It Was Pitchy in Parts...

Last night's Idol show had our performers singing songs from the year they were born. Thanks a lot American Idol for making me feel like a f**king old man! In any event, I figured it would be a rehash of 80's week, which was true, except in the case of our resident Outbacker Michael Long Johns. He was born in the 70s, and thank goodness for that. More about that later...

Overall, the show was somewhat disappointing. Only a few decent performances and the rest were ho-hum. I actually had to replay Slowesha Mercado and Chexmix Eze's songs cuz I dozed off. As Simon would say, "Sorry!" and not really mean it. HA!

One of parts of the show I liked was the old pictures and video of these kids when they were little tykes and tykettes. That was pretty cool, for a change. The most annoying part of the show was listening to Randy Jerkson keep saying "pitchy". It is like a freaking broken record--is that the best they can come up with? "It was pitchy in parts", "it was pitchy at first", "it was a little pitchy", "started off a little pitchy", etc, etc. How about you get off your fat @ss and learn some new music terminology? I would normally not be so hard on dear Randy, but he was a forking blowhard last night. He must have ran out of frosting and cheese sauce.

Enough about Dr. Pitchyfit... Let's get to the contestants!

1. Romeo Lullaby: poor little Romeo---she was sick, which is another excuse for another blah performance. She has nine freaking lives! I'm pretty sure she will survive this week, but BARELY. Her rendition of Heart's Alone was flaccid in comparison to Carrie Underwood's or even Carlys... In addition, the shorts she was wearing made her look like Earl Campbell.

2. Jason Wolf-Eyes Castrate: Breadlocks has been one of my faves so far in the competition. However last night dropped him down a notch. Although "Fragile" is a nice Sting song, this made me just sit there with a blank expression. Cmon man--you can do better!! Jason MIGHT be in danger this week. Of course he probably don't care--have you ever seen a more easy-going cat?

3. Sussudio Mercotta: Back to the silly curly mickey mouse hair and back to boring me to mouse-ka-tears. Keep your hair straight, will ya? Her performance was like a shot of sleep-inducing morphine. She will probably stick around though.

4. Jacuzzi Eaze: Another song I never heard of (If only for One Night). I had to inject myself with adrenalin, caffeine, NoDoz, Jolt Cola, Espresso, and Chuck Norris DNA to stay awake during this snorecore. He had two good weeks that were completely undone by this slow, limp and listless performance. On top of that, he snapped back to the judges again. Jacuzzi may be in trouble!

5. Bumbling Brook White: She babbled uncontrollably last week, but this week was a bumble, as in she bumbled the beginning of that song. However, nice recovery and then she actually did a pretty good job on the song. If it wasn't for the bungling bumbling, it would be top 3. Brooke still needs to learn to shaddap after she is done.

6. Michael Olivia Fig Newton Johns: Thank you Mikey for being born in 1978! Not only is it closer to my age, but it also provided you with just the right song to get your sorry australian @ss back in the race! The "Rock You" part was just ok, but the "We are the Champion" section was masterful.

7. Snarly Smithson: First of all, one of my faves from Idols past Jessica Sierra did this song perfectly. Carly did just as well, if not better. I thought Randy Jerkson was unfair and quite picky (pitchy?) in his critique. Yah, ok her hubby is f**king creepy looking, but why punish her? Her horrid blue maternity dress she wore last week got her in bottom 3, so hopefully that trend will change.

8. Davey Farfegnugen: Golden Archie is still popular with the teenyboppers, but has gone down considerably with me. WHY? Because he picks horrible songs. What the f*** was that song he picked last night? It reminded me of some ghastly carnival with animated creatures running around. Ok, those are Simon's words, but they are indeed accurate. I personally felt, as the cheesy disco handclaps slapped my brain senselessly, as though I was watching a fake Disney movie, and Starchuletta's song was the theme. I was expecting Simba, Dopey, and Thomas the Tanked Engine to come out and dance on the stage. This was a circus of silliness.

9. Krusty Lee Kook: Nice patriotic song. It was just nice, nothing else to say. It was probably a smart choice for Krusty, but she is still a pretender.

10. David Daughtry Cook: Absolutely brilliant and executed to perfection. Cookie did "Billie Jean", but obviously not that weirdo Michael Jackson's version. You would have to be naive to think that Cookie is composing these himself. He is merely following the Chris Daughtry school of Song Choice Manipulation. He takes a remake of the original, and does that version. It works great and it fits his style. Some people call it cheating or bending the rules--I call it SMART COOKIE! Easily the best of the night...

Rankings for YEAR you were BORN:

1. Duh, Cookie Crisp
2. Mikey Johns
3. Snarly Smithson
4. Bungled Brooke
5. Susudio Mercardo
6. Davey Scorchaletta
7. Krusty Lee Kook
8. Jason Castrate
9. Romeo Mullberry
10. Chick McGee Eze

I think the bottom 3 will be just how I have them, with Chickadee or Romeo getting the boot. Personally, I think it SHOULD be Krusty, but she will be spared one more week by the redneck horse and gun people, as well as he unabomber's support circle.

OUT

Blowin the Socks off Simon!

Krispy Lee Cook said she would "blow the socks off" Simon. After she said it, she and Ryan SeaKrust giggled about the multiple interpretations that this phrase represents. It was just one of many uncomfortable exchanges the contestants had with Simon last night.

Is it me, or was Simon Scowl in a piss-poor mood? He went beyond his normal arrogant dismissals and really laid the wood on these poor kids. Well, except for Davey Archulettuce. Archie performed to "master-class" levels on his sappy "long and winding road". If you ask me, it was the most boring performance of the night. The song should have been called, "The long-winded and long-winding road to curing insomnia."

Overall, the song choices were interesting and I will go against the judges and say I rather enjoyed most of them and I was entertained (dammit)! Yah, many of the performers didn't do as well as they did last week, but last week was pretty exceptional. How can you top what can't be topped? In any event, here are the breakdowns for the evening...

1. A man da Overdrive: Elvira rocked it out with "Back in the USSR" and even though it was raw and rough in parts, I liked it! Of course, I am biased due to my preference in musical genres. That being said, it was pretty good, but not great. She sassed Simon and told him she didn't care if she played in a bar in some BF town in the middle of nowhere.

2. Krappy Lee Cook: I don't care how good she looks--this was a horrid performance and vocal. I could barely recognize "You've got to Hide your Love Away" after she took her tone-deaf scalpel from he11 and carved this Beatle song into audio gristle. Please Hide and GO away!

3. Davey Arghhhuleta: ARGGGHHH, another maple syrup coated ballad. Yes, it was good and he did redeem himself from last week's catastrophe. The little chicks dig him though--how can anyone compete against that? Teen girls should have their cell phones taken away every Tuesday night.

4. Queensland Shrimp Michael: The Aussie tackled a pretty difficult song with "A Day in the Life." Again, maybe it wasn't freaking awesome, but I was entertained and the arrangement was really unique. I think the judges were too hard on Outback jack this time around. And I am one of his biggest critics! Still, he hasn't connected with the perfect song yet.

5. Babbling Brooke White: The name really fits this week, as she wouldn't shut the f*** up after the song was over. I really like Brooke, but even she got on my nerves this time. First of all, the song was atrocious. Secondly, the yellow dress to me, represented cheese, not the sun. And thirdly, the dancing and hand movements reminded me of some doped out 60's hippee chick running around a field while on a bad acid trip. Hopefully, this is her "off" week.

6. David Lee Cookie: His vocals get better every week and this week was no exception. I normally don't even like the song "Day Tripper", but Cook's version was incredible. UNTIL that godforsaken voicebox came into play. I think it ruined the song for him and it lost the momentum David had built. Again, Simon was being a little pr*ck, but at least Cookie didn't talk back this time.

7. Carl E. Smithson: Did anyone see her husband in the audience? I'd like to see him interview for a job outside of Tattoo Artist, Bartender, Serial Killer. To each their own I guess, but WOW, that man is painted up! In any event, Carly was fantastic yet again on a really hard song (Blackbird). Of course, Oscar the Cowell came out of his garbage can and tossed bird poo her way. Sorry Simon, I agree with you most of the time, but yer just being a DIK now.

8. Hemp-head Castro: (hey I gotta come up with something new, eh?) Hempy did a really weird song, one that I never heard of. Usually, I frown upon that, but this cat continues to pique my interest. His goofy grin and silly interviews probably get him votes, but I also think he's pretty effing talented. That being said, this song (Michelle My Belle) was just AIGHT with me DOG.

9. Sushi Mercury: Sushi looked fantastic last night and I stopped disliking her for a moment. She also did a very emotional version of "Yesterday" and she really sold me on it. I'm not a huge fan, but I thought it was a very touching performance. Now please leave your hair alone and quit putting it in that Mickey Mouse 'fro!

10. Chicks Squeeze-me Eze: It would be hard to top what he did last week (which was fantastic), but I'll be darned--he pert near pulled it off! I really hated the beginning of this song (I've Just Seen a Face), and if he would have continued singing it ballad-style, I would have punched Chikadee in the pouch for murdering a fun song. To my delight, he kicked it into high gear and blew it out! Again, the song would have been much better without the weird harmonica thing.

11. Romeo Makoshark: I almost forgot about her... After Chicky sung, I was like, "hey, who the he11 is left???" That is how forgettable Ramielle has become. She is such a sweety, but song choices have been her undoing. Her choice of songs this week is very fitting... "I Should have Known Better." The answer is YES. Nice performance, but again, I can't really remember much.

So, I really liked the show and I thought everyone did a pretty good job (except Krappy Lee) but nothing was THAT exceptional.

Rankings for Beatles Night II:

David Cookie Jarvis
David Arghhuleta
Carl E. Smithson
Chik Squeeze Me
Sushi Mercado
Hemp-boy Castro
Mikey Long Johns
Babbling Brook OCheese
Amanda Overdrive
Rameel Malokar
Krappy Lee Cook

There were 10 decent performances last night and ONE crummy one. That makes a pretty good Top 10 for the tour. The bottom 3 will be....

Krappy Lee Cook, Amanda Overdrive, Rameel Malokar with FINALLY Krappy going home (she can blow Simon's socks later)!

OUT

2 Many Cooks in the Kitchen

It's the freakin Top 12, and we are exposed to the new stage design by that little fart-sniffer Brine Seacrust. Of course we had to endure his bombastic yet montonous declaration that "THIS.......is American Idol!' again. He then proceeded to get under Simon Scowl's botoxed skin. Not sure what their deal was last night, but what a couple of nancys.

The other big announcement was that this was Lennon and McCartney songbook night. The money must have been right this time. I must say that this brought some much needed fresh air to the program and meant that we didn't have to endure another Arethra, Gladys, Celine or Whitney debacle. Thank YOU Idol Producers! I also noticed that the performers gave back their baseball pants to the Dodgers, and were actually dressed pretty appropriately.

THIS.... is your Top 12...

1. Sushi Marketo: Suisha looked better than ever, but she sounded pretty average on "Got to get you back into my life." It was serviceable and better than last week, but dull.

2. Jacuzzi Eazy: All I can say about McChicky is that this was pretty d@mn entertaining. I was impressed by the range of performance and the arrangement was unique. Is he finally getting it?

3. Schlemiel Mallubay: He stock has dropped like Enron. She ruled the Top 24, but now that it has been cut in half, so has her talent. She has a pretty voice, but it got stuck in the dregs of mediocrity. This performance of "in my life" had as much excitement as a plastic milk jug.

4. Drednaught Castrol: Jason is becoming one of my favorites. Normally this kind of song would put me to sleep, but he infused such an eclectic sound and vibe to what he does, it's infectious.

5. Carly Smithandwesson: Irish Cream of the Crop, folks! Absolutely brilliant. Her rendition of "come together" could be on the frickin' radio today. She reminded me of Kelly Clarkson, which was later validated by Simon, as he said likewise.

6. David Soulpatch Cook: At first, I didn't like how this "Elenor Rigby" started out. It seemed that the lyrics and music were going at different speeds. Then Cookie started kickin' @ss and takin' names and ended the song like he had a pair! NICE!

7. Babylon Brooke White: Another one of my favorites--like Castro, she feels the music and her performances are personal. Another absolutely sublime performance by our nutty nanny.

8. Strippy boy Hernanditz: What a farking fiasco. Dippendale dopey pranced around the stage like burlesque queen. His silly little runs and over-singing on "I saw her standing there" was downright grotesque.

9. Amana Colony Overmyer: She didn't look as good as last week, but almost sounded as good. I think she picked a good song (albeit one I never heard before), and it seemed to suit her grungy, dirty, rocknroll nasty chick persona.

10. Mikey Outback Long Johns: Pretty ho-hum, but decent rendition of "across the universe", but I'll give him props for not screaming at us on high notes. The song didn't have ANY high notes, of course, but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt.

11. Krispy Creme Cook: "The other Cook" needs to butt out of the kitchen. This twangy nightmare of a Beatles classic makes Yoko Ono sound good. Krispy has proven to be nothing more than a redneck barbie. This was like a ghastly (as Simon would say) hillbilly wedding song.

12. David Plastic Archuletas: Two weeks ago, I called him Golden Boy. Now he is the boy in the plastic bubble. I think he had air bubbles on the brain as he marauded "we can work this out." Clearly, he CANNOT work this out, other than forgetting the lyrics, bungling, mumbling and stammering like a spoiled obese child wanting his buttercakes. It sounded like he had marshmallow pies stuck in his jowls as he flubbered about like a sleestack on qualudes.

Ok, so pretty good night, eh? Well for the most part, it was just aight. The last two performers were the worst of the evening, and it's not even close. Kudos to Idol for doing something different with the genres. Kudos to about four of the singers who made great impressions and Kudos granola snacks to the rest of the yahoos.

Rankings for Beatles Night:

1. Curly Smithson
2. Babbly Brooke
3. Dreadlock
4. The Cook that rocks
5. Mike Alice Springs Chicken Johns
6. Jacuzzi Floozy
7. Amana Radarange Overmyer
8. Sushi Mercado
9. Ramada Inn Mulaba
10. Chippendip Hernandouche
TIE:
12a. Krispy Kreme Cook
12b. Styrofoam Archuletas

Who's going home??? Well it won't be mushmouth Archuleta, so I would have to say the Cook is leaving the building. Or the Stripper... or Sushi Mercado? What do you think???

OUT

Sellin' Your Soul--That's a wrap!

By now, most of you have heard of the show, "Moment of Truth." If you haven't, it is a Reality TV game show in which contestants come on and answer extremely personal questions in front of millions, including their close family and friends. Prior to actually being taped for the show, the contestants were given lie detector tests about their personal lives. So when the questions get asked during the show, their answers and results from that lie detector test had already been recorded. In any event, they have to answer these questions in order to win money. The more money on the line, the harder the questions get.

On a recent broadcast of this voyeuristic show, a married woman was the contestant. Her husband, mom, dad and sister were there to offer support and interaction (intentional, of course, as they are referred to often in the questions). The show must really own some great shovels, as they dig up unfathomable amounts of dirt on these people.

So, back to the trainwreck, I mean show... The 26 year old housewife then proceeds to start answering "yes" or "no" to the questions. The first one was, "have you ever stolen money from a job?" "Uhhh yes", she quipped. And then she started clapping, and her parents and husband clapped, and the crowd roared their approval that the girl was a thief. HUH? Oh, they're only clapping 'cuz she got it right! Yes, that makes it okay then. Carry on!

The show then decided it was time to break up her parents. They asked her, "Do you have any secrets about your dad that your mom doesn't know about?" The parents then looked at each other like they had six eyeballs and snakes for hair. Of course the crowd erupted in applause, because her jackpot was on the rise.

At any given moment, the contestant can opt out and pocket the money, but our bubbly housewife wanted to keep playing. Her husband and family continued to egg her on to keep going as well, not cognizant of the damage that this game was inflicting upon them.

The next batch of questions had to do with her marriage... Oooooh you should have taken the money and ran! She then proceeded to answer YES to the following questions... 1. Are you mad at your husband? 2. Are you married to the wrong man? 3. Have you ever cheated on your husband while married? YES, YES, YES. I was instantly reminded of the good old Jerry Springer days when dirty laundry was on parade in all its glory.

So now that her marriage was over and her parents won't speak to each other, what else is there? Well there's the money, sweet, sweet money. All she had to do was answer one more question. And this question was an EASY one... "Do you consider yourself a good person?" She mulled it over for a bit, then said, "Yes, I think I am." HAHAHA! The crowd and I both erupted with laughter on that one. What planet does she come from? In any case, the correct answer, the answer that was officially recorded at her initial lie detector test was "NO." She answered YES and therefore got it wrong and lost every dollar she had earned by tearing her family apart.

Now a great many people are blaming the show for what it does. I, however, am not in that camp. These people KNOW what questions are going to be asked, so they know fully what they are getting into. It’s time for people to take some personal responsibility and stop looking for the easy way out. Are a few dollars and 15 minutes in the spotlight worth destroying relationships? In this woeful case, Karma was coming, and hell came along with it.

Ladies kill 80s

It's the girls' turn to get down to the 80's and expectations were high, especially after having to suffer through a meaningless ISU/Missouri basketball that went into two overtimes---thanks a lot, f****ing Mediacom! Ok, a penny for the swearjar...

In any event, the night was pretty good, nothing really horrendously bad, and a couple or three really good performances. The majority, however, were just merely audio window dressing. Paula "Meth-baby" Abdullah was being whacky again and sputtering nonsense throughout the evening. Honestly, what the he11 is going on with her? She started out the show as a normal person, and once again, she has transitioned into a warbling cousin "it."

Oh by the way, HEY ladies, the Yankees called----they want their baseball pants back. What in the wide world of sports is up with all the baseball pants, cargo shorts, & coaching shorts in this competition? I didn't wear those things in the 80s or any other decade. (thank goodness). I can't wait til Strippyboy Hernandez comes out in cuffs and a Speedo.

Now without further ado the 80's killers:

1. India'h Epperson: Asia did just an ok job on an annoying song. I really hate that song and that kind of music in general. How do I really feel? There is only one more song that could probably irritate me more... (stay tuned)

2. Caddy Annoy: Kaddy tried to tackle a Queen song, and succeeded in getting ran over by a bus. Why is she still here? Time to go back to Ken, Barbie.

3. Amana Bachman Turner Overmyer: Rocket Nurse had the comeback of the week on both the hair AND the performance! As Slymon Scowl said, it was fantastic and she picked the perfect song. I thought she was gone last week, but she will have to pick perfect songs every week to be taken seriously.

4. Snarly Smithson: The Irish tattoo belted out that song from the Chrysler Crossfire commercial. I didn't know that was an 80's song. I think she was trying to out-Dion Celine. She is polished beyond her peers and she seems to pick decent songs. Consistency will be key.

5. Kung Fu Kowgirl Kristy: She did a wise thing and incorporated the country element into this whiny little Journey song. It was better than her usual yawn-inspiring insignificance, but is still feeble and forgettable.

6. Ramada Mallofamerica: Little baseball-pant wearing smurf was great her first week. Oh my how she has fallen. She killed me last night. Why? Go back to the first girl and read the last sentence again. This forking song is done every single season, ad nauseum. When I hear "Take a look at me now", my head starts to swell, I get hives and break out. My temperature rises enough to melt polar icecaps. This song should be retired from the show and from the universe, banished to oblivion, or a black hole.

7. Babbling Brooke: At first I didn't think she had a chance of making it this far. However, she is choosing songs and changing things up brilliantly. This is how you win, folks! It is clear she is doing her homework and paying attention. Brooke is turning into one of my faves. Her unplugged take on Pat Benatar was freshtastic.

8. Sigh Eesha Mercantile: Sigh Eesha likes to grab attention--she has been choosing songs that let her skate by, and then hit a few big notes that people will notice. You can't fool me sister!!!! I believe she is using her acting experience to overdramatize her singing and make it look like she is kickin' @ss. You an fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time. BUT you can't fool Mother Nature.

So for me, the best of the evening was Carly and Brooke, and an awesome comeback from Nurse Ratchet. Space Kadet is OUTTA here, or America is stoopider than I thought.

Ratings for 80's:

Wild Irish Carly
Brooke em Dano
Nurse Jett
Asia Minor
Sigh Eesha
Kung Poo Kristy
Ramada Inn Mullaby
Kaddy Shak Malloy

Kaddywhoompus is going home for sure--see ya!! It will be a toss up for who else gets tossed. I think Ramada is in trouble, but so is Sigh Eesha. Let's see if America f**ks it up again! (reminder to visit swear-jar again)

OUT

Wake up (before you go-go) McStubbly!

Last night, we were treated with sonic abuse as the boys ripped into the 80's genre with the power of tofu. I was an 80's kid, so I was really looking forward to what the lads would perform. To sum it up succinctly, I wasn't lovin the song choices. There were two notably good performances and the rest of them reached the impressive levels of "blah" or "yadda". In fact, they didn't even deserve the other 2 blahs, or yaddas.

One other thing that I must point out is that Paula Abdullah Oblongata was completely whacked out on Meth last night. Her non-stop bumbling buffoonery set the bar for setting the English language back 8000 years when Cave dwellers went around saying "oomph" and "bwokk" She studdered and stammered and ranted nonsensically after every performance. Am I the only one to notice?

Ok, so let's talk 80's music...

1. Puke Menard: How much longer can Helium-boy last? His girly-man rendition of an already wussy song made me want to hurl. If McStubbly lasts another week, I will pull my eyelid hair out.

2. Golden Archuleta: Although the vocal performance was impressive and near flawless, I must agree with Simon Scowl that his song choices are in danger of getting depressing. Need to lighten up Archie!!!

3. Fanny Norigaya: Fanny-boy, let's just face it, he is from an alternative lifestyle (nothing wrong with that). But I think he flaunts it quite profusely with his nutty hand and body language and the way he vents and whines. His version of Tainted Love was tainted, and I didn't love it. I do think he has good vocals, but his song choices are cheesy.

4. Chippendale Hernandez: David, as recently reported, used to be a stripper (see pic below). I look at him, and think... what kind of paint or stain? In any event, his full frontal onslaught of a song I never heard of was plain jane at best. YAWN....

5. Outback Mike J: Not sure what happened to this guy, but I would not put him as an early favorite anymore. Great song choice, but his high notes, like last week, bordered on yelling and not tuned very well.

6. Dave "short order" Cook: After the little attitude adjustment from last week (don't argue with Simon), Cookie Crisp is back with a vengeance adding some welcome rough edges to Lionel Ritchie. And it worked like a freakin charm. Best of the night, easily. Hands down.

7. Deathlok Castro: The Dred Patrol will be in full force when Jason gets closer to the Finals. As I've said earlier on, this guy is a huge talent (like Blake from last year). He is artistically the best in the competition. If he can keep tossing musical curveballs and do them well, he will go a ways.

8. Chickezie McNugget: After the last two guys went, this performance was as empty as Paula's head. Absolutely boring and irrelevant. Gary Coleman v2 has toned down the attitude, but could if be too late? I have no desire to see or hear any more of his whiny soul atrocities.

As I mentioned earlier, only two singers made a positive impact on me... Cookie and Dred-boy. The rest of the bunch need to bring their game next week because they are all mired in the middle of the pack (except Puke Save Big Money at Menard). He is a goner.

Ratings for this week:

1. Short Order Cook
2. Deathlock Castro
3. Golden Archuleta
4. Outback Mike
5. Chip'nStrip Hernandez
6. Fanny Norigaya
7. McChicken Eze
8. Puke Menard

Predictions: Last week, America got it WAY wrong with the ladies. Vote for the Worst is at it again. However, I don't think anything will save Puke Home Depot this time. The other dude going home SHOULD be McWheezy Eze, but I got a feeler that says America will surprise us again.

OUT