Sunday, December 7, 2008

To Heck with Jack Frost

Greetings and welcome to another Iowa winter! I know most of you are shaking your heads and spewing curse words at me—HEY, I feel your pain! I like Iowa winters as much as I like annual dental checkups. They both hurt, and the thought of them elicit a sense of doom, gloom and dread. Yet here we are, still here after all these years. How many times have you thought about moving to a warmer location? Dream on, Iowans…



We live here because we like having different seasons—each one of the three (four, if you count spring) helps us appreciate all the different changes we encounter. I don’t count spring anymore, because quite frankly, I think it’s left the building. Spring skips Iowa—it goes straight from winter to summer. Where else can you have 20 degrees and snow one day, and sunny skies and 75 the next day?

At any rate, we are talking about winter and snow and ice and sleet. After you add the sand and the salt, our streets become a 7 Layer Salad of sludge. There are plenty of reasons to hate Iowa winters and I will gladly list my Top 10 reasons:

10. Snowblowers that blow snow back in your face—I hate that!

9. Snowplows that block your driveway with mammoth chunks of ice—thanks a lot!

8. Taking out the trash and recycle bin and falling on your ass because of that ice patch

7. People who forget how to drive in winter and rear-end you

6. Morons in 4x4’s who think they can defy physics. Yup, brakes are overrated-driver, meet ditch…

5. Getting out of bed—can’t we be like bears and hibernate?

4. Wind Chill—talk about insult to injury—why do we have to endure this cruel add-on?

3. Shopping – holiday shoppers can be rude, crude and violent. Is that overpriced Cabbage Patch Elmo whatchamacallit worth trampling each other over?

2. It’s dark out at 5:00! If winter isn’t depressing enough, let’s make everything darker and colder for most of the day--brilliant!

1. Ice – Snow is bad enough, but we seem to get more than our fair share of ice. Nothing screams panic attack quite like your car sliding downhill sideways—whoohooo!
Now don’t get me wrong—there are a few things that are good about winter in Iowa. I don’t want to be a negative nelly. In winter, it is acceptable to lie around the house all weekend and watch football on TV. You also don’t have to mow the lawn and pick up dog poo. Some of us put on a little extra weight, you know, as insulation to, ahem, protect us from the cold. Underneath all the layers of clothing and road salt, ARE reasons to like winter—you just gotta dig through the slushy muck to find them.

Seasons to Savor

Tis the season of winter and all through the house, not a creature was stirring… ok, you get the picture. It’s the nuttier than a fruitcake holiday time of year, and are you ready for it? I believe the madness starts right around the Thanksgiving holiday and continues until New Year’s Day. However, it seems to be creeping closer and closer to Halloween, and then you have Christmas marketing for three months straight. If I hear that Menard’s jingle with the unintelligible words again, I will shop at HO HO Home Depot from that point going forward.

In addition to the shopping sprees and consumer conundrums, there is the special holiday MENU to think about. It seems that the holidays are the perfect alibi for stuffin’ ourselves like the Thanksgiving turkey we just mowed down. In addition to the traditional holiday fare, there are some unique delicacies to sample as well as seasonal libations.

I have compiled a list of seasonal snackers and tantalizing treats that will make your mouths water, or make you run far, far away.

In addition to the good standbys; turkey, ham, Christmas cookies, fudge and pumpkin pie, here are the other items you see (or don’t see) around the holidays:

Sugar plums – I have no idea what these are and I have never seen one-I think they are fictional.
Chestnuts – Sounds more like a medical condition.
Fruitcake – It’s neither a fruit nor a cake. Whatever it is, it is not good.
Goose – Do people really eat these?
Mincemeat Pie – The “headcheese” of desserts. No thanks, I’ll pass
Meringue Cookies – If you like the taste and texture of chalk, then these are for you!
Plum Pudding – Another make-believe dessert, or at least on the endangered species list.
Summer Sausage and Cheese – Why do people only eat summer sausage in the winter?
Roast Beast – It’s what the Hoos from Hooville eat, and I want to know where I can get one.
Eggnog – Nothing like fat in a glass! One cup = ten zillion calories
Candy Canes – Has anyone ever taken them out of the plastic wrap and not broken it?
Wintergreen - Ok, it's a flavor, but why anyone likes it is beyond me. Nothing like the deliciousness of Pepto Bismol and Skoal chewing tobacco--mmmm, tasty.


So another delectable season of strangeness lies ahead. Go forth and venture into new culinary territory! But do so at your own risk and buyer beware! I will stay true to my tradition of ordering Chinese food and pizza--sausage and chestnuts, please!

Happy Holidays!