Rock and Dull Hall of Fame

Tonight's theme is the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and "all the greats." Gwen Stefani shows up for about two seconds, then disappears into the night. Steven Tyler is wearing the technicolor yawn shirt and RJAX is sportin' the Hefty cinch sack jacket. And of course, the King of Autotune, Will I. Aint is here to offer advice.

Lots of rock influence so far! No, not really. I should have figured that the rockin would be at a miniscule level when the performers all came out in dresses and black ties.

Naturally, the most rocking of the bunch is leading off tonight...

Jacob Lush - Man in the Mirror by Michael Jackson: Sung 600 times before, here we go. Yah that's just rockin baby! Not! It's not Anti-rock night, Jake! Prancing around in his white marshmallow man suit. Just meh... B- F for sticking to the theme.

Hailey Blackhart - Piece of my Heart by Janis Joplin: Thank you for sticking to the genre--this was good, the kind of song Hailey should be doing consistently. Don't look now, but she's making a run. A-

Grizzly Abrams - Have you ever seen the Rain by CCR: Captain F Bomb bringin' the big old bass. Good song choice and performance. Well done, you little bearded freak. A-

Lauren Alabama - Natural Woman by Arethra Franklin: Is that Kelly Clarkson? Not quite rock and roll, but she makes every song she sings better than the originals. Lauren will be around for a while. A-

Dangerous James Durbin - While My Guitar Gently Weeps by George Harrison: Big risk by the only true rocker the show has... Not the usual Dis-durbin performance, but he brought a contemporary edge to it. Still got his high note in at the end and showed his softer side. A-

Scotty McChucky - That's Alright Mama by Elvis: Can Scotty beam us up a rock song? The Denim Phenom was out of his element a bit, but it was entertaining nonetheless. Not great, but it was fun, like a Dr. Demento song or chucking rocks at trains. B

Pia Tobasco - River Deep Mountain High by Tina Turner: Pia gotta get pissed off! She should be pissed at whoever picked out that sloppy jumpsuit she wore. Really? Her @ss was swimming in that cotton trainwreck. Still, a pretty powerful performance and out of her comfort zone. A

Stephanie Joey Tribiani - When a Man Loves a Woman by Percy Sledge: Now that is a rockin' song! No, it wasn't. His high parts were whimpy, the rest of the song was a little over-indulgent. Simon would have ripped this. Sometimes a little Simon goes a long way. B-

Paul McBleachedteeth - Fulsom Prison Blues by Johnny Cash: Good song choice. Paul's feathery light scratchy voice fits this song just right. Nice job. A

It's funny how no matter what the theme is, we keep hearing the same songs and performers going out of their way to "massage" the genre to their own strengths. The best singers are the ones who will stay true to the genre, put their own spin on it, and pick good songs. The actual singing tonight was collectively pretty good on a technical level.

How do we evaluate performance when all the singers are proficient? Well eff it, I'll do it for ya!

Rankings for Rock and Meh Night: Gosh darn it, I don't know who to put up here, so I'm going by originality and the ability to not annoy the crap out of me:

Pia Tobasco

Paul McCloseUp

Turbo Durbin

Grizzy Abrams

Lauren Alabama

Hailey Blackhart

Scotty McCracken

Joey Tribbles and Bits

Jacob Lush

Some will protest my putting Jacob at the bottom, and that is okay. I can't apologize for a song has been overdone by many, and it wasn't even close to rock and roll. It also wasn't that challenging for him. Same for Joey. Just a handful of lameness and "been there, done that."

Bottom Three??? Tough call. I would like to see one trick pony Jacob and ballad-boy Joey there. The third spot may go to Denture-boy Paul again. I want to see Paul stay alive, so hopefully he'll get a comfy seat on the couch.

Next week, we get a one second visit from Fergie and useless advice from Hanna Montana. I'm starting to miss Simon.

OUT