Dude Sounds Like a Lady

It's Ladies Night part 2 tonight, and wait a freakin minute... Butterteeth got sick and had to go to the hospital and so the guys are swapping nights with them! I wonder what happened to Crystal Bowersox that required hospitalization, perhaps one of her hemp braids got caught in the sinkerator?

So here we go with the guys--let's hope they account for themselves better than last week's debacle. I see that Ellen has switched positions with the Count of Pitchiness. That is good since Ellen needs help identifying good from bad.

Without further ado, lets' gettyon!

Mikey "Big Dump" Lynche - Man's World: Don't make Mikey mad, you wouldn't like Mikey when he's mad... The incredible Bulk starts off the show right by improving on his performance from last week--Could this be the men's night??? Good start. A- BTW, he was curling Aaron Kelly like he was a blow up doll.

John Trailer Park - Gravity: Nice shirt, did Simon lend that to you? Look here, captain Gleeclub, it’s STILL about song choice and you EPIC failed again. Another boring snoozer of a song, it was quite ungood. D

Casey James Kasem - I Don't Want to Be: Taking on a song that everyone and their dog has done is a risky proposal. However, he shred on the electric twanger and sang the song capably. Not great, but better than expected. Kara went out of her way to distance herself from beefboy by going over the top with her criticism. B+

Alex Sacrificial Lambert - Everybody Knows: Great song choice and if it wasn't for some nerves, it would have been gee whiz terrific. Quit hiding behind that mullet and come out of that shell, boy! I kind of like the cut of this kid's jib... B

Fraud-rick Hall - What's Love Got to Do with it: Ugh, ugh, ugh... Hideous rendition of this worn-out Tina Turner unclassic. What is he thinking, folks? He is not understanding what the judges are looking for, but it aint him! C-

Chowmaine Sellers - What's Goin On: Here's what's goin on. 1. You look like Ed Grimley with your fro-paux and bowtie. 2. Your singing consists of a merciless non-stop assault of jibberish. He has more runs than an ExLax convention bathroom. This guy needs to leave NOW. D-

Blandrew Garcia - You Give Me Something: What the EFF happened to this guy? He was one of my early favorites and he has already hit the wall at week 2??? I am horribly disappointed here. He needs to pull his head, complete with Harry Carry's glasses out his rear and sing something cool and interesting like he used to. C

Enron Kelli - My Girl: My Girl, my schmirrl... Hey, way to stay current there, eyebrow wax! Cute kid, and easily curlable (ask big Mike). However, his vibrato was laced with traces of goat, OR he was singing while sitting on a giant washing machine. But he's cute, so he's safe. D+

Tim Urban Renewal - Come on Get Higher: He came back improved from the humiliating performance he gave last week and somehow he got on Simon's good side. I still thought it was like musical oatmeal, but he may squeak by again. C

Lee Dungarees Duweez - Lips of an Angel: This guy has a great voice, ready for rock radio, but he needs to work on some pitch problems. Still, the raw talent is there and so far, he is picking the best songs for his voice. Nice job tough guy! A-

So it looks like only two good performances bookshelfing eight mediocre ones. This one should be easy to rank:


1. Mikey Lynche

2. Lee Dungeness

3. Casey Kasem

4. Alex Lambchop

5. Blandrew Garcia

6. Tim Urbana

7. Fraudrick Hall

8. Enron Kelly

9. John Gorky Park

10. Chowmaine Sellers

In my mind, this should be an easy booting of both John and Chowmaine. They were both in my bottom groupings last week, so freakin' get rid of them already!!! If America surprises us by keeping one of them, it will probably be at the expense of Tim Sub-Urban.

Stay tuned for tonight's chicktastic night of screeches and bad song decisions!


OUT

GRRRRL Power Chords

It’s time to dust off the Idol poison pen and go to work for 2010. Ladies and gents, I present your Ladies Top 12!!! (Applause)

Hey, where’s Norman Gentle? This year’s auditions went sans the corny, not to be taken seriously characters. What’s up with that? Who will be this season’s Stunjaya, Chicken Sh*t Little and abNorman Gentle? Well at least we have another season where at least one contestant’s teeth leave something to be desired (I’ll get that later).

Let’s begin… First of all, the way the judges are seated is all wrong. It should be Dawg, Kara, Ellen Degenerate and Simon. BTW, was Ellen on some kind of ecstacy drug? She was WAY too nice about some of these performances. At least Simon went last most of the time, which is the right thing to do.

In any event, Billboard night, pretty much pick any damn song out there:

1. Paige Smiles – All Wrong Now: She was ok, but I hated this song for her. I tried singing this song at drunken karaoke one night and I sucked, but then again, I sung this song at karaoke… Nuff said. B-

2. Ashtray Rodriguez – Happy: This song didn’t make me. Again, it was just average, not terrible. This song and performance was forgettable, and in fact, I already forgot about it. C+

3. Janelle Squealer – What About Love: More like “what about stop”, as in stop killing my ears. The song was clearly out of her league and it kicked her @ss. D-

4. Tiger Lilly Scott – Fixing a Hole: The silver-haired folk singer is an early favorite of mine. She didn’t disappoint, as she picked a song that has never been done (and probably never will again) and made it original. Just outstanding. A

5. Gatlin’ Epperly – Oh Darling: our own Dez Moinez goldi-lox gal did a pretty good job and proved that she belongs. Second best performance so far. B+

6. Jackie Earle Haley Vaughn – I wanna hold your Hand: More like I wanna hold my head due to that horrific screeching. She tore this song a new @sshole and probably tore a hole in the space time continuum. F

7. Lacey Underalls Brown – Landslide: I was so rooting for this girl to do well, and she disappointed. The song, which is a good one, fell flat. She may be going home, which is too bad cuz she got mad potential. C-

8. My Shell Delamore – Falling: I wouldn’t have guessed that this girl is trying out for Idol. Talk about a polished and near-perfect performance. It was so flawless, it sounded lip-synched. A

9. ACDC Benami – The Way I Am: This the way Megan Caw! Caw! Corkery should have sounded last season if she had any talent. I think she can pull this off, but her nerves jangled it a little. Good, but kind of sloppy. B-

10. Syllabus Magnus Opus – Wicked Games: Some may disagree, but I thought this was brilliant. Lower register, crystal clear, power chords – check. High notes – check. Song was original, haunting, mystical. I was rather disappointed that she received criticism for this. Wasn’t this Adam Lambert’s recipe for success? A

11. Crystal Meth Butterteeth – Hand in my Pocket: I think the butter in the teeth got the creststrip treatment. It’s hard for me to criticize someone with this talent, but then again, I called Elliot Yamin “snaggletooth” all season long. Anyway, it was pretty decent—she is such a well-rounded musician/singer. She will go far. BTW, she did a good job on the song. A-

12. K. T. Stevens – Feeling Good: I hate this song, especially when kids sing it. I agree with the judges on this. She is talented, but pick better songs, for the love of all things holy!! This was bland and forgettable. C-

Ok, so here we are. This is supposed to be the year of the girl—we will see after tonight’s all doofus show. Personally, my early faves are Tiger Lily, My Shell DelAmore and Syllabus Magnus. Who will get the boot tomorrow??? This early in the competition, is it a talent show, or a popularity contest???

Rankings for the week:


Syllabus Magnus

MyShell DelAmore

Tiger Lily Scott

Crystal Creststrip

Gattlin Epperly

AcDc Benami

Ashtray Rodrigez

Paige Smiles

Lacey Underalls

KT Stevens

Jackie Earle Haley Vaughn

Janelle Squealer

Who is getting the boot??? Even though she wasn’t that bad, I can see Lacey going, but it should be Janelle and Jackie!!! They were both horrendous!

Stay tuned for Tool Academy tonight, oops I mean the men get to sing.

OUT