Worldwide Kitchen: Waxing Brazilian

We're on to the letter "B" in our trip around the world of international taste travels, and we have landed in the country of Brazil. We also looked at Belgium and Bolivia. We thought Bahrain might be a little tough to tackle, so we eliminated that off our list early on. Belgium finished a close second though!

Once again, Lauri and I researched the internet perusing several websites for Brazilian treats, and we came across several that had significant samplings of South American flavors. We opted for a seafood dish this time and wanted to take it easy on the yard-birds since we used those for the Armenian feast. We also wanted to make sure we had a vegetable dish, a bread item and a (gasp) dessert! If you read the last blog, you will recall that we blundered and bollixed that dessert like monkeys and footballs. Would Brazilian dessert serve us up the same fate?

So on to the menu... We decided on a shrimp dish called "Vatapa" which consisted of a rue-like sauce with onions, crushed nuts, red chilies, garlic and smooshed up bread served with boiled shrimp over a bed of rice. For the vegetable, we chose a Brazilian potato salad called "Maionese" which sounds a lot like mayonnaise (for good reason, as you will find out). For the bread, we found a popular Brazilian item called "Queijo" which translates to cheese rolls. And then for dessert, we picked "Quindim" which is Portuguese for PAIN IN THE ASS, or otherwise known as egg and coconut pudding.

In this go-around, Lauri and I wanted to make sure the ingredient list wasn't too difficult to come by, since last time we got stymied on currants, and pine nuts were too expensive. Everything looked relatively harmless with the most unusual ingredient being tapioca starch for the, you guessed it, dessert from hell. Tapioca starch, eh? The local HyVee has all kinds of flours, starches and organic ingredients--should be a piece of cake, right?

Shopping: So off we go to the store with ingredient list in hand. The first time we went shopping for our Armenian dinner, we went to the nice, big HyVee with big aisles and helpful smiles. The other HyVee that we chose to shop at this time had tight aisles and harmful frowns, with a side of rudeness and Seinfeld-like jerkstore behaviors from the regulars. What is the deal with people hanging around the end of an aisle blocking the entrance/exit while they look at the plethora of taco seasoning packets? Is there that big a difference between Old El Paso and Ortega??? At $.29 a packet, I'm thinking "just pick both, lady!"

In our usual fashion of wandering down aisles, we hit our first road-bump for finding red chilies... UGH. I asked the produce girl if they had such a thing, and she quipped, "Why no sir, we don't." GREAT. So I hit the salad section and picked up a tube of red chili paste-this will have to do. Everything else was attainable and easy until it was time for the tapioca starch. Ezqueeze me, I baking powder? Yes, we have no tapioca starch today! Again, we strike out on a key ingredient, so after milling about aimlessly in the Ethnic section, we decided to hit the specialty Mexican grocery store downtown. The excitement was back and we bounded out to the car with a renewed sense of purpose... That is, until the Mexican store had NOTHING of the sort. I asked the grocer lady if she even heard of such a thing and she said NO way, Hose Ay. So let's use cornstarch, okay? Starch is starch, right? Wrong.

Prep: Prep was a breeze compared to Armenian night which took about six hours. Brazil night only required about three hours. Once again, we tag-teamed on getting stuff ready. I handled the veggie prep and Lauri got all the dry and wet ingredients in order. Once again, I found myself peeling potatoes and probably a little of my knuckles for about 30 minutes. I also cut and chopped carrots, onions, hearts of palm, olives and green beans. I had quite a nice batch of diced veggies for the potato salad. By the way, this is the first time, we have ever had heart of palm... it had the consistency and look of string cheese and tastes a bit like water chestnuts, but the texture was much softer, like a hard-boiled egg. In any event, stirred all that stuff up into a bowl with an entire jar of mayonnaise and at that point, I figured out why they call this dish "maionese." Once I had the potatoes well-boiled, I cooled them off in cold water, and mixed them up with their veggie brethren, then popped it into the fridge.

Lauri had begun prep on the cheese rolls and egg/coconut pudding dishes. She had to separate an entire carton of eggs and only use egg yolks for the pudding. 12 egg yolks for a snack pack of pudding? Holy cholesterol, fatman! She added coconut milk, shredded coconut, sugar and even more sugar. Into the oven it went, and we were hoping that it would set.

The cheese rolls were a bit easier as it required starch, eggs, parmesan cheese and water. Again, we had to opt for a substitute ingredient and used cornstarch instead of the mysterious tapioca starch, which I am not even sure exists. And once again, we crossed our fingers that these would turn out okay.

And finally, the main course. We used frozen shrimp, (which was already cooked) and just let it thaw. The recipe called for frozen shrimp, but I would recommend raw, as cooked frozen shrimp dries out really quickly when cooking.

In the meantime, Lauri was blending the bread chunks with coconut milk to get that thick saucy goodness ready. I got the trusty slap-chop device out and proceeded to pummel an onion, garlic and red chili paste into oblivion for the rue. I also reduced two cups of cashews and peanuts into a fine powder with this wonderful, as-seen-on-TV device. Once I was finished crushing defenseless ingredients, I had to take a shower. I never knew how much work went into all that cutting board violence. With the shrimp thawed, the veggies and nuts chopped, it was time to start cooking.

Cooking: The potato salad was done and sitting in the fridge getting cold. We already tasted it, and it was exceptional and we will probably make it again. The pudding was just getting done. Lauri stuck a fork in it and it came out clear. AWESOME, we are two for two! Not so fast, my friend... She put it in a pan of ice water to cool and after about 20 minutes, dumped it out onto a plate. SPLAT! That freaking pudding was set on top, but the bottom was still runny and hotter than liquid hot magma. The old lady was beside herself (not unlike me a few weeks ago) and threatened to throw it into the sink. I had to calm her down by offering her a nice rum drink. So we threw it back in the bundt tin, and stuck it in the freezer.

The first batch of cheese rolls had just come out of the oven and they looked like those cheddar biscuits you get at Red Lobster. They had no smell whatsoever and when we sampled one, it was as bland as uhhh, cornstarch. Yes, the damned cornstarch dominated the little biscuits and masked the parmesan cheese. They were also as dense as Jupiter. Still, they looked wonderful.

The shrimp dish was going swimmingly as the rue came together with the sautéing of the onions, garlic and red chili paste, mixed with some olive oil and the smooshed bread. Then we boiled the shrimp. We took the shrimp water and added it slowly to the rue and it thickened nicely. We made some rice to accompany the sauce and it turned out beautifully. Then finally we added the shrimp to the rue mixture and things were looking good.

Until we checked the pudding again... Although it sat in the freezer for a good 30-45 minutes, it still had the consistency of gravy. What is it with us and desserts? We are Oh for TWO on dessert items. However, I wanted to take a picture of everything, so I blended the pudding water with the cooked chunks into a smoothie-like mixture and poured it into martini glasses, and then I put a little whip cream on top. I happened to get a couple snapshots before the whip cream literally sunk to the bottom the glass.

TIME to EAT! Everything looked delectable and we couldn't get our hands on that potato salad fast enough. It was chilled to perfection and ready to hit our gullets. The rice and shrimp mixture was staring us in the face as if to say, "Hey, we are the main course, chuckleheads--EAT US!" To be fair, I plated the shrimp dish next to the potato salad before I dug in. We then begrudgingly took a couple cornstarch rolls knowing that meh... they are a dense, tasteless ball of cement, but we felt obligated to each have one to complete the meal.

The shrimp dish was very tasty, but surprisingly, lacked heat. It was very nutty and earthy with the crushed nuts and onions dominating the flavor profile. You would think with red chilies added, that it would pack a little fire, but alas, the dish was cooler than the Fonz punching Ralph Malph in the arm. It was still tasty and how can you not love shrimpies? The potato salad was definitely the star of the show, as it was perfect in every way. Cool, creamy and chock full of flavors. I ate part of the cheese roll and snuck the rest of it to the dogs who were chewing on them like rawhide before swallowing.

Since we had tasted and sampled so many things before the actual dining experience, we became full quicker than normal. The pudding syrup would have to wait. Then, the unenviable task of cleanup took place and leftovers put away. I packed away some potato salad for my sister and mom and left a little bit for Skye (our son). He ate it the next day and seemed to like it a lot. Then I told him it had hearts of palm, and he turned 3 shades of blue. "You can't even tell it's in there, man!" You know these young people--if it doesn't have cheese, meat or ketchup, it's no good!

So that wraps up the Brazilian Feast, and for the most part, it was a success. Overall, it was less spicy than you would think for South American fare, but delicious nonetheless. Again, there are a few ingredients that are hard to find, or may trip you up if the right substitute is not available.

Viva la Brasilia and keep adding that spice to your culinary experience!

Next up: C is for Cambodia

World Wide Kitchen - A is for Armenian

Once upon a time, my wife Lauri and I were dining in Iowa City, and as we were eating, we discussed having a joint cooking night once a month where we would take a country, starting with the letter "A" and make a feast honoring that country's local cuisine. We spent the next hour going over all the "A" and "B" countries that we could experiment with and came up with Armenia for our first project. The next day, as we were killing time in a Barnes and Noble Book store, we happened across some International Cookbooks to give us some ideas and a head start.

The next few weeks were spent on Google looking up recipes that sounded good and were not unreasonably difficult. We found several websites dedicated to Armenian cooking and recipes and found that the food was similar to Mediterranean, Greek and a touch of Middle Eastern. So we landed on Armenian Chicken Pilaf, Red Lentil and Potato Kuftah, a Salad and Homemade Apricot candy. Sounds easy enough, right? NOT so fast my friend!

Shopping: This turned out to be an adventure as we were in search of items we never bought before. Dried currants, pine nuts, lentils to name a few. We went to one of the bigger grocery stores just to be on the safe side. The veggies and chicken were easy enough to find, however, we struck out on currants. We also came across pine nuts and noted that all the other nuts and seeds were $1.99, but a small bag of pine nuts cost $11.99... HUH? I then decided that perhaps we can substitute soy nuts for pine nuts and save us $10. We came across lentils in the dried bean section, but not the red kind. We finally made it over the organic food section and found red lentils in the bulk-help-yourself section, so we hid the other lentils behind some almond milk and grabbed the red ones. We also grabbed some dried cherries to substitute for the currants. Shopping = DONE!

Prep: This turned out to be quite the project as onions, tomatoes and potatoes had to be chopped, peeled, de-seeded, de-veined, de-iced and de-glazed. Honestly, our cutting board got quite the workout. The most physically challenging of the prep work had to be the dried apricot "destruction." We really needed a food processor for this task, but all we had was the As Seen ON TV "slap chop" device. Both of us hammered away at these chewy gooey fruits for 15 minutes until sweat was dripping down my forehead and my wife's eyeballs were rolled back in her head.

Then it was on to the veggies... Tomatoes--peel and de-seed. I skipped the peel part and went to the seed removal. I basically cut all the inside parts of the tomato out so it was just a tomato shell when I got done. Just didn't seem right to rip the skin off too--what would be left? Then I cut those into small chunks and did it four times. Then it was time to prepare the taters. The recipe called for both diced and mashed. I peeled the potatoes, cut them in small chunks and dropped them in water. I took another potato and peeled that one, then cut into tiny diced cubes--put aside in more water. And then the onions--both the meat and veggie dishes called for onions and thankfully, they could be prepared the same way... chopped into smithereens. Once again, the Slap Chop made an appearance and I smashed those unjuns into little bits.

In the meantime, Lauri was attempting to make the apricot candy and was having a hell of a time getting the stuff to set up firmly, so I suggested using a little corn starch and water. This was not helpful, of course, because corn starch only works on stuff you don't need it to work on.

At this point, we started drinking and taking breaks. I was contemplating taking a shower.

Cooking: With most of the food ready to be cooked, we still had to "sort" out the lentils. Have you seen a lentil? They look like tiny microscopic watermelon seeds. How does one sort things of such miniscule profile? We examined them with the help of a Hubbell space telescope and they looked clean and in good working order. By the way, a lentil is from the legume family, which produces beans primarily. We never cooked lentils before so had to GTS (google that sh*t) it to get tips. It seems you have to boil them for anywhere between 10 minutes and an hour. DOH!

So we put the lentils in water and set to boil them, then started to boil the potatoes for mashing. The smaller diced potatoes needed to be fried so I fried them up and set them aside. As the lentils cooked, they had an odd aroma of cream of wheat and they started puffing up. Even after 30 minutes and doubling in size, the husks on these little seedlings were still tough as toenails, so we kept cooking them. Then the onions finally went down and I sautéed them in butter, salt and pepper until they were soft and not quite caramelized. Finally the lentils were soft enough (in my opinion) after 45 minutes. So I then mashed the taters, threw in the lentils and a cup of flour to make a doughy mixture that were to be shaped into balls. These dough balls were to be stuffed with the diced taters, onions, cherries and soynuts and then fried. Piece of cake, right? WRONG.

The next 30 minutes were spent in a profanity-laced tirade as these doughy balls from hell would not form or solidify. So I then added a little more flour. Lo and behold, the problem worsened and I had a sticky mess of mashed potato and lentil mortar paste. This mixture pissed me off so thoroughly that I took a handful of it and threw it in sink as hard as I could. The dough explosion splashed everywhere and when it splattered Lauri, I thought she was going to kick me in the lentils. Thankfully, she remained calm and understanding, which in turn, made me settle down a bit. This was, after all, supposed to be a fun project...

The chicken and rice were a slam dunk, thanks to Lauri's patience and good directions. Brown the chicken, add the veggies and stock, throw in the rice and simmer. It all came together quite nicely.

As the chicken and rice was cooking, I was still trying to make those freaking mush balls and I had resorted to pouring oil on my hands to keep that sludge from sticking to my digits. That cement would still not cooperate, so instead of trying to stuff the filling in and wrap the dough around it, we just took the filling, mixed it with the dough and started dropping it in the oil.

Now that we had it all figured out, it was time to EAT!

Eating: Everything smelled great and looked pretty darn good. We started with the salad, which had a few lettuce types, mixed in with a Greek vinaigrette, garbanzo beans and tomatoes. So far, so good. Then it was time to dive into the chicken and rice pilaf, which looked delicious, but deep down, we just wanted it to be cooked all the way. Nothing worse than slaving over a meal, then finding out the chicken is still raw in the middle after serving it. I cut into the thigh and breathed a sigh of relief as the yardbird was cooked perfectly. The rice, which was actual rice, not that minute crap, was also cooked to perfection (who knew?).

Then those painful potato paste puffs, well, they actually tasted pretty damn good, despite the nightmarish prep. They were fried to a golden brown and the flavors of the onions, cherries and the salty diced taters were nicely sprinkled throughout. Everything was seasoned nicely. It's amazing the contributions that simple kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper make to a meal when done appropriately.

Unfortunately, the apricot candy never made it to our gullets. After freezing it, scalding it, baking it, it stayed the same sludgy consistency from the get-go. We even set it out overnight to see if it would solidify - zip, nada, bubkas! I suggested putting it all in a jar and calling it jam, but the old lady told me to jam it between my knees.

All in all, it was a great experience and a successful first project. From recipe research to shopping, prepping, cooking and eating, this endeavor was met with an appetite for adventure and a hunger for the unknown.

Next up is B is for Brazil!

Is there a Priest in the House?

The 11th season of Idol is in the books… What have we learned and what have we taken away from this season? The Finale show last night was superb, as they have been the past several seasons. If you don’t choose to watch the show weekly, you should catch the finale anyway.

Once again, the big hitters showed up to perform (mostly) live and again, we have some amazing duets and lots of surprises.

As I defiantly stated, I was not interested in the showdown between Scoddy and Laurena. My understanding is that there were six country songs and Lauren actually had the better night. However, that would have just added to my disdain for the voting process as Scoddy has won every week by a landslide for several weeks (according to DialIdol.com). This week was no exception. So the results of the show last night were a foregone conclusion for me and I just wanted to enjoy the show for the other performances. And not just the performers, but the juggheads as well… We got to hear RJAXX rinse and repeat the phrase “in it to win it!” about six thousand times. Perhaps next year, we get a Randy doll to sit in, the kind with the pull string on the back, and have it say “in it to win it” and “it was pitchy”. The show could save some money that way. JLOW’s bit was cheesy, and Tyler’s bit was hilarious. The addition of LIPS and JLOW was great for the show.

On to the performances, and I’m not sure these are in order or not, so bare with it!

Group performance by everyone: I haven’t seen this much cheese since I visited that Wisconsin deli. All the posturing, posing, crotch-grabbing and other unsavory shenanigans was one big fondue pot of molten limburger. C+

And then Durbin gets to perform with one of my favorite bands of all time, Judas Priest! I had wondered out loud on several occasions before the show if the Priest would show up, and here they are! Total kick@ss performance and show by the British metal band. Keep in mind, these guys are 62 yrs old. Take that ya jackanapes! A+

Then Jakub Lush comes out with his flubbercheeks, and I didn’t hesitate for one second to fast-forward through the whole thing. I have earned the right to fast-forward anything that this goofstick sings, as I had to critique the horrid sounds that were emanating from his vocal septic tank all season long. F-

Grizzly Abrams and Jack Black: This was vocally, AWFUL. This duet was funny and very entertaining, but if you were to grade singing, it would get a D- … However, it was a neat diversion from the pressure of competition and I was still on a natural high from the freedom and relief of fast forwarding past Jakub Lush. B-

Girls doing a medley of stuff… It was fine, not sure if it was live or not—they all sounded too good. I’m a bit suspicious. To be honest, I forgot most of the girl’s names, but then again, I am not good with actual names. Most of the girls got eliminated too early so there ya go. B

Oh yah, and Beyonce came out with the ladies and showed them how do it right. A

Haley and Tony Bennett: Haley rocked and didn’t get enough exposure last night. She should have been in the final. Her duet with Tony was spot-on and all the other times she was highlighted, she showed everyone that she belonged in that finale. I’m hangin’ this on the producers and it should be a scream for help to install a new voting system…. A

Scoddy and McGraw: It was decent, well sung, nice chemistry. It smelled of leather and Marlboros. It had a brokeback mountain vibe to it. Nicely done… B

Marc Anthony with dirty dancing by JLOW… The singing was meh…. And in Espanol… Sheila E is in the house—she must be about 60 yrs old, but can still beat the skins. JLOW and her famous uhhh Dairy Air were proudly on display and made me wonder what their home life is like… B+

Guys with Tom Jones: What’s new pussycat? Having Durbin sing that made me laugh. Seeing Tom Jones made me chuckle a little as well. The ladies got Beyonce, who is current, and the guys get Tom Jones who they had to break out of a museum to show up. Tom Jones is so old, when he went to school, there was no such thing as a History class. C+

Lady GAGA: We finally get the live performance that we thought we were going to get a couple weeks ago. She is hugely talented and weird at the same time. Her wardrobe choices are beyond the boundaries of earth. However, the lady can sing, and play a piano like no one’s business. I respect that and I admire her for never having to use the godforsaken auto-tune! Thank YOU!! The song was cool, the production was slick, but my only criticism was that guy who was molesting her on the fake mountain. I wish he would have fell into a vat of molten cheese. A for Gaga… F for that chucklehead at the end.

Laurena and Carrie Spraytan Underwood: Nice sassy performance by both, although Carrie looked like she’s been fasting for two weeks—c’mon eat something, Underwood! Lauren held her own and will go on to be successful in the hee-haw world. A-

Beyonce Part Deux: Hmmmm, how does one guest singer get two different spots on the show? As much as I respect Beyonce, I have to say that this song caused emotional distress and excruciating discomfort. I had to take qtips to get all the sap out of my ears after that aural contamination. D+





U2 with Spiderman: by this time, it is obvious that everything is a promotion for something else. Oh wait, I figured that out in the first minute. It was decent with the funky acrobatics and whatnot. The song was well done. Does that Edge guy ever NOT wear a hat? I wonder if he has an exposed brain, perhaps born without a skull? The spider-kiss with JLOW at the end was an epic FAIL. B+

Steven Tyler (Lips): The old goat still has the chops and who knew he could play the piano? At age 87, he can still screech like Phyllis Diller on nitrates. Super good, fantastic… it was *****ing great! A

So now it’s time to announce the winner. So far, great concert for an hour and 45 minutes, and finally the results. Of course, we all know it’s Scoddy the Botty! Sure enough, to no one’s shock and haw, McCreery wins it hands down. Scotty, you Alfred E Newman lookin’ hillbilly!


Congratulations country boy!

It was a promising season, with great talent and cohesive judges. For the most part, it was fair and impartial, until the end when Durbin and Haley went home prematurely. In addition, Jakub overstayed his welcome by about six weeks. Voting limitations will be the only way this gets fixed.

So thanks everyone for your comments and feedback. I truly enjoy the banter. What do YOU think of Season 11???


OUT

Trippin on Zeppelin

First of all, we lost Durbin last week--I know, I know... some of you are glad, and some of you vowed to drink paint before you ever watch Idol again. Personally, I was disappointed. He brought a different genre to light on Idol that has never been seen before and performed it well.

And now he's gone... and we have two country singers and a rock/jazz fusion goddess left. To prevent this from becoming Nashville Idol, I am hoping that Haley stays alive to face Scoddy the Scooder McCooter in the finale. Did she do enough to ensure that spot in the final two?

The format for the night is singer's choice, Jimmy Bovine's choice and Juggheads' choice... Three songs for each performer. We also have Beyonce, who is there for moral support and positive feedback.

So here we go, starting with...

Scoddy McCooter - Amazed by Lonestar: I wasn't amazed at the song or the performance, but it was typical Scoddy. Maybe this was HOT for you country fans, I am just not feeling it. Scoddy is so good at singing country songs, it almost seems to easy. B+

Laurena Alien - Wild One by Faith Hill: Again, another country song--this is going to be a long night! Like Scoddy, Lauren is very solid and capable of singing great country music. No exception here, but as I write this today, I can barely remember this performance! B

Haley Risinghart - What is and What Should Never Be by Led Zeppelin: Wow, the song choice by Haley blew me out of the water. But how would she perform? How about SMOKIN HOT! This was one of those performances that I will never forget. And no, not cuz she fell down! To top it off, her dad shredded on the axe with his own daughter in front of millions--can it get better than that? A

HERE'S JIMMY!!! Time for the perpetual HAT-head to pick some good songs! Jimmy Jimmy Coco Puff!

Scoddy - Are you Gonna Kiss Me or Not by Meh Country Band: Scoddy is sportin the guitar on this song. That, and his googly eyes are all that I can recall about this performance. B

Lauren - If I Die Young by Band Perry: It's supposed to be a hurtful downer of a song, but peppy Lauren will make it upbeat! Other than missing a "key change" (in her own words), the song was fine. Not blown away by Lauren yet, how will she do on #3? B-

Haley - Rhiannon by Fleetwood Mac: Good song choice, but someone did this song last season and they failed to impress - let's see How Haley fares... and the verdict is? Fantastic! Take that, Redneck Idol! By this time, I am firmly in Haley's corner and hoping she can pull out a WIN! BTW, great use of the smoke and wind machine! B+

Before we move to Juggies'choices, we must first witness a portion of Beyonce's new music video, which is an interesting mix of Spartacus meets Mad Max. She even blows up a car with her mind powers. How about you blow up Seacrest's arms a bit--they are looking a little shriveled lately.

In any event... on to the Chucklehead choices!

Scoddy - She Believes in Me by Kenny Rogers: Baby lock them doors and turn the lights down low... Oops, that was Scoddy's dad! Hey how bout another country song, and make it a ballad too! Right on sirs! The chorus brought Scotty out of his lower register comfort zone, but it sounded forced and unnatural. He still did a decent job with it, and will be in the Finals cuz gramma said so. B

Lauren - I Hope you Choke by Leann Womack: Shocker! Country Song! Honestly, I was almost sleeping when this song was performed. I can only take so much sappy hee-haw music and then it all sounds like white noise with chaps and spurs. I think this was slightly better than her other songs, but overall, a pretty average night. B+

Haley - You Oughtta Know by Alannis Morissette: SWEET--love this song and I have wanted her to sing this all season. First, we gotta edit out the nasties, of course. Started the song a little on the soft side, maybe a little too soft. However, when the chorus and angry parts came up, she smoked 'em! YOU, YOU, YOU! Oughtta Know that Haley is I I T W I !!!!!!! A-

Rankings for Tri-fecta Night:

Haley
Scoddy
Lauren

In my opinion, Haley is the clear winner. She picked the best song, and she successfully sang whatever else they threw at her. Scotty and Lauren didn't leave their comfort zones at all, and quite frankly, they were boring (for me). I am thinking a Haley/Scotty finale is in the making, and that would be pretty cool. A Scotty/Lauren finale would be disastrous. Nothing against Lauren, but only enough room for one country kid.

So long, blue-eyed Lauren. We will miss your Prom and Pirate's dresses, and your spitt'n image Mom and the 300 other members of your family.

Haley vs Scotty for the big mozzarella!!! Until next week...


OUT

Gaga me with a Spoon

It's Final Four night, but without the basketball players and March Madness hoopla. In fact, the only hoopla is how Lady Gaga's makeup can get any freakier. So the themes tonight are "Inspirational Songs" and some songbook by small balding man in front row. I was thinking that we may be in for a long night if song choice becomes an issue, as it oftentimes does. At this stage of the game, you better be bringing the performance and picking great songs. This, unfortunately, didn't happen.

The night started off promising as we hear that Durbin is going to be doing some Journey as his inspirational number. So here we go...

James "hips" Durbinator - Don't Stop Believin by Journey: It was a matter of time before Durbin did RJAXX a tribute by doing a Journey song and he did this one right. Great performance, including the Journey shirt, tails, lunchbox and video game. Ex-Journey bass player Randy eats it up (along with a lot of pizzas). The judges loved it, the crowd ate it up and James proved that he was back from an ungood performance last week. A

Helly Grindhart - Earth Song by Michael Jackson: Dear lord, Hailey, you either hit it out off the park or you blow yourself up like pop rocks in soda can. This was the latter. The judges were harsh (except Lips, who must be conditioned like the guy in Clockwork Orange to not say or do anything negative). I agree with RJAXX and JLOWW--poor song choice and confusing as to her direction as an artist. Clearly frustated, she talked a little smack back to Randy (not good). I applaud that the song was inspirational to her, but this is a freakin' competition--gotta go for the win baby! C

Scoddy the Botty McQuery - Where Were You When the World Stopped Turning by Hillbilly Jackson: Yukkety Yuk... a song about 9/11. Again, I respect the personal inspiration that Scoddy has from this song, but I personally didn't care for it. Songs that imply that one is not political, are political, and with recent events, this was a golden opportunity to display the old red, white and blue. Smart move by McQuery, but to me, not entertaining and not inspiring. Just sayin! B-

Laurena Bobbit Alaina - Anyway by Martina McBride: Meh... Another snoozer country song that I never heard of. Great dress though--Hey Lauren, Cap'n Jack Sparrow is looking for his wardrobe! Maybe if she would have worn an eye patch, the song would have inspired more. She sang good enough and I think did enough to beat Haley in this round. B

Before Round Two starts, SeaKrust must first embarrass the performers by standing them up like kindergarteners in front of the judges to get an early feel for where they stand. Of course JLOWW and Lips take the high road, but RJAXX hits Haley right in the bread basket with his "3 way tie" remark... Nicely done Chuckles.

Round Two: Songs by the Law Firm of Lieber, Stoller, Cheatem and Howe

To further confuse things, they throw the order of singers out of whack and we start with Haley:

Haley Blackhart - I Who Have Nothing by Edith Pilaf: Rice who? As Haley often does, she slays this song after an earlier misstep. I wasn't sure how this would go after she started, but after digesting the overall performance, I thought it was masterful. For Pete's sakes, Haley, can you not pick two good songs in a row? I'm rooting for Haley to get to the final three, but not convinced that she's done enough overall. A

Scooty McTooty - Young Blood by the Coasters: His banter with Gaga was great and gross at the same time. His performance was silly and borderline clown-like. His insane eye movements coupled with his alligator arms made him look like an escaped inmate from the nut factory. But it was much more fun than his previous number, so I'll give him props for not being boring and dry. B

Cap'n Jack Alaina - Trouble by Elvis: Yes, Miss Wholesome, we know you aren't "really" evil, so just play the role and have some fun. Lauren actually did a sweet job with this song and played it out like she should have. The performance was good and she didn't seem so nervous this time. Her and Haley are going to battle for 3rd place I think after tonight. B+

Hippy James Durbin - Love Potion #9 by Elvis Presley: In the rehearsal, it appeared that this might be Crap Potion #10. However, they turned it into a rock song and Durbin did his thing. Does anyone else notice that Durbin has big-ass hips? At any rate, it was a solid performance, although it got a little weird and indulgent at the end. B+

Rankings for Uninspirational Songs:

Durbin
Lauren
Scoddy
Haley

Rankings for small bald man Songs"

Haley
Durbin
Lauren
Scoddy

Overall, it doesn't matter as I believe that it's a James vs Scotty finale. Lauren or Haley will go home Thursday. I believe that Haley's inconsistency and talking back to the judges will doom her and she will probably be the one who goes. Grizzly Abrams will be waiting with open arms and stinky beard.

At least we don't have to listen to Jakub anymore.


OUT

Jakub Lusk: Not in it to win it

In a new wrinkle on theme nights, the Idol gang gets to sing songs from "then" and "now." Something old, something new, something boring, something blew. We also have dubiously impeccable song advisor Jimmy Bovine and Sheryl Crow to help the kids out in their time of need. The performers get to do two songs each, so unfortunately, we have to listen to Lusk treat our ears to audible waterboarding multiple times

.

According to RJAX, it's time to show whether or not "you are in it to win it." We will hear this phrase on more than once occasion on this night...sigh.

So first up is our resident rock god, King James of Durbinville.

Durbinator: Closer to the Edge by 30 Seconds to Mars - Judging by James' attire, I assumed we would be in store for some hard rockin' metal, but instead Durbin opted for some radio-friendly comtempo-schmaltz to entertain us. Personally, I thought it was his weakest performance to date and didn't care for it at all. It was a bit "pitchy" and lacked authenticity. I am already looking forward to his second song and redemption. B

Jakub Lush: No Air by Jordin Sparks - Man, do I really have to listen to this? Lush has so jumped the shark in this competition, that he is becoming Sanjaya-like. If he makes it to next week, especially after this flaccid and conflicted performance, I will be unshocked and unfazed, but disappointed as hell. C-

Lauren Elaine Bennes: Flat on the Floor by Carrie Fisher Underwood - Not quite Underwood, but dressed to play the part. This was good, but not great. I still think something is holding her back from just flat out killing a song (in a good way). I still think she has a slight confidence issue and is afraid to fail. Although Randy said she is "in it to win it" (ugh), I think she is in it to not lose it. By the way, can someone please throw that fiddler off a roof??? He was bogarting Lauren's camera time with his barbaric stage movements. Fiddler - D- Lauren - B+

Scoddy the Body: Gone by Montgomery Gentry - How about we change that title to "Jakub is GONE by Montgomery Ward." Scoddy is all over the place on this performance, literally. He is using the stage as his personal rodeo grounds and is entertaining as hell for once. The vocal was good, but he got the crowd in a frenzy too. Again, Randy says Scoddy is "in it... blah blah blah... A-

Haley Bravehart: Unreleased song by Lady GaGa - Haley has some balls to take on an unknown song by GaGa but I commend her for it. I disagree with the judges and thought her performance was both technically sound and spirited. Song choice was not the best, but at least she performed it well. B+

DING DING Round TWO!

Dangerous James Durbin: Without You by Harry Nilson - Interesting song choice, but James wants to prove that he is more than just a metalhead. This song obviously has a significant meaning and emotional connection to James, as he can barely get through his audition. On stage live, he shows his softer side and keeps it together until the end. Unlike the other balladeers on the show, James' performance feels real and genuine. Not my favorite from him, but I think it will help him win more votes. B


From Lusk til Dawn: Love Hurts by Nazareth - Since the Nazareth version is the only one I know, that will be my baseline of comparison. You are NO Nazareth, Lusk! Admittedly, this was much better than his first disaster, but was still hard to listen to, just because his voice is now the equivalent of poisonous, carniverous sand leeches. Please be the last we hear of Jakub. C+

Laurena Bobbit Alaina: Unchained Melody by Righteous Bros: Lauren does a nice job here and has moments of greatness, but she is still letting the song own her and not the other way around. This could have been one of those special performances, but will just pass off as pretty good. Sweet prom dress, too! B+

Boot Scottin Scoddy: You Were Always on my Mind by Willie Nelson/Elvis: Guess what folks, Scotty is IN IT TO... yadda yadda yadda. Overall, this was very good, almost great. Scotty is peaking and I am convinced of a James/Scotty finale more than ever. He is also learning not to hold the microphone like a flute, so I will give him a B+

Hail to Rinehart! House of the Rising Sun by the Animals: Thank you Sheryl Crow for some good advice, which is for Haley to begin the song acapella. I wasn't sure how this was going to go, but she kicked the crap out of it and blew me away. Hands down the best performance of the night, and for once I agree with the judges on that. Unfortunately, Haley has been a bottom-dweller for too long and she may be in danger, along with Lush. A

Interesting night, but not my favorite. Most performances were pretty good but only one that was stellar. The worst performance of the night was the frickin' fiddler trying to steal the spotlight from Lauren.

Combined Rankings for THEN AND NOW:

Scoddy the Botty
Haley (yep I said it)
James and Lauren TIED
Jakub Lush

Jakub and Haley will once again be forced to stand together as the bottom two. I hope America gets it right because one of them belongs and other needs to get his ladder and get the hell off the stage.

Na na na na... Na na na na... HEY HEY... GOODBYE JAKUB!!!!


OUT

King Durbin's Crown

Hey everyone! I’m back after being in hiatus for a week… thanks for being patient. I actually finally watched last week’s shows and was glad to see James knock the snot out of the competition and relieved that they finally put Joey out of his misery. I also thought Haley did Adele proud with her rendition of Rolling in the Deep.

Having said that, and then seeing last night’s show, it is clearly Durbin’s competition to lose. He brings something new to the table each week and he executes it with surgeon-like precision. Unlike Jakub who just executes his songs via noose, firing squad, lethal injection, etc.

So we have Carole King night, which I wasn’t all that thrilled about, especially since we’ve already had that theme a few seasons ago, and it was less than memorable. These producers have got to do a better job of coming up with interesting and fresh themes! If they do another “songbook by Dianne Warren,” the Kodak Center may mysteriously burn down to the ground.

And then there were SIX. Once we get rid of Jakub, we will have a legitimate TOP 5, and I will look forward to the next few weeks.

So we start the performances with the gratuitous Jimmy Bovine interventions, along with another guest. First up is none other than Flubberbuns Jakub Lush.

Flubberbuns – Oh Not My Baby: what the hell is that apparatus he’s got on? He looks like Judge Schmails from Caddyshack about to embark on his yacht adventure. B-B-B-Buy Bushwood???? Sorry Jakub, you’ll get nothing and like it. Actually, the song and singing wasn’t as bad or predictable as in previous weeks, but it’s too little, too late. C+

Laurena Bobbit Alaina – Where You Lead: Lauren has been fizzling lately, she seems to have lost some confidence along the way, or her fear of failure is holding her back. However, she was pretty strong last night. Not a big fan of the song, but she performed it adequately. B

Scotty Filet of McCreery – You’ve Got a Friend: Scotty is another one that has been mailing it in lately, but he picked his Alfred E Newman self back up by the bootstraps and put on a good showing. The beginning was especially impressive. Now if he could stop holding the mic like a flute, and continue to improve, he has a good shot. America definitely loves Filet of McCreery. A-

Durbin the Destroyer – Will You Love Me Tomorrow: No metal? No problem. If you can’t see that this kid has all the gifts, then you aint lookin. As JLOWW said last night, he has yet to have a bad night. And I know I am biased, but he’s been at the top of my rankings almost every week. This week is no exception. His acapella intro to this song was sonic smoothness, and when the music came in, he transitioned perfectly without missing a note or beat. He gets better every week. I definitely see the pattern he is following, ala David Cook and Adam Lambert. A

Grizzled Abrams – Hy-Vee-Ho: Shop HyVee, shop HyVee… where there’s a grizzly snarl down every arl! You people not from Iowa won’t get that one. Grizzly going back to his jazz roots again, started off on fire, then he went all mad cow on everyone and was snarling, growling and running around the stage like an angry badger. Overall, it was decent, but I fear he may be in trouble again. B-

Haildamage Rinehart – Beautiful: Haley has made significant strides in getting to where she’s at. She had a slight hiccup 2 weeks ago, but she has been on a tear and picking the right songs. I think she made another good choice last night. Having said that, she will still be bottom 3 again, cuz her fan base keeps switching up on her. Now that she has found her niche, those people will have to come out in droves to keep her around. B+

In order to fill up the 90 minutes, we had duets again. Quite frankly, I would rather have a 60 minute show and sh*tcan the duets now. They are cute on the Thursday show, but I want my 60 minute show back. The seem to keep putting the same ones together too… Well, except for Durbin and Fluffass. That was just bizarre.

Rankings for KING night:

Durbinator
Scotty
Haley
Lauren
Grizzly
Flubber

I will say that Flubber, Grizzly and Haley will be bottom 3. I can’t see Lauren there, she has a bigger fan base than Haley. Let’s cut to the chase, it is TIME to get rid of Jakub and his stentorian wardrobe malfunctions. Please America, please!!!

OUT