In other news, we lose two people tomorrow night. I hope everyone got on their horns and voted, if this competition has any meaning for you. I didn't. HAHA--just kidding...
So here we go.. nothing new here, but the contestants are doing some sort of modeling nonsense and doing the usual interviews with Jimmy Bovine (sans hood). Auditions sound good so far. First up is:
Scotty McChuckwagon - Country Comfort: Not a whole lot of range tonight, playing it pretty safe. Sang it well, but it bored me to a trail of tears. B-
Naima Addsomepepper - I'm Still Standing: the only thing she has in common with Sir Elton is the matching teeth. This Jamaican jabberwocky had me expecting John Candy to come out with the bobsled team. Fairly average, not much going on here, and kind of weird. C
Paul McDentures - Rocket Man: Has the flower coat and pants on. Paul, you're scarin the customers again... Song was soft and fluffy like a flower-printed bounce sheet. Perhaps bring the skinny jeans again. Nothing special here, folks. C+
Pia Tobasco - Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me: Another ballad... Although Clay Aiken will never be topped on this song, she did a solid job. However, she showed some hot sauce by going against the judge's advise to not do a ballad this week. Pia's response, "Screw You, Chuckleheads!" It was good, but c'mon get out of your freakin comfort zone! B
Steffanograph Joey Tribiani - Tiny Dancer: Bear Hair Boy bandish version, nothing to write home about. This was good karoake at best. Nice kiss-up to the judges at the end. Chandler gives it a C and Ross an A- cuz Ross is a weinie. B-
Lauren Alabama - Candle in the Wind: Another ballad, but she blew it out of the water. No wind could blow out her candle tonight. First song tonight that made me take notice, and apparently Lips's notice as well, but for other "various" reasons. A
Delirious James Durbin - Saturday Night's Allright for Fighting: Great showmanship, loves the crowd and attention. Strong finish, the guy knows how to perform. What else can be said? Yah, the hair thing is somewhat corny, but the show NEEDS James. A
Thia Tequila - Daniel: Pretty sleepy and loungey. Feel like I'm at the most depressing wedding reception ever. It wasn't horrible, it was just safe and had the scent of watered down vanilla pudding pops... C+
Grizzly Abrams - You're Song: We got ourselves a cleaned up Grizzly bear! I bet when he was done performing, he found a nice big mud pit to swim around in. In any event, both the look and the sound were right on, and he should be back with a vengeance. A-
Jacob Lush - Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word: I'm sorry that I had to hear this song. Any resemblance of Elton John was wiped off the planet. No offense to Jacob personally, but I am just not a fan of his style. I was happiest when this song was over. Meh... B-
Hailey Blackhart - Benny and the Jets: I actually liked this. Hailey has some spunk and we finally get to hear something not slower than frozen tar. She still likes puttin on the moves, but the song choice and performance were all in line. I would give her a straight A, but her "sssssss' sounds at the end of Jetssssss was a bit distracting. A-
Once again, not too many bowzer performances, with the exception of Naima's Jamaican mudslide. Where is Sanjaya Malodork and Pen Salesman and Goat Girl? Clearly, the judges did a good job of picking a top 12, but it makes my job of hurling insults much more difficult.
Rankings for Elton Night:
Lauren Alabama
James Durbin
Hailey Blackhart
Grizzly Abrams
Pia Tuscodero
Scotty McChuckwagon
Jacob Lush
Paul McPepsodent
Thia Tequila
Joey Tribiani
Naima Addapaprika
As far as bottom three and voting, well America just proved that they are a bunch of chowderheads with their feeble voting results last week. I am going to guess that Naima and Joey are bottom-dwellers along with Thia. However, I wouldn't be shocked to see Pauly McTrident there either.
So long Naima and Joey!
Stay tuned for next week when we have Olivia Newton John night and Seacrust comes out with pink Xanadu suit.
OUT
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