Thou shall not have False Idols

So the Top 36 are revealed this week. Why did we need 2 hours to watch the Kings and Queens of Narnia sitting in their thrones judging and playing god to the altars of karaoke? Because the advertisers paid for it!

The people who have Mediacom were dealt with the most ridiculous of TV schedule switcheroos. They put on the UNI vs Southern Ill-annoy basketball game instead and moved Idol back to 9:00. Thanks a lot you chuckleheads.

In any event, we are off with very few surprises. The people you thought would make it, made it, and vice versa. Most of the poor saps that got sh*tcanned early were people I didn’t know from adam. The judges/producers and their ridiculous fake tense “oooh we are unanimous and we don’t have good news… (cricket sounds)……….we have GREAT news!” have become so predictable and flaccid, and yet they continue to torture the performers with this “am I in, or not?” schtick. They must be taking lessons from Seacrust, that little a$$hat.

A few notable picks and some new info about one of the finalists…

They had a sing-off between Chicken Dee and Bug McGoo (hell, I don’t know their names yet)… with McGoo getting the win, but he didn’t want it to go down like that. They also had a sing-off between the blonde country girl (who’s hubby was also in the Hollywood rounds) and the Two-toned blonde with the goofy boots. Goofy Boots won and Simon gave her a vote of confidence by saying it was the wrong decision. Thanks Simon, you cro-magnon.

Obvious wins to singers like Danny Gokey, Jasmine, Goth Man, Joanna Pa-CHEATy, that tall girl, Von Smith (the indulgent child), Lil Rounds, the pink-haired Mom, the full arm tattoo Mom (lots of moms this year!), the Blue collar boys, and my personal favorite…. Norman Gentle!!!

There were two moments of disappointment for me. 1. They didn’t let Jamar (Danny’s buddy) through. 2. They DID let Tatiannoyance Del Taco through. Is this girl for real? Her antics are beyond bizarre and irritating. She needs to be slapped silly and then be exorcised by a sanctioned priest to get her inner demons under control. Her atrocious laugh, her stentorian scream, and her pathetic bawling make me want to bash my own head in with a shovel to end that sonic torture. She made it. I can’t believe she made it.

Some new info came out this morning that raises questions. The girl who already had a record contract and blew it, just blew it again. Joanne Pacheaty has been disqualified. Apparently, they discovered that she was involved in a “relationship” with someone from the IDOL show. Well, that and the fact she already had a record deal, an acting deal, a modeling deal, yadda yadda yadda… She moved to LA at age 16 for cripes sakes—she probably has more deals than Monte Hall. Anyway, SEE YA suckah! She forgot all the words anyway—Simon DID say, if you forget the words, poof you are gone!

And lastly, I have had time to reflect upon the impact of new judge Kara Mel Delite. I think she is a waste of space, merely eye candy and all style, little substance. She is jealous of younger attractive women like bikini girl. I kid, but it’s a little true.

I hope to see more nastiness from the judges and for Randy to not say “pitchy” all the time. He will drive me nuts this year if he pulls that crap with me, Dawgggggg! Aight.


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Drama Queens of the Sunset Strip

Sorry this is late, Idol chitchatters! Been a busy week, but now that I have had time to absorb this week’s bitchslapping good time in Hollywood, I can throw it out there.

It’s all about the drama. In order to keep the audience interested, the Idol producers put their iron-clad stamp of “Drama Guaranteed” on the shows from Hollywood week. Let’s skip straight to the Group performances. We all know that the sh*t would be hitting the fan with some of these chowderheads. Leave your ego at the door, people! The concept of teamwork didn’t dawn on quite a few of them and the potential chemistry turned into a potpourri of dog poo.

Let’s take the group with that walking annoyance-rod, Tatiana “the laughing windbag” Del Terror. Laugh, Cry, Piss and Moan, Rinse, Repeat. Do they do mental illness screens on these people? I have never wanted someone to fail so badly. The rest of her group was slightly better. When they performed their song in horrendous fashion, I was convinced that all 4 were leavin on a jet plane. Phhhhtttt! WHAT? WHO? WHEN? HOW? They all made it through! Are you e’fn kiddin me?

Save the drama for Obama… Next we have the trio of terrors. The goofy crybaby boy, the blonde whose voice needs a rest stop, and the feisty red-haired hair-dresser with the personality of sandpaper. What makes this story even better is that Spatiana tried to join them and even THEY were too dysfunctional for her! So, the 3 whinettes did their thing, and Doofus and Blondie make it, but Red gets cut and she is PISSED. At this point, I am laughing because she was so mean to everyone—good riddance and don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya.

And finally, Itsy Bitsy Brain, weenie in a bikini. Ok, let’s face it—she got what she wanted—15 minutes of shame. Any publicity is good pub, even if it’s bad. And that is what Katrina the slutt got herself plenty of. She ruined her group with her unwillingness to work and practice, then threw gas on the fire by not showing up, then showing up late. Then she gets the boot and refuses to get along with her team—“I don’t want to be fake” she quips. Hey, you are the epitome of fake, you ditz!

Fan faves Hippie blonde orphan (Rose) and Pink Rocker (Emilie) also get axed. For how much time they were given in the early auditions, you would have thought both would have made it further???

As for good performances, The first group that went (White Chocolate) was awesome—that routine was TIGHT. The Oil Rig guy and the other dude who looks like a biker did very well too. The Goth kid with the eye makeup was impressive as well…and then there’s Danny Gokey---can we pick a frontrunner this early? I can’t see how this guy can lose this competition. He’s got the voice, look and the back story to get him votes the rest of his life. He’ll just need to remember one thing, and I say this every freakin’ year… SONG CHOICE man. If he can master that, he’s your winner.

On the girl side, I think Jasmine has a good shot, but they really haven’t shown that many great girl performances, unless you count the drama. Maybe next week.


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SeaCrust gets Lost in Florida

Speaking of lost, this episode of Idol was a lost cause. I feel like I just watched those boring outtakes and deleted scenes from a straight-to-DVD movie. This may have been the single most obtusely boring Audition show ever. No really good ones, no really bad ones—just blahhhhh.

So we are in Jacksonville, which, as Ryan puts it, “is where Florida starts.” I don’t even have a frickin clue as to what that means. That statement makes about as much sense as Simon’s insistence on wearing K-Mart v-neck undershirts to every audition. Nice man-b00bs, by the way…

So here’s a little recap of the inaction:

Average
Suck
Suck
Ok
Suck
Yawn
Zzzzz
Suck
Ok
Mediocre
Suck
Ok

I thought the first guy would blow like Guarini, but he did ok, even though he added Police Academy sound effects to the song. And why is it cool to compare yourself to the worst runner-up in Idol history?

Then there was the girl with shi-tzu. I thought her singing sounded like shitz too. It wasn’t horrible, but she added those Britny Fears “nails on a chalkboard” sounds to it. EGAD.

There were a couple more boring auditions, including one from Miss Candidita from Nutbag-land. Was it necessary to wear your tiara to the audition (well at least it wasn’t a bikini). Her laugh was like 400 hyenas jumping out of a burning helicopter.

Seacrust then gets lost on his golf cart—what programming genius put this in there? An accidental photograph of your ceiling has more imagination than this.

Next up is the Town Crier, who cried when his buddy didn’t make it, then he didn’t make it. This is just pathetic, not entertaining.

I almost laughed when the girl who compares herself to Mariah Carey obliterated her song as her friend sat on Randy’s bus-stop size lap, but then she started crying too when Simon asked her if she was serious. Nice touch, v-neck-man

The most bizarre on the show last night had to be that Grizzly Adams wannabe Physics student. Do the laws of physics deter you from trimming that pelican nest of tangled hair? There was no way this was a serious audition—everything about this guy was cooked up in a meth lab. Hey dingus, Jack Link is looking for their sasquatch!

The real injustice of last night’s show was the kid with the guitar. He was certainly good enough to go through to the next round, but they all said NO. Are you effing kidding me? After seeing some of those yo-yos get through and not this guy?

All in all, the show was a real bowzer last night. I think they may be doing this on purpose in order to make Hollyweird week more meaningful, and as a vehicle to get to know the singers better. The auditions so far, especially the “good” ones, have been pretty forgettable.

Maybe we’ll get lucky in Salt Lake tonight—bring the bush babies and william hungs of the world. If not, expect another yawn-inspiring milli vanilli envy convention.


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"Be Careful" in the 'Ville

Idol is off to Louisville, where there is a long-standing controversy on how to pronounce the name… Louisville is pronounced Lullville by most natives there. However, there is a sign that suggests other pronunciations are as equally acceptable. In any event, who cares.
By all accounts, last night’s show was as dull as dirtpies. There were some good ones, but nothing really outstanding. There were some bad ones, but nothing crazy enough to be memorable. I’m hoping for more fireworks from next week’s shows.

Let’s get on with it… The best singer on the show last night was probably the girl who moved to LA at age 16 by herself. What the hell kind of parents would let their daughter do this? LA is the armpit of America, a place where teens go to become p0rn stars and crack whores. Fortunately ( I hope), this wasn’t the case for Joanna Pacitti. She was very good, but like Carly Smithson from last year, she has already cut a few records and was even signed by a label. She has a head-start on her competition, that’s fo sho.

Another good one was the guy who sang Bad Company. I later found out that he was a finalist from Nashville Idol’s Season 2. What is up with these 2nd Chancers showing up in Lullville?
The other good singer worth noting was the last girl to go (Lenesha Young ) who comes from a poor background. She did her own original song and kicked the horsecrap out of it! I would like to see her do well on this show. There were a few others that were decent like Teen Mom with “to-be” husband at Aaaaaaaarmy Training with Bill Murray and John Candy.

Now for the $hits and giggles part of the show… the first girl was a blonde shipwreck who howled like a banshee and turned Mariah Carey’s Hero into a Zero. Her dad should try out for Bono impersonations though.

Then there’s Mudd in your eye as Mark Mudd does his best redneck rendition of White Lightning. He is the epitome of hickdom. He says “be careful” to the judges, but they interpreted him incorrectly when he obviously meant “take care.” Still, what a Goober. He should focus more on driving responsibly.

Zebra-face and Over the Rainblow chick about forced me to wretch as they were simply horrific.
The worst of the bunch though was geechy guy with his Asian symbols that he called radicals. First of all, get some new teeth—those chiclets were jacked up. I think you could fit a Yugo between each pearly yellow. Secondly, nice forking suit—you stand out like dogsh*t on white carpet. Thirdly, your song choice and singing was below the level of frog droppings. Nice guy though—his sipping through Paula’s straw was classic…

19 made it through the ‘ville when all is said and done. One more week of “odd” ditions. Will we find the next William Hung or Stinkjaya Maltomeal?


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I left my Laugh in San Francisco

Idol made its way to the Bay Area last night, and for being such a large populace, it was extremely disappointing. 12 people are moving on to Hollow-wood.

The show started off with what could be argued as the most annoying contestant ever. The laughing hyena, supposedly form Puerto Rico, rudely and abruptly skewered my ear drums with a boisterous and blistering giggle from 10 leagues below “hell” level. She needed to be pushed to the floor. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen and she actually sung ok. I doubt this chucklehead will get past Hollywood, as her ego is bigger than her mouth. She’s a model/singer/dancer/actress/construction worker/pro football player, etc. And oh, by the way, nice fake accent, you Noob! Funny how she went from the Puerto Rican accent to plain old English…hahahahaha… hahahaha ha-ha.

Albino Beatboxer came up next and about put me to sleep with that crapchester performance.

The next guy takes the cake for appearances. He is wearing this plaid Herman Munster coat that is 15 sizes too big, but somehow seems appropriate. He looks like he may be part gorilla. If you morphed a gorilla with Tom Jones, you would have this guy. He actually wasn’t that bad, but his ape-like facial gestures and orangutan-colored hair got him fired. Welcome to the Jungle, baby—you gonna dieeeeeee!

Other notables on the show were Jesus and his 12 kids. How does someone who is auditioning for Idol have grown kids already? Did this guy start having babies when he was 15? In any event, Hayzeus is pretty good and gets the nod to go through. The kids were actually pretty cool and helped sway the judges to sing praise to Jesus.

There were a couple good girls that got very little airtime but made it through—why can’t we see them? Instead we are subjected to the aural and visual torture of Akilah, the girl with the notebook of medical terms about one’s esophagus, trachea, et al. The Idol producers can take a leap into a pool of cess for having me sit through this rancid segment. I wish I could have those 10 minutes back. Her singing was not horrible, nor was it any good—it was just blah. At least give me something to laugh about! The only remotely funny thing was her statement about rectums and singing from her reproductive areas…nice.

The dude from Hollywood who is in the play “Wicked” put on a wicked rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody—he was spot on—finally a candidate worthy of making it further. And lastly, the guy who is taking care of his mom—great story, great voice, great chance to go far. Simon Scowl said he had the personality of a cruise ship singer. I think I know what he meant, but it kind of came off as harsh.

Overall, SF was as stale as a 6 year old box of Rice-a-Roni, but I can see those last 2 going pretty far in this competition.


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KC and the Sun shines on a Dogs @ss

Welcome to Kansas City which is in Missouri, not Kansas. Yah, that makes sense. Kinda like I live in Iowa City, Minnesota. In any event, Missouri is where we are, and is also the state of last season’s winner David Cook. It seems that the Midwest has a higher degree of normalcy than the kooks from the koasts.

Today is no exception. The show started off so bland and normal, that I can’t even remember any of it. There were two notable moments of Idol ridiculousness that I can recall; 1. The girl who sung Without You—I thought it would be good, but it was horrifying. The part I remember most though was when Simon Scowl said it sounds like a cat jumping off the Empire State Building, and that sound is what it would make right before it hits. I about p*ssed myself. 2. The classically trained opera singer. What the hell was that he was wearing—a stretched out underwear shirt under a black dinner jacket. I bet he had Dollar Menu cheeseburgers in each pocket. In any event, he sucked.

Again, my memory fails me—who can I rip on? Most of the second half of the show were by pretty good singers or just marginally bad. Nothing horrendous, although there was that guy with the banana—What the hell is that about? And he had bright orange slacks—what an assclown.

Some other good ones were the big burly bald guy and the girl who lives with her 93 yr old grandma. I think it would be cool if Grams could go to Hollywood with her. And the other very memorable “good“ performance came from Danny Gokey. His wife died just a few months before the auditions, so how can you not root for this guy, you heartless animals? He knocked his song out of the ballpark, which was “Heard it through the Grapevine”. He will go far I think.

One of the more surprising entries was Kumar from “Harold and Kumar go to White Castle.” Spittin’ image of Kal Penn, but dressed like a dork. He was actually pretty good, much better than that doof with the cheerleader entourage. Are you kiddin me? If he would have left those 2 tweedledums behind, he may have gotten through. The other weird audition I recall is only because she kept falling asleep in her chair. Too bad her performance made me want to put her to sleep permanently---good gawd that was farking nasty. Go back to nap time, nancy!

And finally, we again end on a positive note as Lil Rounds (nice name) comes on—we know it will be special because they spend about 15 minutes on her and her kids and her story and her house and her husband (who looks like he just turned 18). However, she is pretty personable and you kind of want her to do well. And do well she does.

In sum, they showed less freakshows in KC than in Phoenix, but judging by previews, we may see some kooky hijinks in next week’s shows. We can only hope so, so I can have more to write about.


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American Idol Swimsuit Edition

Four hours, count em, 4 freakin hours of Idol in the last two days. That’s a lot of rubbish to endure, and rubbish is what we got on day one. After the obligatory flashback scenes, the first thing we see is Ryan Seacrust on the edge of the Grand Canyon—why can’t someone push him in? “THIS…. Is Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” ……thwap.

So this is the beginning of Idol Season 8—welcome to the Six-stop freakshow. Our first stop is “but it’s a dry heat” Phoenix. Thousands of sweaty teens and twentysomething twerps ready to get a verbal lashing. Who will be the first to push the Hoover of suckdom? They always have some dude with nutty hair going first, and Tuesday was no exception. This guy could star in a live-action adaptation of “Hair Bears – Grizzly Audition” It was crap and it should therefore, stay in the woods.

There was only one good memorable performance in the first half of the show, and that was by the tattooed rocker chick with pink hair who sang “Barracuda.” That was freaking awesome! That is a hard song to sing acapella or in Acapulco or whatever the hell it’s called. She kicked the song’s @ss. I predict good things for this girl.

The rest of the hour saw Dopey, Sneezy and Bashed-In. Dopey was the guy who looked like a rocker, but acted more like a cocker (spaniel). He was weepy and droopy—“I just want to be taken seriously!” How bout you kick yourself in the berries? Sleepy was the goony kid with the greasy black hair who about passed out on the floor—what the hell was that? And of course Bashed-In is what my ears were after that horrid Tears For Fears song that was butchered by a castrated Mickey Mouse.

I’ll be brief about Day 2…. Herman freaking Munster. That dude with the low voice made Herman Munster sound like Tiny Tim. WTF was up with that? The judges were right—DO VOICEOVERS! And let’s not forget Pink Cowboy hat girl with her ridiculous @ss-kissing of new judge Kara DiGiorno (it’s not Delivery). Tran$exual Chocolate tasted more like pickled sand, but hey he gets a new car for sucking!

There were a few better performances on Day 2—Horror Boy was good. Roughneck Man was decent although he sang a boy band song. And Bikini Girl! Fantastic! Well at least Simon thought so. I agreed with the ladies—she sucked mothballs. Simon and Randy couldn’t hear sh*t as they were tricked by the tramp. She then proceeded to suck face with Seacrust, who got a taste of Cowell’s @ss. I hope she falls off the stage in Hollywood and sprains her throat

The night ended on a positive note with the virtually blind guy Scott making it through to Hollyweird. I suspect he will actually sound better when he gets to play his piano.

All in all, the Phoenix did not rise from the ashes—it was a farghing disaster of epicurean proportions. Bimbos and Babies, Nuts and Dolts who sound like Lou Holtz. Stay tuned for the KC re-crap!


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