Why I Hate Fantasy Football

Football season is upon us, and I for one am extremely excited and happy that it is. I have always been a football fan, since I was a wee lad. I started my football fandom as a young supporter of the Green Bay Packers. Back then, you liked whatever team your parents thought you would like, and for them it was the Packers. I didn’t have a choice in the matter.

As I started to develop my own identity, something happened that I had never seen before—the league introduced two new teams. It was the Seattle Seahawks and Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Well, Seattle’s shiny silver helmets blew me away, and when you are nine years old, helmet color was near the top of the list in choosing favorite teams. So Seattle it was! (and besides, the Buccaneer helmets were white and pastel orange—yuk!)

To this day, I have been a Seattle fan through thick and thin, and believe me, it has been thin for a long time, so my loyalty cannot be questioned.

But then along came Fantasy Football. An addicting game of drafting players from all over the league to form your own all-star team. Then you play your friends and colleagues every week and see who has the most points after each weekend.

As fun as this may seem, it also makes you question your sanity. You become attached to the TV and computer watching for updates on your drafted players to see how they are doing. You are focused like a laser on each and every game and you know who is playing who, what time, where it’s played and the current weather conditions. You consider dropping your cable TV and picking up Satellite TV and ordering the NFL package in which you can watch every game simultaneously.

Not to mention, you neglect your family and pets. They are talking to you, and all you hear is “blah, blah dinner blah” or “blah, blah the house is burning down blah blah.”

“Not now, honey, Peyton Manning is in the red zone!”

But the worst thing about Fantasy Football is how it makes you cheer for teams and players you don’t even like, and even drive you to root against your own team! I have Tony Romo (Cowboys QB) and he is playing my beloved Seattle Seahawks. I want my Seahawks to win, of course, but I also want Romo to throw some damn touchdowns so I can smoke my Fantasy opponent!

This inner struggle is what nearly drives us to lunacy as you writhe in agony when your team sacks your starting Fantasy QB. You don’t know whether to cheer or boo! It’s an inescapable quandary that will drive you to the brink of madness. Although it’s called Fantasy Football, it’s more like Nightmare Football in which reality is a welcome addition (but not until next season)!

Text Messaging is not LOL

As cell phone usage is becoming as common as diet cola, the actual “talking” part is taking a backseat to another cell phone function. This function is “text messaging.”

For those not cognizant of the whole text message phenomena (which I’m sure there aren’t too many), it is using your cell phone as an instant emailing device to another cell phone.

Yes, I admit it—I have fallen victim to the text messaging brouhaha like a lot of folks. It is just so damn convenient and impersonal. Who the hell wants to actually talk to anyone? I don’t have time for a real conversation. I just want to communicate with a few choice letters, numbers and symbols. Better yet, I want to use acronyms to communicate my general feelings at that given moment.

For instance, if someone sends me something hilarious, I may respond with an “LOL.” That means “Laughing Out Loud” for you non-texters. Of course, I am not really laughing out loud---people might think I’m insane or possessed. In addition, when I want to say “you”, I will type the letter “U”. Brilliant I say! No time to type words!

I kid, I kid. Although I admit to using text messaging, I also understand the dangers of this digital deciphering debauchery.

Text messaging in the wrong hands can be a hazard to one’s health. First of all, if you have a teenager, your blood pressure will be impacted when you receive the bill. 8500 text messages in one month! Are you %$#^@ nuts? Of course the kids always bring up some mystery friend from school that had 13,000 texts—zowey!!!

Another pitfall of epic proportions is this infernal text messaging while driving a car thing. What is so important that can’t wait until the five minute drive home from school is over? Oh yeah. Wendy’s has a new Frosty flavor.

Remember the good old days when we were just worried about people talking on their cell while rocketing down the road? At least they could see the road. Is it just a coincidence that automobile accidents went way up last year? Chew on this… According to CTIA-The Wireless Assn., U.S. subscribers sent close to 48 billion text messages last year compared to a paltry 9 billion from 2005. Hmmm, gee I wonder if there is a correlation?

Text messaging has its positives, when used in moderation. I actually send a “group” text message to my softball team when there is a rainout. NICE! However, I don’t send it while driving to Wendy’s for that new Frosty. LOL! Any questions? If so, then RTFM… ; )

The Good, Bad and Ugly of FLOOD '08

As a Native Cedar Rapidian, and current resident, the great flood of '08 is having and will have a lasting impact in my mind.

First of all, the sheer disaster of the entire downtown area under water was incomprehensible to not only me, but to everyone alive. No one predicted that the water would rise and crest to 31 feet! The huge flood of 1993 was a mere 2o feet, and that was considered HUGE!

What has happened here is unprecedented in many ways. They call this a "500 Year" flood, in that a disaster of this magnitude only comes around once every 500 years. And in this scenario, there is a 500 Year flood evacuation plan. 12 blocks on both sides of the river were mandated to evacuate. Take a few things here and there, but leave everything else behind. Every person and animal had to find shelter with more often than not, just their shirts on their backs.

Travel, although not advised was severely crippled as ALL bridges were either closed or completely under water. The only way from one side of the river to the other was the ONE highway (I 380). Of course, this route was so inundated with traffic, it was like a parking lot. The one time I had to take I 380 was on my way home from work Wednesday afternoon, and the combination of shock, disgust and sadness made its way through my bones, especially when I saw my dad's old Dairy Queen under water. Although we no longer own the DQ, it will always be in our hearts, especially since my Dad built this one from the ground up.

It was mind-numbing to see the courthouse and Mays Island under water. All the main downtown bridges completely deluged--you could only see the tops of the railings. Very few downtown structures were spared. Even the biggest Hospital was completely evacuated. Another landmark near and dear to my Bohemian heart is the Czech Village area and National Czech Museum. I hope and pray that it can fully recover, especially knowing that it is the only Czech Museum in the entire country.

Although, I could go on about this horrible and devastating catastrophe, I also wanted to point out some things that make me proud to be CR native. The community, as a whole, really came together to help each other. Volunteers were aplenty during the crisis. Emergency responders moved quickly to try to rescue people and animals and were affective that not one person or creature was left behind, which is simply amazing. Shelters were opened up immediately and even the full ones weren't going to turn any person down. Clothes and other items were donated at a record pace.

What really hit me hard, and in a good way, was the volunteer effort to sandbag the last water pumping station, and then to immediately march over to Mercy Medical Center to continue the sandbaggging effort. First of all, it was around midnight. Not the time of day where most people are getting ready to perform hard labor. This group of go-getters literally saved the last good water we had in record time. But that wasn't good enough--these diligent, tireless workers made their way to Mercy Medical where they proceeded to line up and factory-pile sandbag after sandbag, after sandbag to try to save the hospital. It didn't matter that they were going to evacuate the patients--they kept going and going. In fact, it was reported that 1200 people showed up to volunteer. They were telling people to go home!

Hats off too, to the state government for being there, and for FEMA for their quick reactions (I guess they learned their lesson from Katrina). Also a special mention to Channel 9 (KCRG) TV. Bruce Aune and Beth Malicki were with us almost 24x7 and it was clear they had passion for their community. Even the Channel 9 sports guys John Campbell and Scott Saville put in a ton of hours. Nothing against the other local channels, but Channel 9 clearly put more heart into it.

Simply put, this is the kind of effort that will save the city. The people of Cedar Rapids came together and helped, offered a hand, supported and rescued. This heroic effort is why Cedar Rapids will survive and even thrive.

That was the Bad and Good. Now the ugly. Every city or community have some dimwits and dumbasses. CR is no exception. Although very minimal, there were a small handful of things that raised my ire.

First of all, people stopping on the freeway to get out of their cars to take videos and pictures. You selfish assholes are putting everyone else at risk and only thinking about yourselves and your sensationalistic evidence that you have witnessed a disaster. You people make me sick.


Secondly, you morons impersonating Emergency personnel or National Guard members, just to get closer to the "action." What the hell do you hope to accomplish? Something to brag about to your buddies? What a stupid act of what? I don't even know... These people should be fined, slapped (literally) and do 10000 hours of community service.

And finally, you jerks and selfish, self-centered low-lifes who were knowingly, blatantly and defiantly not complying with the water conservation effort. This might be the lowest of lows. According to the CR Gazette (newspaper), 11% of the population were not conserving water. Well gee whiz, at least they're honest! No showers, doing dishes, laundry were part of this conservation plan. If people did not adhere to this, the city would have lost ALL water and then have to go to a Boil order. Not a good situation at all. There were people out watering their lawns, hosing off their sidewalks, taking showers, flushing their toilets after each use, etc. Thoughtless and gutless. Kudos to those restaurants that served food on paper plates, plastic-ware, etc. Also congrats to those few eateries that shut off their sink water and offered up hand-sanitizer. There were even a few that brought in porta-potties. Then there are places like Lone Star Steakhouse which blatantly disregarded all of the above and decided that any reaction to the disaster was a "corporate" decision. You chicken-shit punks... Lone Star has been a "less than stellar" restaurant for many, many years, and continues to cement their reputation as a bottom-feeder in the food business. On the flip-side, Hamburger Mary's did the opposite. They even put little notes on each table, explaining that they are consciously making an effort to conserve water and how they are doing it. Oh, and the food was phenomenal.

In any event, CR has a lot of rebuilding to do. This was a tragic occurrence. People's lives have been impacted in ways that are unimaginable. However, the silver lining to me, is how this community came together, helped each other and perhaps became a stronger community. Does it take a disaster to bring people, families, friends and even strangers together? Who knows, but I do feel a lot better about rebuilding this city knowing that almost 90% of the community is working together to make it better (the other 10% can go eat at Lone Star and catch salmonella).

Throwin' Down with the Daves

Another season of Idol is all but wrapped up and all we have left is to announce the winner at tonight's raucous finale. Who is going to pull it off tonight? Our resident rockin, sockin, straight talkin Cookie Jarvis? or that little Bear-haired hobbit with the stalker dad Archuletta?

Before we discuss individual performances, let's take a look at the overall show... New Stage! Simon is wearing a Blazer!

Well, that is about it. Oh, and the silly little boxing theme was a new wrinkle. Please... Jim Lampley from HBO's Boxing after Dark? We can do better than this, Idol producers! Apparently, our singers were coached by Clive Davis and Andrew Lloyd Weber (again). Their analysis of our finalists was pretty vanilla and blah at best. Tell us something new, you old foagerts!

The other part of the overall show, is the song selection criteria. I was wondering what absolute horrid sap-encrusted ballad they would make them both sing at the end, complete with the 900 backup singers wearing graduation gowns. Thankfully, and mercifully, they have done away with that over-produced nonsense.

Instead, we have:

1. Clive Davis choice (yawn)
2. Songwriter Selection: This is new. Instead of the producers picking ONE crappy song for them to both sing, they get to choose one of their own liking.
3. Pick whatever they want.

So let's get on with it...

Cookie Crisp:

Song 1: U2's "Still Haven't' Found What I'm Looking for" was Clive's pick for Cook. I thought it was pretty darn good. Nothing mind-blowing, but still solid. No mistakes, no pitch problems (Randy). Good way to start the show!

Song 2: The songwriter song "I have no idea what the name is." by Whatstheirface. Well it was definitely a rocker song, and for something I have never heard of, I thought it was quite good. I listened, I was entertained and I think that song would receive radio play. However, it was lacking familiarity, which sometimes hurts. Again, no flaws and a great job! The judges were being punks and didn't give Cook enough credit.

Song 3: The World I know by Collective Soul: Although, he did a fine job on this piece, it just didn't have the knockout punch that I was hoping for. Instead, Cook went a different route--he picked this song for the message and what it meant to him. Although I respect the he11 out of him for staying true to himself, it might not have been the best "strategic" move for Cookie.

Overall, I was impressed, but slightly disappointed. He performed well, he sang great, but the song choices might have been better. I agree with Simon in that if he would have went with Billie Jean or Elinor Rigby, etc, he could have taken the round.

Bear Hair Archie:

Song 1: Clay Aiken's Don't Let the Sun go Down on Me. Oh wait, that was Elton John. I was shocked that they picked this song, since no one can touch Clay's version of it. Still, the hobbit did pretty good with it. Nothing special, but just good Archuletta-branded nasally ballad goodness! I do take issue, however, with Randy's aphrodisiac-laced stroking of this kid after the song. For f**k's sakes, it wasn't that great!!! You would think that this was the best performed song of all time after watching Randy lose his bodily functions. Give me a break, drama-queen!

Song 2: Songwriter song--"In this Moment" by whocares. Typical title and typical sound for a finale song. Again, blah, blah, blah... Frodoletta did a decent enough job on this ballad to keep the crowd and the judges happy. Again, is he out of his comfort zone at all? I think not. Actually, the most noticeable thing about the performance was that ridiculous jacket he had on. It looked like it had toilet paper stuck to the side of it, but upon further review, it was some cheeseball anchor. Then I saw the back of it, and hey, another anchor! What is this, Gilligan's Island? Hey Archie, Goodwill called, they want their Mariner jacket back! Who thought of this? I was so distracted by that anchor coat, I stopped listening. Again, the judges went overboard (anchors away?) with their delusional commentary.

Song 3: Imagine by John Lennon, Been there done that. Yes, it was one of his better earlier performances, but we already heard it! In addition, I thought he sung it better the first time! In this latest version, he added a bunch of runs to try to impress the judges. They took the kool-aid and heaped praise upon young Starchie. Apparently, this song put him over the top, and according to Simon, was the knockout blow to David Cook.

After giving it some thought, I am now wondering if Simon went out of his way to pump up Bear-hair's stock, in order to get more support and sympathy votes for Cookie. Simon is a marketing guru, and everyone knows that Cookie is going to sell more records than Starchie. I think the vote will be closer than a lot of people think.

I am calling this show a draw, as both singers were good, but not great. The judges would have you believe that Frodo won by a landslide--I think NOT!

Regardless of who wins tonight, I will not be surprised either way. I will say this though... Archie needs this win more than Cookie. Cook will sell more cds because his music and voice are marketable long term. However, Archie's style of music is dull, boring and sappy. He may sell a few records to a few teens and grammas, but he will soon be forgotten. An Idol win would at least push sales of his first album and get him more face time with the world. As a 2nd place finisher, he will be another Justin Guarini, that mop-headed doofus from season 1. Who will win? Too close to call

In conclusion, great season, so-so finale. I wish both finalists well. I give Archie a hard time, but he is a good kid and I hope he stays that way. I think Cook will be more successful in the music industry. He is also a good guy and deserves to have success.

I think they need to look at the judges for next year. Randy and Paula have worn thin, and their acts are getting stale. Randy with his "pitchy" comments and "just aight with me" blurbs are tiresome. Paula's medicinal-laced rants are beyond bizarre. I still like Simon and his K-Mart v-necks though--he can stay...


OUT (until next season)

Woody Woodpecker and the 3 Bear(hairs)

So last night, I had to sit through the whole one hour show, including those nauseating commercials to catch Idol, due to my DVR being on the fritz. It was a long hour, to say the least.

I was not impressed with their recaps of the previous night's songs--they were too short, and I didn't get a feel for what was what. What little I did see gave the impression that Cookie is in the driver's seat to win this thing.

So, let's recap the "kick-off" show. I don't usually do these, but I gotta get out of my comfort zone once in a while, eh?

First of all, I thought the format of the show was actually pretty good. The hometown visits were impressive and overwhelming to our performers. The first one was little Bear-hair Archuletta. He must have felt like the Beatles when all the goofy little teenieboppers were screaming at him and crying and trying to rip out his bear lettuce. Starchie is clearly not down with this element, so God bless him for being such an "innocent." I hope he stays that way, as fame has a knack of wrecking even the sturdiest of souls.

Ok, so let's cut to commercial--duh, like we didn't see that coming. The Ford commercial was one of the lamest I've seen. They really pushed the envelope on worshipping materialistic goods. "Hey look at my cars, SUVS and pools! I am famous, so go f*** yourselves!" I think they could have sent a more appropriate message.

Next, we have the former Idol winner Phantasia returning to perform. It was more like Spaz-tasia meets Woody Woodpecker. What the f*** was that garbage? That may well be the single worst former-Idol performance I have ever witnessed. And unlike Syscreecha, who is eye-candy, Phantasia is more like eye-headcheese. What the he11 was that bright red crap on her noggin? Is she auditioning for Grace Jone's part in Conan the Destroyer? The only thing she destroyed was her reputation as a respected artist. I am not sure I understood a thing that came out of her mouth. Good grief ,that was bad, and did you see Simon's face during that trainwreck? I was laughing my @ss off!

So back to the good performers.... Sloesha was next on her trip home. I think her dad needs to understand what TMI means. Did he really have to tell a zillion people that his daughter singing is keeping him off crack and meth? It may be a good story, but not to be shared by everyone and their dog. She also went back to the Doll-Head look, much to my chagrin. She is drop-dead with straight hair and could be a model. actress, whatever. Oh well, to each their own.

And then Cookie. Neat story about his brother, and then he went on stage as well. Cook's trip home was pretty cool, but I must say it was turned up a hundred notches when he returned to his elementary school and brought his old music teacher flowers. It was one of those things that warms the cockles of the heart ( I have no idea what a cockle is). Seriously, that moment cemented Cook as one of my all-time fave idol contestants---he is a class act.

And without further ado and further embarrassment (Spaz-tasia), here we go with the Top 3. They all stood together, and you can tell they like each other, which is cool. I didn't realize bear-hair is so wee.... He is a chihuaha among the big dogs.

So after the break (thanks Seakrust for really shocking us with THAT one), we will find out. Yes, as you know, it was poor Sloesha who got the boot. As many have predicted, it is David vs David, or DAVID vs david.

Let's face it folks, unless the Idol producer make them sing all sappy ballads next week, this is Cook's contest to lose. The final song will be some melodramatic load of sap with too many backup singers (as is the custom). The smart cookie will figure out a way to beat the balladeering hobbit at his own game. It will be a great competition. But seriously, who the he11 is going to sell more records? Look at Daughtry's #s compared to Reuben, Clay and Elliot's. It's not even close.

Stay tuned for the battle royale. And will somebody please tape it for me, just in case my effing DVR blows up on me again? Thanks!


OUT

Rock and Roll Over in my Grave

I thought last night was supposed to be Rock and Roll Hall of Fame night? Out of eight songs, there was only ONE true rock and roll song, which was Baba O'Reilly by our esteemed rocker DaCook. Another disappointing and upchuck-inducing night of crappy reggae, motown covers and freaking ballads. Stick to the genre, ya mooks!

At any rate, this was supposed to be Cookie's night to shine, and overall I thought he did a great job. Could he have done better? He11's Bells YES! I would have loved to hear some actual rockers, but I guess I was not that shocked by the other three's choices.

It would have been cool to bring Alice Cooper, Stephen Tyler or Gene Simmons to be the mentor, but alas, it was not to be. Instead, we get Sanjaya, Chicken Little and Space Ace Young. Speaking of ho's, was that Antoiletta Barba in the audience???

At least we didn't have the judges all confused, as the format of the show went back to normal. Last week was a trainwreck that I would soon like to forget.

On to the performances that didn't rock:

1. Cookie Jarvis: Hungry Like the Wolf??? When that song first came out, it was "new wave," not rocknroll. I was stunned when I heard he chose that. However, he changed it up and rocked it out as well as anyone could. I was actually impressed. His second song "Baba O'Reilly" by the Who was spot on and actually fit the genre (in my opinion, of course) better than anything else sung last night. Overall, I am putting him in first for the night.

2. Sloesha Mercenary: She looked fantastic, but after I learned that she was doing "Proud Mary", I think I threw up in my mouth a little. Not only is this song done every freaking season, but it's always the fahrfevnugen Tina Turner version! It's a CCR song for cripes sakes! I hated it, and the song should be banned from the show. Her second song was something I never heard of, (Sam Cook) but it was just AIGHT for me. I appreciate her emotional attachment to it, but again, it is not really a rocker. I am disappointed because I thought she was going to wow us. Hopefully she keeps the straight hair--the doll-head thing is a travesty.

3. Jason Castaway: Dred-boy will be getting a job at the post office, cuz he has MAILED it in. This was by far his worst night, and like Simon, I was pretty irritated. This goofy guy had potential early on, but clearly his mind is not in the game at this point. I think he misses his reefer and hangin out with his other stoner pals. His tortured rendition of "I shot Omar Shariff" was a pile of bovine fecal matter. AND then on his second song "Mr Tambourine Man", he forgot the words (brain cell damage). He recovered, but too little too late. Pack your bags, and your hair, boy--you goin home!

4. The Hobbit: Hey guess what, Archuletta is going with a ballad!! Holy sh*t!!!!!! I am stunned and amazed! Although, solid vocally, as he usually is, the hobbit just bores me to tears. The only thing that keeps me watching, is marveling at why his lips aren't more chapped. What the he11 was he doing with his eyebrows last night?? It reminds me of the muppets on Sesame Street. I think Frank Oz was manipulating Archie's face with wires and hooks. So he sung "Stand by Me" and "Love me Tenderloin", and neither had me jumping for joy. Randy Fatson, again, was stroking the Hobbit excessively this week and needs to be put down.

Randy needs to shut his cakehole--his commentary is about as useful as Paula's liver. Then he made Sloesha cry! Big meanie!

Overall, the Rock and Roll Hall of Shame night was a disappointment, but not a surprise. When Castro is gone, there will be one rocker, one balladeer and one motown r&b singer. At least out of the three of them, Cookie Jarvis is the only one brave enough to mix it up and take risks.

Rankings for Wuss and Roll night:

1. Cookie Jarvis
2. Hobbit
3. Sloesha
4. Postal Boy

I can't even fathom anyone going home tonight that is not named Jason Castro. However, the Hobbit needs to go back to the Shire and learn what rock and roll is. Stay tuned for tonight's Kick Off show, where Frodo and Gandalf are set to perform ballads.


OUT

Virtual Shopping Spree

Oh my gosh—I have discovered the greatest thing since squeezable mayonnaise! You can actually buy things over the internet! Ok, I will quit pretending that this is a novel idea—I mean let’s be real—internet commerce has been alive and kicking for some time now.

I must admit that the first time I made a purchase online, I was very nervous. Internet security was not as advanced as it is now, and there were these creepy “hackers” everyone kept talking about just waiting to leech onto your credit card numbers. So I made sure I went to a site that had the little shield at the bottom of the screen that “ensured” protection against these world wide weasels. Fortunately for me, my box of 1999 Hockey cards made it to me safely and without incident.

The rest is history. I am now an Internet buying guru. Almost everything I own and most gifts I have purchased have been online. If you can’t find it locally, NO PROBLEM-order it online! I actually do try to support the local businesses as much as possible, but there are just some things you can’t find around here.

For example, the Shamwow towels you might have seen on TV peddled by the ubiquitous Billy Mays, that black-bearded ball of boisterous bullpucky. Well, he sold me, and now I have eight Shamwow towels for the price of four! Yes, I ordered them online and when I ripped them open, I immediately poured an entire glass of orange juice on one, and I’ll be darned, but it soaked up the whole thing and wanted seconds!

I’ve ordered everything from CDs to snowblowers, folks. I have every virtual store bookmarked. Books, shoes, videos, vitamins, outerwear, underwear, socks, shocks, and jocks—it’s all covered and neatly indexed on my computer.

I think this buying online thing is especially great for the male gender. A lot of guys don’t like to go out shopping for stuff, me included. Buying online gives guys the outlet to get guy stuff and never leave the sofa. We can watch football while ordering man shavers and toy cars… you know--those necessities in life.

The best thing about buying online, is that you can get rid of all the junk when you are done with it by selling it on Ebay. If anyone is interested in some towels and a nose hair trimmer, just look up my handle on the internet…