Sunday, December 7, 2008

To Heck with Jack Frost

Greetings and welcome to another Iowa winter! I know most of you are shaking your heads and spewing curse words at me—HEY, I feel your pain! I like Iowa winters as much as I like annual dental checkups. They both hurt, and the thought of them elicit a sense of doom, gloom and dread. Yet here we are, still here after all these years. How many times have you thought about moving to a warmer location? Dream on, Iowans…



We live here because we like having different seasons—each one of the three (four, if you count spring) helps us appreciate all the different changes we encounter. I don’t count spring anymore, because quite frankly, I think it’s left the building. Spring skips Iowa—it goes straight from winter to summer. Where else can you have 20 degrees and snow one day, and sunny skies and 75 the next day?

At any rate, we are talking about winter and snow and ice and sleet. After you add the sand and the salt, our streets become a 7 Layer Salad of sludge. There are plenty of reasons to hate Iowa winters and I will gladly list my Top 10 reasons:

10. Snowblowers that blow snow back in your face—I hate that!

9. Snowplows that block your driveway with mammoth chunks of ice—thanks a lot!

8. Taking out the trash and recycle bin and falling on your ass because of that ice patch

7. People who forget how to drive in winter and rear-end you

6. Morons in 4x4’s who think they can defy physics. Yup, brakes are overrated-driver, meet ditch…

5. Getting out of bed—can’t we be like bears and hibernate?

4. Wind Chill—talk about insult to injury—why do we have to endure this cruel add-on?

3. Shopping – holiday shoppers can be rude, crude and violent. Is that overpriced Cabbage Patch Elmo whatchamacallit worth trampling each other over?

2. It’s dark out at 5:00! If winter isn’t depressing enough, let’s make everything darker and colder for most of the day--brilliant!

1. Ice – Snow is bad enough, but we seem to get more than our fair share of ice. Nothing screams panic attack quite like your car sliding downhill sideways—whoohooo!
Now don’t get me wrong—there are a few things that are good about winter in Iowa. I don’t want to be a negative nelly. In winter, it is acceptable to lie around the house all weekend and watch football on TV. You also don’t have to mow the lawn and pick up dog poo. Some of us put on a little extra weight, you know, as insulation to, ahem, protect us from the cold. Underneath all the layers of clothing and road salt, ARE reasons to like winter—you just gotta dig through the slushy muck to find them.

Seasons to Savor

Tis the season of winter and all through the house, not a creature was stirring… ok, you get the picture. It’s the nuttier than a fruitcake holiday time of year, and are you ready for it? I believe the madness starts right around the Thanksgiving holiday and continues until New Year’s Day. However, it seems to be creeping closer and closer to Halloween, and then you have Christmas marketing for three months straight. If I hear that Menard’s jingle with the unintelligible words again, I will shop at HO HO Home Depot from that point going forward.

In addition to the shopping sprees and consumer conundrums, there is the special holiday MENU to think about. It seems that the holidays are the perfect alibi for stuffin’ ourselves like the Thanksgiving turkey we just mowed down. In addition to the traditional holiday fare, there are some unique delicacies to sample as well as seasonal libations.

I have compiled a list of seasonal snackers and tantalizing treats that will make your mouths water, or make you run far, far away.

In addition to the good standbys; turkey, ham, Christmas cookies, fudge and pumpkin pie, here are the other items you see (or don’t see) around the holidays:

Sugar plums – I have no idea what these are and I have never seen one-I think they are fictional.
Chestnuts – Sounds more like a medical condition.
Fruitcake – It’s neither a fruit nor a cake. Whatever it is, it is not good.
Goose – Do people really eat these?
Mincemeat Pie – The “headcheese” of desserts. No thanks, I’ll pass
Meringue Cookies – If you like the taste and texture of chalk, then these are for you!
Plum Pudding – Another make-believe dessert, or at least on the endangered species list.
Summer Sausage and Cheese – Why do people only eat summer sausage in the winter?
Roast Beast – It’s what the Hoos from Hooville eat, and I want to know where I can get one.
Eggnog – Nothing like fat in a glass! One cup = ten zillion calories
Candy Canes – Has anyone ever taken them out of the plastic wrap and not broken it?
Wintergreen - Ok, it's a flavor, but why anyone likes it is beyond me. Nothing like the deliciousness of Pepto Bismol and Skoal chewing tobacco--mmmm, tasty.


So another delectable season of strangeness lies ahead. Go forth and venture into new culinary territory! But do so at your own risk and buyer beware! I will stay true to my tradition of ordering Chinese food and pizza--sausage and chestnuts, please!

Happy Holidays!

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Political Prattle

As we wind down to the upcoming election, we reflect on the barrage of campaigning, slogans, punditry and propaganda, and like most folks, I’m just tired of it.

Let’s just get this Presidential vote over with, so we can go on with our lives. The media blitz that bombards are TVs, radios and internet is a non-stop circus of epic proportions. It’s 24x7 coverage of every move, every word, and every gesture that our candidates make. If they sneeze, we will hear about it on FOX News. If one of the candidates has a rash from too much sun, CNN will make sure we are notified.

Remember when we judged our Political candidates by what they stood for, their platform? Is that getting lost among all the rigmarole? No wonder no one knows who to vote for these days. We are busy people—we need to know the facts! I don’t know about you people, but I don’t have time to watch or listen to 18 news stations every day about what so-and-so believes and how they changed their opinion six times on four different issues.

On top of that, you have your clearly biased talk show radio hosts who cram reckless interpretations of their beliefs down our throats, as if they were facts. Opinions are like bad hair days, and these people have several. It worries me that there are a lot of people who take this stuff as gospel and choose to vote without really knowing what they are voting for.

It’s time for the media, both news and talk radio, to be more responsible in their coverage of these huge political events! This is our future. Letting some loose-lipped hacks with hidden agendas influence the folks who don’t have access to the facts is a scary proposition.

Both Presidential and VP candidates are human and have made mistakes in their lives. Both Presidential and VP candidates have their advantages and disadvantages. Before making decisions on race or gender or because someone’s “easy on the eyes”, please do your country and yourself and family a service and do your due diligence in knowing who and what you are voting for. What is important to you?

Regardless of the perpetual media blitz, it is still we the people that need to wrap our heads around this election and vote with a common purpose. We need to demand better from our leaders, from our media and from ourselves.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Why I Hate Fantasy Football

Football season is upon us, and I for one am extremely excited and happy that it is. I have always been a football fan, since I was a wee lad. I started my football fandom as a young supporter of the Green Bay Packers. Back then, you liked whatever team your parents thought you would like, and for them it was the Packers. I didn’t have a choice in the matter.

As I started to develop my own identity, something happened that I had never seen before—the league introduced two new teams. It was the Seattle Seahawks and Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Well, Seattle’s shiny silver helmets blew me away, and when you are nine years old, helmet color was near the top of the list in choosing favorite teams. So Seattle it was! (and besides, the Buccaneer helmets were white and pastel orange—yuk!)

To this day, I have been a Seattle fan through thick and thin, and believe me, it has been thin for a long time, so my loyalty cannot be questioned.

But then along came Fantasy Football. An addicting game of drafting players from all over the league to form your own all-star team. Then you play your friends and colleagues every week and see who has the most points after each weekend.
As fun as this may seem, it also makes you question your sanity. You become attached to the TV and computer watching for updates on your drafted players to see how they are doing. You are focused like a laser on each and every game and you know who is playing who, what time, where it’s played and the current weather conditions. You consider dropping your cable TV and picking up Satellite TV and ordering the NFL package in which you can watch every game simultaneously.

Not to mention, you neglect your family and pets. They are talking to you, and all you hear is “blah, blah dinner blah” or “blah, blah the house is burning down blah blah.”

“Not now, honey, Peyton Manning is in the red zone!”

But the worst thing about Fantasy Football is how it makes you cheer for teams and players you don’t even like, and even drive you to root against your own team! I have Tony Romo (Cowboys QB) and he is playing my beloved Seattle Seahawks. I want my Seahawks to win, of course, but I also want Romo to throw some damn touchdowns so I can smoke my Fantasy opponent!

This inner struggle is what nearly drives us to lunacy as you writhe in agony when your team sacks your starting Fantasy QB. You don’t know whether to cheer or boo! It’s an inescapable quandary that will drive you to the brink of madness. Although it’s called Fantasy Football, it’s more like Nightmare Football in which reality is a welcome addition (but not until next season)!

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Text Messaging is not LOL


As cell phone usage is becoming as common as diet cola, the actual “talking” part is taking a backseat to another cell phone function. This function is “text messaging.”

For those not cognizant of the whole text message phenomena (which I’m sure there aren’t too many), it is using your cell phone as an instant emailing device to another cell phone.

Yes, I admit it—I have fallen victim to the text messaging brouhaha like a lot of folks. It is just so damn convenient and impersonal. Who the hell wants to actually talk to anyone? I don’t have time for a real conversation. I just want to communicate with a few choice letters, numbers and symbols. Better yet, I want to use acronyms to communicate my general feelings at that given moment.

For instance, if someone sends me something hilarious, I may respond with an “LOL.” That means “Laughing Out Loud” for you non-texters. Of course, I am not really laughing out loud---people might think I’m insane or possessed. In addition, when I want to say “you”, I will type the letter “U”. Brilliant I say! No time to type words!

I kid, I kid. Although I admit to using text messaging, I also understand the dangers of this digital deciphering debauchery.

Text messaging in the wrong hands can be a hazard to one’s health. First of all, if you have a teenager, your blood pressure will be impacted when you receive the bill. 8500 text messages in one month! Are you %$#^@ nuts? Of course the kids always bring up some mystery friend from school that had 13,000 texts—zowey!!!

Another pitfall of epic proportions is this infernal text messaging while driving a car thing. What is so important that can’t wait until the five minute drive home from school is over? Oh yeah. Wendy’s has a new Frosty flavor.

Remember the good old days when we were just worried about people talking on their cell while rocketing down the road? At least they could see the road. Is it just a coincidence that automobile accidents went way up last year? Chew on this… According to CTIA-The Wireless Assn., U.S. subscribers sent close to 48 billion text messages last year compared to a paltry 9 billion from 2005. Hmmm, gee I wonder if there is a correlation?

Text messaging has its positives, when used in moderation. I actually send a “group” text message to my softball team when there is a rainout. NICE! However, I don’t send it while driving to Wendy’s for that new Frosty. LOL! Any questions? If so, then RTFM… ; )

Monday, June 16, 2008

The Good, Bad and Ugly of FLOOD '08

As a Native Cedar Rapidian, and current resident, the great flood of '08 is having and will have a lasting impact in my mind.

First of all, the sheer disaster of the entire downtown area under water was incomprehensible to not only me, but to everyone alive. No one predicted that the water would rise and crest to 31 feet! The huge flood of 1993 was a mere 2o feet, and that was considered HUGE!

What has happened here is unprecedented in many ways. They call this a "500 Year" flood, in that a disaster of this magnitude only comes around once every 500 years. And in this scenario, there is a 500 Year flood evacuation plan. 12 blocks on both sides of the river were mandated to evacuate. Take a few things here and there, but leave everything else behind. Every person and animal had to find shelter with more often than not, just their shirts on their backs.

Travel, although not advised was severely crippled as ALL bridges were either closed or completely under water. The only way from one side of the river to the other was the ONE highway (I 380). Of course, this route was so inundated with traffic, it was like a parking lot. The one time I had to take I 380 was on my way home from work Wednesday afternoon, and the combination of shock, disgust and sadness made its way through my bones, especially when I saw my dad's old Dairy Queen under water. Although we no longer own the DQ, it will always be in our hearts, especially since my Dad built this one from the ground up.

It was mind-numbing to see the courthouse and Mays Island under water. All the main downtown bridges completely deluged--you could only see the tops of the railings. Very few downtown structures were spared. Even the biggest Hospital was completely evacuated. Another landmark near and dear to my Bohemian heart is the Czech Village area and National Czech Museum. I hope and pray that it can fully recover, especially knowing that it is the only Czech Museum in the entire country.

Although, I could go on about this horrible and devastating catastrophe, I also wanted to point out some things that make me proud to be CR native. The community, as a whole, really came together to help each other. Volunteers were aplenty during the crisis. Emergency responders moved quickly to try to rescue people and animals and were affective that not one person or creature was left behind, which is simply amazing. Shelters were opened up immediately and even the full ones weren't going to turn any person down. Clothes and other items were donated at a record pace.

What really hit me hard, and in a good way, was the volunteer effort to sandbag the last water pumping station, and then to immediately march over to Mercy Medical Center to continue the sandbaggging effort. First of all, it was around midnight. Not the time of day where most people are getting ready to perform hard labor. This group of go-getters literally saved the last good water we had in record time. But that wasn't good enough--these diligent, tireless workers made their way to Mercy Medical where they proceeded to line up and factory-pile sandbag after sandbag, after sandbag to try to save the hospital. It didn't matter that they were going to evacuate the patients--they kept going and going. In fact, it was reported that 1200 people showed up to volunteer. They were telling people to go home!

Hats off too, to the state government for being there, and for FEMA for their quick reactions (I guess they learned their lesson from Katrina). Also a special mention to Channel 9 (KCRG) TV. Bruce Aune and Beth Malicki were with us almost 24x7 and it was clear they had passion for their community. Even the Channel 9 sports guys John Campbell and Scott Saville put in a ton of hours. Nothing against the other local channels, but Channel 9 clearly put more heart into it.

Simply put, this is the kind of effort that will save the city. The people of Cedar Rapids came together and helped, offered a hand, supported and rescued. This heroic effort is why Cedar Rapids will survive and even thrive.

That was the Bad and Good. Now the ugly. Every city or community have some dimwits and dumbasses. CR is no exception. Although very minimal, there were a small handful of things that raised my ire.

First of all, people stopping on the freeway to get out of their cars to take videos and pictures. You selfish assholes are putting everyone else at risk and only thinking about yourselves and your sensationalistic evidence that you have witnessed a disaster. You people make me sick.


Secondly, you morons impersonating Emergency personnel or National Guard members, just to get closer to the "action." What the hell do you hope to accomplish? Something to brag about to your buddies? What a stupid act of what? I don't even know... These people should be fined, slapped (literally) and do 10000 hours of community service.

And finally, you jerks and selfish, self-centered low-lifes who were knowingly, blatantly and defiantly not complying with the water conservation effort. This might be the lowest of lows. According to the CR Gazette (newspaper), 11% of the population were not conserving water. Well gee whiz, at least they're honest! No showers, doing dishes, laundry were part of this conservation plan. If people did not adhere to this, the city would have lost ALL water and then have to go to a Boil order. Not a good situation at all. There were people out watering their lawns, hosing off their sidewalks, taking showers, flushing their toilets after each use, etc. Thoughtless and gutless. Kudos to those restaurants that served food on paper plates, plastic-ware, etc. Also congrats to those few eateries that shut off their sink water and offered up hand-sanitizer. There were even a few that brought in porta-potties. Then there are places like Lone Star Steakhouse which blatantly disregarded all of the above and decided that any reaction to the disaster was a "corporate" decision. You chicken-shit punks... Lone Star has been a "less than stellar" restaurant for many, many years, and continues to cement their reputation as a bottom-feeder in the food business. On the flip-side, Hamburger Mary's did the opposite. They even put little notes on each table, explaining that they are consciously making an effort to conserve water and how they are doing it. Oh, and the food was phenomenal.

In any event, CR has a lot of rebuilding to do. This was a tragic occurrence. People's lives have been impacted in ways that are unimaginable. However, the silver lining to me, is how this community came together, helped each other and perhaps became a stronger community. Does it take a disaster to bring people, families, friends and even strangers together? Who knows, but I do feel a lot better about rebuilding this city knowing that almost 90% of the community is working together to make it better (the other 10% can go eat at Lone Star and catch salmonella).

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Throwin' Down with the Daves



Another season of Idol is all but wrapped up and all we have left is to announce the winner at tonight's raucous finale. Who is going to pull it off tonight? Our resident rockin, sockin, straight talkin Cookie Jarvis? or that little Bear-haired hobbit with the stalker dad Archuletta?

Before we discuss individual performances, let's take a look at the overall show... New Stage! Simon is wearing a Blazer!

Well, that is about it. Oh, and the silly little boxing theme was a new wrinkle. Please... Jim Lampley from HBO's Boxing after Dark? We can do better than this, Idol producers! Apparently, our singers were coached by Clive Davis and Andrew Lloyd Weber (again). Their analysis of our finalists was pretty vanilla and blah at best. Tell us something new, you old foagerts!

The other part of the overall show, is the song selection criteria. I was wondering what absolute horrid sap-encrusted ballad they would make them both sing at the end, complete with the 900 backup singers wearing graduation gowns. Thankfully, and mercifully, they have done away with that over-produced nonsense.

Instead, we have:

1. Clive Davis choice (yawn)
2. Songwriter Selection: This is new. Instead of the producers picking ONE crappy song for them to both sing, they get to choose one of their own liking.
3. Pick whatever they want.

So let's get on with it...

Cookie Crisp:

Song 1: U2's "Still Haven't' Found What I'm Looking for" was Clive's pick for Cook. I thought it was pretty darn good. Nothing mind-blowing, but still solid. No mistakes, no pitch problems (Randy). Good way to start the show!

Song 2: The songwriter song "I have no idea what the name is." by Whatstheirface. Well it was definitely a rocker song, and for something I have never heard of, I thought it was quite good. I listened, I was entertained and I think that song would receive radio play. However, it was lacking familiarity, which sometimes hurts. Again, no flaws and a great job! The judges were being punks and didn't give Cook enough credit.

Song 3: The World I know by Collective Soul: Although, he did a fine job on this piece, it just didn't have the knockout punch that I was hoping for. Instead, Cook went a different route--he picked this song for the message and what it meant to him. Although I respect the he11 out of him for staying true to himself, it might not have been the best "strategic" move for Cookie.

Overall, I was impressed, but slightly disappointed. He performed well, he sang great, but the song choices might have been better. I agree with Simon in that if he would have went with Billie Jean or Elinor Rigby, etc, he could have taken the round.

Bear Hair Archie:

Song 1: Clay Aiken's Don't Let the Sun go Down on Me. Oh wait, that was Elton John. I was shocked that they picked this song, since no one can touch Clay's version of it. Still, the hobbit did pretty good with it. Nothing special, but just good Archuletta-branded nasally ballad goodness! I do take issue, however, with Randy's aphrodisiac-laced stroking of this kid after the song. For f**k's sakes, it wasn't that great!!! You would think that this was the best performed song of all time after watching Randy lose his bodily functions. Give me a break, drama-queen!

Song 2: Songwriter song--"In this Moment" by whocares. Typical title and typical sound for a finale song. Again, blah, blah, blah... Frodoletta did a decent enough job on this ballad to keep the crowd and the judges happy. Again, is he out of his comfort zone at all? I think not. Actually, the most noticeable thing about the performance was that ridiculous jacket he had on. It looked like it had toilet paper stuck to the side of it, but upon further review, it was some cheeseball anchor. Then I saw the back of it, and hey, another anchor! What is this, Gilligan's Island? Hey Archie, Goodwill called, they want their Mariner jacket back! Who thought of this? I was so distracted by that anchor coat, I stopped listening. Again, the judges went overboard (anchors away?) with their delusional commentary.

Song 3: Imagine by John Lennon, Been there done that. Yes, it was one of his better earlier performances, but we already heard it! In addition, I thought he sung it better the first time! In this latest version, he added a bunch of runs to try to impress the judges. They took the kool-aid and heaped praise upon young Starchie. Apparently, this song put him over the top, and according to Simon, was the knockout blow to David Cook.

After giving it some thought, I am now wondering if Simon went out of his way to pump up Bear-hair's stock, in order to get more support and sympathy votes for Cookie. Simon is a marketing guru, and everyone knows that Cookie is going to sell more records than Starchie. I think the vote will be closer than a lot of people think.

I am calling this show a draw, as both singers were good, but not great. The judges would have you believe that Frodo won by a landslide--I think NOT!

Regardless of who wins tonight, I will not be surprised either way. I will say this though... Archie needs this win more than Cookie. Cook will sell more cds because his music and voice are marketable long term. However, Archie's style of music is dull, boring and sappy. He may sell a few records to a few teens and grammas, but he will soon be forgotten. An Idol win would at least push sales of his first album and get him more face time with the world. As a 2nd place finisher, he will be another Justin Guarini, that mop-headed doofus from season 1. Who will win? Too close to call

In conclusion, great season, so-so finale. I wish both finalists well. I give Archie a hard time, but he is a good kid and I hope he stays that way. I think Cook will be more successful in the music industry. He is also a good guy and deserves to have success.

I think they need to look at the judges for next year. Randy and Paula have worn thin, and their acts are getting stale. Randy with his "pitchy" comments and "just aight with me" blurbs are tiresome. Paula's medicinal-laced rants are beyond bizarre. I still like Simon and his K-Mart v-necks though--he can stay...


OUT (until next season)

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Woody Woodpecker and the 3 Bear(hairs)


So last night, I had to sit through the whole one hour show, including those nauseating commercials to catch Idol, due to my DVR being on the fritz. It was a long hour, to say the least.

I was not impressed with their recaps of the previous night's songs--they were too short, and I didn't get a feel for what was what. What little I did see gave the impression that Cookie is in the driver's seat to win this thing.

So, let's recap the "kick-off" show. I don't usually do these, but I gotta get out of my comfort zone once in a while, eh?

First of all, I thought the format of the show was actually pretty good. The hometown visits were impressive and overwhelming to our performers. The first one was little Bear-hair Archuletta. He must have felt like the Beatles when all the goofy little teenieboppers were screaming at him and crying and trying to rip out his bear lettuce. Starchie is clearly not down with this element, so God bless him for being such an "innocent." I hope he stays that way, as fame has a knack of wrecking even the sturdiest of souls.

Ok, so let's cut to commercial--duh, like we didn't see that coming. The Ford commercial was one of the lamest I've seen. They really pushed the envelope on worshipping materialistic goods. "Hey look at my cars, SUVS and pools! I am famous, so go f*** yourselves!" I think they could have sent a more appropriate message.

Next, we have the former Idol winner Phantasia returning to perform. It was more like Spaz-tasia meets Woody Woodpecker. What the f*** was that garbage? That may well be the single worst former-Idol performance I have ever witnessed. And unlike Syscreecha, who is eye-candy, Phantasia is more like eye-headcheese. What the he11 was that bright red crap on her noggin? Is she auditioning for Grace Jone's part in Conan the Destroyer? The only thing she destroyed was her reputation as a respected artist. I am not sure I understood a thing that came out of her mouth. Good grief ,that was bad, and did you see Simon's face during that trainwreck? I was laughing my @ss off!

So back to the good performers.... Sloesha was next on her trip home. I think her dad needs to understand what TMI means. Did he really have to tell a zillion people that his daughter singing is keeping him off crack and meth? It may be a good story, but not to be shared by everyone and their dog. She also went back to the Doll-Head look, much to my chagrin. She is drop-dead with straight hair and could be a model. actress, whatever. Oh well, to each their own.

And then Cookie. Neat story about his brother, and then he went on stage as well. Cook's trip home was pretty cool, but I must say it was turned up a hundred notches when he returned to his elementary school and brought his old music teacher flowers. It was one of those things that warms the cockles of the heart ( I have no idea what a cockle is). Seriously, that moment cemented Cook as one of my all-time fave idol contestants---he is a class act.

And without further ado and further embarrassment (Spaz-tasia), here we go with the Top 3. They all stood together, and you can tell they like each other, which is cool. I didn't realize bear-hair is so wee.... He is a chihuaha among the big dogs.

So after the break (thanks Seakrust for really shocking us with THAT one), we will find out. Yes, as you know, it was poor Sloesha who got the boot. As many have predicted, it is David vs David, or DAVID vs david.

Let's face it folks, unless the Idol producer make them sing all sappy ballads next week, this is Cook's contest to lose. The final song will be some melodramatic load of sap with too many backup singers (as is the custom). The smart cookie will figure out a way to beat the balladeering hobbit at his own game. It will be a great competition. But seriously, who the he11 is going to sell more records? Look at Daughtry's #s compared to Reuben, Clay and Elliot's. It's not even close.

Stay tuned for the battle royale. And will somebody please tape it for me, just in case my effing DVR blows up on me again? Thanks!


OUT

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Rock and Roll Over in my Grave

I thought last night was supposed to be Rock and Roll Hall of Fame night? Out of eight songs, there was only ONE true rock and roll song, which was Baba O'Reilly by our esteemed rocker DaCook. Another disappointing and upchuck-inducing night of crappy reggae, motown covers and freaking ballads. Stick to the genre, ya mooks!

At any rate, this was supposed to be Cookie's night to shine, and overall I thought he did a great job. Could he have done better? He11's Bells YES! I would have loved to hear some actual rockers, but I guess I was not that shocked by the other three's choices.

It would have been cool to bring Alice Cooper, Stephen Tyler or Gene Simmons to be the mentor, but alas, it was not to be. Instead, we get Sanjaya, Chicken Little and Space Ace Young. Speaking of ho's, was that Antoiletta Barba in the audience???

At least we didn't have the judges all confused, as the format of the show went back to normal. Last week was a trainwreck that I would soon like to forget.

On to the performances that didn't rock:

1. Cookie Jarvis: Hungry Like the Wolf??? When that song first came out, it was "new wave," not rocknroll. I was stunned when I heard he chose that. However, he changed it up and rocked it out as well as anyone could. I was actually impressed. His second song "Baba O'Reilly" by the Who was spot on and actually fit the genre (in my opinion, of course) better than anything else sung last night. Overall, I am putting him in first for the night.

2. Sloesha Mercenary: She looked fantastic, but after I learned that she was doing "Proud Mary", I think I threw up in my mouth a little. Not only is this song done every freaking season, but it's always the fahrfevnugen Tina Turner version! It's a CCR song for cripes sakes! I hated it, and the song should be banned from the show. Her second song was something I never heard of, (Sam Cook) but it was just AIGHT for me. I appreciate her emotional attachment to it, but again, it is not really a rocker. I am disappointed because I thought she was going to wow us. Hopefully she keeps the straight hair--the doll-head thing is a travesty.

3. Jason Castaway: Dred-boy will be getting a job at the post office, cuz he has MAILED it in. This was by far his worst night, and like Simon, I was pretty irritated. This goofy guy had potential early on, but clearly his mind is not in the game at this point. I think he misses his reefer and hangin out with his other stoner pals. His tortured rendition of "I shot Omar Shariff" was a pile of bovine fecal matter. AND then on his second song "Mr Tambourine Man", he forgot the words (brain cell damage). He recovered, but too little too late. Pack your bags, and your hair, boy--you goin home!

4. The Hobbit: Hey guess what, Archuletta is going with a ballad!! Holy sh*t!!!!!! I am stunned and amazed! Although, solid vocally, as he usually is, the hobbit just bores me to tears. The only thing that keeps me watching, is marveling at why his lips aren't more chapped. What the he11 was he doing with his eyebrows last night?? It reminds me of the muppets on Sesame Street. I think Frank Oz was manipulating Archie's face with wires and hooks. So he sung "Stand by Me" and "Love me Tenderloin", and neither had me jumping for joy. Randy Fatson, again, was stroking the Hobbit excessively this week and needs to be put down.

Randy needs to shut his cakehole--his commentary is about as useful as Paula's liver. Then he made Sloesha cry! Big meanie!

Overall, the Rock and Roll Hall of Shame night was a disappointment, but not a surprise. When Castro is gone, there will be one rocker, one balladeer and one motown r&b singer. At least out of the three of them, Cookie Jarvis is the only one brave enough to mix it up and take risks.

Rankings for Wuss and Roll night:

1. Cookie Jarvis
2. Hobbit
3. Sloesha
4. Postal Boy

I can't even fathom anyone going home tonight that is not named Jason Castro. However, the Hobbit needs to go back to the Shire and learn what rock and roll is. Stay tuned for tonight's Kick Off show, where Frodo and Gandalf are set to perform ballads.


OUT

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Virtual Shopping Spree

Oh my gosh—I have discovered the greatest thing since squeezable mayonnaise! You can actually buy things over the internet! Ok, I will quit pretending that this is a novel idea—I mean let’s be real—internet commerce has been alive and kicking for some time now.

I must admit that the first time I made a purchase online, I was very nervous. Internet security was not as advanced as it is now, and there were these creepy “hackers” everyone kept talking about just waiting to leech onto your credit card numbers. So I made sure I went to a site that had the little shield at the bottom of the screen that “ensured” protection against these world wide weasels. Fortunately for me, my box of 1999 Hockey cards made it to me safely and without incident.

The rest is history. I am now an Internet buying guru. Almost everything I own and most gifts I have purchased have been online. If you can’t find it locally, NO PROBLEM-order it online! I actually do try to support the local businesses as much as possible, but there are just some things you can’t find around here.

For example, the Shamwow towels you might have seen on TV peddled by the ubiquitous Billy Mays, that black-bearded ball of boisterous bullpucky. Well, he sold me, and now I have eight Shamwow towels for the price of four! Yes, I ordered them online and when I ripped them open, I immediately poured an entire glass of orange juice on one, and I’ll be darned, but it soaked up the whole thing and wanted seconds!

I’ve ordered everything from CDs to snowblowers, folks. I have every virtual store bookmarked. Books, shoes, videos, vitamins, outerwear, underwear, socks, shocks, and jocks—it’s all covered and neatly indexed on my computer.

I think this buying online thing is especially great for the male gender. A lot of guys don’t like to go out shopping for stuff, me included. Buying online gives guys the outlet to get guy stuff and never leave the sofa. We can watch football while ordering man shavers and toy cars… you know--those necessities in life.

The best thing about buying online, is that you can get rid of all the junk when you are done with it by selling it on Ebay. If anyone is interested in some towels and a nose hair trimmer, just look up my handle on the internet…

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Diamonds in the Rough

Last night was Neil Diamond night and each singer gets to go twice. This means that Ryan SeaKrust has to hurry the show along. In fact the whole format of the show changed last night, and quite frankly it was a freaking debacle.

No comments from the judges until the 2nd song? What braintrust thought of this? Obviously, they didn't tell Crackhead Paula, who critiqued both of Jason Cass-stroh's songs, when he had only performed one. Paula was so useless last night, they would have gotten smarter commentary from Pauly Shore. The judges clearly were not ready for this new format, and personally, I thought it sucked.

In any event, back to Kneel Diamond. I don't think I've ever seen him live before, so that was pretty cool. All I know is that I used to hear him on my mom's AM radio in the mornings. He does have a nice catalog of material and I was thinking that Cook was going to shine like no other. So, how did the other pretenders do?

1. Jason Castor Oil: More like cast-rated. Very disappointed in Castro last night. His first song, Forever in Blue Jeans, had no oomph to it. It was very soft and cuddly like a pet hamster. I kept waiting for him to growl a little, but as I said before, he doesn't have that in him. His second song was equally flaccid. He sung like he was on valium, or whatever other drug Paula slipped him under the table.

2. AC Cook: Last night Cook had the letters "AC" on his jacket, and it's also on his guitar. His initials are DC. So does that make him an AC DC fan? Ok enough gibberish... Cook was brilliant on both songs last night. This is his competition to lose. I never heard of those songs he did, but it didn't matter--they were freaking great!

3. Brooke Wobbly White: Her first song (I'm a Believer from the Monkees) might go down as one of the worst in TOP 5 history. It was absolutely appalling. I've seen better karaoke at Al's Red Frog. What the f*** was she thinking? Did she not remember Krispy Lee's repulsive version of "8 Days a Week" during Beatles week? This was just as bad, if not worse. She did redeem herself somewhat on the piano song. Still, she is in serious trouble along with Judge Dred.

4. Davey Parched-uletta: The lip licking little man cruised through Sweet Caroline like a dull knife through mayonnaise. In other words, who cares... Davey sure sounds a lot like Christopher Cross (Sailing). Again, blah, blah, blah. Randy should be man-slapped for heaping such praise on this kid. His second song "Coming to America" was soggy and somber. He is the anti-Neil Diamond. I was not happy with this performance. Neil Diamond has a nice growl to his voice, very man-like indeed. This had wuss-factor written all over it. "SORRY!"

5. Syscreecha Mercado: I actually thought her first song was outstanding. If she can pick THAT kind of song every week, she will have momentum to carry her into the finals and one of the Davids will get steamrolled over. David ? vs Syscreecha (can you believe it?) Unfortunately (for her), her second song was a shipwreck. To me it sounded like a funked up motown makeover, and those are a dime-a-dozen in this competition.

Overall, I would say Cook and Syscreecha's stock has gone up after the show. Arghhhuletta's has stayed the same, and Bungalow Brook and Castroh's has gone down hill, like a steaming ball of doggy doo.

Ratings for Diamond Week:

1. COOK, hands down (or up--it aint even close)
2. Syscreecha
3. Starchuletta
4. Wharbling White
5. Cast iron skillet

I just can't picture the top 3 going home tonight. It MUST be Brooke or Castro, and deservedly so. I like Jason, but he just has too many quaaludes in his system to give him the drive to win this thing. Babylon Brooke's song choices and knack for speaking out of turn will end her competition early.

If Brooke goes home, watch out for Syscreecha the next few weeks--she will pick up a lot of Brooke's fan base.

By the way, did anyone see the sign in the crowd for the "man-love" for Simon? That was classic!


OUT

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Welcome to Boredway!

THIS.... is American Insomnia! Last night we were abused by the tiresome sounds of Broadway as our contestants belted out hard-rocking show tunes from Pottsy Webber. Was that Ralph Malph I saw in the audience? Ok, with all due respect to Andrew Lloyd Weber, this was not a show I was looking forward to. Really, I was just curious as to see how Cookie Crisp would do with this genre.

Was it me, or did Paula look absolutely whacked out of her skull? Her hair and makeup were kabuki style with the big red rouge cheeks. Her long-windedness with each contestant bordered on lunacy and filled a steaming pot of verbal empty calories.

In any event, we have the Top 6 doing their best to be Broadway stars--thank goodness for TIVO/DVR because having to watch commercials on top of this borefest would have sent me over the edge...

1. Screecha Mercado: She actually did pretty good here, and goes in my top 2. I want so badly to root against her, but she earned her way to another week. Obviously, this theatrical music stuff is right up her alleyCATS. See you on Broadway Screechy! And thanks for dropping the Doll-head hair for the week.

2. Stony Castro: Holy Dred Lox! Talk about unfreakingcomfortable. What a struggle for our young wolf-eyed stoner. Definitely not his style and way out of his zone. He will be a bottom-dweller tonight, thanks to the geniuses that put this show together. Maybe Pottsy could have helped him pick a more suitable song?

3. Brooke, "no wait, sorry" White: What the f***? "I will sing when I'm good and ready!" Does Bubble-head Brooke think this is a game of Duck-Duck-Goose and can call "do-over!" anytime she wants? This is live TV man!!! This is the second time this has happened--not acceptable on a show of this magnitude. She did recover nicely, but too little too late. Bottom Dweller--"DO OVER!"

4. Daddy's Boy Archuleta: First of all, his dad is creepy. I bet he makes young Bear-hair do vocal training exercises 24x7. Starchy did, you guessed it, a tender ballad. Oh the girlys loved it. I did not. I agree with Simon Scowl here--very forgettable and mundane. Show something new and interesting, you lip-licking, one trick pony keg.

5. Curly Smithson 2.0: Curly has had a style makeover and now cannot be made an example of. However, she still has that annoying constipated look of distress when she belts out the high notes. Her performance of Jesus Christ Superstar was at least peppy and entertaining, but I was distracted by those facial tics. If Starchy has to open his eyes, then Curly has to stop the exlax face. Her Simon t-shirt and the close-up of her significantly inked up other puts her at risk tonight.

6. Da Cook: The only performance that was worth remembering for me. I wasn't sure he could pull this off, but he did. There were some weird parts at the beginning, but overall, it was excellent and different. If he can sing this gibberish, then he should be able to cruise the rest of the way.

In sum, the bookend performers did the best. It was like a sandwich with really good bread, but with rancid meat and moldy condiments. Cookie and Screechy were by far the best performers last night. The middle four were boring and had me snoring.

Rankings for Pottsy Webber night:

1. David Whaz Cookin!
2. Sloesha
3. Curly SmithandWesson
4. Bear-hair Archuleta
5. Bumbling Brooke
6. Dreaded Lock Jason

I am thinking the bottom 3 are going to be: Jason, Brooke, Curly

No DO OVERs tonight, Babbler--you are gone!!!! (but it would not be a shocker if ANY of the three go)


OUT

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Mariah's Mental Midgets

Last night was the dreaded Mariah Carey night, well it was dreaded for me, anyway. As most of you know, I am not interested, nor do I listen to that kind of music. I will acknowledge Mariah's "talents" however. She stacks up with the best of them! ; )

In any event, I was initially thinking if I had to take a day off Idol watching, this would probably be the one. However, I swam through the sludgy muck of sad sappy sodapop silliness, and here I am.

For starters, I am very annoyed with Ryan SeaKrust and his pompous introduction that..... THIS....................is American Idol!!!! It's almost like he is saying, "look at me and my nancy-boy faux-hawk (that pointy hair on top of his dome), I am the Idol! ME, ME, ME!" Shut the F up you little toolbox. In addition, Paula looked stoned again, and she had the bedhead going full bore. Corey Clark?

So on to the performers and their dates with Drew, I mean, Mariah Carey.

1. David Bear-Hair Archuletta: Yawn... Imagine, if you will, bear-hair doing a ballad! Yah, that is what I thought. He's a one trick pony that just happens to do that trick well. What I realized, unfortunately, is that ridiculous powerpuff ballad that the last two finalists get to sing in the Finals, will fall right into his one-trick pony strength (which is a d@mn shame.)...

2. Scary Smithson: She looked better than ever! However, she sounded just okay to me. No doubt talented as anyone, but her song choices, lack of confidence and that goofy strained look she gives when belting wont' help her. In trouble again.

3. Slyesha Murkydo: Old "Doll-head" sung "Vanishing". I wish that is what she would have done, rather than sing this song. So far, I am hating the night and can't wait til "He11's Kitchen" comes on. It was another slow and unoriginal copy, like the last two weeks.

4. Bumbling Brooke Whitehead: Her level of annoying chatterbox keeps elevating, and as I was once a big fan, I am no longer. Not only does she gab like a slot machine, but the cracks are showing in her abilities. She was clearly shaking at the end of her song, and I think she has reached her peak. In addition, I highly doubt she can belt any big notes. In trouble...

5. Krispy General Lee Cook: What a pathetic attempt to countrify and westernize a Mariah Freaking Carey song. As soon as I heard that whiny steel guitar, I knew what she was up to! YER not foolin anyone Krispy Kreem! Krappy and sappy.

6. The talented David... Mr. Cook that is... Welcome back - After his off-week last week, he is back to being brilliant. He makes songs I hate sound listenable. Thank you mister Cook, you beer-bellied belter!

7. The Stoner, Jason Castrol: I am still a fan and although the judges liked, I didn't like it. He is very cool and talented, but like Brook, he cannot belt out any big notes. I am still rooting him on though!!! Go STONER!!!

My first thought after last night's show was, "where the f*** was Mikey Johns???" Thanks a lot America, you dolts! Instead we have the Bumbler, the Doll-Hair and the Krappy Cook.

Fortunately, those three will be YOUR bottom three this week and rightfully so. In fact, they should just have a bottom 6 and call David Cook safe because I really didn't like any of the other six performances. Ooohh, I am such a funhater, aint I?

Rankings for Mariah Scary Night:

1. D C (Da Cook)
2. Stoner Castro
3. Bear Hair
4. Scary Smithson
5. Sloesha
6. Krappy Lee
7. Babbling Brooke

I could care less which of the bottom 3, or even bottom 5 go home after last night. It will most likely be.... BROOKE!!! (they might have to add 30 minutes to the show for the bawling and bumbling about that will take place during her "goodbyes."


OUT

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Inspirational Flip-Flops

Last night's Idol show was kinda weird for me. The theme was "songs that inspire", which could really open up a lot of interesting choices. Some made good choices and some made "unique" choices. The thing that really freaked me out the most, was the singers did a little "flip-flop" as to how they did in their performances, as compared to the last few weeks.

For example, Castro and Krispy Lee were at the top of their games and Dave Cook and Carly had off-nights. You know who else had off-night? Randy Jack*ss and Simon Scowl. Someone must have p*ssed in Mandy's wheaties because he was just a tool last night. And Simon just didn't have a lot to say at all. And then there is sweet little Paula... Not rambling as much lately, probably because Brooke handles that phase of the show now. However, Paula has been pretty accurate as of late, and her nonsensical rantings have subsided considerably.

One other note I must make before the ratings... For those that have been following Idol the last few years, you probably remember Elliot Yamin. Although, I gave him a hard time about his past dental "challenges", he is a good soul and a fantastic singer. You also probably remember his mother, who showed endless support and encouragement for her son throughout the whole season. Claudette Yamin has been battling illness for quite some time. She showed unbelievable passion, support and even a little fire in her belly as she supported Elliot. She was a wonderful person and would make any son proud. Claudette's health finally got the best of her and she passed away a couple weeks ago. She was a great inspiration and her and Elliot's bond really made that season special.

Now on to the AWE or UN inspiring performances from last night...

1. Michael St. Johns Wort: The Outback kid did Aerosmith's Dream On. I thought it rocked up until the end, when he tried too hard to screech the high parts. Sandy Jackson was WAY too hard on him here. It was pretty good and I think a good choice for Mikey. One thing I'd like to see different on Mikey, is for him to stop wearing those preposterous girly scarves! It looks really wussyish and it needs to stop.

2. Syshrieka Murkotto: Again with the nutty hair. She looks fantastic when it's straight, or slightly curled, but the mouse-ka-teer tween look is about as annoying as 8 year-olds at a slumber party. Again, she tackles a song too big for her. It was ok, but no originality.

3. Stoner Castro: Dreadboy is back! Jason was one of my early favorites, so I am hoping this keeps him around. That was a perfect alternative rendition of Over the Rainbow and he hit every note with surgeon-like precision.


4. Kountry Lee Kook: She just bought herself another week and maybe not be in the bottom 3. It was easily her best performance--what the he11 can I say? I want to hurl insults her way, but not much I can do this time--it was good! (Damn her) :)

5. David "Night-off" Cook: Ok, tonight not so good. This was, for me, his worst performance. I know the band Our Lady Peace--it is a love/hate kind of music. I hated this song for him, and it really started off shaky at best, and he unfortunately didn't ever reel me in. Everyone is entitled to an off-night, eh? One other thing---that ridiculous white jacket looked like something you find in an insane asylum, or on Hell's Kitchen.

6. Curly Shuffle Smithson: Carly looked better tonight, but still needs to work on that. They again showed DaVinci's Facebook in the audience scaring all the kids with his fear-inspiring facial "art." As for Carly's performance, it fell short and was disappointing. I agree with some of you that get easily irritated with her facial expressions when she let's loose. It is starting to look more like she's constipated. Stop scrunching your face, you little leprechaun.

7. Bear-Hair Archuleta: I noticed they try to make his hair all matted up on purpose. It looks like bear-hair to me. The song was inspiring to me, as in "yawn-inspiring." Also, did anyone else notice that the piano swallowed him up--I could barely see him! It was like seeing an old granny driving a car and she is looking THROUGH the middle of the steering wheel, trying to see what's in front. Technically, he was good, but certainly not inspiring.

8. Brook S.T.F.U. White: Can someone please train her to shut her yap when done singing? Her mouth and that silly pouty look she has perfected, is going to get her kicked off soon. Honestly, she needs to get her verbal and non-verbal communications skills in order. I guess when you are a nanny, and all you have is interaction with kids, you are going to act like one too. Her song, again, not inspiring and not memorable. She may be in danger here....

Rankings for Perspiration Night:

1. My boy, Dreadlock!
2. Krispy Lee! WTF?
3. Outback Johns
4. Bear Hair Starchuleta
5. Syscreecha
6. Brooke "I'm a Toy Czar Russ kid" White
7. Curly Smithsonian
8. David Cook's not in the kitchen

Again, dare I say that the tables have turned this week. Perhaps the most endangered singers had the most to gain through their inspirational choices? Their songs inspired them to do better than the usual stars. Should make for an interesting bottom 3 tomorrow.

Predictions: Bottom 3: hmmm... I'm going to go with Curly, Brooke and Syscreecha. Krispy gets the comfy couch tomorrow night! I am afraid that Curly may have seen her last week on Idol. No more scrunchy face or terrifying husband!

OUT

Thursday, April 3, 2008

I Beg Your Parton

I was expecting Jane Fonda and Dabney Coleman to make cameo appearances last night on Dolly Night. Perhaps tonight on the "Get your @ss outta here" show.

Dolly Parton, who is about 90 years old was our interim mentor on last night's show. Through the marvels of modern chemistry, time travel, quantum physics, etc, they made her look like she was 30. To her credit, she was very pleasant, kind and was sugary sweet towards the contestants. Dolly is just AIGHT with me ya'll!

However, when it came to the theme of last night, I was a bit confused. Was it country night, or heart-felt song night? What the he11 kind of genre is that? I knew this would not be a flavah I would savah, as both those styles do nuttin' for me. My fears were realized when after the night was over, I was like, "that show sucked." It went from boring to lame to mundane. The singers seemed to do alright for the most part, but the material had all the excitement of liquid paper drying.

So here we go for our Final 9...

1. Shut the F*** up Brooke: About as corny as hash. This reminded me of that sunshine song she did a couple weeks ago with that ghastly yellow zootsuit. And this time we had a ghastly violin player. As Brooke was getting dissed by the judges, she continued to babble back and forth, making me, and I'm sure countless others either uncomfortable or just plain annoyed.

2. Braveheart Cook: Daveheart, if you haven't heard, had to be rushed to a hospital after his song with heart palpitations and high blood pressure (he is fine now). Not only was he the only one remotely close with a "wow" factor last night, but he did while his chest was about ready to explode. Can we just give him the prize now?

3. Lame-iele Mullberry: Another weak-@ssed performance from someone who has really slid since the beginning. I think her confidence has been permanently damaged by this experience. She can sing, but her soft parts last night were barely audible which made the rest of the song suffer.

4. Fidel Castro: Dreadlock Holmes did a pretty good job on "Traveling Through" which is yet another song I never heard of. I am starting to wonder where the he11 they are getting these songs. However, he did a good job as his elixir-like voice wrapped around this tune. He also showed a little more range than usual.

5. Maternity Smithson: Carly needs to stop wearing those trailer-park influenced outfits and start dressing better. That getup was atrocious and Simon was absolutely right to call her out on it. That being said, I thought it was a fantastic rendition of the only Dolly song I can recognize. Oh, and stop showing her husband in the audience---he is so scary, I had to hide under my blanket, until it was safe to come out again.

6. Starchuleta: The aw shucks kid put up a really good vocal performance and it would appear that he has found his niche. It does nothing for me, but it was still good. This just shows how much I am not a fan of this style of music.

7. Kristy is Cooked: This girl has 9 lives. She should have been gone weeks ago, but because she is the lone "country" girl, she will continue to make my ears bleed another week. Nice timing doing country week--it just guarantees she will dis-grace us with her presence longer. And what was up with that gaffy little exchange with Simon at the end?

8. Sloweesha Mercury: Tackled Whitney Houston (who are we kidding--this was a Whitney copy, not Dolly). In any event, I've heard better and I've heard worse. I just wish that I would never have to hear this f***ing song again. It should be banned from the show.

9. Mighty Mike Johns: Best for last? He came pretty close. Another impressive outing for Aussie-boy this week. Let's see if he can continue the ride into next week. Although, I haven't ever heard this song, it was one of maybe three that got my attention.

Overall, I really didn't care for the show last night. Hated the songs and quite frankly, never heard of most of them. Thank goodness for David Cook for at least trying to add his own element .

Ratings for Sappy Country Song night:

1. Cookie Crisp
2. Mikey Johns
3. Carly Goodwill Smithson
4. David Parchuleta
5. Dreadlock
6. Babbling Brooke
7. Slowesha
8. Krispy LEE
9. Lame-ielle

I think the bottom will be Lamielle, Krispy (again), and maybe Castro or Carly in other hot seat.

I'm thinkin we say buh-bye to Lamielle tonight.


OUT

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Time to Slash the High Cost of Living

It’s time to get those shears out and start snipping. The cost of living and levels of inflation that are making us so uptight are making their malevolent presence known.

Let’s not forget the dreaded “R” word which we have heard on TV and seen in the papers…RECESSION. Apparently, we are in the midst of one.

Now here is a new word I just learned… “Stagflation.” According to money market managers at Reuters, “stagflation” is a combination of stagnation and inflation, which translates to periods of rising prices coupled with stalled growth.

As some or most of you know, the housing industry is hurting right now. It’s really hard to sell a house! Some of you struggling to unload your properties may have to throw in a car or two, maybe an SUV and a Harley to entice buyers to fork over their precious dollars. In other words, you will have to INFLATE your house, or it will STAGNATE.

The fact of the matter is, after five years of steady growth, the U.S. economy has slowed dramatically, in part because the collapse of a speculative bubble in housing. In many markets, home prices that had nearly doubled from 2002 to 2005 have subsequently declined by up to 30 percent.

Furthermore, the troubles in the U.S. housing sector spilled over into global markets last August, causing a severe contraction in credit and billions of dollars in bank losses.

I am no Economist and I didn’t stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night, but all that talk makes me very self-conscious about my money. Stagflation? I don’t want any part of that noise!

What can I do in the meantime to ride this stagflated recession out?

· Play Powerball: Someone’s gotta win—why not me?
· Share your Pet’s food: Most of the stuff in dog food is good eats!
· Work Three Jobs: If I work 24x7, I will be less distracted to spend money.
· Monopoly $: Pay my kid’s allowance with Monopoly money—does he really know the difference?
· Hitchhike to work: Use someone else’s gas, give them 1990’s Chuck-E-Cheez tokens as a thank-you gesture.
· Heat ‘N Eat: bring your grill indoors and light it—you can cook and be warm, thus killing two birds with one stone.
· Re-use Water: Leave the bath water in the tub and just add more soap each time!


Now there is good news and a happy ending to all of this. According to the National Bureau of Economic Research, the U.S. economy cycles through regular intervals of expansion and contraction. Typically, after a recession that lasts, on average, between six months to two years, the economy expands for a period of six to ten years.

In the meantime, learn what you can to avoid the evil grip of stagflation. Put the “recess” back into “recession” and have some fun!

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

It Was Pitchy in Parts...

Last night's Idol show had our performers singing songs from the year they were born. Thanks a lot American Idol for making me feel like a f**king old man! In any event, I figured it would be a rehash of 80's week, which was true, except in the case of our resident Outbacker Michael Long Johns. He was born in the 70s, and thank goodness for that. More about that later...

Overall, the show was somewhat disappointing. Only a few decent performances and the rest were ho-hum. I actually had to replay Slowesha Mercado and Chexmix Eze's songs cuz I dozed off. As Simon would say, "Sorry!" and not really mean it. HA!

One of parts of the show I liked was the old pictures and video of these kids when they were little tykes and tykettes. That was pretty cool, for a change. The most annoying part of the show was listening to Randy Jerkson keep saying "pitchy". It is like a freaking broken record--is that the best they can come up with? "It was pitchy in parts", "it was pitchy at first", "it was a little pitchy", "started off a little pitchy", etc, etc. How about you get off your fat @ss and learn some new music terminology? I would normally not be so hard on dear Randy, but he was a forking blowhard last night. He must have ran out of frosting and cheese sauce.

Enough about Dr. Pitchyfit... Let's get to the contestants!

1. Romeo Lullaby: poor little Romeo---she was sick, which is another excuse for another blah performance. She has nine freaking lives! I'm pretty sure she will survive this week, but BARELY. Her rendition of Heart's Alone was flaccid in comparison to Carrie Underwood's or even Carlys... In addition, the shorts she was wearing made her look like Earl Campbell.

2. Jason Wolf-Eyes Castrate: Breadlocks has been one of my faves so far in the competition. However last night dropped him down a notch. Although "Fragile" is a nice Sting song, this made me just sit there with a blank expression. Cmon man--you can do better!! Jason MIGHT be in danger this week. Of course he probably don't care--have you ever seen a more easy-going cat?

3. Sussudio Mercotta: Back to the silly curly mickey mouse hair and back to boring me to mouse-ka-tears. Keep your hair straight, will ya? Her performance was like a shot of sleep-inducing morphine. She will probably stick around though.

4. Jacuzzi Eaze: Another song I never heard of (If only for One Night). I had to inject myself with adrenalin, caffeine, NoDoz, Jolt Cola, Espresso, and Chuck Norris DNA to stay awake during this snorecore. He had two good weeks that were completely undone by this slow, limp and listless performance. On top of that, he snapped back to the judges again. Jacuzzi may be in trouble!

5. Bumbling Brook White: She babbled uncontrollably last week, but this week was a bumble, as in she bumbled the beginning of that song. However, nice recovery and then she actually did a pretty good job on the song. If it wasn't for the bungling bumbling, it would be top 3. Brooke still needs to learn to shaddap after she is done.


6. Michael Olivia Fig Newton Johns: Thank you Mikey for being born in 1978! Not only is it closer to my age, but it also provided you with just the right song to get your sorry australian @ss back in the race! The "Rock You" part was just ok, but the "We are the Champion" section was masterful.

7. Snarly Smithson: First of all, one of my faves from Idols past Jessica Sierra did this song perfectly. Carly did just as well, if not better. I thought Randy Jerkson was unfair and quite picky (pitchy?) in his critique. Yah, ok her hubby is f**king creepy looking, but why punish her? Her horrid blue maternity dress she wore last week got her in bottom 3, so hopefully that trend will change.

8. Davey Farfegnugen: Golden Archie is still popular with the teenyboppers, but has gone down considerably with me. WHY? Because he picks horrible songs. What the f*** was that song he picked last night? It reminded me of some ghastly carnival with animated creatures running around. Ok, those are Simon's words, but they are indeed accurate. I personally felt, as the cheesy disco handclaps slapped my brain senselessly, as though I was watching a fake Disney movie, and Starchuletta's song was the theme. I was expecting Simba, Dopey, and Thomas the Tanked Engine to come out and dance on the stage. This was a circus of silliness.

9. Krusty Lee Kook: Nice patriotic song. It was just nice, nothing else to say. It was probably a smart choice for Krusty, but she is still a pretender.

10. David Daughtry Cook: Absolutely brilliant and executed to perfection. Cookie did "Billie Jean", but obviously not that weirdo Michael Jackson's version. You would have to be naive to think that Cookie is composing these himself. He is merely following the Chris Daughtry school of Song Choice Manipulation. He takes a remake of the original, and does that version. It works great and it fits his style. Some people call it cheating or bending the rules--I call it SMART COOKIE! Easily the best of the night...

Rankings for YEAR you were BORN:

1. Duh, Cookie Crisp
2. Mikey Johns
3. Snarly Smithson
4. Bungled Brooke
5. Susudio Mercardo
6. Davey Scorchaletta
7. Krusty Lee Kook
8. Jason Castrate
9. Romeo Mullberry
10. Chick McGee Eze

I think the bottom 3 will be just how I have them, with Chickadee or Romeo getting the boot. Personally, I think it SHOULD be Krusty, but she will be spared one more week by the redneck horse and gun people, as well as he unabomber's support circle.

OUT

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Blowin the Socks off Simon!

Krispy Lee Cook said she would "blow the socks off" Simon. After she said it, she and Ryan SeaKrust giggled about the multiple interpretations that this phrase represents. It was just one of many uncomfortable exchanges the contestants had with Simon last night.

Is it me, or was Simon Scowl in a piss-poor mood? He went beyond his normal arrogant dismissals and really laid the wood on these poor kids. Well, except for Davey Archulettuce. Archie performed to "master-class" levels on his sappy "long and winding road". If you ask me, it was the most boring performance of the night. The song should have been called, "The long-winded and long-winding road to curing insomnia."

Overall, the song choices were interesting and I will go against the judges and say I rather enjoyed most of them and I was entertained (dammit)! Yah, many of the performers didn't do as well as they did last week, but last week was pretty exceptional. How can you top what can't be topped? In any event, here are the breakdowns for the evening...

1. A man da Overdrive: Elvira rocked it out with "Back in the USSR" and even though it was raw and rough in parts, I liked it! Of course, I am biased due to my preference in musical genres. That being said, it was pretty good, but not great. She sassed Simon and told him she didn't care if she played in a bar in some BF town in the middle of nowhere.

2. Krappy Lee Cook: I don't care how good she looks--this was a horrid performance and vocal. I could barely recognize "You've got to Hide your Love Away" after she took her tone-deaf scalpel from he11 and carved this Beatle song into audio gristle. Please Hide and GO away!

3. Davey Arghhhuleta: ARGGGHHH, another maple syrup coated ballad. Yes, it was good and he did redeem himself from last week's catastrophe. The little chicks dig him though--how can anyone compete against that? Teen girls should have their cell phones taken away every Tuesday night.

4. Queensland Shrimp Michael: The Aussie tackled a pretty difficult song with "A Day in the Life." Again, maybe it wasn't freaking awesome, but I was entertained and the arrangement was really unique. I think the judges were too hard on Outback jack this time around. And I am one of his biggest critics! Still, he hasn't connected with the perfect song yet.

5. Babbling Brooke White: The name really fits this week, as she wouldn't shut the f*** up after the song was over. I really like Brooke, but even she got on my nerves this time. First of all, the song was atrocious. Secondly, the yellow dress to me, represented cheese, not the sun. And thirdly, the dancing and hand movements reminded me of some doped out 60's hippee chick running around a field while on a bad acid trip. Hopefully, this is her "off" week.

6. David Lee Cookie: His vocals get better every week and this week was no exception. I normally don't even like the song "Day Tripper", but Cook's version was incredible. UNTIL that godforsaken voicebox came into play. I think it ruined the song for him and it lost the momentum David had built. Again, Simon was being a little pr*ck, but at least Cookie didn't talk back this time.

7. Carl E. Smithson: Did anyone see her husband in the audience? I'd like to see him interview for a job outside of Tattoo Artist, Bartender, Serial Killer. To each their own I guess, but WOW, that man is painted up! In any event, Carly was fantastic yet again on a really hard song (Blackbird). Of course, Oscar the Cowell came out of his garbage can and tossed bird poo her way. Sorry Simon, I agree with you most of the time, but yer just being a DIK now.

8. Hemp-head Castro: (hey I gotta come up with something new, eh?) Hempy did a really weird song, one that I never heard of. Usually, I frown upon that, but this cat continues to pique my interest. His goofy grin and silly interviews probably get him votes, but I also think he's pretty effing talented. That being said, this song (Michelle My Belle) was just AIGHT with me DOG.

9. Sushi Mercury: Sushi looked fantastic last night and I stopped disliking her for a moment. She also did a very emotional version of "Yesterday" and she really sold me on it. I'm not a huge fan, but I thought it was a very touching performance. Now please leave your hair alone and quit putting it in that Mickey Mouse 'fro!

10. Chicks Squeeze-me Eze: It would be hard to top what he did last week (which was fantastic), but I'll be darned--he pert near pulled it off! I really hated the beginning of this song (I've Just Seen a Face), and if he would have continued singing it ballad-style, I would have punched Chikadee in the pouch for murdering a fun song. To my delight, he kicked it into high gear and blew it out! Again, the song would have been much better without the weird harmonica thing.

11. Romeo Makoshark: I almost forgot about her... After Chicky sung, I was like, "hey, who the he11 is left???" That is how forgettable Ramielle has become. She is such a sweety, but song choices have been her undoing. Her choice of songs this week is very fitting... "I Should have Known Better." The answer is YES. Nice performance, but again, I can't really remember much.

So, I really liked the show and I thought everyone did a pretty good job (except Krappy Lee) but nothing was THAT exceptional.

Rankings for Beatles Night II:

David Cookie Jarvis
David Arghhuleta
Carl E. Smithson
Chik Squeeze Me
Sushi Mercado
Hemp-boy Castro
Mikey Long Johns
Babbling Brook OCheese
Amanda Overdrive
Rameel Malokar
Krappy Lee Cook

There were 10 decent performances last night and ONE crummy one. That makes a pretty good Top 10 for the tour. The bottom 3 will be....

Krappy Lee Cook, Amanda Overdrive, Rameel Malokar with FINALLY Krappy going home (she can blow Simon's socks later)!

OUT

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

2 Many Cooks in the Kitchen

It's the freakin Top 12, and we are exposed to the new stage design by that little fart-sniffer Brine Seacrust. Of course we had to endure his bombastic yet montonous declaration that "THIS.......is American Idol!' again. He then proceeded to get under Simon Scowl's botoxed skin. Not sure what their deal was last night, but what a couple of nancys.

The other big announcement was that this was Lennon and McCartney songbook night. The money must have been right this time. I must say that this brought some much needed fresh air to the program and meant that we didn't have to endure another Arethra, Gladys, Celine or Whitney debacle. Thank YOU Idol Producers! I also noticed that the performers gave back their baseball pants to the Dodgers, and were actually dressed pretty appropriately.

THIS.... is your Top 12...

1. Sushi Marketo: Suisha looked better than ever, but she sounded pretty average on "Got to get you back into my life." It was serviceable and better than last week, but dull.

2. Jacuzzi Eazy: All I can say about McChicky is that this was pretty d@mn entertaining. I was impressed by the range of performance and the arrangement was unique. Is he finally getting it?

3. Schlemiel Mallubay: He stock has dropped like Enron. She ruled the Top 24, but now that it has been cut in half, so has her talent. She has a pretty voice, but it got stuck in the dregs of mediocrity. This performance of "in my life" had as much excitement as a plastic milk jug.

4. Drednaught Castrol: Jason is becoming one of my favorites. Normally this kind of song would put me to sleep, but he infused such an eclectic sound and vibe to what he does, it's infectious.

5. Carly Smithandwesson: Irish Cream of the Crop, folks! Absolutely brilliant. Her rendition of "come together" could be on the frickin' radio today. She reminded me of Kelly Clarkson, which was later validated by Simon, as he said likewise.

6. David Soulpatch Cook: At first, I didn't like how this "Elenor Rigby" started out. It seemed that the lyrics and music were going at different speeds. Then Cookie started kickin' @ss and takin' names and ended the song like he had a pair! NICE!

7. Babylon Brooke White: Another one of my favorites--like Castro, she feels the music and her performances are personal. Another absolutely sublime performance by our nutty nanny.

8. Strippy boy Hernanditz: What a farking fiasco. Dippendale dopey pranced around the stage like burlesque queen. His silly little runs and over-singing on "I saw her standing there" was downright grotesque.

9. Amana Colony Overmyer: She didn't look as good as last week, but almost sounded as good. I think she picked a good song (albeit one I never heard before), and it seemed to suit her grungy, dirty, rocknroll nasty chick persona.

10. Mikey Outback Long Johns: Pretty ho-hum, but decent rendition of "across the universe", but I'll give him props for not screaming at us on high notes. The song didn't have ANY high notes, of course, but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt.

11. Krispy Creme Cook: "The other Cook" needs to butt out of the kitchen. This twangy nightmare of a Beatles classic makes Yoko Ono sound good. Krispy has proven to be nothing more than a redneck barbie. This was like a ghastly (as Simon would say) hillbilly wedding song.

12. David Plastic Archuletas: Two weeks ago, I called him Golden Boy. Now he is the boy in the plastic bubble. I think he had air bubbles on the brain as he marauded "we can work this out." Clearly, he CANNOT work this out, other than forgetting the lyrics, bungling, mumbling and stammering like a spoiled obese child wanting his buttercakes. It sounded like he had marshmallow pies stuck in his jowls as he flubbered about like a sleestack on qualudes.

Ok, so pretty good night, eh? Well for the most part, it was just aight. The last two performers were the worst of the evening, and it's not even close. Kudos to Idol for doing something different with the genres. Kudos to about four of the singers who made great impressions and Kudos granola snacks to the rest of the yahoos.

Rankings for Beatles Night:

1. Curly Smithson
2. Babbly Brooke
3. Dreadlock
4. The Cook that rocks
5. Mike Alice Springs Chicken Johns
6. Jacuzzi Floozy
7. Amana Radarange Overmyer
8. Sushi Mercado
9. Ramada Inn Mulaba
10. Chippendip Hernandouche
TIE:
12a. Krispy Kreme Cook
12b. Styrofoam Archuletas

Who's going home??? Well it won't be mushmouth Archuleta, so I would have to say the Cook is leaving the building. Or the Stripper... or Sushi Mercado? What do you think???

OUT

Friday, March 7, 2008

Sellin' Your Soul--That's a wrap!



By now, most of you have heard of the show, "Moment of Truth." If you haven't, it is a Reality TV game show in which contestants come on and answer extremely personal questions in front of millions, including their close family and friends. Prior to actually being taped for the show, the contestants were given lie detector tests about their personal lives. So when the questions get asked during the show, their answers and results from that lie detector test had already been recorded. In any event, they have to answer these questions in order to win money. The more money on the line, the harder the questions get.

On a recent broadcast of this voyeuristic show, a married woman was the contestant. Her husband, mom, dad and sister were there to offer support and interaction (intentional, of course, as they are referred to often in the questions). The show must really own some great shovels, as they dig up unfathomable amounts of dirt on these people.

So, back to the trainwreck, I mean show... The 26 year old housewife then proceeds to start answering "yes" or "no" to the questions. The first one was, "have you ever stolen money from a job?" "Uhhh yes", she quipped. And then she started clapping, and her parents and husband clapped, and the crowd roared their approval that the girl was a thief. HUH? Oh, they're only clapping 'cuz she got it right! Yes, that makes it okay then. Carry on!

The show then decided it was time to break up her parents. They asked her, "Do you have any secrets about your dad that your mom doesn't know about?" The parents then looked at each other like they had six eyeballs and snakes for hair. Of course the crowd erupted in applause, because her jackpot was on the rise.

At any given moment, the contestant can opt out and pocket the money, but our bubbly housewife wanted to keep playing. Her husband and family continued to egg her on to keep going as well, not cognizant of the damage that this game was inflicting upon them.

The next batch of questions had to do with her marriage... Oooooh you should have taken the money and ran! She then proceeded to answer YES to the following questions... 1. Are you mad at your husband? 2. Are you married to the wrong man? 3. Have you ever cheated on your husband while married? YES, YES, YES. I was instantly reminded of the good old Jerry Springer days when dirty laundry was on parade in all its glory.

So now that her marriage was over and her parents won't speak to each other, what else is there? Well there's the money, sweet, sweet money. All she had to do was answer one more question. And this question was an EASY one... "Do you consider yourself a good person?" She mulled it over for a bit, then said, "Yes, I think I am." HAHAHA! The crowd and I both erupted with laughter on that one. What planet does she come from? In any case, the correct answer, the answer that was officially recorded at her initial lie detector test was "NO." She answered YES and therefore got it wrong and lost every dollar she had earned by tearing her family apart.

Now a great many people are blaming the show for what it does. I, however, am not in that camp. These people KNOW what questions are going to be asked, so they know fully what they are getting into. It’s time for people to take some personal responsibility and stop looking for the easy way out. Are a few dollars and 15 minutes in the spotlight worth destroying relationships? In this woeful case, Karma was coming, and hell came along with it.

Ladies kill 80s

It's the girls' turn to get down to the 80's and expectations were high, especially after having to suffer through a meaningless ISU/Missouri basketball that went into two overtimes---thanks a lot, f****ing Mediacom! Ok, a penny for the swearjar...

In any event, the night was pretty good, nothing really horrendously bad, and a couple or three really good performances. The majority, however, were just merely audio window dressing. Paula "Meth-baby" Abdullah was being whacky again and sputtering nonsense throughout the evening. Honestly, what the he11 is going on with her? She started out the show as a normal person, and once again, she has transitioned into a warbling cousin "it."

Oh by the way, HEY ladies, the Yankees called----they want their baseball pants back. What in the wide world of sports is up with all the baseball pants, cargo shorts, & coaching shorts in this competition? I didn't wear those things in the 80s or any other decade. (thank goodness). I can't wait til Strippyboy Hernandez comes out in cuffs and a Speedo.

Now without further ado the 80's killers:

1. India'h Epperson: Asia did just an ok job on an annoying song. I really hate that song and that kind of music in general. How do I really feel? There is only one more song that could probably irritate me more... (stay tuned)

2. Caddy Annoy: Kaddy tried to tackle a Queen song, and succeeded in getting ran over by a bus. Why is she still here? Time to go back to Ken, Barbie.

3. Amana Bachman Turner Overmyer: Rocket Nurse had the comeback of the week on both the hair AND the performance! As Slymon Scowl said, it was fantastic and she picked the perfect song. I thought she was gone last week, but she will have to pick perfect songs every week to be taken seriously.

4. Snarly Smithson: The Irish tattoo belted out that song from the Chrysler Crossfire commercial. I didn't know that was an 80's song. I think she was trying to out-Dion Celine. She is polished beyond her peers and she seems to pick decent songs. Consistency will be key.

5. Kung Fu Kowgirl Kristy: She did a wise thing and incorporated the country element into this whiny little Journey song. It was better than her usual yawn-inspiring insignificance, but is still feeble and forgettable.

6. Ramada Mallofamerica: Little baseball-pant wearing smurf was great her first week. Oh my how she has fallen. She killed me last night. Why? Go back to the first girl and read the last sentence again. This forking song is done every single season, ad nauseum. When I hear "Take a look at me now", my head starts to swell, I get hives and break out. My temperature rises enough to melt polar icecaps. This song should be retired from the show and from the universe, banished to oblivion, or a black hole.

7. Babbling Brooke: At first I didn't think she had a chance of making it this far. However, she is choosing songs and changing things up brilliantly. This is how you win, folks! It is clear she is doing her homework and paying attention. Brooke is turning into one of my faves. Her unplugged take on Pat Benatar was freshtastic.

8. Sigh Eesha Mercantile: Sigh Eesha likes to grab attention--she has been choosing songs that let her skate by, and then hit a few big notes that people will notice. You can't fool me sister!!!! I believe she is using her acting experience to overdramatize her singing and make it look like she is kickin' @ss. You an fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time. BUT you can't fool Mother Nature.

So for me, the best of the evening was Carly and Brooke, and an awesome comeback from Nurse Ratchet. Space Kadet is OUTTA here, or America is stoopider than I thought.

Ratings for 80's:

Wild Irish Carly
Brooke em Dano
Nurse Jett
Asia Minor
Sigh Eesha
Kung Poo Kristy
Ramada Inn Mullaby
Kaddy Shak Malloy

Kaddywhoompus is going home for sure--see ya!! It will be a toss up for who else gets tossed. I think Ramada is in trouble, but so is Sigh Eesha. Let's see if America f**ks it up again! (reminder to visit swear-jar again)

OUT

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Wake up (before you go-go) McStubbly!



Last night, we were treated with sonic abuse as the boys ripped into the 80's genre with the power of tofu. I was an 80's kid, so I was really looking forward to what the lads would perform. To sum it up succinctly, I wasn't lovin the song choices. There were two notably good performances and the rest of them reached the impressive levels of "blah" or "yadda". In fact, they didn't even deserve the other 2 blahs, or yaddas.

One other thing that I must point out is that Paula Abdullah Oblongata was completely whacked out on Meth last night. Her non-stop bumbling buffoonery set the bar for setting the English language back 8000 years when Cave dwellers went around saying "oomph" and "bwokk" She studdered and stammered and ranted nonsensically after every performance. Am I the only one to notice?

Ok, so let's talk 80's music...

1. Puke Menard: How much longer can Helium-boy last? His girly-man rendition of an already wussy song made me want to hurl. If McStubbly lasts another week, I will pull my eyelid hair out.

2. Golden Archuleta: Although the vocal performance was impressive and near flawless, I must agree with Simon Scowl that his song choices are in danger of getting depressing. Need to lighten up Archie!!!

3. Fanny Norigaya: Fanny-boy, let's just face it, he is from an alternative lifestyle (nothing wrong with that). But I think he flaunts it quite profusely with his nutty hand and body language and the way he vents and whines. His version of Tainted Love was tainted, and I didn't love it. I do think he has good vocals, but his song choices are cheesy.

4. Chippendale Hernandez: David, as recently reported, used to be a stripper (see pic below). I look at him, and think... what kind of paint or stain? In any event, his full frontal onslaught of a song I never heard of was plain jane at best. YAWN....

5. Outback Mike J: Not sure what happened to this guy, but I would not put him as an early favorite anymore. Great song choice, but his high notes, like last week, bordered on yelling and not tuned very well.

6. Dave "short order" Cook: After the little attitude adjustment from last week (don't argue with Simon), Cookie Crisp is back with a vengeance adding some welcome rough edges to Lionel Ritchie. And it worked like a freakin charm. Best of the night, easily. Hands down.

7. Deathlok Castro: The Dred Patrol will be in full force when Jason gets closer to the Finals. As I've said earlier on, this guy is a huge talent (like Blake from last year). He is artistically the best in the competition. If he can keep tossing musical curveballs and do them well, he will go a ways.

8. Chickezie McNugget: After the last two guys went, this performance was as empty as Paula's head. Absolutely boring and irrelevant. Gary Coleman v2 has toned down the attitude, but could if be too late? I have no desire to see or hear any more of his whiny soul atrocities.

As I mentioned earlier, only two singers made a positive impact on me... Cookie and Dred-boy. The rest of the bunch need to bring their game next week because they are all mired in the middle of the pack (except Puke Save Big Money at Menard). He is a goner.

Ratings for this week:

1. Short Order Cook
2. Deathlock Castro
3. Golden Archuleta
4. Outback Mike
5. Chip'nStrip Hernandez
6. Fanny Norigaya
7. McChicken Eze
8. Puke Menard

Predictions: Last week, America got it WAY wrong with the ladies. Vote for the Worst is at it again. However, I don't think anything will save Puke Home Depot this time. The other dude going home SHOULD be McWheezy Eze, but I got a feeler that says America will surprise us again.

OUT