Worldwide Kitchen - Devouring Denmark

Trying to come up with titles for these food blogs is the biggest hurdle in the initiation phase of writing these things. I was thinking, "Denmarks the Spot," and "Denmark my Words," but let's face it, those are weak sauce. Speaking of weak sauce, the recipes for Denmark were very close to flavorless and vapid. Seasoning is optional and at a minimum, less than stellar.

How did we come to the decision to pluck Denmark off the global array of culinary delights? Easy. There are virtually NO "D" countries out there. Kinda hard to believe, isn't it? The letter "D" is a common letter, one of the few that are used consistently on Wheel of MisFortune. Hey Vanna, give me a "D"! Sorry mister wiseass, NO "D" for you! So, the competition for the "D" letter came down to Denmark, Dominican Republic and Djibouti. Whud you say about my booty??? Ehhh, anyway, we decided to opt for Western Europe since we hadn't sampled that geographical area yet.

As always, we scoured the internet for Danish fare and found a site that had a ton of stuff. You can check it out here if interested: http://www.mindspring.com/~cborgnaes/ ... We did find quite a few items on the menu, in all categories, such as meat, poultry, fish, veggie, salads and desserts. Since we haven't used our friend the pig yet, we opted for pork as our protein. It didn't hurt that we also had a pork loin in the freezer, begging to be thawed out and consumed.

After glancing over the many entrees, we noticed that pork and fish were the most common protein items, but most of the fish dishes were pickled in some way. Pickled cod, pickled whitefish, pickled herring, yada, yada, yada... We chose the Roast Loin of Pork, otherwise known as Svinesteg. You dirty SWINE! Tender pork loin, stuffed with apples and prunes, while cooked in cream and red wine. Instead of taters, we picked Flour Dumplings (Melboller) to accompany the main dish. For a vegetable, the Green Beans and Mushrooms (Grønne Bønner) looked good as well. We also decided to do a salad. We saw one that contained Havarti cheese, so we were sold. The salad was called Tivoli Salad (Salat). And since we are gluttons for punishment, as well as for sweet stuff, we picked a dessert as well. In this case, it was the Cherry Cake, AKA Kirsebærkage.

So as we became pickled like the fish described above, we made our shopping list. Nothing too unusual. White pepper and prunes were about the only things that we didn't have lying around. It was as if we didn't have to go shopping at all, but shopping is the fun part, so we made a day out of it anyway. And in our first attempt to create International fare in front of an audience (guinea pigs), we had to stock up on another pork loin. Ohhh you poor Rameys!

Shopping: We ventured out to our usual haunt, the Johnson Avenue HyVee. The parking was atrocious as usual, and the store is set up like Cheech and Chong did the planning after a bender. However, since the list we had was not as challenging, we had an easy time of it. When it came time to grab another pork loin, we decided to try and get one that was as close as possible in weight as the other one that was thawing in the freezer. It had to be about 1.5 lbs. We had planned on cooking both the loins simultaneously, so this made sense. We did cheat a little bit on one of our items. We decided to make pork gravy for the dumplings, but just in case we blundered it, we grabbed a jar of pork gravy as a backup.

Prep: What we experienced as a piece of cake for shopping, we more than made up for it in the prepping process. Prepping was a hardcore pain in the Danish ass. I volunteered to do the Tivoli salad and the Green Bean/Mushroom dish. Lauri took on the Pork loin, Cherry cake and Dumplings. We were all over the kitchen, arm-wrestling over measuring cups, the food processor, the nice ceramic knife, the rum, ummm you get the picture.

The first thing I did was cut the cheese. Yah I said it! No, seriously, I had to cut up the Havarti in small bite size pieces for the salad, and then had to do the same with the other ingredients, cucumber, green pepper, diced ham and tomatoes. Since the salad was supposed to be chilled, I pretty much completed the task of finishing it, then stuffing it in the fridge. Mixing the bite size pieces with sour cream, mayonnaise, white pepper and curry brought the Tivoli salad to conclusion. As I tasted it, it lacked that savory goodness, so I tossed in a few pinches of sea salt.

Since we goofed on cooking cake and chicken for Cambodia by trying to share the oven, we decided to get the dessert out of the way. The cake recipe called for egg whites whipped to a meringue-like consistency, before mixing in with the dry ingredients. FAIL. Initially, we tried using one of those emulsion mixing sticks that look like "shake weights" with a menacing little blade on the end. Lauri whipped the eggs into oblivion, but no firm peaks, so I suggested tossing it out and using a regular mixer. Voila, white peaks of flavorless frappe! We were back on track for success!

In the meantime, I started to get the green beans ready for the veggie dish. We bought whole string beans which needed both ends cut off. More knife work for me. I am getting to point where I think I could do surgery. The beans were ready to be steamed, but it was too early, so I covered them and waited. The shrooms were already sliced up, so I got a reprieve.

Lauri was getting the oinkers ready for their apple and prune stuffing. As we looked at the pork loins, they did weigh the same, but one was thicker and stockier than the other. This would come back on us, as you will find out... Lauri completed the arduous task of slitting and stuffing the loins with apple and prune slices, seasoning them, and then tying off the swine with twine.

Finally, with everything completed as far as we could take it, it was time to assemble the dumplings. At that point, we had cleaned up the mixer, but then the recipe called for more whipped egg whites! DOH! Get the mixer out again, honey!

Cooking: I should preface the cooking part by saying that the TIMING of everything was stupefying. I was rapidly approaching headache mode as I whipped a calculator out to make sure everything got done at about the same time. The only thing that was a not dependent on time was the Tivoli Salad, still chilling in the fridge. The stovetop, the steamer, the oven, the microwave--every appliance in the kitchen was slated for duty.

While cooking is usually easier than prep, this wasn't the case with Denmark. The Pork loin has cook in several phases. Brown the pork, drown the pork, baste the pork, bake the pork, add this, that and the other, then baste again. Madness I say. The green beans had to go into the steamer for 20 minutes, but not before I had to sauté the mushrooms for 15. The salt and white pepper had to wait til everything was mixed together, and then add bread crumbs. Time for a drink and aspirin.

The Cherry cake was finishing up, so we took it out and just let it sit there heating up the kitchen. The pork was about done on the stovetop, getting a nice brown crust on it, then we added cream and let it simmer, while spooning liquid over the whole thing. Eventually, the loins went in the oven to finish for about an hour. We added the wine and let it go. We almost forgot that we needed gravy for the dumplings, so we kept the pork drippings in the pan, added some cream, flour, salt and pepper. It made a whopping half a cup, so we grabbed the store-bought gravy and threw it in. Oh the horror, the horror...

With about 30 minutes left on the pork, I got the steamer started with the green beans, then also started sautéing the mushrooms. We could see the light at the end of the tunnel cake. At that point, our friends had just arrived in time to help us drink more and become more inebriated than usual. I enthusiastically described the steamer we just purchased and how it was the next best thing to an IPOD. I was like a drunk guy on the Shopping Channel, "whooohooo, check this sh*t out folks--it steams stuff! It cooks with WATER!!!" Our friends were sold... They bought a steamer the same night on Amazon.

The beans were then mixed with the shrooms, along with some cream, flour and butter. Finally, everything came together at the right time, and we finished off by poaching the dumplings. They only took about a minute to cook, so it was like an afterthought.

Eating: Time to dig in! Everything once again, looked fantastic and just how we had wanted it to look. After we took a few pics of the items, it was time to carve up those piggly wiggly loins and go to town. We let our friend Chris do the slicing, as he is a master at cutlery and chopping things up with various weaponry. Once the meat was adequately sliced, the chowdown had begun. The first pork loin that was sliced was the skinnier of the two. As I mentioned before, the difference in the pork loins would be discussed. The pork was dry and tough, like my lawn mowing shoes after sitting in the sun for a week.

The other items were mostly edible and delicious. The beans/mushroom platter was like a homemade green bean casserole, but without the fried onions. Had to add salt and pepper, as it was bland, like the food you get at Bishops. However the mushrooms and freshly steamed beans were perfect. The Tivoli salad was fresh, cool and creamy. The ham with the Havarti cheese added depth and comfort to the otherwise light and cool veggies. Then it was time for the dumplings. Little spongy and chewy bread chunks, as dense as a doorknob and the flavor of construction paper. Thank goodness for gravy.

I was somewhat disappointed in the pork, since we worked so hard to do it right. I then decided to cut open the other loin to see what we may have been missing. Sure enough, the second loin was cooked to perfection, moist and flavorful. I told everyone to stop eating the shoe and try the new stuff instead. The evening was salvaged as almost everything was consumed and very little leftovers to bag up.

Finally for dessert, we broke open the Cherry Cake. It looked better than it tasted. As most of the items from the recipes were somewhat dull and lacked flavor, so did the Cherry Cake. The cherries were fine, but the cake was like fluffed drywall. Perhaps putting on some spackle frosting would have gave this insipid flapjack some zip.

All in all, it was a decent feast, with some highs and lows. The fun is in the challenge of creating new and unfamiliar things and the journey from conception to execution. Our mistakes are getting smaller and less noticeable. Speaking of mistakes, when the wife says she doesn't need any help, it means "get the f*** out of my way, old man!" Next time, I will heed that advice and make myself small and stealth-like. We also learned that seasoning is underappreciated and adding spice to your cooking leads to a fulfilling and flavorful experience.

Next up: E is for Ecuador or Egypt... We haven't decided yet! Stay tuned!

Worldwide Kitchen - Cambodian Carnivores

Classroom! It is time to hit our next letter, and if you are paying attention at home, we are on the letter "C." As we sailed the "C's" for something different and new (how could it not be?), we decided to go with Cambodia. We considered the Czech Republic, Columbia and Chile, but since I am already Czech and we have already done South American fare with Brazil, we decided to be daring and original and opt for a little Asian zing...

Once again, Lauri and I raided the internet menus for recipes and we were not disappointed. The website we found had more recipes than Raul Julia Childs. If you are interested in trying some of them out, you can go here: http://www.khmerkromrecipes.com/

In any event, it took us several nights to land on a four course menu that we both agreed would be tasty and non-tragic in its end-results. We landed on a salad, a soup, a main meat course and of course, the dreaded dessert. This time, however, we fixed our gaze on a dessert that gave us a fighting chance at success. We also learned that if you want to do these recipes right, ya gotta run out to a real Ethnic grocery store and leave the HyVee for stuff like cheese and soda.

Our menu consisted of the following:

Chrout Carrot nung thay-thao (Carrot with Daikon relish)
Salor d'um-lon twea (Purple yam soup)
Sach moan ang (Bake plum chicken)
Num tirk doung (Coconut pound cake)

Try ordering that at Eggroll House. FAIL.

Shopping: As I mentioned above, there was no way in Cambodian hell that we were going to find the majority of the ingredients we needed at the local supermarket. What we needed was a road trip to Coralville to the Asian market on the Strip. This was very exciting, as we have never been to this store, and we really wanted to bask in the experience. The items we needed for our feast included a daikon, which is like a giant radish-like root. It is very fibrous, but much milder tasting than a regular radish. Yes, I realize you can get them at the boring old local grocer, but what fun is that?

We also needed purple yams, which are purple on the inside, not the outside. They look like regular sweet potatoes from a distance, but once you peel that bad boy, you got our hands on an exact replica of Grimace from the McDonald's stable of influential characters.

Next on the shopping list was fish sauce and plum sauce. If you know how fish sauce is made, you would run, not walk to get away from this stuff. However, it is very tasty when combined with other scrumptious morsels. We also picked up some Coconut milk for the cake. There were 90 brands of coconut milk.

When we found the items we were looking for, we celebrated by stuffing our shopping baskets with a bunch more crap that looked interesting and whimsical. As you can see in the enclosed exhibit, we were obviously captivated by the bright, shiny colors and the pulse-pounding graphics on the labels. Marketing Genius! To be honest, I don't know what half the stuff is, but I have a feeling that I will find out some day.

The rest of the stuff we obtained at the HyVee, like chicken, shrimp, coconut, green onions, sugar and flour.

Prep: Once again, it made sense for us to tag team and prep all this stuff together. I handled the Carrot and Daichon salad, as well as the Plum Chicken. Lauri handled the Purple Yam Soup and of course, the Coconut Poundcake dessert.

The Carrots and Daichon needed to be cut in julienne strips, so my knife work was put to the test. Actually, I tried to cheat and use the food processor and that turned out to be a royal mistake. Julienne and Shred are NOT the same thing. I cut the veggies into small strips, and as I did so, I kept thinking about Chef Ann Burrell, the spikey-haired blonde from "Worst Cooks in America". I was imagining her slamming me with a profanity-laced tirade to be consistent with my knife cuts. After cutting for what seemed like hours, it was time to mix the veggies with white rice vinegar, sugar and salt. Completed the task, covered and stuck it in the fridge to chill.

In the meantime, Lauri had started on the purple yam peeling. Once we saw the colors, we knew this soup would be ugly, but would probably taste good. The yams needed to be shredded into bits, but again the food processor was not up to task, so she hand-shredded them with one of those old metal torture devices for vegetables (and knuckles). The soup also called for fresh shrimp, which also needed to be ground up. I was thinking "shrimp-burger!" This time the processor got its chance to do some damage and it pummeled those sea-monkeys into oblivion. We added the other ingredients to the shrimp (green onion, basil, salt and pepper) and stuck that in the fridge until it was time to add to the soup.
The next two items (the Plum Chicken and Coconut Cake) were a piece of uhhh cake. You could use any chicken pieces you wanted, so we had three chicken breasts (bone-in). The obnoxiously large chicken breasts were the size of pterodactyls, which will cause pain and suffering later on (you'll see!). At any rate, the chicken just need to marinate in the plum sauce, soy sauce and other herbs/spices.

As Lauri finished up prepping the batter for the cake, it was time to start cooking.

Cooking: We were getting the hang of doing really good and thorough prep work on the stuff before cooking it, which made things much easier for cooking. The shredded purple yams went into a pot of water to boil. Once the poached Grimace was soft, it was time to add the shrimp mixture and polish off with delectable fish sauce.

As the taters were boiling, we noted that the chicken could probably go in the oven (for 45 minutes) at 400 degrees. But then to our horror, we saw that we also needed the oven for baking that coconut cake. The real dilemma was that the cake was to be in the oven for an hour at 350 degrees. Woe is us!!! Our initial solution to have everything done at roughly the same time (by this time, it was already around 7:30 PM), was to have the two items share the oven and set it to 375. Well, it was much too late in the process do cook them separately, so we went that direction with dubious high hopes.

Folks, this where it gets sideways. After an hour at 375, the stuff looked good. The cake was done and the chicken looked good and felt firm. I took the temp of the yard-bird and it read 180, so I assumed it was done.

In the meantime, back to the Purple Rain soup... it was time to add the shrimp and let it cook til pink. We also threw in some fish sauce and topped it with more green onions and parsley. It looked frightful, but smelled delightful.

So everything was done. Or so we thought.

Eating: We took the chilled daikon/carrot salad out of the fridge and served it up first. Very pickly and vinegary, but had a nice sugary sweetness to compliment the sour. The daichon had almost no flavor, but had a good bite and texture to it. Overall, it was a good dish, and I hope Ann Burrell is proud of my knife cuts.
The purple yam soup... This eyesore of a stew was unappetizing to look at, but boy did it smell great. The aroma of potatoes and shrimp filled the room and made our mouths water. We dug in and ladled the soup over some rice. The taste was phenomenal. Surprisingly, the purple yams tasted more like regular baked potatoes and the little ground up shrimp pieces added some nice texture. It was like a baked potato soup/shrimp chowder combo, and it rocked.

And now the Plum Chicken... Looks great. Smells great. First layer of meat - GREAT. The rest of the hormone/steroid chicken breast--UNDERCOOKED. Of course, I blame HyVee's Poultry wrangler. No chicken breasts should be this ridiculously colossal. Ohhh the disappointment of having our first all-around successful dinner, ruined by some pink white meat. I threw them back in the oven, but it was too late... We were full up on Grimace Soup.

Yessir... the ugliest soup in the world was the hit of the evening. I would make this again in a heartbeat. And psssst... this just in: The dessert turned out to be a winner, winner, NO chicken for dinner! The Coconut cake was fan-freaking-tastic.

So although we failed on the clucker, we rose to the occasion on the other three courses. Lessons learned: Give yourself enough time to prep and cook the dessert prior to everything else. Ovens are not made to share or compromise their temperature settings to average things out. We are smarter and better people because of this erroneous error in judgment.

So that does it for the C word... C is for Cambodia and Colossal Chickens. It also stands for Can't Cook Chicken/Cake Coexistently.

Next stop around the world kitchens is D... and D is for Denmark... Stay tuned!