King Durbin's Crown

Hey everyone! I’m back after being in hiatus for a week… thanks for being patient. I actually finally watched last week’s shows and was glad to see James knock the snot out of the competition and relieved that they finally put Joey out of his misery. I also thought Haley did Adele proud with her rendition of Rolling in the Deep.

Having said that, and then seeing last night’s show, it is clearly Durbin’s competition to lose. He brings something new to the table each week and he executes it with surgeon-like precision. Unlike Jakub who just executes his songs via noose, firing squad, lethal injection, etc.

So we have Carole King night, which I wasn’t all that thrilled about, especially since we’ve already had that theme a few seasons ago, and it was less than memorable. These producers have got to do a better job of coming up with interesting and fresh themes! If they do another “songbook by Dianne Warren,” the Kodak Center may mysteriously burn down to the ground.

And then there were SIX. Once we get rid of Jakub, we will have a legitimate TOP 5, and I will look forward to the next few weeks.

So we start the performances with the gratuitous Jimmy Bovine interventions, along with another guest. First up is none other than Flubberbuns Jakub Lush.

Flubberbuns – Oh Not My Baby: what the hell is that apparatus he’s got on? He looks like Judge Schmails from Caddyshack about to embark on his yacht adventure. B-B-B-Buy Bushwood???? Sorry Jakub, you’ll get nothing and like it. Actually, the song and singing wasn’t as bad or predictable as in previous weeks, but it’s too little, too late. C+

Laurena Bobbit Alaina – Where You Lead: Lauren has been fizzling lately, she seems to have lost some confidence along the way, or her fear of failure is holding her back. However, she was pretty strong last night. Not a big fan of the song, but she performed it adequately. B

Scotty Filet of McCreery – You’ve Got a Friend: Scotty is another one that has been mailing it in lately, but he picked his Alfred E Newman self back up by the bootstraps and put on a good showing. The beginning was especially impressive. Now if he could stop holding the mic like a flute, and continue to improve, he has a good shot. America definitely loves Filet of McCreery. A-

Durbin the Destroyer – Will You Love Me Tomorrow: No metal? No problem. If you can’t see that this kid has all the gifts, then you aint lookin. As JLOWW said last night, he has yet to have a bad night. And I know I am biased, but he’s been at the top of my rankings almost every week. This week is no exception. His acapella intro to this song was sonic smoothness, and when the music came in, he transitioned perfectly without missing a note or beat. He gets better every week. I definitely see the pattern he is following, ala David Cook and Adam Lambert. A

Grizzled Abrams – Hy-Vee-Ho: Shop HyVee, shop HyVee… where there’s a grizzly snarl down every arl! You people not from Iowa won’t get that one. Grizzly going back to his jazz roots again, started off on fire, then he went all mad cow on everyone and was snarling, growling and running around the stage like an angry badger. Overall, it was decent, but I fear he may be in trouble again. B-

Haildamage Rinehart – Beautiful: Haley has made significant strides in getting to where she’s at. She had a slight hiccup 2 weeks ago, but she has been on a tear and picking the right songs. I think she made another good choice last night. Having said that, she will still be bottom 3 again, cuz her fan base keeps switching up on her. Now that she has found her niche, those people will have to come out in droves to keep her around. B+

In order to fill up the 90 minutes, we had duets again. Quite frankly, I would rather have a 60 minute show and sh*tcan the duets now. They are cute on the Thursday show, but I want my 60 minute show back. The seem to keep putting the same ones together too… Well, except for Durbin and Fluffass. That was just bizarre.

Rankings for KING night:

Durbinator
Scotty
Haley
Lauren
Grizzly
Flubber

I will say that Flubber, Grizzly and Haley will be bottom 3. I can’t see Lauren there, she has a bigger fan base than Haley. Let’s cut to the chase, it is TIME to get rid of Jakub and his stentorian wardrobe malfunctions. Please America, please!!!

OUT

Metal Idol Goes Wylde

Tonight on Idol, we were treated to performances that showcased movie tunes. This could have gone sideways, which it did in a couple cases, or it could have kicked some serious @ss which it most definitely did at the end of the show.

But enough about the singing competition... we must first celebrate Jenny down the street's designation as the most beautiful woman in the world. Hat's off to ya, JLOWW!!! Was she not eating that up or what? She was glowing like a neon Schlitz sign at the local pool parlor all night long.
We are also warned again that we must vote for our favorites, or dare suffer the fate of poor Pia Tobasco, who got yanked from the Idol stages long before her time was due. Why? Yes, I was pretty peeved that Pia was presented with pinkslip before the likes of Joey and Jakub, but after I pondered the reasons why America crapped on itself, I figured it out. She did not have a "built-in" audience. The people that vote for Joey and the rest of the younger singers are because Idol's voting system is royally effed up. The tweens and teens are out in full force sending unlimited text votes to the wrong people! Limit voting to 10 votes per voting source, whether it is phone, text or internet. The technology exists! Pia's target audience is what? Guys in bars (according to Lips Tyler) and Pia's family. Sorry, but the chuckleheads in the bars are not voting.

Now, on to the show...

First up is Paul McChiclets - Old Time Rock and Roll by Bob Seger: This was classic Paul. Looking like Bradley Cooper dressed like a magician at a Nursing Home. Same wispy thin voice and the teeth are whiter than liquid paper. The performance was just okay. I keep asking myself why he doesn’t sing any Paul Simon. B

Lauren Elcamino - The Climb by Ciley Myrus: Lauren can just flat out sing anything. If she can make a Hannah Montana Banana song sound decent, then she's alright in my book. Sorry Miley, you just got pwned! A-

Joey Tribiani Langone - End of the Road by Boomerang?: Perhaps it IS the end of the road for Joey. Time to go to "Central Perk" and have a skinny latte with Smelly Cat. Man, I did not see this coming... a ballad. Technically, again, it was good and I can't give him a FAIL, except for the fact that he fails to entertain me. I was not familiar with this song either. B-

Scotty McCountry - The Wrong Song by George Strait: I was BIG TIME disappointed that Scotty chose this yawner over the song he was rehearsing. Why Scotty why? Et tu Scotte? I am still shaking my head because his rehearsal song blew me away and then they tricked us into thinking that was going to be the one! Ugh, this was a letdown for me. B

Grizzly Abrams - Nature Boy by Nat King Coleslaw: This eclectic little ditty will either haunt him forever or sail him through to next week. Tough to call. I am betting that the teens will not be texting millions of votes for our favorite bear. I really admire the originality of this performance, but if the goal is to get votes, this might not be successful. A- (for having the berries to do his own thing)

Hailey Miniskirt - Call Me by Blonsky: The song definitely fits the personality and stage persona to a T. Unfortunately, the singing did not maintain that level of swankiness. The first note was cantankerous, and the rest of the song was good karaoke. Her momentum just hit a wall. Maybe if she wears an even shorter skirt next week (if she makes it), she can keep stealing votes. C+

Jakub Lush - Bridge Over Troubled Water by Simon and Garfunkenstein: Jakub, you are a nice guy with a really big, fluffy @ss. And you have a great voice for large churches. However, your singing is making me want to fill my ears with Elmer’s Glue-All. Holy crap, I really want to like his singing, but I just cannot freaking do it. B-

James Daredevil Durbin - Heavy Metal by Sammy Hagar: And featuring Zach Wylde on guitar. I am so proud of James for standing up for what he believes in and picking dignity and originality over what JIMMY and Capt Autotune wanted him to do. A+ for attitude. James knows who he is and what he can do and he proved it tonight by kicking the living crap out of the competition. Yah I know, I'm a metal guy myself, so I am biased, right? Perhaps, but I think the way the crowd reacted and how the voting goes will prove that this performance was flawless from inception to execution. A

Now that is the way to end the evening. Once again, nothing was horrible, but song choice may come back on a couple of these yahoos.

Rankings for Movie Night:

James Danger Durbin
Lauren Alkaline
Grizzly Abrams
Paul McSqueaky
Scotty McCreaky
Joey McTribiani
Jakub McLush
Hailey McReinskirt

My bottom 3, NOT based on my rankings, but based on how America votes (idiots), is Hailey, Joey and Grizzly Abrams. I'm afraid that Grizzly might be going home because the risk he took to do his own thing may have cost him. Which is unfortunate.

Next week I am out of pocket, so an article may or may not be coming. I will be locked in a dungeon on the east coast for a week with no TV. I will try to "youtube" the show and hopefully squeak something out for y'all...


OUT

Rock and Dull Hall of Fame

Tonight's theme is the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and "all the greats." Gwen Stefani shows up for about two seconds, then disappears into the night. Steven Tyler is wearing the technicolor yawn shirt and RJAX is sportin' the Hefty cinch sack jacket. And of course, the King of Autotune, Will I. Aint is here to offer advice.

Lots of rock influence so far! No, not really. I should have figured that the rockin would be at a miniscule level when the performers all came out in dresses and black ties.

Naturally, the most rocking of the bunch is leading off tonight...

Jacob Lush - Man in the Mirror by Michael Jackson: Sung 600 times before, here we go. Yah that's just rockin baby! Not! It's not Anti-rock night, Jake! Prancing around in his white marshmallow man suit. Just meh... B- F for sticking to the theme.

Hailey Blackhart - Piece of my Heart by Janis Joplin: Thank you for sticking to the genre--this was good, the kind of song Hailey should be doing consistently. Don't look now, but she's making a run. A-

Grizzly Abrams - Have you ever seen the Rain by CCR: Captain F Bomb bringin' the big old bass. Good song choice and performance. Well done, you little bearded freak. A-

Lauren Alabama - Natural Woman by Arethra Franklin: Is that Kelly Clarkson? Not quite rock and roll, but she makes every song she sings better than the originals. Lauren will be around for a while. A-

Dangerous James Durbin - While My Guitar Gently Weeps by George Harrison: Big risk by the only true rocker the show has... Not the usual Dis-durbin performance, but he brought a contemporary edge to it. Still got his high note in at the end and showed his softer side. A-

Scotty McChucky - That's Alright Mama by Elvis: Can Scotty beam us up a rock song? The Denim Phenom was out of his element a bit, but it was entertaining nonetheless. Not great, but it was fun, like a Dr. Demento song or chucking rocks at trains. B

Pia Tobasco - River Deep Mountain High by Tina Turner: Pia gotta get pissed off! She should be pissed at whoever picked out that sloppy jumpsuit she wore. Really? Her @ss was swimming in that cotton trainwreck. Still, a pretty powerful performance and out of her comfort zone. A

Stephanie Joey Tribiani - When a Man Loves a Woman by Percy Sledge: Now that is a rockin' song! No, it wasn't. His high parts were whimpy, the rest of the song was a little over-indulgent. Simon would have ripped this. Sometimes a little Simon goes a long way. B-

Paul McBleachedteeth - Fulsom Prison Blues by Johnny Cash: Good song choice. Paul's feathery light scratchy voice fits this song just right. Nice job. A

It's funny how no matter what the theme is, we keep hearing the same songs and performers going out of their way to "massage" the genre to their own strengths. The best singers are the ones who will stay true to the genre, put their own spin on it, and pick good songs. The actual singing tonight was collectively pretty good on a technical level.

How do we evaluate performance when all the singers are proficient? Well eff it, I'll do it for ya!

Rankings for Rock and Meh Night: Gosh darn it, I don't know who to put up here, so I'm going by originality and the ability to not annoy the crap out of me:

Pia Tobasco

Paul McCloseUp

Turbo Durbin

Grizzy Abrams

Lauren Alabama

Hailey Blackhart

Scotty McCracken

Joey Tribbles and Bits

Jacob Lush

Some will protest my putting Jacob at the bottom, and that is okay. I can't apologize for a song has been overdone by many, and it wasn't even close to rock and roll. It also wasn't that challenging for him. Same for Joey. Just a handful of lameness and "been there, done that."

Bottom Three??? Tough call. I would like to see one trick pony Jacob and ballad-boy Joey there. The third spot may go to Denture-boy Paul again. I want to see Paul stay alive, so hopefully he'll get a comfy seat on the couch.

Next week, we get a one second visit from Fergie and useless advice from Hanna Montana. I'm starting to miss Simon.

OUT