Grand Old Harpy

Welcome to another rendition of Rednecks on parade. Two full hours of cooked up country conundrums. Personally, I’d rather listen to Dental tools grind into my teeth. No offense country fans! Just my opinion, and you know what those are like.

Let’s start things off with those ridiculous introductions of Seacrust and the judges. Who cares? We know who they are—why do they have to resort to doing what the inferior “America’s Got Talent” does? I see Simon Scowl has his trademark v-neck t-shirt from Walgreens again. Very classy.

Randy Travis is our mentor this week. Randy has great teeth and cool hair. And he doesn’t wear a string tie, so he’s got that going for him. But enough about this stringbean….on to the singers!

Michal Sarvin’ Artist: When a dude is drowned out by some doofus with a harmonica, it’s time to call it day. This Garth Brooks song (done by former Idol contestants much better) was both monotone and redundant. His voice had the sonic equivalent of a flatline. I think Sarvin artist AND the harmonica guy should leave now. Not safe.

Alice Inchains: I really liked this and she brought her rock and roll sensibilities to the table. For a 16 yr old, she is phenomenal. This Patti Lovelace song was one of the best of the night and ready for the radio (rock, not country!). I hope she is safe—she should be, but who knows…

Ruth Kris Allen: First of all, I hate ballads (as you know), and secondly I hate country, so it was like removing fingernails with pliers to listen to this song. I will give Kris credit though… he was technically brilliant. There, I said it. I feel better now. Easily safe this week.

Little Debbie Fudge Rounds: New look this week---are they trying to make Fantasia II? Gawd I hope not. Clearly, she held back at the beginning of this song, but then belted it out towards the end—the judges called it just right. Except Paula. She is beyond broken. Her incomprehensible gobbledygook is causing my brain to hemorrhage.

Atom Bomb Glambert: WTF??? That is all I could say about this mideastern/psychedelic version of Ring of Fire. However, I say WTF in a GOOD way. I had to rewind this and listen to it again, and after the 2nd time, I loved it. In my opinion, this was the most unique and polarizing performance in Idol history. Randy said it best—it’s fresh, it’s current, it’s young. Unfortunately, the other half of the audience is scratching their heads in confusion. Nine Inch Nails is SAFE!

Scotch McFlattire: Citizen Cane (LOL, I cannot take credit for the name—thanks LMB!) used to be an encouraging beacon of light. Now, his is just a Bruce Boresby clone. AGAIN. There was no difference in either the singing or piano playing from last week to this week. This performance was as bland as a uncooked tofu. Officially, I am bored out of my mind. Time to go I hope, but I wish him well.

A Lexus Chasey Lane: Little miss pornst@r toned down the dirt, but that dingbat Kara DiStupido told her to get filthy again, so we can expect Lexus’ inner wh0re to show up next week (if she makes it). Her husband and child will not recognize her when she comes back home, IF she ever does go back. Enough about this tragedy, now the music… It was pretty good, except her high parts were not in tune, or as the Dawg likes to say, “pitchy.” She is not as safe as she used to be.

Daniel Goat-ski: Nice winter coat in LA there Dani--what the he11 was he thinking? It looked like a quilted straitjacket for escaped Eskimos. Song-wise, it was a weird choice, but he pulled it off. It started a little slow, but he built it up and finished strong. I still can’t get over that ridiculous white coat. Safe, of course (he is the anointed one, afterall) Once again (and again) Paula’s comments border on mental leprosy. She has yet to put together a coherent sentence this season. Worse than last week.

Assnoop DDDawg: Mr. Unibrow put himself back into the competition by singing a slow, country ballad. Yawn…. Like Ruth Kris, it was technically sound and he did a good job. Just not my thing. Eventually, these balladeers will cancel each other out, thankfully. Apoop is safe at last!

Megawatt KillJoy: Cough, cough… way to milk the flu storyline at the end there Megs. I kid of course—I’m sure she really was coughing. Although, this was better than last week’s debacle, it was still a mess. There were times I heard goats baaaaahing during that song. I think she may be in trouble this week.

Flat Giraud: Not sure what all the fuss was from the judges, but it would appear that he is the Annointed #2. Another bland, forgetful piano-based song, and it even sounded like he forgot some words at the beginning. Good finish on the song though, and yet, I don’t care. Girfraud and Citizen Cane will eventually cancel each other out, thankfully. He’s safe, but Scotty is McNotty.

Ratings for Redneck Week:

1. Alice Inchains
2. Atom Bomb Glambert
3. Ruth Kris Allen
4. Dani Goat-ski (jacket)
5. Apoop Dawg
6. Little Circles
7. Flat Giraud
8. AleXXXis Grace
9. Megawatt Killjoy
10. Michael Sarvin Artist
11. Citizen Cane

Who is going home? I think that either Sarver and Scotty should go, but don’t count out Megan and AleXXXis to get the boot either! Some people will barbecue my @ss in molasses for my placing Glambert so high, but he gets an A+ for unique and an A+ for creativity. I will, however, give him a D on his fingernail polish.


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