The Resurrection of Grizzly Abrams

Tonight is Sir Elton John night. The man with the fabulous spectacles and flamboyant attire. And then we see Ryan Seakrust come out with hat hair. What, no faux hawk action tonight, Ryan? Man, I hope someone bangs out Crocodile Rock tonight, or will we be subjected to a plethora of ballads? Also good to see Grizzly Abrams back in the game. Holy crap, did he about soil his beard with sick sauce? I think the judges made the right choice in saving him--he just needs to quite scaring the sh*t out of America with the carniverous canine antics.

In other news, we lose two people tomorrow night. I hope everyone got on their horns and voted, if this competition has any meaning for you. I didn't. HAHA--just kidding...

So here we go.. nothing new here, but the contestants are doing some sort of modeling nonsense and doing the usual interviews with Jimmy Bovine (sans hood). Auditions sound good so far. First up is:

Scotty McChuckwagon - Country Comfort: Not a whole lot of range tonight, playing it pretty safe. Sang it well, but it bored me to a trail of tears. B-

Naima Addsomepepper - I'm Still Standing: the only thing she has in common with Sir Elton is the matching teeth. This Jamaican jabberwocky had me expecting John Candy to come out with the bobsled team. Fairly average, not much going on here, and kind of weird. C

Paul McDentures - Rocket Man: Has the flower coat and pants on. Paul, you're scarin the customers again... Song was soft and fluffy like a flower-printed bounce sheet. Perhaps bring the skinny jeans again. Nothing special here, folks. C+

Pia Tobasco - Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me: Another ballad... Although Clay Aiken will never be topped on this song, she did a solid job. However, she showed some hot sauce by going against the judge's advise to not do a ballad this week. Pia's response, "Screw You, Chuckleheads!" It was good, but c'mon get out of your freakin comfort zone! B

Steffanograph Joey Tribiani - Tiny Dancer: Bear Hair Boy bandish version, nothing to write home about. This was good karoake at best. Nice kiss-up to the judges at the end. Chandler gives it a C and Ross an A- cuz Ross is a weinie. B-

Lauren Alabama - Candle in the Wind: Another ballad, but she blew it out of the water. No wind could blow out her candle tonight. First song tonight that made me take notice, and apparently Lips's notice as well, but for other "various" reasons. A

Delirious James Durbin - Saturday Night's Allright for Fighting: Great showmanship, loves the crowd and attention. Strong finish, the guy knows how to perform. What else can be said? Yah, the hair thing is somewhat corny, but the show NEEDS James. A

Thia Tequila - Daniel: Pretty sleepy and loungey. Feel like I'm at the most depressing wedding reception ever. It wasn't horrible, it was just safe and had the scent of watered down vanilla pudding pops... C+

Grizzly Abrams - You're Song: We got ourselves a cleaned up Grizzly bear! I bet when he was done performing, he found a nice big mud pit to swim around in. In any event, both the look and the sound were right on, and he should be back with a vengeance. A-

Jacob Lush - Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word: I'm sorry that I had to hear this song. Any resemblance of Elton John was wiped off the planet. No offense to Jacob personally, but I am just not a fan of his style. I was happiest when this song was over. Meh... B-

Hailey Blackhart - Benny and the Jets: I actually liked this. Hailey has some spunk and we finally get to hear something not slower than frozen tar. She still likes puttin on the moves, but the song choice and performance were all in line. I would give her a straight A, but her "sssssss' sounds at the end of Jetssssss was a bit distracting. A-

Once again, not too many bowzer performances, with the exception of Naima's Jamaican mudslide. Where is Sanjaya Malodork and Pen Salesman and Goat Girl? Clearly, the judges did a good job of picking a top 12, but it makes my job of hurling insults much more difficult.

Rankings for Elton Night:

Lauren Alabama

James Durbin

Hailey Blackhart

Grizzly Abrams

Pia Tuscodero

Scotty McChuckwagon

Jacob Lush

Paul McPepsodent

Thia Tequila

Joey Tribiani

Naima Addapaprika

As far as bottom three and voting, well America just proved that they are a bunch of chowderheads with their feeble voting results last week. I am going to guess that Naima and Joey are bottom-dwellers along with Thia. However, I wouldn't be shocked to see Pauly McTrident there either.

So long Naima and Joey!

Stay tuned for next week when we have Olivia Newton John night and Seacrust comes out with pink Xanadu suit.

OUT

Mo, Larry and Curlytown

Welcome to the Motormouth City. One of the theme nights that are consistently consistent each season has invaded our TVs once again. Don't get me wrong, I do respect Motown and its storied history, but my gosh, do we have to have it every stinkin' season? One of the thing that twists my niblets about Motown night is that it seems the same songs are done over and over again. Tonight was no exception.

I see that JLOWW has lent Lips her faux-leopard print blouse. RAWR Steven...
So here we go. I do have a miniscule bit of a better attitude this time around, as the competition is better than years past. Especially when we start with...

Grizzly Abrams - Heard it through the Grapevine by Marvin Gaye/CCR and about 14 other contestants. Slick hair, but still wearing that bird habitat on his face. At least trim that thing down bro! So about the performance, hey did he just point to a guy and call him "honey?" It was good, but his pants were too loose. However, the performance was tight! A-

I see that Aerosmith guitarist Brad Whitford in the house--or is that Doctor Johnny Fever from WKRP?

Thia Tequila - Heatwave. Gee, we haven’t heard that one before (ugh) Olson Twins doing backup again... This tepid performance was pretty karaoke, nothing special. She seemed a little uncomfortable and seemed to forget some lyrics. The Jugheads, I mean judges were too easy on her I thought. B-

J Peterman Lusk - You're all I Need by Marvin Gaye: I was hoping that it didn't have more runs than my granny's pantyhose. Not as bad as last week. Is that Danny Aiello playing bass? No, it's Harvey Keitel. This was an improvement from last week, but not as great as Randy said it was... And what's with the hugs??? B

Alauren Alaina - Keep me Hangin on by the Supremes: Sweet beginning then tight transition to a more up-tempo finish. Great song choice and another fun performance from Aliena Laurena. A

Joey Tribiani (Steffano) - Nice plate of leftovers there Tony Danza. Where the hell is Judith Light to kick some @ss? Hello by Lionking Richie? Another ballad, yawn...A little dramatic and sappy, but executed efficiently... Good comments from the judges finally--he's a good ballad singer, but he's going through the motions. Smelly Cat does NOT approve! B-

Gordon Ramsey in the house--You DONKEY!! How cool would it be if he had been picked to be a judge, even for one night--he makes Simon look like Richard Simmons. New show concept: Hell's Auditions.

Hailey Rainstorm - You Really got a hold on me by Smokey Robinson: Hailey once again relies heavily on her sultry moves and "camera-friendly" postures. Voice was a little all over the place, but at least it was interesting. Nice growl by Lips which gets an A. Hailey's growling gets a solid B

Beam me up Scotty McCrazy - For Once in my Life: The kid can shoot some hoops, and as for his performance, he made it his own. Alfred E. Neuman knows how to use his voice for different genres. Nicely played at the end, even with the cheesy facial gestures. His stock continues to rise despite the goofiness... A-

Pia Tuscadero - All in Love is Fair: Pia is awesome, but another ballad? It was very dramatic and she hit the high notes. Don't love the song, but she sang the crap out of it. As JLOWW said, we need to see her own the stage and step out of the concrete overshoes. Agree with RJAX--sing something up-tempo you silly lady! A-

Denty McDonald - Tracks of my Tears by Smokey the Bear: Is he wearing skinny jeans again? Maybe a jacket with dragons should be next? Hey Paul, you're scarin' the customers! The guitar is bigger than he is, literally. Oh hello Olson Twins again. It was just alright Cougars unite--vote for Paul! B

Noxzema Adedapo - Dancin in the Street by Van Halen (haha-I wish)... that is one hell of a pair of bellbottoms. Did she hide some little circus clowns in there? Didn't love the song. Disagree with the judges--they're being too nice. the dancing was something you might see on America's Got Talons. The voice was average at best. C+

Dangerous James Durbin - Livin for the City by Stevie Wonder: Gettin the money spot tonight, but not really needing it as he once again outsmoked the competition. He made it original and rocked it out. Durbin has all the ingredients to take this competition to the end. Did you hear how loudly RJAX got booed when he started off with some criticism? A

Alright, alright, who wins the evening? Although it was yet another Motown night, this one was better than the last few. No one really sucked, and there were a couple of inspired performances.

Rankings for the Night:

Turbo Durbin
Laurena Bobbit Alaina
Scotty E Neuman
Grizzly Abrams
Pia Tuscadero
Topol McDonald
Jacob Lusky #7
Hailey Rhinestrong
Joey Tribiani
Thia Tequila
Noxzema Addpepper

Well unfortunately for Naima and Hailey, I think they are in danger of being in the bottom, along with perhaps a surprise, like maybe Casey or Paul. Thia may be also in danger, as she has been slipping.

So long Naima, it's been good to know ye!

I swear if next week is disco week, I am going to hunt down Jimmy Bovine or whatever the hell his name is and tear his hood off his permanently attached sweatshirt.

OUT

Insomnia Idol

Top 12, here it is... Does anyone miss Omarosa? Ooops, wrong reality show. I meant Ashton Kutcher Jones. No, I'm afraid I didn't either. So here we are with our Top 12 and the theme of the night is "songs from your birth year." I will give the show props for at least making it open with many opportunities to sing something cool and have a wide variety of material to choose from.

Well that is all good in theory, but how about when put pencil to paper? I must admit, I am a tad underwhelmed overall by the song choices, provided the vast choice of groovy sh*t.

Speakng of groovy, who the hell dressed the judges tonight? Liberace? Lips looked like a technicolor yawn... JLOWW had the wind-tunnel tested hairdo, and some jungle cat is looking for it's skin. RaJack kept it real with his Sears Toughskins denim ensemble.

Ok enough on the three stooges...

How were the performances? Before I go into them individually, my overall impression of last night's performances had the consistency of mama bear's porridge. Kind of weak, kind of warm and a little soft.

Let's gettit on!

Naima Morimoto - "What's Love Got to Do with it" by Tina Turner: What's pitch got to do with it? Not much apparently, as Naima fumbled all over this song like Ben freaking Roethlisberger at a nightclub. She had more pitching problems than Charlie Sheen in MAJOR LEAGUE. It wasn't horrible, but it wasn't horrible. That's all I gotta say about that! C+

Paul McFluoride - "That's why they Call it the Blues" by Elton John: Last year, secret squirrel sang this song and got kicked off the next night. Will Captain Creststrips make the cut this time? I think he will, even though this was far from stellar. Paul's chiclets and SNL's Sprockets dance moves will keep him in... B- And lose the skinny jeans bro!

Thia Tequila - "Colors of the Wind” from Pocahontas: Smooth, silky and very safe. Not a lot to crow about here, just another underwhelming ho-hum performance. Will she ever recapture her glory from two weeks ago? Another victim of flimsy song choices may be in her future. It was just vanilla swirled with more vanilla. B

Dangerous James Durbin - "I'll Be There For You” by Bon Jovi: Finally, a song choice that didn't suck the life out of the show. He's consistently picking good songs and performing well--this will bode well for him as the show goes on. It wasn't awesome, but it threw some life into the snoozefest the show was becoming. His stage presence and camaraderie with the judges is well played. A- By the way, his birthday is Jan 6, which is also mine! YOU GO MAN!!!!

Hailey RyneSandberg - "I'm Your Baby Tonight” by Whitney Houston: Hey Hailey, Catwoman is looking for her pants! Enough about fashion... Hailey throws us a flat performance that looked better than it sounded. Hailey knows her strengths, which is her looks, but her singing is not top 5 material. C

Steffano Joey Tribiani - "If You Don't Know Me By Now" by Simply Weak: Hello? David Bearhair Archuleta 2.0 is at it again. Although it was a solid performance,it just fortifies the fact that all he can do is weak sauce ballads. His sweet threads with those classy British Knights hightops really set the tone. A begrudging B

Pia Tuscadero - “Where Do Broken Hearts Go” by Whitney Houston: One of my early favorites didn't disappoint, even though doing a Whitney song usueally spells merciless insults by RJack. Not this time--she pulled it off and did great. However, her competition up this poiint has been flaccid for the most part. A

Beam me up Scotty McDoody - Some Country song by Travis Tritt: I really don't like country (except the man in black), and this was no exception... Didn't like this at all, but I gotta be objective and give him a good score! OOOOOOH I hate that! I like Scotty and his Bilbo Baggins haircut, His singing was solid, so... B+

Chachi Rodriguez - “Love Will Lead You Back” by Taylor Dane Cook: Once of my early faves, she is dropping like Mel Gibson's popularity ratings. So disappointing as she clearly is lacking in power, passion and pizzazz. And the adding Spanish lyrics is old now... JLOWW aint that impressed anymore, so ya better come up with something fresh Ms. Knucklechuckle! B-

Casey Chewbacca Abrams - "Smells like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana: First of all, ballsy song choice, I like it already. I gotta give this guy credit for having the jewels to pick a Nirvana song! But then he sang it, and his virility was neutered. In the end, the song smelled like teen sweatsocks. B-

Lorne Green Alaina - “I'm The Only One” by Melissa Etheridge: Welcome back Lauren--very nicely done on this tune, and it wasn't country per se. One of the more memorable, recognizable and consistent performances of the night. A-

Jacob Musk - “Alone” by Heart: Odd song choice, but then again, Jakey is a little on the prodigious side. His voice is like 6000 pounds of jello all-a-quiver until he hits those runs, which he has been perpetually overusing. He did subdue them to some degree until the end, but alas, they were there again. Overall, better than last week. B

I gotta tell ya... overall, last night was pretty blase. No real standout performances, but no real bowzers either. However, the girls take 2 of the top 3 for the night---I knew they had it in 'em!

Ratings for the night:

Pia Tuscodero
Lauren Alaina
James Durbin
Scotty McCracken
Casey Abrahamson
Thia Tequila
Paul McDental
Steffano Tribiani
Jacob Lush
Karen Rodregisphilbin
Hailey Rheinoceros
Naima Origato

Threats to head home tonight are Naima, Hailey and Karen. Too tough to call here folks, but I would venture to guess Hailey and Karen--Hailey has no identity and Karen has been underwhelming and disappointing. What a shame for both! Paul can't rely on his teeth forever, so he better start picking better songs or he and his skinny jeans will be next on the chopping block!


OUT

Idol Worship

It's an Idol Baker's Dozen as our Top 13 get ready to show their stuff. The theme tonight is "songs from your Personal Idols," which casts a much wider net around song choices than let's say, ummm... Disco Night (ugh!). We also had the privilige of seeing the awesome producers from the record company (ad nauseum), I mean advise our young hopefuls.

Lips, JLOWW and Randy were in magnanimous spirits last night as it was like pulling Paul McDonald's teeth to elicit a negative quip from them. Obviously, the top-to-bottom talent on the show is at an all-time high and that makes it much more difficult to cast stones or in some cases, roses.

So here we go. Tonight starts off with a bang as one of "the anointed ones" kicks it off...

Laurena Alaina Twaina: Any Man of Mine by Shania Twain - Good way to start off the show, something upbeat and non-ballady. Which is what she said, thank you very much. Even with the addition of the Olson twins doing backups, the judges were a little lukewarm on it because they want people to feel sorry for her, which means more votes. Nice strategy and sweet jeggings! Solid B

Casey Grizzly Abrams: With a Little Help from my Friends by Joe Cocker - Using the steps as a prop this early in the competition means Casey likes to sit on steps. But seriously, good song for the scraggly bearded one. It reminded me a little of Graylor Hicks, as he was known for doing upbeat, well-known songs while using lots of body language and unique facial tics. B+

Ashthon Kutcher Jones: When You Tell Me That You Love Me by Diana Ross - Diva Knievel started out a little shaky at the beginning and never really got it going on this unknown Ross tune. HEY lady! You squeaked by in the Wildcard round--how about picking a winning song and NOT singing like you're in a high school talent show? C

Paul Dentyne McDonald: Come Pick Me Up by Ryan Adams - Who the he11 is Ryan Adams? Does he also dress like a carhop? First I thought he was going to sing "Summer of 69" by BRYAN Adams, which I would loathe since it is done incessantly every season. But after hearing this quivering pile of WTF, I think I would actually prefer the ubiquitous "Summer" song. C-

Mama Pia Toscano: All By Myself by Celine Dion - Singer or Supermodel? Total package here folks. Not a huge Celine fan, but she sang it adequately. Not great, but pretty good. Criminy, it doesn't matter--she could sing with ping pong balls in her mouth and people will put her through. You go girl! B+


Turbo James Durbin: Maybe I'm Amazed by Paul McCartney - The Turbo-charged Durbinator strikes again. His older self would have tortured this song with that whacked out range of his. However, he has shown considerable growth and restraint when needed. If he keeps this up, he will be in the finals. He was amazing, and no maybes about it. A

Hailstorm Rheinhardt: Blue by LeAnn Rimes - RICOLLA!!!!!!!!!!! I hear mountaineers in search of cough drops and the yodeling girl on The Price is Right. I will give Hailey props for having the balls to actually yodel on live tv. BRAVE or STUPID? I guess it depends on your personal preference. I am so confused as to whether this was any good or not... So I am giving it a C+

Jacob Lusk of the Irish - I Believe I Can Fly by R. Kelly - This song is sung every season, sometimes multiple times per season. I believe I can puke, if I ever hear it again. To hear Jacob over-sing the living bejeezus out of it made me want to beat the living lusk out of him and his pen salesmen suit. Unlike Durbin who can practice restraint, Lusk pushed his singing right off the ledge. D

Thia Tequila: Smile by Michael Jackson - It will be hard to top what Thia did last week, and sure enough, this week was a letdown. It wasn't bad per se, but she raised the bar to the statosphere last week. This week, was an inevitable letdown. That said, it was still a decent performance. B-

Joey Steffano Langone: Lately by Stevie Wonder - Meh. Chandler and Ross thought it lacked chutzpah. I concur with them. As the song was boring me to sleep, I could't help but notice the clothing selections. The Sicilian Eskimo Biker look must be an LA thing. I think he put his wardrobe together via slot machine. FAIL. D+

Separated at birth?

Karen Chi-chi Rodriguez: I Could Fall in Love by Selena - Holy crap, it's time for a girl to blow us away! Nope, nothing to see here folks. Maybe the most disappointing performance of the night, as I expect much more from K-Rod. If she sticks around, she's gotta bring her A game and great song choices. She still looks good though! D+

Scotty McRichieCunningham: The River by Garth Brooks - If there is one person who will make an album IMMEDIATELY after this show, it's Beam me up Scotty. Some Country record label is chompin' at the bit for Scotty to get mule-kicked to the curb. He sung this song so effortlessly, but it will be interesting if they ever make him sing out of his country-comfort zone. A

Naima Odetopepper: Umbrella by Rihanna - Crazy girl, all over da place! Unforunately, as lively and enraptured as her movements are, the voice does not match up. It's not horrible, but it definitely is underwhelming. Do you all overstand this? Naima is a like a box of chocolates. Is she Godiva or that disgusting Russell Stover box of penguin sh*t? Time will tell... B-

Grading out the performers was a bit tougher this week, as there were 13 performers and none of them really stunk. Some of the song choices (as usual) begged for lobotomization, but calling out clear cut winners and losers not that easy.

Rankings for "Idol Worship" week:

James
Scotty
Pia
Casey
Laurena
Thia
Haley
Naima
Paul
Ashthon
Karen
"Joey"
Jacob

At this early stage, it is hard to determine who is going home, but I'm pretty confident that Joey will be in the bottom three. Although Jacob drove me nuts and is sitting at the bottom, he will NO WAY in he11 get voted out now.

So... Joey, Karen and Ashthon in the bottom. Ashthon going home! Diva Con Dios baby!

Ladies better step up next week--the guys kicked their @sses this week, at least in the top 5.


OUT

Girls Gone Mild

It's Ladies night, and oh what a fight. A fight to see who will be in the Top 5. I will spare you the superfluous intro by Chicken of the Seacrest. But I will say that JLOWW was showin' some thigh last night in a big way. Holy Earl Campbell, Batman!

So let's get the show on the road. Again, the girls get to pick their own songs. How will they do? Song choice is your biggest ally or foe. Will they outperform the boys from Tuesday? Let's find out...

Up first is:

Tarantula Wilson - Only Girl by Rihanna: I don't care if it's Rihanna, Madonna or Benihana. It was not a good song choice and her voice was cannibalized by the music. In addition, it was out of tune and outta here! JWOWW is not hearin' so good. She claims "the crowd was moved." Bombshell... the crowd is MOVED by every song, even the crappola. C-

Naima Nomogato Mister Roboto Adedapo - Summertime by George Gershwin: lady, it was pretty good, but you will not top Fantasia's version, nor will anyone else. However, she did it more up-tempo and did a pretty good job. The back tats really accentuated the emotions of the song. B+

Kendra Chandelier - Impossible by Christina Aguilera: Initially, I was thinking she has some killer range, but then it just got annoying, especially in the upper register. It was just ok, but it coulda woulda shoulda been better. B

Rachel Zebrafeeder - Criminal from Fiona Apple: Picking that song was a crime. Rachel is/was supposed to be the next Siobhan Magnus from a couple seasons ago. Great pipes and uniquely original song choices. She showed neither of these traits Wednesday night. First big disappointment of the night. I think the problem with Rachel is that she is conflicted with who she is. I thought they were supposed to have advisors on the show this season? If she comes back it will be as second chance wildcard. D+

Karen Chi-chi Rodriguez - Hero by Mariah Carey: Karen was one of my top picks and I thought she did excellent on this song. It was the right song for her, and she sang it beautifully, both English and Spanish. Her voice is like Spin Blend... smooth and creamy! A

Lauren Turner Overdrive - Seven Day Fool by Etta James: Great song choice--congratulations! It's not so hard is it? Lips said it best when he said it was a complete sentence. Lauren can go far if she is consistent. Great range and great tone. A-

Ashton Kutcher Jones - Love All Over Me by Monica: Big hair, big voice, big shoes, lots of attitude and confidence. Not sure I like the song, but she sure did. It was decent, but I'm on the fence with this one. B+

Julio Godzilla - Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson: DOH! Biting off a little more than can be chewed, I'd say. Miss South America might be packing her bags after this mess. It just lacked the oomph that Kelly put in it. No comparison. It sort of came off like good karaoke. Disappointment #2, as she was also an early favorite. She still has great shoes and fashion sense! C+

Haley Rhinefardt - Fallin by Alicia Keys: Decent song choice, but I felt that she overdramatized it with the slinky movements and a few too many growls. Probably what killed it for me was toward the end, she was sounding like a kitten on helium. Bobby Brady said it best, when he quipped, "Baby talk, baby talk, it's a wonder you can walk." B-

Thia Tequila Megia - Out Here on My Own by Irene Cara: Wow, just wow. Are you effin' kidding me? 15 years old and THIS. WAS. AWESOME. Started with a ghostly acapella that erupted into full blown perfection. It was brave and could have backfired in a big way, but she blew the doors off this performance. A

Lorne Michaels Alaina - Turn on the Radio by Reba McEntire: Good rockin' country song. Very good for a 16 year old, but I know she can do better. I bet she can sing this in her sleep. It was a little safe for me for her. Lorne has received a lot of airplay, so she may be "the anointed one" like in every other season. She will have to pull all stops. B+

Pia Tabasco - I'll Stand by You by The Pretenders: Great song, great hair. She sung pretty decent overall, but smoked it in the end (in a good way). I mentioned her as a fave with Karen and she didn't disappoint. A-

So there ya have it... I would say that the girls did about as well as the guys. I actually thought they should have done much better, but Julio and Zebrafeeder exercised poor decision-making skills by picking facepalm-inducing song choices.

Rankings for Girls:

Thia Tequila
Karen Rodriquez
Pia Tuscodero
Lauren Turner
Lauren Alaina
Naima Roboto
Ashton Kutcher Jones
Kendra Chandelier
Haley Rhinestone
Julio Gorilla
Tarantula Wilson
Rachel Zebeneezer

For the Top 5, I am going to go with that same top five as listed above, and for the #6 Wildcard, I will predict last place Rachel or Naima Roboto get in. The show NEEDS a quirky girl like Rachel and the judges know it. Chalk it up to an off-night.

And lastly I'd like to thank Randy for keepin' it real. WOOF WOOF


OUT

Sap, Crap and Roll

We are going LIVE folks. No more bullcrap editing and hiding behind commercials and promos. It's time to be exposed for the contenders and pretenders that they are. It's the TOP TWELVE boys so let the whacking and packing commence!

By the way, when I say "whacking", I mean cutting, like "cut from the show..." ok never mind.

In any event, like any other intro to the show, Seakrust has to show us how cool the new stage setup is. Thanks Ryan. It looks remarkably the same as last season, and the season before, and so on. But enough about that peanut head. Not wasting any time, it's time to bring out the competition.

First up is...

June Cleaver Gamboni - Superstition by Stevie Wonder: First of all, this is another song that has been done to death... Please retire it. Googly eyed McGoo gets up there and looks like a Karaoke star on PCP and HGH. He is flapping all over the place like a chicken with aviator goggles. Vocally, it's not horrible, but then again, this guy is on my sh*t list. B

Jovanny Musk Soprano - I'll Be by I have no effin idea: Shipbuilder/Lawyer/Mobster/Accountant picks a great song to get into the next level. A sucky, slow song that no one knows. Nice pick Gilligan. See ya on the dock Luigi! Lips and J-LOWW had it wrong and thankfully Randy pulled them out of the dark by saying what everyone else was thinking. D

Jordan Dorksy - OMG by Usher - This was utterly unlistenable and stunk up the whole stage. This song and performance reached new heights of suck-ness and I couldn't be happier. See ya @sshat! Jordan was the guy that thought he was better than everyone else, and he gets my lowest score of the night and a ticket home. F

NOTE: If you remember my last article, I had as my villains the first three performers last night, and IN ORDER. Back to the guys...

Tim Scalperin Halperin - Come on Over? by I have no freakin clue: C'mon Tim, what the F are you doing man? Tim may have blown his chance by choosing an unknown song that doesn't really even highlight his talents. WASTE! Very disappointing considering he was a fave after Hollywood week. He sang well, but totally forgettable. Meh... C

Brute "Tonight let it be" Lowenstern - Light My Fire by The Doors: Our little mighty red apple is the little choochoo that could. It started out a little weak and fragile like him, but he got into the groove and finished strong like OAK. Love the intonations too.... Light my Fi-YAHHH! Yah you little good luck troll! B

The artist formerly known as Lambert 2.0, James Homerun Durbin - Another Thing Comin by Judas Priest: Holy sh*t, a Priest song on American Idol... I never thought I'd see the day! I am a HUGE Priest fan and have seen them live a zillion times and have all their cds. Rob Halford is an incredible vocalist, and Durbin did him proud. AWESOME, just AWESOME! Yes I'm a metalhead and damn proud of it! :) A

Rowdy Robby Rosen, AKA Kevin Myers, AKA Thomas Ian Nicholas from American Pie - Angel by Sara McLaughlin: Sorry american pie guy, Tara Reid is a HO but this is just weak sauce on top of cream of weak. It was as if a keebler elf was yodeling and whining simultaneously. Thankfully Randy had it right again. Randy is keeping the other two judges in check, because they have been off on a couple so far. C-

Scott McHowdyDoody - Letter From Home by country/western guy: Yah he looks like Howdy Doody and Opie from Andy Griffith. But the voice is great for country, which I am not a fan of, but his range is incredible. If he ever does Johnny Cash, I will be pleased--now that's real country! I hated the song, but he nailed it... B+

Stefano's Pizzeria Langone - Just the Way You Are by Billy Goat: Is this Stefano, or Joey from Friends? I can't tell them apart to be honest. Another sappy ballad to get the crowd buzzing. Well it wasn't for me, but at least it was unique, unlike Jovanny Musk. I think he sounds a lot like Bearhair David Archuleta--almost identical to be honest. It's just aight... B-

RuPaul McDonald - Maggie May by Rod Stewart: Great song choice and it suited his voice to a T... RuPaul has great tone and wonderful rasp and the berries to sing a Rod Stewart song. Not only that, but this guy has a wonderful grin and his teeth are like peppermint chiclets. My only criticism was of that concierge jacket he had on... what up with that??? A-

Jacob's Ladder Luskmelon - A House is Not a Home by Luther Vandross: Smooth as mayonnaise, but tons of range and hitting all kinds of hard to reach notes. No denying this man has incredible talent. What's going to keep him from going on is song choice and dipping into the well of "over-singing" too often. It will be interesting to follow this dude. A

Casey Honest Abrams - Put a Spell on You by CCR: First of all, Casey is lucky to be there, as he was hospitalized with stomach "issues." Putting this guy last was genius. You know he's going to bring something crazy and unique, but performed well too. His snarling rendition of this song was performed with wolf-like tenacity. Ok, I made that up, but wolves are probably fairly tenacious, right??? His facial tics and growls just put icing on the cake. A

Rankings

James Durbin
Casey Abrams
Jacob Lusk
Paul McDonald
Scotty McHowdy
Bret Lowenstern
Stefano Langone
Jun Cleaver Gambone
Tim Halperin
Robby Rosen
Jovanny Shipwreck
Jordan Dorksy

So I guess only 5 get voted through and one get called back as a wildcard. Here is my prediction:

My Top 5 as listed above... AND, AND, AND...... Tim Halperin. Tim needs all the Halp he can get. Honestly, he hosed himself last night, but I think the judges will give him another shot.

Tonight the ladies are going to blow the doors off the HOUSE!!!


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