Rock and Roll Over in my Grave

I thought last night was supposed to be Rock and Roll Hall of Fame night? Out of eight songs, there was only ONE true rock and roll song, which was Baba O'Reilly by our esteemed rocker DaCook. Another disappointing and upchuck-inducing night of crappy reggae, motown covers and freaking ballads. Stick to the genre, ya mooks!

At any rate, this was supposed to be Cookie's night to shine, and overall I thought he did a great job. Could he have done better? He11's Bells YES! I would have loved to hear some actual rockers, but I guess I was not that shocked by the other three's choices.

It would have been cool to bring Alice Cooper, Stephen Tyler or Gene Simmons to be the mentor, but alas, it was not to be. Instead, we get Sanjaya, Chicken Little and Space Ace Young. Speaking of ho's, was that Antoiletta Barba in the audience???

At least we didn't have the judges all confused, as the format of the show went back to normal. Last week was a trainwreck that I would soon like to forget.

On to the performances that didn't rock:

1. Cookie Jarvis: Hungry Like the Wolf??? When that song first came out, it was "new wave," not rocknroll. I was stunned when I heard he chose that. However, he changed it up and rocked it out as well as anyone could. I was actually impressed. His second song "Baba O'Reilly" by the Who was spot on and actually fit the genre (in my opinion, of course) better than anything else sung last night. Overall, I am putting him in first for the night.

2. Sloesha Mercenary: She looked fantastic, but after I learned that she was doing "Proud Mary", I think I threw up in my mouth a little. Not only is this song done every freaking season, but it's always the fahrfevnugen Tina Turner version! It's a CCR song for cripes sakes! I hated it, and the song should be banned from the show. Her second song was something I never heard of, (Sam Cook) but it was just AIGHT for me. I appreciate her emotional attachment to it, but again, it is not really a rocker. I am disappointed because I thought she was going to wow us. Hopefully she keeps the straight hair--the doll-head thing is a travesty.

3. Jason Castaway: Dred-boy will be getting a job at the post office, cuz he has MAILED it in. This was by far his worst night, and like Simon, I was pretty irritated. This goofy guy had potential early on, but clearly his mind is not in the game at this point. I think he misses his reefer and hangin out with his other stoner pals. His tortured rendition of "I shot Omar Shariff" was a pile of bovine fecal matter. AND then on his second song "Mr Tambourine Man", he forgot the words (brain cell damage). He recovered, but too little too late. Pack your bags, and your hair, boy--you goin home!

4. The Hobbit: Hey guess what, Archuletta is going with a ballad!! Holy sh*t!!!!!! I am stunned and amazed! Although, solid vocally, as he usually is, the hobbit just bores me to tears. The only thing that keeps me watching, is marveling at why his lips aren't more chapped. What the he11 was he doing with his eyebrows last night?? It reminds me of the muppets on Sesame Street. I think Frank Oz was manipulating Archie's face with wires and hooks. So he sung "Stand by Me" and "Love me Tenderloin", and neither had me jumping for joy. Randy Fatson, again, was stroking the Hobbit excessively this week and needs to be put down.

Randy needs to shut his cakehole--his commentary is about as useful as Paula's liver. Then he made Sloesha cry! Big meanie!

Overall, the Rock and Roll Hall of Shame night was a disappointment, but not a surprise. When Castro is gone, there will be one rocker, one balladeer and one motown r&b singer. At least out of the three of them, Cookie Jarvis is the only one brave enough to mix it up and take risks.

Rankings for Wuss and Roll night:

1. Cookie Jarvis
2. Hobbit
3. Sloesha
4. Postal Boy

I can't even fathom anyone going home tonight that is not named Jason Castro. However, the Hobbit needs to go back to the Shire and learn what rock and roll is. Stay tuned for tonight's Kick Off show, where Frodo and Gandalf are set to perform ballads.


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