"Be Careful" in the 'Ville

Idol is off to Louisville, where there is a long-standing controversy on how to pronounce the name… Louisville is pronounced Lullville by most natives there. However, there is a sign that suggests other pronunciations are as equally acceptable. In any event, who cares.
By all accounts, last night’s show was as dull as dirtpies. There were some good ones, but nothing really outstanding. There were some bad ones, but nothing crazy enough to be memorable. I’m hoping for more fireworks from next week’s shows.

Let’s get on with it… The best singer on the show last night was probably the girl who moved to LA at age 16 by herself. What the hell kind of parents would let their daughter do this? LA is the armpit of America, a place where teens go to become p0rn stars and crack whores. Fortunately ( I hope), this wasn’t the case for Joanna Pacitti. She was very good, but like Carly Smithson from last year, she has already cut a few records and was even signed by a label. She has a head-start on her competition, that’s fo sho.

Another good one was the guy who sang Bad Company. I later found out that he was a finalist from Nashville Idol’s Season 2. What is up with these 2nd Chancers showing up in Lullville?
The other good singer worth noting was the last girl to go (Lenesha Young ) who comes from a poor background. She did her own original song and kicked the horsecrap out of it! I would like to see her do well on this show. There were a few others that were decent like Teen Mom with “to-be” husband at Aaaaaaaarmy Training with Bill Murray and John Candy.

Now for the $hits and giggles part of the show… the first girl was a blonde shipwreck who howled like a banshee and turned Mariah Carey’s Hero into a Zero. Her dad should try out for Bono impersonations though.

Then there’s Mudd in your eye as Mark Mudd does his best redneck rendition of White Lightning. He is the epitome of hickdom. He says “be careful” to the judges, but they interpreted him incorrectly when he obviously meant “take care.” Still, what a Goober. He should focus more on driving responsibly.

Zebra-face and Over the Rainblow chick about forced me to wretch as they were simply horrific.
The worst of the bunch though was geechy guy with his Asian symbols that he called radicals. First of all, get some new teeth—those chiclets were jacked up. I think you could fit a Yugo between each pearly yellow. Secondly, nice forking suit—you stand out like dogsh*t on white carpet. Thirdly, your song choice and singing was below the level of frog droppings. Nice guy though—his sipping through Paula’s straw was classic…

19 made it through the ‘ville when all is said and done. One more week of “odd” ditions. Will we find the next William Hung or Stinkjaya Maltomeal?


OUT

I left my Laugh in San Francisco

Idol made its way to the Bay Area last night, and for being such a large populace, it was extremely disappointing. 12 people are moving on to Hollow-wood.

The show started off with what could be argued as the most annoying contestant ever. The laughing hyena, supposedly form Puerto Rico, rudely and abruptly skewered my ear drums with a boisterous and blistering giggle from 10 leagues below “hell” level. She needed to be pushed to the floor. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen and she actually sung ok. I doubt this chucklehead will get past Hollywood, as her ego is bigger than her mouth. She’s a model/singer/dancer/actress/construction worker/pro football player, etc. And oh, by the way, nice fake accent, you Noob! Funny how she went from the Puerto Rican accent to plain old English…hahahahaha… hahahaha ha-ha.

Albino Beatboxer came up next and about put me to sleep with that crapchester performance.

The next guy takes the cake for appearances. He is wearing this plaid Herman Munster coat that is 15 sizes too big, but somehow seems appropriate. He looks like he may be part gorilla. If you morphed a gorilla with Tom Jones, you would have this guy. He actually wasn’t that bad, but his ape-like facial gestures and orangutan-colored hair got him fired. Welcome to the Jungle, baby—you gonna dieeeeeee!

Other notables on the show were Jesus and his 12 kids. How does someone who is auditioning for Idol have grown kids already? Did this guy start having babies when he was 15? In any event, Hayzeus is pretty good and gets the nod to go through. The kids were actually pretty cool and helped sway the judges to sing praise to Jesus.

There were a couple good girls that got very little airtime but made it through—why can’t we see them? Instead we are subjected to the aural and visual torture of Akilah, the girl with the notebook of medical terms about one’s esophagus, trachea, et al. The Idol producers can take a leap into a pool of cess for having me sit through this rancid segment. I wish I could have those 10 minutes back. Her singing was not horrible, nor was it any good—it was just blah. At least give me something to laugh about! The only remotely funny thing was her statement about rectums and singing from her reproductive areas…nice.

The dude from Hollywood who is in the play “Wicked” put on a wicked rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody—he was spot on—finally a candidate worthy of making it further. And lastly, the guy who is taking care of his mom—great story, great voice, great chance to go far. Simon Scowl said he had the personality of a cruise ship singer. I think I know what he meant, but it kind of came off as harsh.

Overall, SF was as stale as a 6 year old box of Rice-a-Roni, but I can see those last 2 going pretty far in this competition.


OUT

KC and the Sun shines on a Dogs @ss

Welcome to Kansas City which is in Missouri, not Kansas. Yah, that makes sense. Kinda like I live in Iowa City, Minnesota. In any event, Missouri is where we are, and is also the state of last season’s winner David Cook. It seems that the Midwest has a higher degree of normalcy than the kooks from the koasts.

Today is no exception. The show started off so bland and normal, that I can’t even remember any of it. There were two notable moments of Idol ridiculousness that I can recall; 1. The girl who sung Without You—I thought it would be good, but it was horrifying. The part I remember most though was when Simon Scowl said it sounds like a cat jumping off the Empire State Building, and that sound is what it would make right before it hits. I about p*ssed myself. 2. The classically trained opera singer. What the hell was that he was wearing—a stretched out underwear shirt under a black dinner jacket. I bet he had Dollar Menu cheeseburgers in each pocket. In any event, he sucked.

Again, my memory fails me—who can I rip on? Most of the second half of the show were by pretty good singers or just marginally bad. Nothing horrendous, although there was that guy with the banana—What the hell is that about? And he had bright orange slacks—what an assclown.

Some other good ones were the big burly bald guy and the girl who lives with her 93 yr old grandma. I think it would be cool if Grams could go to Hollywood with her. And the other very memorable “good“ performance came from Danny Gokey. His wife died just a few months before the auditions, so how can you not root for this guy, you heartless animals? He knocked his song out of the ballpark, which was “Heard it through the Grapevine”. He will go far I think.

One of the more surprising entries was Kumar from “Harold and Kumar go to White Castle.” Spittin’ image of Kal Penn, but dressed like a dork. He was actually pretty good, much better than that doof with the cheerleader entourage. Are you kiddin me? If he would have left those 2 tweedledums behind, he may have gotten through. The other weird audition I recall is only because she kept falling asleep in her chair. Too bad her performance made me want to put her to sleep permanently---good gawd that was farking nasty. Go back to nap time, nancy!

And finally, we again end on a positive note as Lil Rounds (nice name) comes on—we know it will be special because they spend about 15 minutes on her and her kids and her story and her house and her husband (who looks like he just turned 18). However, she is pretty personable and you kind of want her to do well. And do well she does.

In sum, they showed less freakshows in KC than in Phoenix, but judging by previews, we may see some kooky hijinks in next week’s shows. We can only hope so, so I can have more to write about.


OUT

American Idol Swimsuit Edition

Four hours, count em, 4 freakin hours of Idol in the last two days. That’s a lot of rubbish to endure, and rubbish is what we got on day one. After the obligatory flashback scenes, the first thing we see is Ryan Seacrust on the edge of the Grand Canyon—why can’t someone push him in? “THIS…. Is Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” ……thwap.

So this is the beginning of Idol Season 8—welcome to the Six-stop freakshow. Our first stop is “but it’s a dry heat” Phoenix. Thousands of sweaty teens and twentysomething twerps ready to get a verbal lashing. Who will be the first to push the Hoover of suckdom? They always have some dude with nutty hair going first, and Tuesday was no exception. This guy could star in a live-action adaptation of “Hair Bears – Grizzly Audition” It was crap and it should therefore, stay in the woods.

There was only one good memorable performance in the first half of the show, and that was by the tattooed rocker chick with pink hair who sang “Barracuda.” That was freaking awesome! That is a hard song to sing acapella or in Acapulco or whatever the hell it’s called. She kicked the song’s @ss. I predict good things for this girl.

The rest of the hour saw Dopey, Sneezy and Bashed-In. Dopey was the guy who looked like a rocker, but acted more like a cocker (spaniel). He was weepy and droopy—“I just want to be taken seriously!” How bout you kick yourself in the berries? Sleepy was the goony kid with the greasy black hair who about passed out on the floor—what the hell was that? And of course Bashed-In is what my ears were after that horrid Tears For Fears song that was butchered by a castrated Mickey Mouse.

I’ll be brief about Day 2…. Herman freaking Munster. That dude with the low voice made Herman Munster sound like Tiny Tim. WTF was up with that? The judges were right—DO VOICEOVERS! And let’s not forget Pink Cowboy hat girl with her ridiculous @ss-kissing of new judge Kara DiGiorno (it’s not Delivery). Tran$exual Chocolate tasted more like pickled sand, but hey he gets a new car for sucking!

There were a few better performances on Day 2—Horror Boy was good. Roughneck Man was decent although he sang a boy band song. And Bikini Girl! Fantastic! Well at least Simon thought so. I agreed with the ladies—she sucked mothballs. Simon and Randy couldn’t hear sh*t as they were tricked by the tramp. She then proceeded to suck face with Seacrust, who got a taste of Cowell’s @ss. I hope she falls off the stage in Hollywood and sprains her throat

The night ended on a positive note with the virtually blind guy Scott making it through to Hollyweird. I suspect he will actually sound better when he gets to play his piano.

All in all, the Phoenix did not rise from the ashes—it was a farghing disaster of epicurean proportions. Bimbos and Babies, Nuts and Dolts who sound like Lou Holtz. Stay tuned for the KC re-crap!


OUT

To Heck with Jack Frost

Greetings and welcome to another Iowa winter! I know most of you are shaking your heads and spewing curse words at me—HEY, I feel your pain! I like Iowa winters as much as I like annual dental checkups. They both hurt, and the thought of them elicit a sense of doom, gloom and dread. Yet here we are, still here after all these years. How many times have you thought about moving to a warmer location? Dream on, Iowans…

We live here because we like having different seasons—each one of the three (four, if you count spring) helps us appreciate all the different changes we encounter. I don’t count spring anymore, because quite frankly, I think it’s left the building. Spring skips Iowa—it goes straight from winter to summer. Where else can you have 20 degrees and snow one day, and sunny skies and 75 the next day?

At any rate, we are talking about winter and snow and ice and sleet. After you add the sand and the salt, our streets become a 7 Layer Salad of sludge. There are plenty of reasons to hate Iowa winters and I will gladly list my Top 10 reasons:

10. Snowblowers that blow snow back in your face—I hate that!

9. Snowplows that block your driveway with mammoth chunks of ice—thanks a lot!

8. Taking out the trash and recycle bin and falling on your ass because of that ice patch

7. People who forget how to drive in winter and rear-end you

6. Morons in 4x4’s who think they can defy physics. Yup, brakes are overrated-driver, meet ditch…

5. Getting out of bed—can’t we be like bears and hibernate?

4. Wind Chill—talk about insult to injury—why do we have to endure this cruel add-on?

3. Shopping – holiday shoppers can be rude, crude and violent. Is that overpriced Cabbage Patch Elmo whatchamacallit worth trampling each other over?

2. It’s dark out at 5:00! If winter isn’t depressing enough, let’s make everything darker and colder for most of the day--brilliant!

1. Ice – Snow is bad enough, but we seem to get more than our fair share of ice. Nothing screams panic attack quite like your car sliding downhill sideways—whoohooo!
Now don’t get me wrong—there are a few things that are good about winter in Iowa. I don’t want to be a negative nelly. In winter, it is acceptable to lie around the house all weekend and watch football on TV. You also don’t have to mow the lawn and pick up dog poo. Some of us put on a little extra weight, you know, as insulation to, ahem, protect us from the cold. Underneath all the layers of clothing and road salt, ARE reasons to like winter—you just gotta dig through the slushy muck to find them.

Seasons to Savor

Tis the season of winter and all through the house, not a creature was stirring… ok, you get the picture. It’s the nuttier than a fruitcake holiday time of year, and are you ready for it? I believe the madness starts right around the Thanksgiving holiday and continues until New Year’s Day. However, it seems to be creeping closer and closer to Halloween, and then you have Christmas marketing for three months straight. If I hear that Menard’s jingle with the unintelligible words again, I will shop at HO HO Home Depot from that point going forward.

In addition to the shopping sprees and consumer conundrums, there is the special holiday MENU to think about. It seems that the holidays are the perfect alibi for stuffin’ ourselves like the Thanksgiving turkey we just mowed down. In addition to the traditional holiday fare, there are some unique delicacies to sample as well as seasonal libations.

I have compiled a list of seasonal snackers and tantalizing treats that will make your mouths water, or make you run far, far away.

In addition to the good standbys; turkey, ham, Christmas cookies, fudge and pumpkin pie, here are the other items you see (or don’t see) around the holidays:

Sugar plums – I have no idea what these are and I have never seen one-I think they are fictional.
Chestnuts – Sounds more like a medical condition.
Fruitcake – It’s neither a fruit nor a cake. Whatever it is, it is not good.
Goose – Do people really eat these?
Mincemeat Pie – The “headcheese” of desserts. No thanks, I’ll pass
Meringue Cookies – If you like the taste and texture of chalk, then these are for you!
Plum Pudding – Another make-believe dessert, or at least on the endangered species list.
Summer Sausage and Cheese – Why do people only eat summer sausage in the winter?
Roast Beast – It’s what the Hoos from Hooville eat, and I want to know where I can get one.
Eggnog – Nothing like fat in a glass! One cup = ten zillion calories
Candy Canes – Has anyone ever taken them out of the plastic wrap and not broken it?
Wintergreen - Ok, it's a flavor, but why anyone likes it is beyond me. Nothing like the deliciousness of Pepto Bismol and Skoal chewing tobacco--mmmm, tasty.

So another delectable season of strangeness lies ahead. Go forth and venture into new culinary territory! But do so at your own risk and buyer beware! I will stay true to my tradition of ordering Chinese food and pizza--sausage and chestnuts, please!

Happy Holidays!

Political Prattle

As we wind down to the upcoming election, we reflect on the barrage of campaigning, slogans, punditry and propaganda, and like most folks, I’m just tired of it.

Let’s just get this Presidential vote over with, so we can go on with our lives. The media blitz that bombards are TVs, radios and internet is a non-stop circus of epic proportions. It’s 24x7 coverage of every move, every word, and every gesture that our candidates make. If they sneeze, we will hear about it on FOX News. If one of the candidates has a rash from too much sun, CNN will make sure we are notified.

Remember when we judged our Political candidates by what they stood for, their platform? Is that getting lost among all the rigmarole? No wonder no one knows who to vote for these days. We are busy people—we need to know the facts! I don’t know about you people, but I don’t have time to watch or listen to 18 news stations every day about what so-and-so believes and how they changed their opinion six times on four different issues.

On top of that, you have your clearly biased talk show radio hosts who cram reckless interpretations of their beliefs down our throats, as if they were facts. Opinions are like bad hair days, and these people have several. It worries me that there are a lot of people who take this stuff as gospel and choose to vote without really knowing what they are voting for.

It’s time for the media, both news and talk radio, to be more responsible in their coverage of these huge political events! This is our future. Letting some loose-lipped hacks with hidden agendas influence the folks who don’t have access to the facts is a scary proposition.

Both Presidential and VP candidates are human and have made mistakes in their lives. Both Presidential and VP candidates have their advantages and disadvantages. Before making decisions on race or gender or because someone’s “easy on the eyes”, please do your country and yourself and family a service and do your due diligence in knowing who and what you are voting for. What is important to you?

Regardless of the perpetual media blitz, it is still we the people that need to wrap our heads around this election and vote with a common purpose. We need to demand better from our leaders, from our media and from ourselves.