Hoe-down in Motown

Welcome to Idol Motown version #8. As much as I respect the Motown tradition, I grow tired and weak by constantly hearing the same songs every season and once again, I had to hear the forking song “Heatwave” for the 9000th time. If Idol has another “Latin Night” featuring Gloria Estefan, I am going to saw off my head and mail it to the producers. How many of you are willing to bet that “Turn the Beat Around” will not be sung this season?

In any event, they stretched an hour long show into 2 hours again last night. Why? You might ask… Well the first thing that pops into my head is because that strung-out dingbat Paula AbDUH won’t shut her piehole after each performance. She has to ramble endlessly with her horrid grammar and jagged sentence fragments that have no beginning or end. It is like being stuck in Satan’s Speech Class 666: She is an idiot, gets dumber every season, and her remarks have no critical merit.

The other thing I am going to rant about is why the f*ck was Allison in the bottom 3 last week??? Are people that dumb, deaf, moronic? In my opinion, (and go back to see my past emails), she has been at the top of this dubious food chain of talent (along with Adam) for the whole season. She was bottom 3? Are you forking kidding me? She did worse than Megan the glass-gargling Joy Caw-Cawkery? I think NOT.

Enough on the rant—here are my thoughts about last night’s performances:

1. Matty Geritol: Let’s Get it On. Piano Man #1 was actually in his element. If he didn’t perform well on this night, he aint ever gonna get it done. He put himself back in the competition, but will have his work cut out for him. Grade: B+ and safe

2. Ruth Kris Allen: How Sweet it is. Has evolved into a contender and didn’t do anything to hurt his chances, EXCEPT wearing that bizarre nazi-looking military shirt with all the weird numbers on the shoulders. Did he get that shirt at The House of Hitler? I kid, the little punk did well. Grade: B+ and safe

3. Spot McInDingus: You Can’t Hurry Love. Piano Man #2 was just that…. A big #2. This song was pure feces to the ears. It was nothing less than Karoake at an all you can eat truck stop. I’ll give him props for the pink pants though… Grade: D- and NOT safe

4. Meg Joy Cork Ring: For Once in My Life. Her voice is like a thousand creaky doors, splitting my ears into shards of tortured flesh and cartilage. Her dance moves and choreography remind me of monkeys and footballs. She quite frankly has no business being here anymore. Grade: D and NOT safe

5. Ally Noop Poop Galoop: Ooh Baby Baby. It’s embarrassing enough to type that, but to sing it? This song was beyond sappy and ridiculous. It reminded me of a horrible skating party, and trying to escape to the locker room so you don’t have to slow-skate with some girl you hate. He sung it ok, but who the hell wants to listen to this sludge? Grade: B-, Probably safe

6. Oilcan Sarver Hawkeye Arena: Aint too Proud to Beg. And I would like to beg the country to not vote for him, because this was sonic vomit. I was immediately put off by the silly smiling and posturing for the camera when they told him the song was serious. Time to leave, Shrek! In addition, this was another song that is done multiple times every season—good riddance. Grade: D- and NOT safe

7. Little Rectangles: Heatwave. Ugh… This was just god awful, especially for her. She should have been kicking everyone’s @ss tonight, and she comes up with this dreck? Bad song, bad performance and I’m starting to think she’s overrated. Sloesha Mercado from last year would have mopped the floor with Little Squares. It was too hurried and she was screaming for most of it. Grade D+, but safe

8. Adam STUDbert: Tracks of My Tears… to all you Adam-haters out there---TAKE IT, TAKE IT!!! I think he cemented himself as the #1 guy to beat with this finely crafted and artful rendition of Smokey Robinson. Enough to get Smokey to give him a standing O. Love him or hate him, to deny that this was his night is just foolish. Grade: A, and safe by a mile. BTW, the new look will get him more votes, guaranteed.

9. Danni Goatski: Get Ready. Yes, for disappointment. Danny is the spawn of Taylor Hicks and Sally Jesse Raphael. He’s got Taylor’s voice and Sally’s 4000 pairs of Cyclops glasses. Another early favorite (like Lil) who is sputtering with over-used and tired songs. Another subpar performance next week, and he will be the 4th best male left. Grade: C-, and safe (and an F for his dorky dancing)

10. Allison Ireallyhateya: Papa Was a Rolling Stone. Farking brilliant and further solidified my position that she is the singer to beat on this show. In an effort to battle collective stupidity, I picked up the phone and voted 10 times. She deserves it. This song HAS been done on the show before, but never like this. She kicked total a$$ and served notice that she will take you down and stomp the living sh*t out of you. Grade: A+ and she BETTER be safe.

IN sum, my two rockers put themselves at the top by bringing originality and oomph to their performances. The 2 early faves (Goatski and Rounds) were extremely disappointing, while Matt brought his game up. Kris is solid and Apoop is boring. The bottom 3 were clear as day and should be:

Citizen Cane and Unable, AKA Scott and Sarver. And of course that caw-caw kook, Megan “glass-gargler” Joy.

Ratings:

Allison Asskicker
Adam Lambert and ernie
Matt Garage opener
Kris Allen wrench
Danni Goatskin
Apoop Dezi
Little Circles
Megan Corky
Oilcan Saver
Citizen Cane

The bottom 3 should be what I have and any one of those 3 leaving would be fine by me. Preferably one of the guys so we can continue to laugh at Megan’s dancing with the Bizarres.


OUT