The Phinal Curtain

At long last, we have an Idol show that felt well-timed and without all the fluffy nonsense. Of course, we'll get plenty of that tonight on the Results Circus.

The venue has changed to the more raucous Nokia Theater and the production is all dolled up like senior prom. Everything is fancy-pants and froufrou. Everything except Phillip Phillips. Because P2 doesn't need it, he and his gray garb, and his 5 o'clock shadow. Phil's entrance on the show last night was beautiful. Tommy Hillclimber had to be one tortured soul last night when he saw Phil. And Phil's answer to Seachicken about how does it feel to be on the big stage for the finale was awesome--I call it profound gibberish. I can't type what Phil said--there is no spelling or pronunciation for that. I would actually like to download that sound as my ringtone...

In any event, on with the show... Three songs for each. First round is Simon Fuller's choice, Second round is singer's favorite past song, and Third round is what their first single would be. Here's how it played out:

Jessica Sandcastle - I Have Nothing (Simon Fuller's choice): Very wise and appropriate song choice. Degree of difficulty substantial, and the execution was close to flawless. However, it was predictable and somewhat boring. Jessica doing a "diva" ballad--yes, yes... what else is new? Okay fair enough--she gets an A on this one.

Phillip "Can I get a kidney transplant" Phillips - Stand by Me (Simon Fuller's choice): Mr. Fuller did Mr. Phillips no favors on this flaccid song choice. This was unchallenging and uninspiring. Even Phil couldn't Phillipify this weaksauce number. I am hoping that Phil makes a much better choice for himself in round two. A solid B, but not his fault.

I have to agree with the judges that Jessica won round one. Again, this was taken out of the performer's control, and they both did the best they could with the material. Jessica certainly had the advantage there.

Now... let's get into the highly inappropriate, offensive and vulgar act called "Perpetually grabbing my crotch" by Jason Duh-rulo. In all my years of watching live performances, I have never seen someone grab themselves so blatantly and frequently--are you freakin' kidding me? I would say he pawed himself a good 15-20 times, right in the faces of the mostly younger crowd. I am no fuddy duddy, but C'MON MAN! I used to play baseball, and have witnessed plenty of self-imposed groin grope on the field, but cup adjusting is a necessity (sometimes, but not all the time--some guys just like to do it...). That pales in comparison to this cluckknuckle. I think Seakrust alluded to the "interesting" dance moves--we all knew what he meant. I wonder how many parents will be writing letters to the show in protest. Dear Idol, thanks a lot for the visual feast of crotch-grabbery, asshats.

Now back to the real show.

Jessica #2 - The Prayer (her fave song): Another ballad, ho-hum... It was decent, but bordered on the theatrical and broadwayish. A bit too melodramatic for me. Again, technically, it was formidable and she certainly has the chops to pull it off, but been there, done that. The pattern is set in place, big ballads all night long. I guess ya dance with date you showed up with, eh? B+

Phil #2 - Movin' Out (his fave song): Great choice although I was guessing he would have done the Jonny Lang song. Both winners, regardless. This time, he brought more to the table. It was Phil doing Phil, but showing more pizzazz, especially the very strong ending. Excellent choice, great performance. Definitely an A.

Jessica #3 - Change Nothing (poorly conceived single written by Keebler elves): Agree with the judges on this. This is not in her cupboard of competency. I am not sure who writes these "first single" songs, but they should be slapped in the grill. They are almost never hits, they don't usually match up to the performer's personality, and they are hard to stomach. This was screechy and annoying. C+

Phil #3 - Home (cleverly conceived single written by Smurfs and Hobbits): And on the other hand... haha! A song written correctly and FOR the person performing it. What a novel idea! Or perhaps, Phil changed it up? Regardless, it was a great song, phantastic performance, just all-around goodness. Steven said what I was thinking... it reminded me of Simon and Garfunkel. What a way to finish the night. If it wasn't for the excessive humming at the end, I'd give it an A+, but an A will have to do.

Ironically, the performers peaked at opposite times last night, probably much to the thrill of Phil and his constituents. Starting slow and finishing strong will more often than not improve one's chances. With that said, I am going to have to go with Phil winning this thing.

Overall, the night was pretty even, but with the performers crossing paths in the middle. Kinda like the elevator (Phil) that starts in the basement and goes up, while the elevator (Jessica) that starts on the 10th floor goes down.

Rankings for the Final:

Phil
Jessica

So that is it, folks... Another season in the books. The last several Results Finale shows have been very entertaining and well done with lots of surprises, so make sure you check it out. I will probably have one more postmortem article to reflect on Season 11. Thank you for your support and unbridled enthusiasm.

I look forward to seeing Heehaw Hand on the stand-up circuit and Colton and Elise having more commercial success than anyone else from this season. Also it wouldn't surprise me if Hollie Cabinslaw did well with the right songwriters and producers.

OVER AND...

OUT

One Man Stands

And his name is not Joshy. Last night's two hour show finally felt like a show worthy of 120 minutes. Nine songs, plus lengthy hometown visits filled the time slot like a perfectly poured beer. We also got to encounter Heehaw Hand in the crowd with the rest of the Top 10 performers. Good old HeeHaw, always out to obtain squealing laughter from his contemporaries. Seeing Elise and Colton sitting there had me contemplating an alternate universe in which those two would be in the Final with P2.

In any event, on with the show... the themes for last night fall in line with seasons past. Judges pick, Performer pick and Producer (Jimmy the Hat) pick...

Our first performer of the night is...

The Reverend Joshy: Judges pick - I'd Rather Go Blind: I actually thought this was pretty good, in other words, I didn't completely hate it. Of course the judges gave it a standing O (what else is new?). It wasn't that great you chuckleheads. Still, it was better than I expected. A-

Joshy's pick - Imagine: Lamo-rama! In easily the worst round (for all three) of the night, Josh picks this tepid song because it "means something to him." What it meant for me was that he's gonna get knocked down a notch. Even the butt-scotch-aroo kissing judges weren't all that jazzed. They tried feebly to compliment this performance, but they weren't fooling anyone. C

Jimmy's pick - No More Drama: Not as good as song 1, but miles better than song 2. However, it is just more of the same gospelly rigmarole that we are accustomed to. We even get the stripper routine with the jacket being tossed--that is HOT! NOT. B+

Memorable Hometown moment: Joshy is definitely comfortable on stage in front of thousands... he just ate that right up in his home coliseum. I believe Josh will be creating a new genre of music called "Joshpel".

Next up is Jessica Sandwedge... Judges Pick - My All: the softer side of Jessica comes out in a very high degree of difficulty song. She surprisingly shows some restraint and blew it away. This was a very good performance and raised the already high bar even higher. She also didn't look like a child prostitute for once, which is a good thing. A

Jessica's Choice (and a bad one) - Don't Want to Miss a Thing: Another one of those used up, already done eleventy jillion times songs... this song needs to be retired! It's like listening to a thousand cats jumping off the Sears Tower. I would call this very average at best, and in fact, she had pitch problems towards the end. The last note was painful and warbled. In sum, it was just ghastly, and probably my least favorite song of the night. C

Jimmy's Choice - I'll Be There: It started out pretty good, and she even sounded like Whacko there for a while. Then ghetto Jess came out and she started doing that growling thing again. Growling like a bobcat aint gonna get the job done here, not on this song. I think she may have hurt her chances of landing in the finale. B-

Memorable Hometown moment: Didn't know Jess was home-schooled and had a very sheltered social life. No wonder she can sing so well if that is all she had time for! (she probably hated her parents up until now). Performing on an aircraft carrier would have been highly exquisite, and the helicopter ride along the coast would be a ton of fun.

And phinally, Philly Cheesedip... Judge pick - Beggin: I beggin' your pardon? Never heard of this song, but man, was it a great choice by Steven for Phil? Hellz ya it was! I had thought that both Josh and Jessica's performances would be tough to beat, but Phil pulled out all the stops on this one. He nailed the melody part as well as kept the "phil"elements alive. This is definitely the kind of song Phil needs to be writing and performing. A

Phil's Choice - Disease: Phortunately for Phil, everyone else sucked in this round as well. How ironic that when they're picking their own songs, they flubbed the dub. This was not bad by any means, it was just too easy. One of the judges said he could do this song in his sleep, and I tend to agree. B-

Jimmy's Choice - We've Got Tonight: wow, just wow... I was not expecting that kind of subdued performance from Phil. I thought Jimmy the hat was out to get him and that he was going to fall on his face, head, neck, chest, breast and chin area. On the contrary, my friends. Phil just cemented himself in to the finale with that absolutely brilliant and eclectic performance. This was hands down, the best performance of the night. For the judges to give "under construction" Phil a standing O, that is really saying something. A+

Memorable Hometown moment: I think this was Phil's clip, but there was a shot of a really pissed off and mean looking security guard pushing people away from Phil. It only lasted a second, but it was AWESOME! Guess he was not enamored by the whole screaming crowd thing. Also very touching was to see Phil get emotional at the parade. I think that is the first time I've ever seen him crack. Awwwww...

All in all, a pretty decent night for all. You take away the middle round, and we got a topnotch production. But because of the 2nd round, I'm going to give the night to Philly, without a sliver of doubt. His 1st and 3rd performances were stellar and were two of his best, if not his best performances of the whole season.

I am going to give the runner up award to Jessica by a very slim margin over Josh, but only because her first round song was scintillating.

Josh, sorry man, but it's so hard to look forward to your stuff. The first song was good, then it just went downhill. Even though his 3rd song was favorable, I was, at that point, not interested.

With that said, I was actually motivated to throw some votes Phil's way. I dialed 20 times and got through twice, so hopefully that's a good sign.

And even though Jessica edged Josh slightly, I think Ms Sanchez will be headin' for home this week. The first guy/guy finale since Dave Cook vs Bearhair Archuleta.

I just hope that Phil can carry this exceptionally timed momentum swing for one more week.

Stay thirsty my friends...


OUT

Silly Sing & Swing

Last evening's two hour extravaganza marathon Idol event was pretty entertaining and certainly had its share of stupendous performances. However, these two hour monsters are becoming more about the show, rather than the singing.

Let's cut some fat, shall we... Thankfully, the Tommy Hillswinger experiment disappeared into the night with nary a whisper. His impact was certainly realized by Phil Phillips, with a big goose egg. So that segment is gonzo... How about we cut the Coke guy out - you know, the dude with the bling-bling neck brace... Do we need that distraction? Personally, I could care less, and will fast forward his azz off my TV during the finale. Although I like the "behind the scenes" bits, we have had them several weeks in a row, it seems. It has reached a level of superfluous-ness and will render future shows less impactful. Unrelated filler like the Rock of Ages piece should be played on Thursday nights, not Wednesdays. That just turned out to be a huge marketing gimmick for the movie, simple as that. It is my opinion that they ran a rehearsal and still came up with extra time, and therefore threw in the GROUP song with all four singers. Save it for Thursday nights. Bring the show back to an hour, please. And thank you for your time.

Now onto the show... The themes were 1. Random? and 2. "Songs I wish Judas Priest would perform on the show." Oops, wrong crowd... I meant, "Songs they wish they would have written."

Bring it on!

Philip Squared or P2 - Have You Ever Seen the Rain: Phil defies the laws of pitch. It don't matter what he sings, it's like he's immune to pitch issues because he's just so damn unique. In any event, the unkempt and unshaven Phil chose wisely and performed brilliantly. A- Volcano: One of Phil's best performances to date, definitely the right kind of song to showcase his quirky, indie sensibilities. He's BAAAACK! A

Holly Cabinboy - Faithfully: Hot steak Hollie continues on the path of redemption by doing this Journey remake. And she has some mighty Swiss miss marshmallow balls to be taking on a song that the DAWG performed a zillion times. Nearly flawless and good for her for making this a competition. A I Can't Make You Love Me - Oh Hollie, wrong song for you, girl! You were pretending to feel this, but you are too inexperienced to connect... Although it wasn't as bad as the judges said it was, it was not up to par with everyone else's 2nd efforts. B

Josh The Messiah Leadhead - You Raise Me Up: Meh... Nothing to see or hear folks. Same old, same old. Boring song, typical Josh performance. Not to say it's awful, but it is mundane and routine. Of course, the judges ate it up, and Josh just stands there smiling that smug smile. B- It’s a Man’s, Man’s, Man’s World: Better than his first performance, this song at least had a pulse higher than that of a zombie. Did it deserve a standing O? Of course not, but did you expect anything less? Same answer. A-

Jessica Saladshooter - Let's Steal Away: What was up with all the suitcases on stage? Is this a singing competition or the train station to Hogwarts? This was just ok for me. Not her best, but not utter crap like last week's Proud Mary. She's got the growl down for sure. B+ And I’m Tellin’ You: As Jimmy the Hat mentioned, you back Jessica in a corner and she fights back like a pissed off honey badger. This was, for me, her best performance to date. I am not a big fan of Jessica, but she hit this one out of the park, and onto Waveland Ave. (that’s for you, Cub fan). Range, tone, pitch, dramatic ending... All near perfect. A

Duet 1 - Philly/Joshy - This Love: 100 times better than last week's sack of sadness, You've Killed That Loving Feeling. Best duet ever, Steven? No, but it probably seemed like it, comparatively speaking. Phil stood out over Josh, hands down. A

Duet 2 - Hollie/Jessie - Eternal Flame: How about internal bleeding. Nice swing set on stage. This was goofy and awkward from the get go. Only when the two doofuses came out and played on the swing, did it get entertaining. Boys get an A, Girls C+

Quartet Combo - Waiting for a Girl/Guy Like You: Gratuitous time killer. At this point in the show, I am ready to drink paint. Please stop the madness of trying to cram in all this filler garbage. Group numbers, as I had mentioned, are for Thursday frickin' night. That said, the only part of the song that was interesting was when they cross harmonized on the chorus. Otherwise, blahhhh... B

Ryan Seakrust - Julianne Hough interchange: Just stop it. Please. F

So here are the rankings for the night--very close:

Phil
Jessica
Hollie
Josh

Good to see 'ol grayshirt back on top. May his good fortune continue for three more weeks. Had Hollie picked a better second song, she would be giving Phil a run. Jessica put herself back in contention with a solid night. Josh, it would seem, is cooler than Obama, the Pope and Brad Pitt combined. He is good, but not near as good as the three Kool-Aid drinking judges make him out to be.

I see both Josh and Hollie in the bottom two. Will we have a shocker outing with Josh going home, or has Hollie finally relinquished her ninth life? Goodbye Swiss Miss--you made me a fan, which all but guarantees you will be voted out, and for that, I'm sorry.


OUT

It's Raining Royals

Due to BUSY time, I'll be keeping this short folks... Last night was British and 60's themes. Elise missed her boat on this one! She had all that classic British rock at her fingertips. Speaking of poor Elise, I told a few of you after the fact, that I wasn't surprised she was gone, for the following reasons:

a. Idiots and tweens are voting for the wrong people
b. Song Choice, song choice, song choice
c. Not the right demographic for typical voters (again, those teenage rodents making their impact felt throughout history).

That said, and with Hollie coming on strong, I guess it is easy to see any of them leaving the show at this point.

Very cool to see Silvio from the Sopranos as the guest mentor. His rapport with Jimmy "the hat" Bovine was pretty entertaining! I felt as though someone was gonna get whacked.

Let's get it on, cmon!

1. Holy Caymanislands - River Deep Mountain High: I believe this got the only Standing O of the night by the cheese-filled judging panel. Great song choice, great advice from Silvio and great performance by Swiss Miss. Solid A; 2nd Song - Bleeding Love: Hollie's voice is like buttah! It's so smooth and tasty! Seriously, AWESOME job and thanks again go to Silvio for his advice to her to just sing to "one" person, not a huge crowd. It was a little sappy for me, but perfectly executed. A-

2. Philly Cheese - The Letter: Mr. "No Melody" picks a good song and "phil-asized" it completely to his "wheelhouse". Still, it just comes across as typical Phil-andering and Phil-osophy... Been there done that, Capt Drab. Because I still like Phil and he's fun, B; 2nd Song - Time of the Season: It's time in the season to probably vote Phil out, unfortunately. This was Phil's worst performance EVER. I think he's performed better in his sleep, with a mouthful of chiclets. Although he shot for melody, he came up with travesty, and the falsettos and high parts ate him alive. I actually cringed like hearing nails on a chalkboard when the chorus came up... Oh my that was like watching your best friend jump down a elevator shaft. C-

3. Skillet Laine - Fortunate Son: Skylar brings her usual peppy and enthusiastic self to the party as usual, but for some reason, this didn't affect me at all. It was a bit milquetoast for my taste. The song has been done a zillion times before, this one added twang and sickening steel guitars. Hello Phil, new chalkboard is in town! Anyway, not my fave for Skylar... B; 2nd Song - You Don’t Have to Say You Love Me: Sung much better and intimately than her first one. However, what the hell was this getup with people sitting on a park bench. How distracting is that. And is Skylar singing to them or about them? I'd be choking them for stealing my scenery--those chuckleheads. A-

Duet #1 - Philly and Josh-duh: Honestly, how could you take this seriously? It was sung either poorly, or over the top, or both. I did like Phil's fearless banter with Joshy before and after the performance, but seemed like Joshy was taking offense to the flirtatious overtones of one Philip the Prince of priceless facial tics Phillips. Geez, Josh, a bit homophobic, or maybe just don’t like other dudes getting in his personal space... hmmmm Sorry guys, this was C (which stands for comedy, calamity, catastrophe)

Jesska Spamcheese - Proud Mary: Started in typical Jessica balladic style, which was boring, then got fist pumping good. Jessica was up to task on the "rock" sensibilities of the song, which she bombed miserably on last week. Overall, nicely done and with a solid money note at the end. A-; 2nd Song - You are So Beautiful: This kind of song is perfect for Jessica's syrup-like delivery--she knows how her bread is buttered. The sitting on the floor with candles was interesting---thank goodness her dress didn't catch! Grade: A

Josh "the anointed one" Ludevisk - Aint Too Proud to Beg: or too proud to pick something out of your comfort zone. This was like having Skylar sing Chattahoochie Koochy, or some silly country song that a 4 year old could sing. No challenge whatsoever, but the judges continue to salivate and ooze green slime over this guy. Yes, he's very good, but he is not the best Idol ever, or whatever pompous thing Steven said. Therefore, Josh gets the annual title of "the anointed one." Song only gets a B; 2nd song - To Love Somebody: Better than his first song, but at that point I was too distracted by Josh's greatness that all I could see were sparkles in his teeth and eyes as the sound of Heaven was emanating from this man. According to the bum-licking judges, Josh will save the planet with his music like Bill and Ted did in "Excellent Adventure. Unfortunately, it feels more like a bogus journey. Song=A Judge Buttwiping=D-

Triplet #2 - Jessica, Hollie and Reba - Your Love is Lifting me Higher: the two divas and the ghost of Reba take on this song and despite the weird arrangement, I thought it was fun and showcased all three pretty equally. I would probably give Hollie the nod for the best of the three. It's just her night! A-

Rankings for the night:

Hollie
Josh
Skylar
Jessica
Phil :(

Sorry Philly, you were simply outclassed for the first time all season by all your competition. Damn those kidney stones. I do like watching his demonic possession faces he makes as he sings--very beguiling.

Bottom three is anyone's guess, but I am going with Hollie, Jessica and Phil. I think Phil has been bailing water out of a sinking boat for quite some time, and he is finally resigned to letting the old rust bucket go under. Good to know ye!

I wish him well--he was a good sport. Stay tuned next week for 3 Divas and a Judge's Pet.

I can't wait for Hollie to win this whole thing--man, I love comebacks!!!


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