shamwow towels for the price of four! Yes, I ordered them online and when I ripped them open, I immediately poured an entire glass of orange juice on one, and I’ll be darned, but it soaked up the whole thing and wanted seconds!

I’ve ordered everything from CDs to snowblowers, folks. I have every virtual store bookmarked. Books, shoes, videos, vitamins, outerwear, underwear, socks, shocks, and jocks—it’s all covered and neatly indexed on my computer.

I think this buying online thing is especially great for the male gender. A lot of guys don’t like to go out shopping for stuff, me included. Buying online gives guys the outlet to get guy stuff and never leave the sofa. We can watch football while ordering man shavers and toy cars… you know--those necessities in life.

The best thing about buying online, is that you can get rid of all the junk when you are done with it by selling it on Ebay. If anyone is interested in some towels and a nose hair trimmer, just look up my handle on the internet…

Diamonds in the Rough

2008-04-30T08:40:00.000-07:00

Last night was Neil Diamond night and each singer gets to go twice. This means that Ryan SeaKrust has to hurry the show along. In fact the whole format of the show changed last night, and quite frankly it was a freaking debacle.

No comments from the judges until the 2nd song? What braintrust thought of this? Obviously, they didn't tell Crackhead Paula, who critiqued both of Jason Cass-stroh's songs, when he had only performed one. Paula was so useless last night, they would have gotten smarter commentary from Pauly Shore. The judges clearly were not ready for this new format, and personally, I thought it sucked.

In any event, back to Kneel Diamond. I don't think I've ever seen him live before, so that was pretty cool. All I know is that I used to hear him on my mom's AM radio in the mornings. He does have a nice catalog of material and I was thinking that Cook was going to shine like no other. So, how did the other pretenders do?

1. Jason Castor Oil: More like cast-rated. Very disappointed in Castro last night. His first song, Forever in Blue Jeans, had no oomph to it. It was very soft and cuddly like a pet hamster. I kept waiting for him to growl a little, but as I said before, he doesn't have that in him. His second song was equally flaccid. He sung like he was on valium, or whatever other drug Paula slipped him under the table.

2. AC Cook: Last night Cook had the letters "AC" on his jacket, and it's also on his guitar. His initials are DC. So does that make him an AC DC fan? Ok enough gibberish... Cook was brilliant on both songs last night. This is his competition to lose. I never heard of those songs he did, but it didn't matter--they were freaking great!

3. Brooke Wobbly White: Her first song (I'm a Believer from the Monkees) might go down as one of the worst in TOP 5 history. It was absolutely appalling. I've seen better karaoke at Al's Red Frog. What the f*** was she thinking? Did she not remember Krispy Lee's repulsive version of "8 Days a Week" during Beatles week? This was just as bad, if not worse. She did redeem herself somewhat on the piano song. Still, she is in serious trouble along with Judge Dred.

4. Davey Parched-uletta: The lip licking little man cruised through Sweet Caroline like a dull knife through mayonnaise. In other words, who cares... Davey sure sounds a lot like Christopher Cross (Sailing). Again, blah, blah, blah. Randy should be man-slapped for heaping such praise on this kid. His second song "Coming to America" was soggy and somber. He is the anti-Neil Diamond. I was not happy with this performance. Neil Diamond has a nice growl to his voice, very man-like indeed. This had wuss-factor written all over it. "SORRY!"

5. Syscreecha Mercado: I actually thought her first song was outstanding. If she can pick THAT kind of song every week, she will have momentum to carry her into the finals and one of the Davids will get steamrolled over. David ? vs Syscreecha (can you believe it?) Unfortunately (for her), her second song was a shipwreck. To me it sounded like a funked up motown makeover, and those are a dime-a-dozen in this competition.

Overall, I would say Cook and Syscreecha's stock has gone up after the show. Arghhhuletta's has stayed the same, and Bungalow Brook and Castroh's has gone down hill, like a steaming ball of doggy doo.

Ratings for Diamond Week:

1. COOK, hands down (or up--it aint even close)
2. Syscreecha
3. Starchuletta
4. Wharbling White
5. Cast iron skillet

I just can't picture the top 3 going home tonight. It MUST be Brooke or Castro, and deservedly so. I like Jason, but he just has too many quaaludes in his system to give him the drive to win this thing. Babylon Brooke's song choices and knack for speaking out of turn will end her competition early.

If Brooke goes home, watch out for Syscreecha the next few weeks--she will pick up a lot of Brooke's fan base.

By the way, did anyone see the sign in the crowd for the "man-love" for Simon? That was classic!

OUT

Welcome to Boredway!

2008-04-23T11:27:00.000-07:00

THIS.... is American Insomnia! Last night we were abused by the tiresome sounds of Broadway as our contestants belted out hard-rocking show tunes from Pottsy Webber. Was that Ralph Malph I saw in the audience? Ok, with all due respect to Andrew Lloyd Weber, this was not a show I was looking forward to. Really, I was just curious as to see how Cookie Crisp would do with this genre.

Was it me, or did Paula look absolutely whacked out of her skull? Her hair and makeup were kabuki style with the big red rouge cheeks. Her long-windedness with each contestant bordered on lunacy and filled a steaming pot of verbal empty calories.

In any event, we have the Top 6 doing their best to be Broadway stars--thank goodness for TIVO/DVR because having to watch commercials on top of this borefest would have sent me over the edge...

1. Screecha Mercado: She actually did pretty good here, and goes in my top 2. I want so badly to root against her, but she earned her way to another week. Obviously, this theatrical music stuff is right up her alleyCATS. See you on Broadway Screechy! And thanks for dropping the Doll-head hair for the week.

2. Stony Castro: Holy Dred Lox! Talk about unfreakingcomfortable. What a struggle for our young wolf-eyed stoner. Definitely not his style and way out of his zone. He will be a bottom-dweller tonight, thanks to the geniuses that put this show together. Maybe Pottsy could have helped him pick a more suitable song?

3. Brooke, "no wait, sorry" White: What the f***? "I will sing when I'm good and ready!" Does Bubble-head Brooke think this is a game of Duck-Duck-Goose and can call "do-over!" anytime she wants? This is live TV man!!! This is the second time this has happened--not acceptable on a show of this magnitude. She did recover nicely, but too little too late. Bottom Dweller--"DO OVER!"

4. Daddy's Boy Archuleta: First of all, his dad is creepy. I bet he makes young Bear-hair do vocal training exercises 24x7. Starchy did, you guessed it, a tender ballad. Oh the girlys loved it. I did not. I agree with Simon Scowl here--very forgettable and mundane. Show something new and interesting, you lip-licking, one trick pony keg.

5. Curly Smithson 2.0: Curly has had a style makeover and now cannot be made an example of. However, she still has that annoying constipated look of distress when she belts out the high notes. Her performance of Jesus Christ Superstar was at least peppy and entertaining, but I was distracted by those facial tics. If Starchy has to open his eyes, then Curly has to stop the exlax face. Her Simon t-shirt and the close-up of her significantly inked up other puts her at risk tonight.

6. Da Cook: The only performance that was worth remembering for me. I wasn't sure he could pull this off, but he did. There were some weird parts at the beginning, but overall, it was excellent and different. If he can sing this gibberish, then he should be able to cruise the rest of the way.

In sum, the bookend performers did the best. It was like a sandwich with really good bread, but with rancid meat and moldy condiments. Cookie and Screechy were by far the best performers last night. The middle four were boring and had me snoring.

Rankings for Pottsy Webber night:

1. David Whaz Cookin!
2. Sloesha
3. Curly SmithandWesson
4. Bear-hair Archuleta
5. Bumbling Brooke
6. Dreaded Lock Jason

I am thinking the bottom 3 are going to be: Jason, Brooke, Curly

No DO OVERs tonight, Babbler--you are gone!!!! (but it would not be a shocker if ANY of the three go)

OUT

Mariah's Mental Midgets

2008-04-22T09:02:00.000-07:00

Last night was the dreaded Mariah Carey night, well it was dreaded for me, anyway. As most of you know, I am not interested, nor do I listen to that kind of music. I will acknowledge Mariah's "talents" however. She stacks up with the best of them! ; )

In any event, I was initially thinking if I had to take a day off Idol watching, this would probably be the one. However, I swam through the sludgy muck of sad sappy sodapop silliness, and here I am.

For starters, I am very annoyed with Ryan SeaKrust and his pompous introduction that..... THIS....................is American Idol!!!! It's almost like he is saying, "look at me and my nancy-boy faux-hawk (that pointy hair on top of his dome), I am the Idol! ME, ME, ME!" Shut the F up you little toolbox. In addition, Paula looked stoned again, and she had the bedhead going full bore. Corey Clark?

So on to the performers and their dates with Drew, I mean, Mariah Carey.

1. David Bear-Hair Archuletta: Yawn... Imagine, if you will, bear-hair doing a ballad! Yah, that is what I thought. He's a one trick pony that just happens to do that trick well. What I realized, unfortunately, is that ridiculous powerpuff ballad that the last two finalists get to sing in the Finals, will fall right into his one-trick pony strength (which is a d@mn shame.)...

2. Scary Smithson: She looked better than ever! However, she sounded just okay to me. No doubt talented as anyone, but her song choices, lack of confidence and that goofy strained look she gives when belting wont' help her. In trouble again.

3. Slyesha Murkydo: Old "Doll-head" sung "Vanishing". I wish that is what she would have done, rather than sing this song. So far, I am hating the night and can't wait til "He11's Kitchen" comes on. It was another slow and unoriginal copy, like the last two weeks.

4. Bumbling Brooke Whitehead: Her level of annoying chatterbox keeps elevating, and as I was once a big fan, I am no longer. Not only does she gab like a slot machine, but the cracks are showing in her abilities. She was clearly shaking at the end of her song, and I think she has reached her peak. In addition, I highly doubt she can belt any big notes. In trouble...

5. Krispy General Lee Cook: What a pathetic attempt to countrify and westernize a Mariah Freaking Carey song. As soon as I heard that whiny steel guitar, I knew what she was up to! YER not foolin anyone Krispy Kreem! Krappy and sappy.

6. The talented David... Mr. Cook that is... Welcome back - After his off-week last week, he is back to being brilliant. He makes songs I hate sound listenable. Thank you mister Cook, you beer-bellied belter!

7. The Stoner, Jason Castrol: I am still a fan and although the judges liked, I didn't like it. He is very cool and talented, but like Brook, he cannot belt out any big notes. I am still rooting him on though!!! Go STONER!!!

My first thought after last night's show was, "where the f*** was Mikey Johns???" Thanks a lot America, you dolts! Instead we have the Bumbler, the Doll-Hair and the Krappy Cook.

Fortunately, those three will be YOUR bottom three this week and rightfully so. In fact, they should just have a bottom 6 and call David Cook safe because I really didn't like any of the other six performances. Ooohh, I am such a funhater, aint I?

Rankings for Mariah Scary Night:

1. D C (Da Cook)
2. Stoner Castro
3. Bear Hair
4. Scary Smithson
5. Sloesha
6. Krappy Lee
7. Babbling Brooke

I could care less which of the bottom 3, or even bottom 5 go home after last night. It will most likely be.... BROOKE!!! (they might have to add 30 minutes to the show for the bawling and bumbling about that will take place during her "goodbyes."

OUT

Inspirational Flip-Flops

2008-04-09T12:06:00.000-07:00

Last night's Idol show was kinda weird for me. The theme was "songs that inspire", which could really open up a lot of interesting choices. Some made good choices and some made "unique" choices. The thing that really freaked me out the most, was the singers did a little "flip-flop" as to how they did in their performances, as compared to the last few weeks.

For example, Castro and Krispy Lee were at the top of their games and Dave Cook and Carly had off-nights. You know who else had off-night? Randy Jack*ss and Simon Scowl. Someone must have p*ssed in Mandy's wheaties because he was just a tool last night. And Simon just didn't have a lot to say at all. And then there is sweet little Paula... Not rambling as much lately, probably because Brooke handles that phase of the show now. However, Paula has been pretty accurate as of late, and her nonsensical rantings have subsided considerably.

One other note I must make before the ratings... For those that have been following Idol the last few years, you probably remember Elliot Yamin. Although, I gave him a hard time about his past dental "challenges", he is a good soul and a fantastic singer. You also probably remember his mother, who showed endless support and encouragement for her son throughout the whole season. Claudette Yamin has been battling illness for quite some time. She showed unbelievable passion, support and even a little fire in her belly as she supported Elliot. She was a wonderful person and would make any son proud. Claudette's health finally got the best of her and she passed away a couple weeks ago. She was a great inspiration and her and Elliot's bond really made that season special.

Now on to the AWE or UN inspiring performances from last night...

1. Michael St. Johns Wort: The Outback kid did Aerosmith's Dream On. I thought it rocked up until the end, when he tried too hard to screech the high parts. Sandy Jackson was WAY too hard on him here. It was pretty good and I think a good choice for Mikey. One thing I'd like to see different on Mikey, is for him to stop wearing those preposterous girly scarves! It looks really wussyish and it needs to stop.

2. Syshrieka Murkotto: Again with the nutty hair. She looks fantastic when it's straight, or slightly curled, but the mouse-ka-teer tween look is about as annoying as 8 year-olds at a slumber party. Again, she tackles a song too big for her. It was ok, but no originality.

3. Stoner Castro: Dreadboy is back! Jason was one of my early favorites, so I am hoping this keeps him around. That was a perfect alternative rendition of Over the Rainbow and he hit every note with surgeon-like precision.

4. Kountry Lee Kook: She just bought herself another week and maybe not be in the bottom 3. It was easily her best performance--what the he11 can I say? I want to hurl insults her way, but not much I can do this time--it was good! (Damn her) :)

5. David "Night-off" Cook: Ok, tonight not so good. This was, for me, his worst performance. I know the band Our Lady Peace--it is a love/hate kind of music. I hated this song for him, and it really started off shaky at best, and he unfortunately didn't ever reel me in. Everyone is entitled to an off-night, eh? One other thing---that ridiculous white jacket looked like something you find in an insane asylum, or on Hell's Kitchen.

6. Curly Shuffle Smithson: Carly looked better tonight, but still needs to work on that. They again showed DaVinci's Facebook in the audience scaring all the kids with his fear-inspiring facial "art." As for Carly's performance, it fell short and was disappointing. I agree with some of you that get easily irritated with her facial expressions when she let's loose. It is starting to look more like she's constipated. Stop scrunching your face, you little leprechaun.

7. Bear-Hair Archuleta: I noticed they try to make his hair all matted up on purpose. It looks like bear-hair to me. The song was inspiring to me, as in "yawn-inspiring." Also, did anyone else notice that the piano swallowed him up--I could barely see him! It was like seeing an old granny driving a car and she is looking THROUGH the middle of the steering wheel, trying to see what's in front. Technically, he was good, but certainly not inspiring.

8. Brook S.T.F.U. White: Can someone please train her to shut her yap when done singing? Her mouth and that silly pouty look she has perfected, is going to get her kicked off soon. Honestly, she needs to get her verbal and non-verbal communications skills in order. I guess when you are a nanny, and all you have is interaction with kids, you are going to act like one too. Her song, again, not inspiring and not memorable. She may be in danger here....

Rankings for Perspiration Night:

1. My boy, Dreadlock!
2. Krispy Lee! WTF?
3. Outback Johns
4. Bear Hair Starchuleta
5. Syscreecha
6. Brooke "I'm a Toy Czar Russ kid" White
7. Curly Smithsonian
8. David Cook's not in the kitchen

Again, dare I say that the tables have turned this week. Perhaps the most endangered singers had the most to gain through their inspirational choices? Their songs inspired them to do better than the usual stars. Should make for an interesting bottom 3 tomorrow.

Predictions: Bottom 3: hmmm... I'm going to go with Curly, Brooke and Syscreecha. Krispy gets the comfy couch tomorrow night! I am afraid that Curly may have seen her last week on Idol. No more scrunchy face or terrifying husband!

OUT

I Beg Your Parton

2008-04-03T10:24:00.000-07:00

I was expecting Jane Fonda and Dabney Coleman to make cameo appearances last night on Dolly Night. Perhaps tonight on the "Get your @ss outta here" show.

Dolly Parton, who is about 90 years old was our interim mentor on last night's show. Through the marvels of modern chemistry, time travel, quantum physics, etc, they made her look like she was 30. To her credit, she was very pleasant, kind and was sugary sweet towards the contestants. Dolly is just AIGHT with me ya'll!

However, when it came to the theme of last night, I was a bit confused. Was it country night, or heart-felt song night? What the he11 kind of genre is that? I knew this would not be a flavah I would savah, as both those styles do nuttin' for me. My fears were realized when after the night was over, I was like, "that show sucked." It went from boring to lame to mundane. The singers seemed to do alright for the most part, but the material had all the excitement of liquid paper drying.

So here we go for our Final 9...

1. Shut the F*** up Brooke: About as corny as hash. This reminded me of that sunshine song she did a couple weeks ago with that ghastly yellow zootsuit. And this time we had a ghastly violin player. As Brooke was getting dissed by the judges, she continued to babble back and forth, making me, and I'm sure countless others either uncomfortable or just plain annoyed.

2. Braveheart Cook: Daveheart, if you haven't heard, had to be rushed to a hospital after his song with heart palpitations and high blood pressure (he is fine now). Not only was he the only one remotely close with a "wow" factor last night, but he did while his chest was about ready to explode. Can we just give him the prize now?

3. Lame-iele Mullberry: Another weak-@ssed performance from someone who has really slid since the beginning. I think her confidence has been permanently damaged by this experience. She can sing, but her soft parts last night were barely audible which made the rest of the song suffer.

4. Fidel Castro: Dreadlock Holmes did a pretty good job on "Traveling Through" which is yet another song I never heard of. I am starting to wonder where the he11 they are getting these songs. However, he did a good job as his elixir-like voice wrapped around this tune. He also showed a little more range than usual.

5. Maternity Smithson: Carly needs to stop wearing those trailer-park influenced outfits and start dressing better. That getup was atrocious and Simon was absolutely right to call her out on it. That being said, I thought it was a fantastic rendition of the only Dolly song I can recognize. Oh, and stop showing her husband in the audience---he is so scary, I had to hide under my blanket, until it was safe to come out again.

6. Starchuleta: The aw shucks kid put up a really good vocal performance and it would appear that he has found his niche. It does nothing for me, but it was still good. This just shows how much I am not a fan of this style of music.

7. Kristy is Cooked: This girl has 9 lives. She should have been gone weeks ago, but because she is the lone "country" girl, she will continue to make my ears bleed another week. Nice timing doing country week--it just guarantees she will dis-grace us with her presence longer. And what was up with that gaffy little exchange with Simon at the end?

8. Sloweesha Mercury: Tackled Whitney Houston (who are we kidding--this was a Whitney copy, not Dolly). In any event, I've heard better and I've heard worse. I just wish that I would never have to hear this f***ing song again. It should be banned from the show.

9. Mighty Mike Johns: Best for last? He came pretty close. Another impressive outing for Aussie-boy this week. Let's see if he can continue the ride into next week. Although, I haven't ever heard this song, it was one of maybe three that got my attention.

Overall, I really didn't care for the show last night. Hated the songs and quite frankly, never heard of most of them. Thank goodness for David Cook for at least trying to add his own element .

Ratings for Sappy Country Song night:

1. Cookie Crisp
2. Mikey Johns
3. Carly Goodwill Smithson
4. David Parchuleta
5. Dreadlock
6. Babbling Brooke
7. Slowesha
8. Krispy LEE
9. Lame-ielle

I think the bottom will be Lamielle, Krispy (again), and maybe Castro or Carly in other hot seat.

I'm thinkin we say buh-bye to Lamielle tonight.

OUT

Time to Slash the High Cost of Living

2008-04-02T22:27:00.000-07:00

It’s time to get those shears out and start snipping. The cost of living and levels of inflation that are making us so uptight are making their malevolent presence known.

Let’s not forget the dreaded “R” word which we have heard on TV and seen in the papers…RECESSION. Apparently, we are in the midst of one.

Now here is a new word I just learned… “Stagflation.” According to money market managers at Reuters, “stagflation” is a combination of stagnation and inflation, which translates to periods of rising prices coupled with stalled growth.

As some or most of you know, the housing industry is hurting right now. It’s really hard to sell a house! Some of you struggling to unload your properties may have to throw in a car or two, maybe an SUV and a Harley to entice buyers to fork over their precious dollars. In other words, you will have to INFLATE your house, or it will STAGNATE.

The fact of the matter is, after five years of steady growth, the U.S. economy has slowed dramatically, in part because the collapse of a speculative bubble in housing. In many markets, home prices that had nearly doubled from 2002 to 2005 have subsequently declined by up to 30 percent.

Furthermore, the troubles in the U.S. housing sector spilled over into global markets last August, causing a severe contraction in credit and billions of dollars in bank losses.

I am no Economist and I didn’t stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night, but all that talk makes me very self-conscious about my money. Stagflation? I don’t want any part of that noise!

What can I do in the meantime to ride this stagflated recession out?

· Play Powerball: Someone’s gotta win—why not me?
· Share your Pet’s food: Most of the stuff in dog food is good eats!
· Work Three Jobs: If I work 24x7, I will be less distracted to spend money.
· Monopoly $: Pay my kid’s allowance with Monopoly money—does he really know the difference?
· Hitchhike to work: Use someone else’s gas, give them 1990’s Chuck-E-Cheez tokens as a thank-you gesture.
· Heat ‘N Eat: bring your grill indoors and light it—you can cook and be warm, thus killing two birds with one stone.
· Re-use Water: Leave the bath water in the tub and just add more soap each time!

Now there is good news and a happy ending to all of this. According to the National Bureau of Economic Research, the U.S. economy cycles through regular intervals of expansion and contraction. Typically, after a recession that lasts, on average, between six months to two years, the economy expands for a period of six to ten years.

In the meantime, learn what you can to avoid the evil grip of stagflation. Put the “recess” back into “recession” and have some fun!

It Was Pitchy in Parts...

2008-03-26T11:14:00.000-07:00

Last night's Idol show had our performers singing songs from the year they were born. Thanks a lot American Idol for making me feel like a f**king old man! In any event, I figured it would be a rehash of 80's week, which was true, except in the case of our resident Outbacker Michael Long Johns. He was born in the 70s, and thank goodness for that. More about that later...

Overall, the show was somewhat disappointing. Only a few decent performances and the rest were ho-hum. I actually had to replay Slowesha Mercado and Chexmix Eze's songs cuz I dozed off. As Simon would say, "Sorry!" and not really mean it. HA!

One of parts of the show I liked was the old pictures and video of these kids when they were little tykes and tykettes. That was pretty cool, for a change. The most annoying part of the show was listening to Randy Jerkson keep saying "pitchy". It is like a freaking broken record--is that the best they can come up with? "It was pitchy in parts", "it was pitchy at first", "it was a little pitchy", "started off a little pitchy", etc, etc. How about you get off your fat @ss and learn some new music terminology? I would normally not be so hard on dear Randy, but he was a forking blowhard last night. He must have ran out of frosting and cheese sauce.

Enough about Dr. Pitchyfit... Let's get to the contestants!

1. Romeo Lullaby: poor little Romeo---she was sick, which is another excuse for another blah performance. She has nine freaking lives! I'm pretty sure she will survive this week, but BARELY. Her rendition of Heart's Alone was flaccid in comparison to Carrie Underwood's or even Carlys... In addition, the shorts she was wearing made her look like Earl Campbell.

2. Jason Wolf-Eyes Castrate: Breadlocks has been one of my faves so far in the competition. However last night dropped him down a notch. Although "Fragile" is a nice Sting song, this made me just sit there with a blank expression. Cmon man--you can do better!! Jason MIGHT be in danger this week. Of course he probably don't care--have you ever seen a more easy-going cat?

3. Sussudio Mercotta: Back to the silly curly mickey mouse hair and back to boring me to mouse-ka-tears. Keep your hair straight, will ya? Her performance was like a shot of sleep-inducing morphine. She will probably stick around though.

4. Jacuzzi Eaze: Another song I never heard of (If only for One Night). I had to inject myself with adrenalin, caffeine, NoDoz, Jolt Cola, Espresso, and Chuck Norris DNA to stay awake during this snorecore. He had two good weeks that were completely undone by this slow, limp and listless performance. On top of that, he snapped back to the judges again. Jacuzzi may be in trouble!

5. Bumbling Brook White: She babbled uncontrollably last week, but this week was a bumble, as in she bumbled the beginning of that song. However, nice recovery and then she actually did a pretty good job on the song. If it wasn't for the bungling bumbling, it would be top 3. Brooke still needs to learn to shaddap after she is done.

6. Michael Olivia Fig Newton Johns: Thank you Mikey for being born in 1978! Not only is it closer to my age, but it also provided you with just the right song to get your sorry australian @ss back in the race! The "Rock You" part was just ok, but the "We are the Champion" section was masterful.

7. Snarly Smithson: First of all, one of my faves from Idols past Jessica Sierra did this song perfectly. Carly did just as well, if not better. I thought Randy Jerkson was unfair and quite picky (pitchy?) in his critique. Yah, ok her hubby is f**king creepy looking, but why punish her? Her horrid blue maternity dress she wore last week got her in bottom 3, so hopefully that trend will change.

8. Davey Farfegnugen: Golden Archie is still popular with the teenyboppers, but has gone down considerably with me. WHY? Because he picks horrible songs. What the f*** was that song he picked last night? It reminded me of some ghastly carnival with animated creatures running around. Ok, those are Simon's words, but they are indeed accurate. I personally felt, as the cheesy disco handclaps slapped my brain senselessly, as though I was watching a fake Disney movie, and Starchuletta's song was the theme. I was expecting Simba, Dopey, and Thomas the Tanked Engine to come out and dance on the stage. This was a circus of silliness.

9. Krusty Lee Kook: Nice patriotic song. It was just nice, nothing else to say. It was probably a smart choice for Krusty, but she is still a pretender.

10. David Daughtry Cook: Absolutely brilliant and executed to perfection. Cookie did "Billie Jean", but obviously not that weirdo Michael Jackson's version. You would have to be naive to think that Cookie is composing these himself. He is merely following the Chris Daughtry school of Song Choice Manipulation. He takes a remake of the original, and does that version. It works great and it fits his style. Some people call it cheating or bending the rules--I call it SMART COOKIE! Easily the best of the night...

Rankings for YEAR you were BORN:

1. Duh, Cookie Crisp
2. Mikey Johns
3. Snarly Smithson
4. Bungled Brooke
5. Susudio Mercardo
6. Davey Scorchaletta
7. Krusty Lee Kook
8. Jason Castrate
9. Romeo Mullberry
10. Chick McGee Eze

I think the bottom 3 will be just how I have them, with Chickadee or Romeo getting the boot. Personally, I think it SHOULD be Krusty, but she will be spared one more week by the redneck horse and gun people, as well as he unabomber's support circle.

OUT

Blowin the Socks off Simon!

2008-03-19T10:26:00.000-07:00

Krispy Lee Cook said she would "blow the socks off" Simon. After she said it, she and Ryan SeaKrust giggled about the multiple interpretations that this phrase represents. It was just one of many uncomfortable exchanges the contestants had with Simon last night.

Is it me, or was Simon Scowl in a piss-poor mood? He went beyond his normal arrogant dismissals and really laid the wood on these poor kids. Well, except for Davey Archulettuce. Archie performed to "master-class" levels on his sappy "long and winding road". If you ask me, it was the most boring performance of the night. The song should have been called, "The long-winded and long-winding road to curing insomnia."

Overall, the song choices were interesting and I will go against the judges and say I rather enjoyed most of them and I was entertained (dammit)! Yah, many of the performers didn't do as well as they did last week, but last week was pretty exceptional. How can you top what can't be topped? In any event, here are the breakdowns for the evening...

1. A man da Overdrive: Elvira rocked it out with "Back in the USSR" and even though it was raw and rough in parts, I liked it! Of course, I am biased due to my preference in musical genres. That being said, it was pretty good, but not great. She sassed Simon and told him she didn't care if she played in a bar in some BF town in the middle of nowhere.

2. Krappy Lee Cook: I don't care how good she looks--this was a horrid performance and vocal. I could barely recognize "You've got to Hide your Love Away" after she took her tone-deaf scalpel from he11 and carved this Beatle song into audio gristle. Please Hide and GO away!

3. Davey Arghhhuleta: ARGGGHHH, another maple syrup coated ballad. Yes, it was good and he did redeem himself from last week's catastrophe. The little chicks dig him though--how can anyone compete against that? Teen girls should have their cell phones taken away every Tuesday night.

4. Queensland Shrimp Michael: The Aussie tackled a pretty difficult song with "A Day in the Life." Again, maybe it wasn't freaking awesome, but I was entertained and the arrangement was really unique. I think the judges were too hard on Outback jack this time around. And I am one of his biggest critics! Still, he hasn't connected with the perfect song yet.

5. Babbling Brooke White: The name really fits this week, as she wouldn't shut the f*** up after the song was over. I really like Brooke, but even she got on my nerves this time. First of all, the song was atrocious. Secondly, the yellow dress to me, represented cheese, not the sun. And thirdly, the dancing and hand movements reminded me of some doped out 60's hippee chick running around a field while on a bad acid trip. Hopefully, this is her "off" week.

6. David Lee Cookie: His vocals get better every week and this week was no exception. I normally don't even like the song "Day Tripper", but Cook's version was incredible. UNTIL that godforsaken voicebox came into play. I think it ruined the song for him and it lost the momentum David had built. Again, Simon was being a little pr*ck, but at least Cookie didn't talk back this time.

7. Carl E. Smithson: Did anyone see her husband in the audience? I'd like to see him interview for a job outside of Tattoo Artist, Bartender, Serial Killer. To each their own I guess, but WOW, that man is painted up! In any event, Carly was fantastic yet again on a really hard song (Blackbird). Of course, Oscar the Cowell came out of his garbage can and tossed bird poo her way. Sorry Simon, I agree with you most of the time, but yer just being a DIK now.

8. Hemp-head Castro: (hey I gotta come up with something new, eh?) Hempy did a really weird song, one that I never heard of. Usually, I frown upon that, but this cat continues to pique my interest. His goofy grin and silly interviews probably get him votes, but I also think he's pretty effing talented. That being said, this song (Michelle My Belle) was just AIGHT with me DOG.

9. Sushi Mercury: Sushi looked fantastic last night and I stopped disliking her for a moment. She also did a very emotional version of "Yesterday" and she really sold me on it. I'm not a huge fan, but I thought it was a very touching performance. Now please leave your hair alone and quit putting it in that Mickey Mouse 'fro!

10. Chicks Squeeze-me Eze: It would be hard to top what he did last week (which was fantastic), but I'll be darned--he pert near pulled it off! I really hated the beginning of this song (I've Just Seen a Face), and if he would have continued singing it ballad-style, I would have punched Chikadee in the pouch for murdering a fun song. To my delight, he kicked it into high gear and blew it out! Again, the song would have been much better without the weird harmonica thing.

11. Romeo Makoshark: I almost forgot about her... After Chicky sung, I was like, "hey, who the he11 is left???" That is how forgettable Ramielle has become. She is such a sweety, but song choices have been her undoing. Her choice of songs this week is very fitting... "I Should have Known Better." The answer is YES. Nice performance, but again, I can't really remember much.

So, I really liked the show and I thought everyone did a pretty good job (except Krappy Lee) but nothing was THAT exceptional.

Rankings for Beatles Night II:

David Cookie Jarvis
David Arghhuleta
Carl E. Smithson
Chik Squeeze Me
Sushi Mercado
Hemp-boy Castro
Mikey Long Johns
Babbling Brook OCheese
Amanda Overdrive
Rameel Malokar
Krappy Lee Cook

There were 10 decent performances last night and ONE crummy one. That makes a pretty good Top 10 for the tour. The bottom 3 will be....

Krappy Lee Cook, Amanda Overdrive, Rameel Malokar with FINALLY Krappy going home (she can blow Simon's socks later)!

OUT

2 Many Cooks in the Kitchen

2008-03-12T12:31:00.001-07:00

It's the freakin Top 12, and we are exposed to the new stage design by that little fart-sniffer Brine Seacrust. Of course we had to endure his bombastic yet montonous declaration that "THIS.......is American Idol!' again. He then proceeded to get under Simon Scowl's botoxed skin. Not sure what their deal was last night, but what a couple of nancys.

The other big announcement was that this was Lennon and McCartney songbook night. The money must have been right this time. I must say that this brought some much needed fresh air to the program and meant that we didn't have to endure another Arethra, Gladys, Celine or Whitney debacle. Thank YOU Idol Producers! I also noticed that the performers gave back their baseball pants to the Dodgers, and were actually dressed pretty appropriately.

THIS.... is your Top 12...

1. Sushi Marketo: Suisha looked better than ever, but she sounded pretty average on "Got to get you back into my life." It was serviceable and better than last week, but dull.

2. Jacuzzi Eazy: All I can say about McChicky is that this was pretty d@mn entertaining. I was impressed by the range of performance and the arrangement was unique. Is he finally getting it?

3. Schlemiel Mallubay: He stock has dropped like Enron. She ruled the Top 24, but now that it has been cut in half, so has her talent. She has a pretty voice, but it got stuck in the dregs of mediocrity. This performance of "in my life" had as much excitement as a plastic milk jug.

4. Drednaught Castrol: Jason is becoming one of my favorites. Normally this kind of song would put me to sleep, but he infused such an eclectic sound and vibe to what he does, it's infectious.

5. Carly Smithandwesson: Irish Cream of the Crop, folks! Absolutely brilliant. Her rendition of "come together" could be on the frickin' radio today. She reminded me of Kelly Clarkson, which was later validated by Simon, as he said likewise.

6. David Soulpatch Cook: At first, I didn't like how this "Elenor Rigby" started out. It seemed that the lyrics and music were going at different speeds. Then Cookie started kickin' @ss and takin' names and ended the song like he had a pair! NICE!

7. Babylon Brooke White: Another one of my favorites--like Castro, she feels the music and her performances are personal. Another absolutely sublime performance by our nutty nanny.

8. Strippy boy Hernanditz: What a farking fiasco. Dippendale dopey pranced around the stage like burlesque queen. His silly little runs and over-singing on "I saw her standing there" was downright grotesque.

9. Amana Colony Overmyer: She didn't look as good as last week, but almost sounded as good. I think she picked a good song (albeit one I never heard before), and it seemed to suit her grungy, dirty, rocknroll nasty chick persona.

10. Mikey Outback Long Johns: Pretty ho-hum, but decent rendition of "across the universe", but I'll give him props for not screaming at us on high notes. The song didn't have ANY high notes, of course, but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt.

11. Krispy Creme Cook: "The other Cook" needs to butt out of the kitchen. This twangy nightmare of a Beatles classic makes Yoko Ono sound good. Krispy has proven to be nothing more than a redneck barbie. This was like a ghastly (as Simon would say) hillbilly wedding song.

12. David Plastic Archuletas: Two weeks ago, I called him Golden Boy. Now he is the boy in the plastic bubble. I think he had air bubbles on the brain as he marauded "we can work this out." Clearly, he CANNOT work this out, other than forgetting the lyrics, bungling, mumbling and stammering like a spoiled obese child wanting his buttercakes. It sounded like he had marshmallow pies stuck in his jowls as he flubbered about like a sleestack on qualudes.

Ok, so pretty good night, eh? Well for the most part, it was just aight. The last two performers were the worst of the evening, and it's not even close. Kudos to Idol for doing something different with the genres. Kudos to about four of the singers who made great impressions and Kudos granola snacks to the rest of the yahoos.

Rankings for Beatles Night:

1. Curly Smithson
2. Babbly Brooke
3. Dreadlock
4. The Cook that rocks
5. Mike Alice Springs Chicken Johns
6. Jacuzzi Floozy
7. Amana Radarange Overmyer
8. Sushi Mercado
9. Ramada Inn Mulaba
10. Chippendip Hernandouche
TIE:
12a. Krispy Kreme Cook
12b. Styrofoam Archuletas

Who's going home??? Well it won't be mushmouth Archuleta, so I would have to say the Cook is leaving the building. Or the Stripper... or Sushi Mercado? What do you think???

OUT

Sellin' Your Soul--That's a wrap!

2008-03-07T11:39:00.001-08:00

By now, most of you have heard of the show, "Moment of Truth." If you haven't, it is a Reality TV game show in which contestants come on and answer extremely personal questions in front of millions, including their close family and friends. Prior to actually being taped for the show, the contestants were given lie detector tests about their personal lives. So when the questions get asked during the show, their answers and results from that lie detector test had already been recorded. In any event, they have to answer these questions in order to win money. The more money on the line, the harder the questions get.

On a recent broadcast of this voyeuristic show, a married woman was the contestant. Her husband, mom, dad and sister were there to offer support and interaction (intentional, of course, as they are referred to often in the questions). The show must really own some great shovels, as they dig up unfathomable amounts of dirt on these people.

So, back to the trainwreck, I mean show... The 26 year old housewife then proceeds to start answering "yes" or "no" to the questions. The first one was, "have you ever stolen money from a job?" "Uhhh yes", she quipped. And then she started clapping, and her parents and husband clapped, and the crowd roared their approval that the girl was a thief. HUH? Oh, they're only clapping 'cuz she got it right! Yes, that makes it okay then. Carry on!

The show then decided it was time to break up her parents. They asked her, "Do you have any secrets about your dad that your mom doesn't know about?" The parents then looked at each other like they had six eyeballs and snakes for hair. Of course the crowd erupted in applause, because her jackpot was on the rise.

At any given moment, the contestant can opt out and pocket the money, but our bubbly housewife wanted to keep playing. Her husband and family continued to egg her on to keep going as well, not cognizant of the damage that this game was inflicting upon them.

The next batch of questions had to do with her marriage... Oooooh you should have taken the money and ran! She then proceeded to answer YES to the following questions... 1. Are you mad at your husband? 2. Are you married to the wrong man? 3. Have you ever cheated on your husband while married? YES, YES, YES. I was instantly reminded of the good old Jerry Springer days when dirty laundry was on parade in all its glory.

So now that her marriage was over and her parents won't speak to each other, what else is there? Well there's the money, sweet, sweet money. All she had to do was answer one more question. And this question was an EASY one... "Do you consider yourself a good person?" She mulled it over for a bit, then said, "Yes, I think I am." HAHAHA! The crowd and I both erupted with laughter on that one. What planet does she come from? In any case, the correct answer, the answer that was officially recorded at her initial lie detector test was "NO." She answered YES and therefore got it wrong and lost every dollar she had earned by tearing her family apart.

Now a great many people are blaming the show for what it does. I, however, am not in that camp. These people KNOW what questions are going to be asked, so they know fully what they are getting into. It’s time for people to take some personal responsibility and stop looking for the easy way out. Are a few dollars and 15 minutes in the spotlight worth destroying relationships? In this woeful case, Karma was coming, and hell came along with it.

Ladies kill 80s

2008-03-07T06:07:00.000-08:00

It's the girls' turn to get down to the 80's and expectations were high, especially after having to suffer through a meaningless ISU/Missouri basketball that went into two overtimes---thanks a lot, f****ing Mediacom! Ok, a penny for the swearjar...

In any event, the night was pretty good, nothing really horrendously bad, and a couple or three really good performances. The majority, however, were just merely audio window dressing. Paula "Meth-baby" Abdullah was being whacky again and sputtering nonsense throughout the evening. Honestly, what the he11 is going on with her? She started out the show as a normal person, and once again, she has transitioned into a warbling cousin "it."

Oh by the way, HEY ladies, the Yankees called----they want their baseball pants back. What in the wide world of sports is up with all the baseball pants, cargo shorts, & coaching shorts in this competition? I didn't wear those things in the 80s or any other decade. (thank goodness). I can't wait til Strippyboy Hernandez comes out in cuffs and a Speedo.

Now without further ado the 80's killers:

1. India'h Epperson: Asia did just an ok job on an annoying song. I really hate that song and that kind of music in general. How do I really feel? There is only one more song that could probably irritate me more... (stay tuned)

2. Caddy Annoy: Kaddy tried to tackle a Queen song, and succeeded in getting ran over by a bus. Why is she still here? Time to go back to Ken, Barbie.

3. Amana Bachman Turner Overmyer: Rocket Nurse had the comeback of the week on both the hair AND the performance! As Slymon Scowl said, it was fantastic and she picked the perfect song. I thought she was gone last week, but she will have to pick perfect songs every week to be taken seriously.

4. Snarly Smithson: The Irish tattoo belted out that song from the Chrysler Crossfire commercial. I didn't know that was an 80's song. I think she was trying to out-Dion Celine. She is polished beyond her peers and she seems to pick decent songs. Consistency will be key.

5. Kung Fu Kowgirl Kristy: She did a wise thing and incorporated the country element into this whiny little Journey song. It was better than her usual yawn-inspiring insignificance, but is still feeble and forgettable.

6. Ramada Mallofamerica: Little baseball-pant wearing smurf was great her first week. Oh my how she has fallen. She killed me last night. Why? Go back to the first girl and read the last sentence again. This forking song is done every single season, ad nauseum. When I hear "Take a look at me now", my head starts to swell, I get hives and break out. My temperature rises enough to melt polar icecaps. This song should be retired from the show and from the universe, banished to oblivion, or a black hole.

7. Babbling Brooke: At first I didn't think she had a chance of making it this far. However, she is choosing songs and changing things up brilliantly. This is how you win, folks! It is clear she is doing her homework and paying attention. Brooke is turning into one of my faves. Her unplugged take on Pat Benatar was freshtastic.

8. Sigh Eesha Mercantile: Sigh Eesha likes to grab attention--she has been choosing songs that let her skate by, and then hit a few big notes that people will notice. You can't fool me sister!!!! I believe she is using her acting experience to overdramatize her singing and make it look like she is kickin' @ss. You an fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time. BUT you can't fool Mother Nature.

So for me, the best of the evening was Carly and Brooke, and an awesome comeback from Nurse Ratchet. Space Kadet is OUTTA here, or America is stoopider than I thought.

Ratings for 80's:

Wild Irish Carly
Brooke em Dano
Nurse Jett
Asia Minor
Sigh Eesha
Kung Poo Kristy
Ramada Inn Mullaby
Kaddy Shak Malloy

Kaddywhoompus is going home for sure--see ya!! It will be a toss up for who else gets tossed. I think Ramada is in trouble, but so is Sigh Eesha. Let's see if America f**ks it up again! (reminder to visit swear-jar again)

OUT

Wake up (before you go-go) McStubbly!

2008-03-05T11:54:00.000-08:00

Last night, we were treated with sonic abuse as the boys ripped into the 80's genre with the power of tofu. I was an 80's kid, so I was really looking forward to what the lads would perform. To sum it up succinctly, I wasn't lovin the song choices. There were two notably good performances and the rest of them reached the impressive levels of "blah" or "yadda". In fact, they didn't even deserve the other 2 blahs, or yaddas.

One other thing that I must point out is that Paula Abdullah Oblongata was completely whacked out on Meth last night. Her non-stop bumbling buffoonery set the bar for setting the English language back 8000 years when Cave dwellers went around saying "oomph" and "bwokk" She studdered and stammered and ranted nonsensically after every performance. Am I the only one to notice?

Ok, so let's talk 80's music...

1. Puke Menard: How much longer can Helium-boy last? His girly-man rendition of an already wussy song made me want to hurl. If McStubbly lasts another week, I will pull my eyelid hair out.

2. Golden Archuleta: Although the vocal performance was impressive and near flawless, I must agree with Simon Scowl that his song choices are in danger of getting depressing. Need to lighten up Archie!!!

3. Fanny Norigaya: Fanny-boy, let's just face it, he is from an alternative lifestyle (nothing wrong with that). But I think he flaunts it quite profusely with his nutty hand and body language and the way he vents and whines. His version of Tainted Love was tainted, and I didn't love it. I do think he has good vocals, but his song choices are cheesy.

4. Chippendale Hernandez: David, as recently reported, used to be a stripper (see pic below). I look at him, and think... what kind of paint or stain? In any event, his full frontal onslaught of a song I never heard of was plain jane at best. YAWN....

5. Outback Mike J: Not sure what happened to this guy, but I would not put him as an early favorite anymore. Great song choice, but his high notes, like last week, bordered on yelling and not tuned very well.

6. Dave "short order" Cook: After the little attitude adjustment from last week (don't argue with Simon), Cookie Crisp is back with a vengeance adding some welcome rough edges to Lionel Ritchie. And it worked like a freakin charm. Best of the night, easily. Hands down.

7. Deathlok Castro: The Dred Patrol will be in full force when Jason gets closer to the Finals. As I've said earlier on, this guy is a huge talent (like Blake from last year). He is artistically the best in the competition. If he can keep tossing musical curveballs and do them well, he will go a ways.

8. Chickezie McNugget: After the last two guys went, this performance was as empty as Paula's head. Absolutely boring and irrelevant. Gary Coleman v2 has toned down the attitude, but could if be too late? I have no desire to see or hear any more of his whiny soul atrocities.

As I mentioned earlier, only two singers made a positive impact on me... Cookie and Dred-boy. The rest of the bunch need to bring their game next week because they are all mired in the middle of the pack (except Puke Save Big Money at Menard). He is a goner.

Ratings for this week:

1. Short Order Cook
2. Deathlock Castro
3. Golden Archuleta
4. Outback Mike
5. Chip'nStrip Hernandez
6. Fanny Norigaya
7. McChicken Eze
8. Puke Menard

Predictions: Last week, America got it WAY wrong with the ladies. Vote for the Worst is at it again. However, I don't think anything will save Puke Home Depot this time. The other dude going home SHOULD be McWheezy Eze, but I got a feeler that says America will surprise us again.

OUT

Girls suckin' in the 70's

2008-02-28T15:15:00.001-08:00

I was really looking forward to last night's performances, it being 70's week and all. However, with the exception of two performers, it was a catastrophic calamity. The girls didn't bring it at all, and once again (I sound like a freaking broken record), it comes down to making the right decisions on song choice.

The most memorable thing about last night's show was seeing one of my favorite contestants completely and totally self-implode on stage. It may have been one of the worst Top 24 performances in the history of the show. Of course, you guessed it--I am referring to Amanda Bachman Turner Overmeyer. Nurse rocket looked more like Lilian from the Munsters--the hair was both appalling and cadaverous. Was this American Idol, or Elvira--Mistress of the Dead?

I believe Carly the Leprechaun Smithson has put herself in the driver seat for the women. The other girls will have to do some serious soul-searching if they want to stay in it!

Now enough of that introductory drivel--on to the clown parade!

1. Carly Simon Smithereenson: The wild Irish bartender took on Ann Wilson and did a pretty masterful job. Great song choice and solid performance---it could be a good night for the ladies!

2. Cyanide Mercado: Her baby imitation was the highlight of her night. The song was indulgent, but came across as boring. Maybe go back to acting and picking up sea shells.

3. Babbling Brooke White: Blondie is a beauty school dropout---sweet. Judging by that sad haircut to her husband, it's probably a good thing. Great song choice as she covered Carly Simon's Your So Vain, and then she sung it to Simon---brilliant! Good performance and the guitar playing was nice.

4. Romulan Lullaby: The little smurf wore baseball pants AGAIN, but wasn't anywhere near as good as she was last week. She is still a contender I think, but needs to kick some @ss next week or she'll be in trouble.

5. Kung Pao Kristy: Tomboy torture. Kristy ho-hummed us a non-challenging song that literally gave us NOTHING to remember. Very boring and as dull as Simon's fashion sense. She will need to focus on country to stick around.

6. Elvira Frankenstein: Back to Lilian Munster: Not sure who is helping her with song choices and hearing her auditions, but they should be forced to drink paint. This was a disaster of epic proportions and that is too bad because I was rooting for her. I am still reeling from this macabre mayhem. When did they hire Tim Burton as makeup and hair artist?

7. Ahh-laina Underwood Jr.: Did an old Grease song by Olivie Fig Newton John. It was just aight with me dog. I think she is very talented, but she was kind of all over the map on this one. Sometimes too soft, sometimes too loud. Not WOWED.

8. Alex And Ray Ahhh Lush Ing Ton: The song was lame then, and is still lame now. How did she come to pick this bowzer of a song? And who dressed her last night? Canteen boy? Those cargo shorts were a goofy eyesore. The night is turning into a big disappointment.

9. Katty Mall-Annoy: She needs to just start imitating people again, because her own voice is wickedly flaccid. I've heard field mice sing better than this. She should just stick to standup comedy and/or opera. This competition is way too big for her. I think she's gone this time.

10. Asia "don't call me fant-asia" Schwepperson: Took on a huge song and got it partially right, but not right enough. I still like her and think if she gets the song choices right, she could go a long way.

All in all, a very disappointing 90 minutes of mediocrity. Ricky and band are shaking their heads after last night. They could have been home doing laundry or cleaning tile or something more constructive. Carly and Brooke get tonight's honors, the rest need to get a clue or leave with some dignity.

Rankings for last night:

1. Carlee O'McSmithson
2. Brooke Babbler

Tie between:

3. Fant Asia
4. Romulean
5. Alame-ah
6. Alexand Ray A
7. Slowesha
8. King Pao Kristy

Bottom Feeders:

9. Katty M'Annoy
10. Elvira Munster

I think it will for sure be Katty, but not convinced we've seen the last of Nurse Noose. Slowesha Mercotto and KungFu Kristy might fall as well. What do you think?

OUT

Golden Arch-Uletas

2008-02-27T13:33:00.000-08:00

Folks, there's a yute movement (What's a Yute?) going on at American Idol Inc... And its name is David Archuleta. The 17 year old young'un blew by the competition in a tepid 70's night ho-down. His landslide victory serves notice to the other yahoos that they better get their sh*t together. This group has great potential, but once again, I say it comes down to song choice. The 70's decade of music should have given the competitors a great selection to choose from, but from top to bottom, it had the sonic equivalent of mayonnaise pie.

Now on to the individual doofus parade:

1. Outback Mike: The aussie tennis god sung Fleetwood Mac. It was not his best and his high notes were excruciating. He will be safe, but needs to pick up his game.

2. Dreadlock Castro: Put your hair and your guitar away and sing something memorable man!!! Dreds arguably has the most amount of talent on the show but as kind, medicated Paula said, he needs to sing it to bring it.

3. "Luke, I'm your FATHER" Menard: McStubbly is in an Acupuncture Boy Band. His high pitched wails and nashing of his 5 o'clock shadow won him no points with me, or the judges. Although Queen is a tough song to mimic, he version was merely annoying.

4 Poser Robbie Carrotglow: The judges still think he is a fake rocker. I'm not sure what to think, but he did a pretty vanilla version of Foreigner's Hot Blooded. He did not blow me away, and as a so-called rocker, ya gotta do just that.

5. Fruity Norieggnog: Another talented voice picking the wrong song for 2 weeks in a row. He/she thought about it wayyyy too much and it came across as tortured and grotessque. I was scraping cheese from my TV screen after this loony tune. His reactions to the judges are classic and hilarious.

6. Daisy Hernandez: Daisy used to be a gymnast in his past life. I thought this guy was toast after last week, but he redeemed himself with his performance. I am not really familiar with that song, but he sold it. Now, what the he11 is up with the hoodie and black blazer combination??

7. Skunky Yeagerbomb: Very vapid remake of the Doobies. I can't see him sticking around, but WTF do I know? His hammy theatrics and stage movement reminded me of a 6th Grade play. This was a stinker.

8. Chik-fil-a Eze: Another redemption last night as Chicko-stick did a very decent job on "I believe". I think the jury is still out however, and he is by no means safe. Also, he argues with Simon, which is never a good thing.

9. Crossword Cook: The scruffy-headed rocker is the real deal when it comes to rockin the house. However, he has the personality of an hemorraging disc. Just cuz you're a word nerd, doesn't mean you have to be a rude dude with a 'tude. And if you want to stay in the race, STOP arguing with Simon!!! DOLT!

10. The Golden Boy: Aww shucks, what's not to like about this kid? He is polite, kind, humble, respectful and loaded with talent. That makes him an anomaly in my book. His rendition of Lennon was moving and masterful. Archuleta for President!

So there ya have it---the bar has been set by "da kid". Good luck to the rest of you, because you will need it. I am hoping next week is 80's week (seems to be the pattern) and let's hope and pray no one picks a disco or latin song. I will choke anyone who sings "conga" or "rhythm's gonna get ya". Pick the right songs kids!

Rankings for this week:

Golden Arch
Daisy Hernandez
Crossword Cook
Chick-Fil-A Eze
Aussie Mike
Dreadlock Castro
Poser Carrico
Danny Norry Eggnog
Luke Save big $ at Menard
Jason Yeagermeister

If Skunky Yeager and Mcstubble Menard last another week, I am screaming conspiracy! However, Danny Eggnog and Chik Fleezy are not safe either.

Barbies on Barbituates

2008-02-21T15:52:00.000-08:00

The Top 12 women performed last night, and had a high bar to reach due to the solid performances by the guys. Unfortunately, they failed to deliver anything other than mediocrity. Oh sure, there were a few good ones, but most ranged from dopey to mopey.

One of the first things I noticed about our ladies, was the Barbie Doll syndrome. The resemblance to super models and magazine covergirls was pretty significant. Not a big fan of the performers that get by on looks, and I think we have a few that meet that criteria.

Again, it was 60's Night, and to me, most of the songs were insipid ballads that seemed to last 10 minutes each. Overall, a show that was dull and about as exciting as shortbread cookies.

On to the prom queens:

1. Karate Kristy Cook: Yawn... very boring, safe and unforgettable. Barbie 1 was a one trick pony in the prelims, relying on Amazing Grace TWICE to get to where she is. Someone give her some money to buy her horsey back.

2. Ernest Borgninella: The "plus size" model (I didn't make this up--those are her words!). I'm afraid that I really despised this song and her voice was pretty feeble last night. Not sure she'll stick around...

3. Alaina Underwood JR. Whitaker: Carrie's little sister, so that makes her Scout, right? She just turned 17, but turned in a solid performance. Finally, a Barbie that can sing--thank you!

4. Amanda Bachman Turner Overmyer: The Nurse Ratchet-Rocker kicked some @ss with that rock piece. Although, I didn't really care for the vocal performance, I think she will get by this time. She took a big risk, especially with that horrendous "scattin" attack. Please, never again!!!

5. Amy Ann B Davis: How can I f**k that name up? She had a nice, velvety delivery of a very boring song. I think her voice is fantastic, but song choice may doom her this early, which is unfortunate. Cripes people, don't you understand by now??? SONG CHOICE!

6. Babbling Brooke White: Giddy Brooke is an enigma on this show, which is why she must survive. I don't think the voice or performance was outstanding, but she has a great attitude and adds an eclectic slice to the Idol pie.

7. Alex ANDREA Lushingtonbirminghamtonson: Too many frickin' syllables in that name and Ryan Sea-crushed it into oblivion. She set his @ss straight though.. I was expecting some mundane Gladys or Arethra number, but was pleasantly surprised by the vocal and actually very impressed with the performance. Props to you!

8. Kadyshack Malloy, aka Barbie 3, The Britney impersonator was absolutely anemic with that lazy performance. If she didn't resemble Carmen Elektra, she would be immediately forgotten and kicked out immediately. Good riddance I say! When will the internet photos appear??? haha!

9. Southeast Asia'h Epperson: My bar is set high for her, so the performance was somewhat disappointing, but only because I expect her to be a Top 5 contender. It was still pretty good!

10. Schlemiel Malakar: Huge things come in small packages. This little smurf was very impressive and is growing on me. My only criticism? That she was wearing baseball pants.

11. Slushy Merrcado: You can tell this girl got a whole lotta attitude! This will either help her or hurt her. Eventually, she will get on the wrong people's nerves (I give her 2 more shows, and I'll be on my last). She is a great performer and singer--but so was Stephanie at this point last year...

12. Curly Tattoothson: Lots of pressure to be the best--Simon Scowl didn't make it easy on her, but I think he gets on the really good ones once in a while to keep them motivated. I thought she was fantabulous, and probably has the best pure singing voice on the show. Song choices will determine her fate! This song was kinda weird BTW---never heard of it!

All in all, not horrible, but not real conversation-piece worthy either. Not really caring that much for anyone at this point, so losing two tonight will not make me wallow in the mire.

Top 12 gals for 60's Night:

Schlemiel Malokar
Alaina Underwood Jr.
AsiaH Epp
Curly Smithson
Alexandretta Lush
Slushy Mercado
Nurse Rocket
Ann B Davis
Babbling Brooke
Kung Fu Kristy
Ernest Joanne Borgnine
Kadyshack Mall-annoy

Kady and Joanne should go home based on last night, but something tells me that poor little Ann B Davis might be returning to maid duties for the Bradys.

Stay tuned!

OUT.

Boys came to Conquer

2008-02-21T08:21:00.001-08:00

Last night's Idol show featured the top 12 boys doing 60's Night. Here we go again with the themes. Theme nights would not be so bad if the singers would mix it up and do something creative with the material. The theme thing works in that it weeds the non-creative, non-original singers out. It's just hard to sit through the ones who are just mimicking the oldies.

That being said, I thought overall, last night's show was pretty durn good for the first night. There were really no stinky performances and a few exceptional ones! How the he11 am I going to make fun of these guys if they are all good??? I'll find a way...

First of all, although time consuming, it was pretty cool to get a glimpse of the performers before they went out to sing. Some of the guys that I didn't know from Adam were shown, and they all got a fair shake of airtime. I hate sitting there saying to myself, "who the f*** is this guy?" At least now I know who the dude who is getting belittled and insulted and what his background is.

Without further ado, your top 12...

1. David Speedy Hernandez: Wasn't too bad, but the song was boring and slow. It was forgettable, as Simon Scowl likes to say a lot.

2. McCheesy Easymac: All I can remember is that tomato soup colored suit and how blahhh this was. I really hated this song and the performance... Then he argued with Charcoal shirt man for an uncomfortably long time. You are on the chop block, Cheezy!!!

3. Dave TwoTone Cook: The redhead rocker provided some spark finally. Unfortunately, he ended his song on a whimpy note. He's safe.

4. Skunkboy Jason Yeager was next--thanks a lot for the sapfest PePe. Good gawd, that had more syrup than a Waffle House.
5. Rockin Robbie Carrico: The one true rocker out of the guys did a fine job on Three Dog Night's "One." This stood out for me, but then again, I am biased. He is Bo Bice with a beard and stocking cap.

6. Davey Boy Archuleta: Is this kid for real--he is a bundle of youth and infectious enthusiasm. He is both giddy and silly, but boy, the kid can sing! Great job ya little whippersnapper! He even made a Cap N Tenille song sound decent!!!

7. Danjaya Noriega: This guy takes the cake as far as attitude goes and his sass is just FABULOUSSSSS!!!! I think he is much more talented than Sandorka, but the song may have been the wrong one. I think he will stick around, at least for entertainment purposes.

8. McStubble Luke "save big money at" Menard: That song and performance was about as flat as warm Milwaukees Best. This was the lamest and most forgettable song of the night. Too bad for him because he is a good singer. FOOL!!!

9. Coldsore Berry: The little engine who couldn't. This was the blond kid who went head to head with Harry Potter at the end of Hollyweird week. Another tame performance, but it wasn't horrible.

10. Leif Garret Jackie Earl Haley Scarnato: Another hobbit doing karaoke. He looks like Barry Manilow and Robert Plant's long lost little brother. The song was slow and tender like roast turkey, but forgot the gravy!

11. Dreadlock Fidel Castro: Could be this year's Blake,but instead of beat boxing, he has the guitar and the voice vibrato to add to his game. Pretty good performance and kept it interesting.

12. Outback Mike Johns: Best for last? Perhaps, and it was good, but probably not his best performance--I think he has potential to do much better. I'm willing to bet he has bronchitis or pneumonia. He still did better than most regardless of his health.

Overall, pretty good first night for the dudes. Nothing was really bad, and there were a lot of good ones. Even the slow, sappy, forgettable songs were sung well.

Ratings for 60's Night:

Davey Boy Archuleta
Dreadlock Castro
Rocker Carrico
Outback Mike
TwoTone Cook
Speedy Hernandez
Skunkboy Yeager
Danjaya Noriega
Leif Garret
Colt45 Berry
McStubble Menard
Mayor McChezee

Voted off the island: I think McCheese will get another shot. So that leaves McStubble and either Speedy, Skunky or Colt45 as the other one.

Girls wrap coming up later!

OUT

Hollyweird Week: Instruments of Torture

2008-02-15T06:03:00.001-08:00

Two nights ago was the beginning of the ever-lovin Hollywood week. This week is grueling and angst-ridden for most of the contestants. This is where we separate the pretentious from the contentious, and in some cases, contagious.

Before we get to the final 24, I must address the first night's show. It was really, really good. I hate saying that because it is more fun to ridicule and spray my sarcastic babble around. Last year's Hollywood show was pure and utter crap! We didn't really get to know anyone, and it was rushed. This season, we got two full hours and lots of personal stuff, as well as many performances. We skipped the Group performance debauchery as well.

It was pretty easy to see who are finalists would be by how much they showcased certain individuals. The G-Rated Blondie was the first to go and she was on TV more than 90% of the others. Same with Nurse Joplin and Blue-tongue Tattoo girl. For the guys, it was Josiah the crying faucet boy, Two-Tone hair guy, that creepy Antonio Banderas wannabe who was trying to hit on all the ladies (and Ryan). There was also that silly Harry Potter meets Clay Aiken dude with the tie. Let's not forget Kristy Lee Cook, the kick-boxin, calf-stompin, horse-chasin, girl (who already has or had a major record deal). The camera was sure in love with her!

The point is that the top 24, or at least most of them got the lion's share of the press.

Back to some of these performances... The first thing that struck me was the allowance of instruments. I can understand keyboards or a guitar IF, and I mean IF it can be pulled off. However, this one dingus had the bright idea of bringing a huge set of drums to play on while singing. "Animal" from the Muppet show is turning in his grave after that impotent performance. Talk about a dopey decision! There was another guy who brought his guitar and strummed it once, and it sounded like a broken dehumidifier. DUMBA$$!

The other knucklehead that I will not miss seeing again is that greasy haired molester from Venezuela who thought he was trying out for Desperado, Part Duex. His Bryan Adams karaoke was horror for my ears. And his smoochin all the females made me want to wash my TV screen with bleach. I heard his breath stunk of onions and socks.

Ok, let's cut the crap and get to the Top 24 show. As I mentioned, no surprises really. The only thing that irritated me other than all the sappy crying, was that there were about 4 dudes who made the top 24 that I have NO recollection of seeing or hearing... EVER. This is the A.I. producer's Kiss of Deth! People who don't get any air time prior to the finals are usually taking a dirt nap before the Top 12 starts. I don't expect that trend to change. So there's Dippy Dredlok, Skunkboy, McStubbly, and Hairy Twinklefoot. Who the he11 are these freaking guys??? Why did I have to endure Harry Potter and the Goblet of Dorkness all this time? And that Josiah kid who arguably had the most camera time EVER--well he got the boot back to his car. What was the point of that? Speaking of Josiah, man he really screwed the pooch on that last song---what the f*** were you thinking son??? It's probably a good thing he is going home--he was the next Scumjaya Malokar.

In any event, like I said, no surprises. My early favorites are: the Aussie who sang Bohemian Rhapsody, the 2-Tone hair boy who sang Bryan Adams (cripes--who DIDN'T?), Amanda the Rockin Nurse, Asia Epperson, and Tattoo-Girl.

My darkhorse is that little blond kid who beat Harry Potter at the end--I think he could sneak up on people.

The Haley Scarnato "I get by on my looks" award goes to Kung Fu Kristy Cook and the Scudjaya "I suck @ss" award will most likely go to that flatulent Danny Noriega.

I just hope that after five seasons, the contestants FINALLY understand how important song choice is. Let's also pray for no DISCO or LATIN nights. PLEASE......

OUT