Hoe-down in Motown

Welcome to Idol Motown version #8. As much as I respect the Motown tradition, I grow tired and weak by constantly hearing the same songs every season and once again, I had to hear the forking song “Heatwave” for the 9000th time. If Idol has another “Latin Night” featuring Gloria Estefan, I am going to saw off my head and mail it to the producers. How many of you are willing to bet that “Turn the Beat Around” will not be sung this season?

In any event, they stretched an hour long show into 2 hours again last night. Why? You might ask… Well the first thing that pops into my head is because that strung-out dingbat Paula AbDUH won’t shut her piehole after each performance. She has to ramble endlessly with her horrid grammar and jagged sentence fragments that have no beginning or end. It is like being stuck in Satan’s Speech Class 666: She is an idiot, gets dumber every season, and her remarks have no critical merit.

The other thing I am going to rant about is why the f*ck was Allison in the bottom 3 last week??? Are people that dumb, deaf, moronic? In my opinion, (and go back to see my past emails), she has been at the top of this dubious food chain of talent (along with Adam) for the whole season. She was bottom 3? Are you forking kidding me? She did worse than Megan the glass-gargling Joy Caw-Cawkery? I think NOT.

Enough on the rant—here are my thoughts about last night’s performances:

1. Matty Geritol: Let’s Get it On. Piano Man #1 was actually in his element. If he didn’t perform well on this night, he aint ever gonna get it done. He put himself back in the competition, but will have his work cut out for him. Grade: B+ and safe

2. Ruth Kris Allen: How Sweet it is. Has evolved into a contender and didn’t do anything to hurt his chances, EXCEPT wearing that bizarre nazi-looking military shirt with all the weird numbers on the shoulders. Did he get that shirt at The House of Hitler? I kid, the little punk did well. Grade: B+ and safe

3. Spot McInDingus: You Can’t Hurry Love. Piano Man #2 was just that…. A big #2. This song was pure feces to the ears. It was nothing less than Karoake at an all you can eat truck stop. I’ll give him props for the pink pants though… Grade: D- and NOT safe

4. Meg Joy Cork Ring: For Once in My Life. Her voice is like a thousand creaky doors, splitting my ears into shards of tortured flesh and cartilage. Her dance moves and choreography remind me of monkeys and footballs. She quite frankly has no business being here anymore. Grade: D and NOT safe

5. Ally Noop Poop Galoop: Ooh Baby Baby. It’s embarrassing enough to type that, but to sing it? This song was beyond sappy and ridiculous. It reminded me of a horrible skating party, and trying to escape to the locker room so you don’t have to slow-skate with some girl you hate. He sung it ok, but who the hell wants to listen to this sludge? Grade: B-, Probably safe

6. Oilcan Sarver Hawkeye Arena: Aint too Proud to Beg. And I would like to beg the country to not vote for him, because this was sonic vomit. I was immediately put off by the silly smiling and posturing for the camera when they told him the song was serious. Time to leave, Shrek! In addition, this was another song that is done multiple times every season—good riddance. Grade: D- and NOT safe

7. Little Rectangles: Heatwave. Ugh… This was just god awful, especially for her. She should have been kicking everyone’s @ss tonight, and she comes up with this dreck? Bad song, bad performance and I’m starting to think she’s overrated. Sloesha Mercado from last year would have mopped the floor with Little Squares. It was too hurried and she was screaming for most of it. Grade D+, but safe

8. Adam STUDbert: Tracks of My Tears… to all you Adam-haters out there---TAKE IT, TAKE IT!!! I think he cemented himself as the #1 guy to beat with this finely crafted and artful rendition of Smokey Robinson. Enough to get Smokey to give him a standing O. Love him or hate him, to deny that this was his night is just foolish. Grade: A, and safe by a mile. BTW, the new look will get him more votes, guaranteed.

9. Danni Goatski: Get Ready. Yes, for disappointment. Danny is the spawn of Taylor Hicks and Sally Jesse Raphael. He’s got Taylor’s voice and Sally’s 4000 pairs of Cyclops glasses. Another early favorite (like Lil) who is sputtering with over-used and tired songs. Another subpar performance next week, and he will be the 4th best male left. Grade: C-, and safe (and an F for his dorky dancing)

10. Allison Ireallyhateya: Papa Was a Rolling Stone. Farking brilliant and further solidified my position that she is the singer to beat on this show. In an effort to battle collective stupidity, I picked up the phone and voted 10 times. She deserves it. This song HAS been done on the show before, but never like this. She kicked total a$$ and served notice that she will take you down and stomp the living sh*t out of you. Grade: A+ and she BETTER be safe.

IN sum, my two rockers put themselves at the top by bringing originality and oomph to their performances. The 2 early faves (Goatski and Rounds) were extremely disappointing, while Matt brought his game up. Kris is solid and Apoop is boring. The bottom 3 were clear as day and should be:

Citizen Cane and Unable, AKA Scott and Sarver. And of course that caw-caw kook, Megan “glass-gargler” Joy.

Ratings:

Allison Asskicker
Adam Lambert and ernie
Matt Garage opener
Kris Allen wrench
Danni Goatskin
Apoop Dezi
Little Circles
Megan Corky
Oilcan Saver
Citizen Cane

The bottom 3 should be what I have and any one of those 3 leaving would be fine by me. Preferably one of the guys so we can continue to laugh at Megan’s dancing with the Bizarres.


OUT

Grand Old Harpy

Welcome to another rendition of Rednecks on parade. Two full hours of cooked up country conundrums. Personally, I’d rather listen to Dental tools grind into my teeth. No offense country fans! Just my opinion, and you know what those are like.

Let’s start things off with those ridiculous introductions of Seacrust and the judges. Who cares? We know who they are—why do they have to resort to doing what the inferior “America’s Got Talent” does? I see Simon Scowl has his trademark v-neck t-shirt from Walgreens again. Very classy.

Randy Travis is our mentor this week. Randy has great teeth and cool hair. And he doesn’t wear a string tie, so he’s got that going for him. But enough about this stringbean….on to the singers!

Michal Sarvin’ Artist: When a dude is drowned out by some doofus with a harmonica, it’s time to call it day. This Garth Brooks song (done by former Idol contestants much better) was both monotone and redundant. His voice had the sonic equivalent of a flatline. I think Sarvin artist AND the harmonica guy should leave now. Not safe.

Alice Inchains: I really liked this and she brought her rock and roll sensibilities to the table. For a 16 yr old, she is phenomenal. This Patti Lovelace song was one of the best of the night and ready for the radio (rock, not country!). I hope she is safe—she should be, but who knows…

Ruth Kris Allen: First of all, I hate ballads (as you know), and secondly I hate country, so it was like removing fingernails with pliers to listen to this song. I will give Kris credit though… he was technically brilliant. There, I said it. I feel better now. Easily safe this week.

Little Debbie Fudge Rounds: New look this week---are they trying to make Fantasia II? Gawd I hope not. Clearly, she held back at the beginning of this song, but then belted it out towards the end—the judges called it just right. Except Paula. She is beyond broken. Her incomprehensible gobbledygook is causing my brain to hemorrhage.

Atom Bomb Glambert: WTF??? That is all I could say about this mideastern/psychedelic version of Ring of Fire. However, I say WTF in a GOOD way. I had to rewind this and listen to it again, and after the 2nd time, I loved it. In my opinion, this was the most unique and polarizing performance in Idol history. Randy said it best—it’s fresh, it’s current, it’s young. Unfortunately, the other half of the audience is scratching their heads in confusion. Nine Inch Nails is SAFE!

Scotch McFlattire: Citizen Cane (LOL, I cannot take credit for the name—thanks LMB!) used to be an encouraging beacon of light. Now, his is just a Bruce Boresby clone. AGAIN. There was no difference in either the singing or piano playing from last week to this week. This performance was as bland as a uncooked tofu. Officially, I am bored out of my mind. Time to go I hope, but I wish him well.

A Lexus Chasey Lane: Little miss pornst@r toned down the dirt, but that dingbat Kara DiStupido told her to get filthy again, so we can expect Lexus’ inner wh0re to show up next week (if she makes it). Her husband and child will not recognize her when she comes back home, IF she ever does go back. Enough about this tragedy, now the music… It was pretty good, except her high parts were not in tune, or as the Dawg likes to say, “pitchy.” She is not as safe as she used to be.

Daniel Goat-ski: Nice winter coat in LA there Dani--what the he11 was he thinking? It looked like a quilted straitjacket for escaped Eskimos. Song-wise, it was a weird choice, but he pulled it off. It started a little slow, but he built it up and finished strong. I still can’t get over that ridiculous white coat. Safe, of course (he is the anointed one, afterall) Once again (and again) Paula’s comments border on mental leprosy. She has yet to put together a coherent sentence this season. Worse than last week.

Assnoop DDDawg: Mr. Unibrow put himself back into the competition by singing a slow, country ballad. Yawn…. Like Ruth Kris, it was technically sound and he did a good job. Just not my thing. Eventually, these balladeers will cancel each other out, thankfully. Apoop is safe at last!

Megawatt KillJoy: Cough, cough… way to milk the flu storyline at the end there Megs. I kid of course—I’m sure she really was coughing. Although, this was better than last week’s debacle, it was still a mess. There were times I heard goats baaaaahing during that song. I think she may be in trouble this week.

Flat Giraud: Not sure what all the fuss was from the judges, but it would appear that he is the Annointed #2. Another bland, forgetful piano-based song, and it even sounded like he forgot some words at the beginning. Good finish on the song though, and yet, I don’t care. Girfraud and Citizen Cane will eventually cancel each other out, thankfully. He’s safe, but Scotty is McNotty.

Ratings for Redneck Week:

1. Alice Inchains
2. Atom Bomb Glambert
3. Ruth Kris Allen
4. Dani Goat-ski (jacket)
5. Apoop Dawg
6. Little Circles
7. Flat Giraud
8. AleXXXis Grace
9. Megawatt Killjoy
10. Michael Sarvin Artist
11. Citizen Cane

Who is going home? I think that either Sarver and Scotty should go, but don’t count out Megan and AleXXXis to get the boot either! Some people will barbecue my @ss in molasses for my placing Glambert so high, but he gets an A+ for unique and an A+ for creativity. I will, however, give him a D on his fingernail polish.


OUT

No Love for the Metal Glove

Last night’s Idol extravaganza was Whacko Jacko night, featuring songs from the Artist Formerly Known as the King of Pop. Now he is just the Prince of Plastic, as in surgery. I don’t care how many Thriller albums he sold, just keep him away from Day Care Centers and McCauley Culkin’s house.

At any rate, we have two full hours of this, so buckle up for the long ride—we’re going to Never-Neverland (should be Never-Againland).

The show is annoying right off the bat, as Seacrust and the judges are introduced by Voiceover guy, then they go on to pat themselves on the back about how cool the set and stage is—whoopdy frickin doo.

Ok, on to the singers!

1. Lil Squares Hudson: It was just aight with me—nothing special, but it was a solid performance. She reminds me of Jennifer Hudson. I agree with Simon that her outfit was dreadful. She should sue the stylists for indecent exposure. She’ll go through.

2. Scott McGarfunkel: The hair is particularly curly – where is Paul Simon? I thought Scotty played the piano quite nicely, but what the he11 song was that? This isn’t freaking Boring Bruce Hornsby and the Radar Range night! Horrible song choice, performed adequately. That’s all I got… Afro-turf will make it to next week.

3. Dannie Hokey Pokey Gokey: Nice dancing there, Specs! You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out, shake it all about, blah, blah, blah. Danny did the Gokey Pokey and sang PYT, which is a song about baby-sitting. He did alright, unless you are tripped out Paula who all but guaranteed a trip to the Finals—get over it Prozac princess! Taylor Hicks, I mean Danny goes through—duh.

4. Mikey Pennzoil Sarver: Another boring and useless ballad that no one has heard of. This is turning into a long night. This performance inspired me to yawn multiple times. I think I tore a muscle in my jaw. This was just plain useless elevator music. He is NOT safe.

5. Jazzy Murray: Jazz picked a song that had me wanting for more. More commercials that is. I am honestly waiting for death as I am put through another excruciating Wacko song. She sang it just ok, again. Some of these songs would be better if someone stepped up to the plate and knocked it out, but these performances are so mundane! Not sure if she is safe—probably not.

6. Krisp Allan: The most polite and vanilla out of the bunch. But at least he can play an instrument, right? Wrong. He should not have played that guitar for this song—it was distracting and out of tune. Vocally, he is good, I think—he11, I can’t remember. He is on the bubble this week.

7. Alice in IwoJima: The young plum-headed rocker chick laid down notice to the rest of the singers that she will kick their mellow, wussy little @sses. To me, and this is just my opinion, this is the first song to get me to raise my eyelids without the use of clothespins. It rocked, it was unique and it was hers. Good job (finally). She should be safe, but who knows.

8. Apoop Destroy: Apoop Dog absolutely destroyed “Beat It”. Weird Al Yankovic’s version was 100 times better. I agree with the judges—this was nothing more than expensive karaoke. Picking this song to cover in Idol is like picking which bridge to jump off. Apoop is in trouble, but may be popular enough to stick around.

9. Bore-hay Nunez: “No, no, no!” No, no, no!” That is all I can remember from this horrible cruise ship song. This song choice may doom Poor-hay back to Port of Richard where he will become a star. Aint happenin here though. Ugh, this was really bad. I kept thinking what a disaster this night has been so far. He is probably gone.

10. Megan Ode to Joy Corky: Ok, I’m gonna say it… OVERRATED! She has been less than stellar ever since her fist audition! How many 2nd and 3rd chances does she get? I get that she’s pretty and is a single mom. Fact is, she is an average singer and a horrible dancer. Her stage moves are the worst I’ve seen since John Stevens. The judges need to stop stroking her as a total package—it aint good people! Probably safe, but I hope not. Rockin Robin, INDEED.

11. Adam Glambert: Holy sh*t, somebody that actually gets it! This performance had me alert, awake, entertained and energized. Thank you Glambert! I don’t care that you have eye makeup—that rocked! I said he had ridiculous range and he proved it again. Again, he reminds me of young Axl Rose. By FAR, the best of the night. SAFE!

12. Matt Gir-Fraud: Hey look, it’s Justin Timberfake Jr. Matt is a good piano player and a capable singer, but what a kick to the yams to have to sit through this torturous song after Glambert’s performance. Another sleepy, yawn-inducing ballad with goat-yodeling. We already have a piano-playing Bruce Hornsby wannabe—do we really need two? He’s probably safe cuz he looks like Sexypants Timberline.

13. Alexis Nexus: I really wish they would stop trying to make her look like a prostitute. Her singing was ok, not as good as in the past—she oversang Dirty Diana (the producers probably picked that song for her too). Due to the lack of strong females this season, she will cruise through to the next round.

Overall, the two hours of Michael Jackson karaoke was hard to stomach. Only one performance stood on its own, the rest are in my mental recycle bin. My brain and my patience were worn out by 13 straight Michael Jackson songs, most of which were real bowzers. Two of the guys did Michael Jackson as interpreted by boring Bruce Hornsby. Getting rid of two singers tonight will be a relief and a blessing.

By the way, I want Paula to quit the show now and go straight to rehab and do not collect $200. Her mind-numbing rambling is like getting your brain slapped with hot tar mops over and over again.

Ratings for Wacko Night:

1. Glambert
2. Allison Iwojima
3. Hokey Gokey
4. Lil Trapezoids
5. Alexis Nexus
6. Krispy Alan
7. Jazzy Murray
8. Scott Garfunkel
9. Matt Giraud DePardieu
10. Megan Corkscrew
11. Pennzoil Sarver
12. Horehound Nunez
13. Apoop Dawg

I think the two that should go home are Horehound and Apoop. Their song choices were atrocious and their performances were torturous. I also think Megan’s time is about up. Apoop may get a stay of execution cuz he has a lot of Shitjaya fans voting for him. They could actually eliminate about 8 because I think there are only about five serious contenders left. Thoughts?

OUT

I Guess That's Why they Call it the Snooze

It’s hard to believe that this is what the American Idol people could put together for a Top 36. I’ve seen firewood with more personality than last night’s show had to offer.

We are in danger of putting through 9 guys and only 3 girls to the top 12. How can this happen? It’s not that there’s some conspiracy against the female singers—it’s just that they are for the most part, crappy. And the guys were not that much better, especially last night’s group of mannequins. Hello, did Seacrotch put starch in their milkshakes? The song choices were atrocious and the show had no flow. With the exception of Lil Squares, you could replace the other 11 with a team of oompa loompas and get similar results.

Here ya go…

1. Von Helsing Smith: I hated this guy early on with his high pitched squelching and pompous vocal stylings. However, he took the judge’s advice and applied it. I thought it wasn’t half bad. However, it did remind me of Wham era George Michael—ugh! I don’t think he gets in tonight.

2. Trailer Varfegnugan: Hated the leather “paint-on” pants and the song did nothing for me. I don’t like this kind of music, and even less when the performance is duller than sawdust. See ya…

3. Alex Winger Tugboat III: First of all, he looks like a freakin squirrel. Not sure he really deserved to be here actually. His performance confirmed my suspicions that this @ssclown is not Idol material. I’d rather be stampeded by rabid antelope than have to listen to him sing again. His Jonny Horton growling was the equivalent to sonic cyanide. Worst performance of the season by far. Stunjaya is smiling somewhere.

4. Airy Anna Jafar: Blah, blah, blah. What a horrible song choice, picking ABBA—why??? What the he11 possesses these “kids” to pick songs that are going to kick them right in the groin and get them on the first train out of town. She should have sung “Take a Chance on Me”, then maybe the voters would have. Gone, baby gone.

5. Juno Alaska: I actually kind of liked this performance. Very memorable and relevant song, and he did it his way, and sung it well. Maybe a little safe, but a lot better than the first four yahoos. He has a shot to go through.

6. Krispin McNightmare: Remember her from getting verbally b*tchslapped in Hollywood? Yah, me neither. I actually thought she did ok, although that pink panther dress did her no favors. I think she would have the talent to move on, but picked a forgettable song. Where is the rock and roll??? Wildcard at best.

7. Nathanial Newton John: Nice costume, cruddy song choice. Simon Scowl was right—maybe he should be making the song choices for these people—they just don’t get it. It wasn’t horrible, but it will not get him to the next level. Say hello to Broadway, you little bawlbaby.

8. Militia Barton: She was invited back after that one chick got disqualified for being a cheater. I wish they would have just left it 11. Am I the only one watching that thought this was nails on chalkboard material? She over-sang it and infused shouting in places that made my ears cry. The judges are wrong on this one.

9. Scotch McEnroe: Finally a decent performance that didn’t make my head swell like a watermelon in heat. I’ve never been that sold on Scotch, but I think he did a great job here, and he will mostly likely go to the next lil round.

10. Kendall Moustache: Well hello Kelly Pickler Jr. Another cookie cutter cute blonde girl that sings country---YAWN…. Unfortunately for her, it was as dry and uninspiring as road salt. The only reason she would get voted through is her looks. See ya!

11. Whorehay Noonyez: Go ahead, take on a Clay Aiken staple Jorgie Porgie. It was actually pretty good, all things considered. I figured on hearing a Ricky Martin song, but Tony Shalhoub put in a staunch effort. Not sure he will get in, but it will be close!

12. Big Triangles: The money spot reserved for the best, as was in the last 2 weeks. Ok, I agree that she is probably a front-runner, but that song sucked for me. Not my kind of music at all—I just don’t get it. So I’ll cut her some slack this time, but I want to see some variety from her. She will no doubt go through as the lone female from this group.

Overall night was hugely disappointing. The only entertainment was squirrel boy knocking over the mic stand and making growling sounds during his audition. I will even go so far as to say that was the most outragrious (even more than Normal Gello’s) performance of the season. What a chowderhead.

I am at a loss for why there are so few GREAT singers and only about 2 or 3 that truly stand out so far. Perhaps the 4 judge format is not working?

Who the he11 are they going to pick for the wildcard 3? Honestly, will some ladies PLEASE show up???

Ratings for the night:

1. No one deserves the #1 spot—nobody blew me away
2. Scotch McEnroe
3. Juno Alaska
4. Medium Circles
5. Whorehay Noonyez
6. Von Helsing Smith
7. Krispin McNamirror
8. Nathanial Newton Headband
9. Kendall Moustache
10. Militia Barton
11. Trailer Varfegnugan
12. Airy Ann Jafar
13. This spot shall remain blank because the last place guy was that much worse than anybody else
14. Alex Winger Tugboat AKA “squirrel”

Final 3 should be Scotch, Rounds, and…….. I’ll say Juno or Whorehay. Once again 2 guys and 1 girl.

The wildcard round should be pretty competitive, and these people better realize their song choice is what’s gonna get them through! I’m thinking that someone from that wildcard round is going to blow the doors off the show and inject some much needed juice into this debacle.


OUT

Outta Tune and Outta Control

This may have been one of the worst compilation of finalist performances since Season 3 (hello, Pen salesmen?) Not that these aren’t talented people. It’s the same ‘ol crap week in and week out. People are choosing the wrong damn songs. How many times do these people have to be told? I just want to take a whiffle ball bat and beat them about the face, head, chest and neck area until they acknowledge it! It would appear that this group of fools got together last week and drank some dumb-dumb sauce.

That being said, there were roughly 2.5 good performances and about 4 good song choices—ok, that’s enough math for one day.

Bring it on!

1. Jazzman Mooray: I would have figured her a finalist from the get-go, but this was pure crappola. What the he11 are you doing singing this song? It made me cringe and I was not expecting her to do this poorly. Not Top 3, but maybe a 2nd chance wildcard.

2. Matt Geritol: Again, I figured the drueling Piano guy was a shoo-in for the finals, but he turned my ears into pain sponges as he yodeled and did his best goat impersonation on Coldplay. DOH---what is wrong with you dude? He may be popular enough to crack the 3rd spot, or possibly a wildcard, but he needs to remove the doofus chip from his wiring.

3. Jeanine Drop Dead Legs: Enough about the damn legs already! I don’t remember her AT ALL during any of the show. And I doubt I will remember after last night either, with that pathetic Maroon 5 parody she did. It was so out of tune—she was in an alternate universe listening to Moron 6. As Hall and Oates once said, “She’s gone.”

4. Abnormal Gentle: What a goof—I love this guy—I don’t care if he isn’t the best singer—he is nuttier than a fruitcake, and fruitier than a nutcake. I don’t even know what song that was and I think he made up half the words anyway. Vocally, it wasn’t great. However, in light of the other flat and lame performances of the evening, he could have a chance. He is a winner regardless---there will be a lot of agents ready to sign him if he gets kicked off tonight.

5. Alison Chains Iruheta: The fiery tomato mop topped teen finally added something that didn’t suck to the show… a song that kicked a$$! It’s about freakin’ time. Anytime a Heart song is done, it almost always blows everything else away. No exception here, although I believe Carrie Underwood and Carly Smithson did slightly better renditions. I think she goes through to the Top 12 on this.

6. Kris “Mr. Vanilla” Allen: I agree with Kara on this—very forgettable, weak and zero impact. Another guy I don’t remember at all, and last night’s horrid attempt at “man in the mirror” was like listening to a faucet drip for 19 hours. He’s got as much chance as a McCauley Culkin lookalike at a Jacko sleepover.

7. Megan Corksoaker: Man, I wanted her to pull off this song! Cool song choice, but poor execution. She seemed out of tune and her movements were a bit forced. She didn’t seem comfortable. The shoulder movements were just bizarre and distracting. She’s pretty and hip, but I don’t think she will make the Top 3. Possibly a wildcard.

8. Matt Not so Brietzke: Idiot! Initially, I liked this guy—hard working, blue collar man. Then he had to open his big mouth and display some serious arrogance by sassing Simon and basically telling the judges that he knows better than they do. WRONG! Face it, cueball, you don’t know sh*t, your song choice was flaccid, and your performance was Karoake Konstruction man. Yerrrrrrr outta here!

9. Jazzy Lungworthy: (Yah, I can’t think of anything else….) In any event, I was stoked for her to do Bette Davis Size, and although it was pretty good, there was something missing. I don’t think I liked the arrangement and her “hurry up” pacing was distracting. What was most distracting, however, was her machine-gun like rantings after the song. STFU!!!! You are likable, but you are babbling like an Auctioneer on crack! Possibly, the 3rd vote or a wildcard.

10. Kai Kopacabana Hammock: Who doesn’t like this guy? If you don’t, you are a chucklehead. I really wanted him to do well, but he picked the song once described as “sonic Nyquil”. Ok I made that up, but it’s true. It really amazes me to no end how people who seem smart can pick such bowzers for songs. All that music and you pick “What Becomes of the Broken Hearted” Geez. I think Kai go bye-bye

11. My Sharona Henson: First impression: She looks like an Elf. I think she needs to bring Frodo back to the Shire. Or the Keebler Tree hideout. At any rate, I thought her song choice was spot-on and the execution was good, but not great. I would like to see her continue on, but not sure if she will or not. She deserves the #3 spot behind Goth-boy and Alison Chains, if we are going on last night’s shows only.

12. Adam Ant Eyeliner: I said at the beginning of the show that this guy would blow everyone else away and he did. He is a bit all-over-da-place, but this dude has serious range. I think he has Axel Rose range (the old Axel Rose, not that buffoon with red braided hair extensions). I hope he sings “Welcome to the Jungle” some week because I am willing to bet he would slay that bad boy. Easily the top of the heap last night, which wasn’t a hard thing to do.

So, I think overall, very disappointing night for some early favorites. The Piano man and Jazzmine most notably disappointed. Corky was a little “pitchy” and Construction man was just being a d*ck.

My Ratings for last night:

Adam Twelve
Alison Wonderlick
My Sharona Henson
Jazzy Leonidas
Meg Corknfork
Normal Gello
Kai Kalimari
Matt Girauffe
Jassmine Mirry
Krisp Allan
Matt Shittzke
Jah-neen Longshanks

No doubt that the top 2 go, but the 3rd could be a surprise. I think anyone in the TOP 8 on this list could get that 3rd spot. The bottom 4 will never be seen again (and thankfully never heard).

Stay tuned for next week when some numbnuts picks a Spandau Ballet song. Don’t these people have advisers???


OUT

Thou shall not have False Idols

So the Top 36 are revealed this week. Why did we need 2 hours to watch the Kings and Queens of Narnia sitting in their thrones judging and playing god to the altars of karaoke? Because the advertisers paid for it!

The people who have Mediacom were dealt with the most ridiculous of TV schedule switcheroos. They put on the UNI vs Southern Ill-annoy basketball game instead and moved Idol back to 9:00. Thanks a lot you chuckleheads.

In any event, we are off with very few surprises. The people you thought would make it, made it, and vice versa. Most of the poor saps that got sh*tcanned early were people I didn’t know from adam. The judges/producers and their ridiculous fake tense “oooh we are unanimous and we don’t have good news… (cricket sounds)……….we have GREAT news!” have become so predictable and flaccid, and yet they continue to torture the performers with this “am I in, or not?” schtick. They must be taking lessons from Seacrust, that little a$$hat.

A few notable picks and some new info about one of the finalists…

They had a sing-off between Chicken Dee and Bug McGoo (hell, I don’t know their names yet)… with McGoo getting the win, but he didn’t want it to go down like that. They also had a sing-off between the blonde country girl (who’s hubby was also in the Hollywood rounds) and the Two-toned blonde with the goofy boots. Goofy Boots won and Simon gave her a vote of confidence by saying it was the wrong decision. Thanks Simon, you cro-magnon.

Obvious wins to singers like Danny Gokey, Jasmine, Goth Man, Joanna Pa-CHEATy, that tall girl, Von Smith (the indulgent child), Lil Rounds, the pink-haired Mom, the full arm tattoo Mom (lots of moms this year!), the Blue collar boys, and my personal favorite…. Norman Gentle!!!

There were two moments of disappointment for me. 1. They didn’t let Jamar (Danny’s buddy) through. 2. They DID let Tatiannoyance Del Taco through. Is this girl for real? Her antics are beyond bizarre and irritating. She needs to be slapped silly and then be exorcised by a sanctioned priest to get her inner demons under control. Her atrocious laugh, her stentorian scream, and her pathetic bawling make me want to bash my own head in with a shovel to end that sonic torture. She made it. I can’t believe she made it.

Some new info came out this morning that raises questions. The girl who already had a record contract and blew it, just blew it again. Joanne Pacheaty has been disqualified. Apparently, they discovered that she was involved in a “relationship” with someone from the IDOL show. Well, that and the fact she already had a record deal, an acting deal, a modeling deal, yadda yadda yadda… She moved to LA at age 16 for cripes sakes—she probably has more deals than Monte Hall. Anyway, SEE YA suckah! She forgot all the words anyway—Simon DID say, if you forget the words, poof you are gone!

And lastly, I have had time to reflect upon the impact of new judge Kara Mel Delite. I think she is a waste of space, merely eye candy and all style, little substance. She is jealous of younger attractive women like bikini girl. I kid, but it’s a little true.

I hope to see more nastiness from the judges and for Randy to not say “pitchy” all the time. He will drive me nuts this year if he pulls that crap with me, Dawgggggg! Aight.


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Drama Queens of the Sunset Strip

Sorry this is late, Idol chitchatters! Been a busy week, but now that I have had time to absorb this week’s bitchslapping good time in Hollywood, I can throw it out there.

It’s all about the drama. In order to keep the audience interested, the Idol producers put their iron-clad stamp of “Drama Guaranteed” on the shows from Hollywood week. Let’s skip straight to the Group performances. We all know that the sh*t would be hitting the fan with some of these chowderheads. Leave your ego at the door, people! The concept of teamwork didn’t dawn on quite a few of them and the potential chemistry turned into a potpourri of dog poo.

Let’s take the group with that walking annoyance-rod, Tatiana “the laughing windbag” Del Terror. Laugh, Cry, Piss and Moan, Rinse, Repeat. Do they do mental illness screens on these people? I have never wanted someone to fail so badly. The rest of her group was slightly better. When they performed their song in horrendous fashion, I was convinced that all 4 were leavin on a jet plane. Phhhhtttt! WHAT? WHO? WHEN? HOW? They all made it through! Are you e’fn kiddin me?

Save the drama for Obama… Next we have the trio of terrors. The goofy crybaby boy, the blonde whose voice needs a rest stop, and the feisty red-haired hair-dresser with the personality of sandpaper. What makes this story even better is that Spatiana tried to join them and even THEY were too dysfunctional for her! So, the 3 whinettes did their thing, and Doofus and Blondie make it, but Red gets cut and she is PISSED. At this point, I am laughing because she was so mean to everyone—good riddance and don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya.

And finally, Itsy Bitsy Brain, weenie in a bikini. Ok, let’s face it—she got what she wanted—15 minutes of shame. Any publicity is good pub, even if it’s bad. And that is what Katrina the slutt got herself plenty of. She ruined her group with her unwillingness to work and practice, then threw gas on the fire by not showing up, then showing up late. Then she gets the boot and refuses to get along with her team—“I don’t want to be fake” she quips. Hey, you are the epitome of fake, you ditz!

Fan faves Hippie blonde orphan (Rose) and Pink Rocker (Emilie) also get axed. For how much time they were given in the early auditions, you would have thought both would have made it further???

As for good performances, The first group that went (White Chocolate) was awesome—that routine was TIGHT. The Oil Rig guy and the other dude who looks like a biker did very well too. The Goth kid with the eye makeup was impressive as well…and then there’s Danny Gokey---can we pick a frontrunner this early? I can’t see how this guy can lose this competition. He’s got the voice, look and the back story to get him votes the rest of his life. He’ll just need to remember one thing, and I say this every freakin’ year… SONG CHOICE man. If he can master that, he’s your winner.

On the girl side, I think Jasmine has a good shot, but they really haven’t shown that many great girl performances, unless you count the drama. Maybe next week.


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SeaCrust gets Lost in Florida

Speaking of lost, this episode of Idol was a lost cause. I feel like I just watched those boring outtakes and deleted scenes from a straight-to-DVD movie. This may have been the single most obtusely boring Audition show ever. No really good ones, no really bad ones—just blahhhhh.

So we are in Jacksonville, which, as Ryan puts it, “is where Florida starts.” I don’t even have a frickin clue as to what that means. That statement makes about as much sense as Simon’s insistence on wearing K-Mart v-neck undershirts to every audition. Nice man-b00bs, by the way…

So here’s a little recap of the inaction:

Average
Suck
Suck
Ok
Suck
Yawn
Zzzzz
Suck
Ok
Mediocre
Suck
Ok

I thought the first guy would blow like Guarini, but he did ok, even though he added Police Academy sound effects to the song. And why is it cool to compare yourself to the worst runner-up in Idol history?

Then there was the girl with shi-tzu. I thought her singing sounded like shitz too. It wasn’t horrible, but she added those Britny Fears “nails on a chalkboard” sounds to it. EGAD.

There were a couple more boring auditions, including one from Miss Candidita from Nutbag-land. Was it necessary to wear your tiara to the audition (well at least it wasn’t a bikini). Her laugh was like 400 hyenas jumping out of a burning helicopter.

Seacrust then gets lost on his golf cart—what programming genius put this in there? An accidental photograph of your ceiling has more imagination than this.

Next up is the Town Crier, who cried when his buddy didn’t make it, then he didn’t make it. This is just pathetic, not entertaining.

I almost laughed when the girl who compares herself to Mariah Carey obliterated her song as her friend sat on Randy’s bus-stop size lap, but then she started crying too when Simon asked her if she was serious. Nice touch, v-neck-man

The most bizarre on the show last night had to be that Grizzly Adams wannabe Physics student. Do the laws of physics deter you from trimming that pelican nest of tangled hair? There was no way this was a serious audition—everything about this guy was cooked up in a meth lab. Hey dingus, Jack Link is looking for their sasquatch!

The real injustice of last night’s show was the kid with the guitar. He was certainly good enough to go through to the next round, but they all said NO. Are you effing kidding me? After seeing some of those yo-yos get through and not this guy?

All in all, the show was a real bowzer last night. I think they may be doing this on purpose in order to make Hollyweird week more meaningful, and as a vehicle to get to know the singers better. The auditions so far, especially the “good” ones, have been pretty forgettable.

Maybe we’ll get lucky in Salt Lake tonight—bring the bush babies and william hungs of the world. If not, expect another yawn-inspiring milli vanilli envy convention.


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"Be Careful" in the 'Ville

Idol is off to Louisville, where there is a long-standing controversy on how to pronounce the name… Louisville is pronounced Lullville by most natives there. However, there is a sign that suggests other pronunciations are as equally acceptable. In any event, who cares.
By all accounts, last night’s show was as dull as dirtpies. There were some good ones, but nothing really outstanding. There were some bad ones, but nothing crazy enough to be memorable. I’m hoping for more fireworks from next week’s shows.

Let’s get on with it… The best singer on the show last night was probably the girl who moved to LA at age 16 by herself. What the hell kind of parents would let their daughter do this? LA is the armpit of America, a place where teens go to become p0rn stars and crack whores. Fortunately ( I hope), this wasn’t the case for Joanna Pacitti. She was very good, but like Carly Smithson from last year, she has already cut a few records and was even signed by a label. She has a head-start on her competition, that’s fo sho.

Another good one was the guy who sang Bad Company. I later found out that he was a finalist from Nashville Idol’s Season 2. What is up with these 2nd Chancers showing up in Lullville?
The other good singer worth noting was the last girl to go (Lenesha Young ) who comes from a poor background. She did her own original song and kicked the horsecrap out of it! I would like to see her do well on this show. There were a few others that were decent like Teen Mom with “to-be” husband at Aaaaaaaarmy Training with Bill Murray and John Candy.

Now for the $hits and giggles part of the show… the first girl was a blonde shipwreck who howled like a banshee and turned Mariah Carey’s Hero into a Zero. Her dad should try out for Bono impersonations though.

Then there’s Mudd in your eye as Mark Mudd does his best redneck rendition of White Lightning. He is the epitome of hickdom. He says “be careful” to the judges, but they interpreted him incorrectly when he obviously meant “take care.” Still, what a Goober. He should focus more on driving responsibly.

Zebra-face and Over the Rainblow chick about forced me to wretch as they were simply horrific.
The worst of the bunch though was geechy guy with his Asian symbols that he called radicals. First of all, get some new teeth—those chiclets were jacked up. I think you could fit a Yugo between each pearly yellow. Secondly, nice forking suit—you stand out like dogsh*t on white carpet. Thirdly, your song choice and singing was below the level of frog droppings. Nice guy though—his sipping through Paula’s straw was classic…

19 made it through the ‘ville when all is said and done. One more week of “odd” ditions. Will we find the next William Hung or Stinkjaya Maltomeal?


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I left my Laugh in San Francisco

Idol made its way to the Bay Area last night, and for being such a large populace, it was extremely disappointing. 12 people are moving on to Hollow-wood.

The show started off with what could be argued as the most annoying contestant ever. The laughing hyena, supposedly form Puerto Rico, rudely and abruptly skewered my ear drums with a boisterous and blistering giggle from 10 leagues below “hell” level. She needed to be pushed to the floor. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen and she actually sung ok. I doubt this chucklehead will get past Hollywood, as her ego is bigger than her mouth. She’s a model/singer/dancer/actress/construction worker/pro football player, etc. And oh, by the way, nice fake accent, you Noob! Funny how she went from the Puerto Rican accent to plain old English…hahahahaha… hahahaha ha-ha.

Albino Beatboxer came up next and about put me to sleep with that crapchester performance.

The next guy takes the cake for appearances. He is wearing this plaid Herman Munster coat that is 15 sizes too big, but somehow seems appropriate. He looks like he may be part gorilla. If you morphed a gorilla with Tom Jones, you would have this guy. He actually wasn’t that bad, but his ape-like facial gestures and orangutan-colored hair got him fired. Welcome to the Jungle, baby—you gonna dieeeeeee!

Other notables on the show were Jesus and his 12 kids. How does someone who is auditioning for Idol have grown kids already? Did this guy start having babies when he was 15? In any event, Hayzeus is pretty good and gets the nod to go through. The kids were actually pretty cool and helped sway the judges to sing praise to Jesus.

There were a couple good girls that got very little airtime but made it through—why can’t we see them? Instead we are subjected to the aural and visual torture of Akilah, the girl with the notebook of medical terms about one’s esophagus, trachea, et al. The Idol producers can take a leap into a pool of cess for having me sit through this rancid segment. I wish I could have those 10 minutes back. Her singing was not horrible, nor was it any good—it was just blah. At least give me something to laugh about! The only remotely funny thing was her statement about rectums and singing from her reproductive areas…nice.

The dude from Hollywood who is in the play “Wicked” put on a wicked rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody—he was spot on—finally a candidate worthy of making it further. And lastly, the guy who is taking care of his mom—great story, great voice, great chance to go far. Simon Scowl said he had the personality of a cruise ship singer. I think I know what he meant, but it kind of came off as harsh.

Overall, SF was as stale as a 6 year old box of Rice-a-Roni, but I can see those last 2 going pretty far in this competition.


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KC and the Sun shines on a Dogs @ss

Welcome to Kansas City which is in Missouri, not Kansas. Yah, that makes sense. Kinda like I live in Iowa City, Minnesota. In any event, Missouri is where we are, and is also the state of last season’s winner David Cook. It seems that the Midwest has a higher degree of normalcy than the kooks from the koasts.

Today is no exception. The show started off so bland and normal, that I can’t even remember any of it. There were two notable moments of Idol ridiculousness that I can recall; 1. The girl who sung Without You—I thought it would be good, but it was horrifying. The part I remember most though was when Simon Scowl said it sounds like a cat jumping off the Empire State Building, and that sound is what it would make right before it hits. I about p*ssed myself. 2. The classically trained opera singer. What the hell was that he was wearing—a stretched out underwear shirt under a black dinner jacket. I bet he had Dollar Menu cheeseburgers in each pocket. In any event, he sucked.

Again, my memory fails me—who can I rip on? Most of the second half of the show were by pretty good singers or just marginally bad. Nothing horrendous, although there was that guy with the banana—What the hell is that about? And he had bright orange slacks—what an assclown.

Some other good ones were the big burly bald guy and the girl who lives with her 93 yr old grandma. I think it would be cool if Grams could go to Hollywood with her. And the other very memorable “good“ performance came from Danny Gokey. His wife died just a few months before the auditions, so how can you not root for this guy, you heartless animals? He knocked his song out of the ballpark, which was “Heard it through the Grapevine”. He will go far I think.

One of the more surprising entries was Kumar from “Harold and Kumar go to White Castle.” Spittin’ image of Kal Penn, but dressed like a dork. He was actually pretty good, much better than that doof with the cheerleader entourage. Are you kiddin me? If he would have left those 2 tweedledums behind, he may have gotten through. The other weird audition I recall is only because she kept falling asleep in her chair. Too bad her performance made me want to put her to sleep permanently---good gawd that was farking nasty. Go back to nap time, nancy!

And finally, we again end on a positive note as Lil Rounds (nice name) comes on—we know it will be special because they spend about 15 minutes on her and her kids and her story and her house and her husband (who looks like he just turned 18). However, she is pretty personable and you kind of want her to do well. And do well she does.

In sum, they showed less freakshows in KC than in Phoenix, but judging by previews, we may see some kooky hijinks in next week’s shows. We can only hope so, so I can have more to write about.


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American Idol Swimsuit Edition

Four hours, count em, 4 freakin hours of Idol in the last two days. That’s a lot of rubbish to endure, and rubbish is what we got on day one. After the obligatory flashback scenes, the first thing we see is Ryan Seacrust on the edge of the Grand Canyon—why can’t someone push him in? “THIS…. Is Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” ……thwap.

So this is the beginning of Idol Season 8—welcome to the Six-stop freakshow. Our first stop is “but it’s a dry heat” Phoenix. Thousands of sweaty teens and twentysomething twerps ready to get a verbal lashing. Who will be the first to push the Hoover of suckdom? They always have some dude with nutty hair going first, and Tuesday was no exception. This guy could star in a live-action adaptation of “Hair Bears – Grizzly Audition” It was crap and it should therefore, stay in the woods.

There was only one good memorable performance in the first half of the show, and that was by the tattooed rocker chick with pink hair who sang “Barracuda.” That was freaking awesome! That is a hard song to sing acapella or in Acapulco or whatever the hell it’s called. She kicked the song’s @ss. I predict good things for this girl.

The rest of the hour saw Dopey, Sneezy and Bashed-In. Dopey was the guy who looked like a rocker, but acted more like a cocker (spaniel). He was weepy and droopy—“I just want to be taken seriously!” How bout you kick yourself in the berries? Sleepy was the goony kid with the greasy black hair who about passed out on the floor—what the hell was that? And of course Bashed-In is what my ears were after that horrid Tears For Fears song that was butchered by a castrated Mickey Mouse.

I’ll be brief about Day 2…. Herman freaking Munster. That dude with the low voice made Herman Munster sound like Tiny Tim. WTF was up with that? The judges were right—DO VOICEOVERS! And let’s not forget Pink Cowboy hat girl with her ridiculous @ss-kissing of new judge Kara DiGiorno (it’s not Delivery). Tran$exual Chocolate tasted more like pickled sand, but hey he gets a new car for sucking!

There were a few better performances on Day 2—Horror Boy was good. Roughneck Man was decent although he sang a boy band song. And Bikini Girl! Fantastic! Well at least Simon thought so. I agreed with the ladies—she sucked mothballs. Simon and Randy couldn’t hear sh*t as they were tricked by the tramp. She then proceeded to suck face with Seacrust, who got a taste of Cowell’s @ss. I hope she falls off the stage in Hollywood and sprains her throat

The night ended on a positive note with the virtually blind guy Scott making it through to Hollyweird. I suspect he will actually sound better when he gets to play his piano.

All in all, the Phoenix did not rise from the ashes—it was a farghing disaster of epicurean proportions. Bimbos and Babies, Nuts and Dolts who sound like Lou Holtz. Stay tuned for the KC re-crap!


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