It’s hard to believe that this is what the American Idol people could put together for a Top 36. I’ve seen firewood with more personality than last night’s show had to offer.
We are in danger of putting through 9 guys and only 3 girls to the top 12. How can this happen? It’s not that there’s some conspiracy against the female singers—it’s just that they are for the most part, crappy. And the guys were not that much better, especially last night’s group of mannequins. Hello, did Seacrotch put starch in their milkshakes? The song choices were atrocious and the show had no flow. With the exception of Lil Squares, you could replace the other 11 with a team of oompa loompas and get similar results.
Here ya go…
1. Von Helsing Smith: I hated this guy early on with his high pitched squelching and pompous vocal stylings. However, he took the judge’s advice and applied it. I thought it wasn’t half bad. However, it did remind me of Wham era George Michael—ugh! I don’t think he gets in tonight.
2. Trailer Varfegnugan: Hated the leather “paint-on” pants and the song did nothing for me. I don’t like this kind of music, and even less when the performance is duller than sawdust. See ya…
3. Alex Winger Tugboat III: First of all, he looks like a freakin squirrel. Not sure he really deserved to be here actually. His performance confirmed my suspicions that this @ssclown is not Idol material. I’d rather be stampeded by rabid antelope than have to listen to him sing again. His Jonny Horton growling was the equivalent to sonic cyanide. Worst performance of the season by far. Stunjaya is smiling somewhere.
4. Airy Anna Jafar: Blah, blah, blah. What a horrible song choice, picking ABBA—why??? What the he11 possesses these “kids” to pick songs that are going to kick them right in the groin and get them on the first train out of town. She should have sung “Take a Chance on Me”, then maybe the voters would have. Gone, baby gone.
5. Juno Alaska: I actually kind of liked this performance. Very memorable and relevant song, and he did it his way, and sung it well. Maybe a little safe, but a lot better than the first four yahoos. He has a shot to go through.
6. Krispin McNightmare: Remember her from getting verbally b*tchslapped in Hollywood? Yah, me neither. I actually thought she did ok, although that pink panther dress did her no favors. I think she would have the talent to move on, but picked a forgettable song. Where is the rock and roll??? Wildcard at best.
7. Nathanial Newton John: Nice costume, cruddy song choice. Simon Scowl was right—maybe he should be making the song choices for these people—they just don’t get it. It wasn’t horrible, but it will not get him to the next level. Say hello to Broadway, you little bawlbaby.
8. Militia Barton: She was invited back after that one chick got disqualified for being a cheater. I wish they would have just left it 11. Am I the only one watching that thought this was nails on chalkboard material? She over-sang it and infused shouting in places that made my ears cry. The judges are wrong on this one.
9. Scotch McEnroe: Finally a decent performance that didn’t make my head swell like a watermelon in heat. I’ve never been that sold on Scotch, but I think he did a great job here, and he will mostly likely go to the next lil round.
10. Kendall Moustache: Well hello Kelly Pickler Jr. Another cookie cutter cute blonde girl that sings country---YAWN…. Unfortunately for her, it was as dry and uninspiring as road salt. The only reason she would get voted through is her looks. See ya!
11. Whorehay Noonyez: Go ahead, take on a Clay Aiken staple Jorgie Porgie. It was actually pretty good, all things considered. I figured on hearing a Ricky Martin song, but Tony Shalhoub put in a staunch effort. Not sure he will get in, but it will be close!
12. Big Triangles: The money spot reserved for the best, as was in the last 2 weeks. Ok, I agree that she is probably a front-runner, but that song sucked for me. Not my kind of music at all—I just don’t get it. So I’ll cut her some slack this time, but I want to see some variety from her. She will no doubt go through as the lone female from this group.
Overall night was hugely disappointing. The only entertainment was squirrel boy knocking over the mic stand and making growling sounds during his audition. I will even go so far as to say that was the most outragrious (even more than Normal Gello’s) performance of the season. What a chowderhead.
I am at a loss for why there are so few GREAT singers and only about 2 or 3 that truly stand out so far. Perhaps the 4 judge format is not working?
Who the he11 are they going to pick for the wildcard 3? Honestly, will some ladies PLEASE show up???
Ratings for the night:
1. No one deserves the #1 spot—nobody blew me away
2. Scotch McEnroe
3. Juno Alaska
4. Medium Circles
5. Whorehay Noonyez
6. Von Helsing Smith
7. Krispin McNamirror
8. Nathanial Newton Headband
9. Kendall Moustache
10. Militia Barton
11. Trailer Varfegnugan
12. Airy Ann Jafar
13. This spot shall remain blank because the last place guy was that much worse than anybody else
14. Alex Winger Tugboat AKA “squirrel”
Final 3 should be Scotch, Rounds, and…….. I’ll say Juno or Whorehay. Once again 2 guys and 1 girl.
The wildcard round should be pretty competitive, and these people better realize their song choice is what’s gonna get them through! I’m thinking that someone from that wildcard round is going to blow the doors off the show and inject some much needed juice into this debacle.
OUT
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