Last night’s Idol extravaganza was Whacko Jacko night, featuring songs from the Artist Formerly Known as the King of Pop. Now he is just the Prince of Plastic, as in surgery. I don’t care how many Thriller albums he sold, just keep him away from Day Care Centers and McCauley Culkin’s house.
At any rate, we have two full hours of this, so buckle up for the long ride—we’re going to Never-Neverland (should be Never-Againland).
The show is annoying right off the bat, as Seacrust and the judges are introduced by Voiceover guy, then they go on to pat themselves on the back about how cool the set and stage is—whoopdy frickin doo.
Ok, on to the singers!
1. Lil Squares Hudson: It was just aight with me—nothing special, but it was a solid performance. She reminds me of Jennifer Hudson. I agree with Simon that her outfit was dreadful. She should sue the stylists for indecent exposure. She’ll go through.
2. Scott McGarfunkel: The hair is particularly curly – where is Paul Simon? I thought Scotty played the piano quite nicely, but what the he11 song was that? This isn’t freaking Boring Bruce Hornsby and the Radar Range night! Horrible song choice, performed adequately. That’s all I got… Afro-turf will make it to next week.
3. Dannie Hokey Pokey Gokey: Nice dancing there, Specs! You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out, shake it all about, blah, blah, blah. Danny did the Gokey Pokey and sang PYT, which is a song about baby-sitting. He did alright, unless you are tripped out Paula who all but guaranteed a trip to the Finals—get over it Prozac princess! Taylor Hicks, I mean Danny goes through—duh.
4. Mikey Pennzoil Sarver: Another boring and useless ballad that no one has heard of. This is turning into a long night. This performance inspired me to yawn multiple times. I think I tore a muscle in my jaw. This was just plain useless elevator music. He is NOT safe.
5. Jazzy Murray: Jazz picked a song that had me wanting for more. More commercials that is. I am honestly waiting for death as I am put through another excruciating Wacko song. She sang it just ok, again. Some of these songs would be better if someone stepped up to the plate and knocked it out, but these performances are so mundane! Not sure if she is safe—probably not.
6. Krisp Allan: The most polite and vanilla out of the bunch. But at least he can play an instrument, right? Wrong. He should not have played that guitar for this song—it was distracting and out of tune. Vocally, he is good, I think—he11, I can’t remember. He is on the bubble this week.
7. Alice in IwoJima: The young plum-headed rocker chick laid down notice to the rest of the singers that she will kick their mellow, wussy little @sses. To me, and this is just my opinion, this is the first song to get me to raise my eyelids without the use of clothespins. It rocked, it was unique and it was hers. Good job (finally). She should be safe, but who knows.
8. Apoop Destroy: Apoop Dog absolutely destroyed “Beat It”. Weird Al Yankovic’s version was 100 times better. I agree with the judges—this was nothing more than expensive karaoke. Picking this song to cover in Idol is like picking which bridge to jump off. Apoop is in trouble, but may be popular enough to stick around.
9. Bore-hay Nunez: “No, no, no!” No, no, no!” That is all I can remember from this horrible cruise ship song. This song choice may doom Poor-hay back to Port of Richard where he will become a star. Aint happenin here though. Ugh, this was really bad. I kept thinking what a disaster this night has been so far. He is probably gone.
10. Megan Ode to Joy Corky: Ok, I’m gonna say it… OVERRATED! She has been less than stellar ever since her fist audition! How many 2nd and 3rd chances does she get? I get that she’s pretty and is a single mom. Fact is, she is an average singer and a horrible dancer. Her stage moves are the worst I’ve seen since John Stevens. The judges need to stop stroking her as a total package—it aint good people! Probably safe, but I hope not. Rockin Robin, INDEED.
11. Adam Glambert: Holy sh*t, somebody that actually gets it! This performance had me alert, awake, entertained and energized. Thank you Glambert! I don’t care that you have eye makeup—that rocked! I said he had ridiculous range and he proved it again. Again, he reminds me of young Axl Rose. By FAR, the best of the night. SAFE!
12. Matt Gir-Fraud: Hey look, it’s Justin Timberfake Jr. Matt is a good piano player and a capable singer, but what a kick to the yams to have to sit through this torturous song after Glambert’s performance. Another sleepy, yawn-inducing ballad with goat-yodeling. We already have a piano-playing Bruce Hornsby wannabe—do we really need two? He’s probably safe cuz he looks like Sexypants Timberline.
13. Alexis Nexus: I really wish they would stop trying to make her look like a prostitute. Her singing was ok, not as good as in the past—she oversang Dirty Diana (the producers probably picked that song for her too). Due to the lack of strong females this season, she will cruise through to the next round.
Overall, the two hours of Michael Jackson karaoke was hard to stomach. Only one performance stood on its own, the rest are in my mental recycle bin. My brain and my patience were worn out by 13 straight Michael Jackson songs, most of which were real bowzers. Two of the guys did Michael Jackson as interpreted by boring Bruce Hornsby. Getting rid of two singers tonight will be a relief and a blessing.
By the way, I want Paula to quit the show now and go straight to rehab and do not collect $200. Her mind-numbing rambling is like getting your brain slapped with hot tar mops over and over again.
Ratings for Wacko Night:
1. Glambert
2. Allison Iwojima
3. Hokey Gokey
4. Lil Trapezoids
5. Alexis Nexus
6. Krispy Alan
7. Jazzy Murray
8. Scott Garfunkel
9. Matt Giraud DePardieu
10. Megan Corkscrew
11. Pennzoil Sarver
12. Horehound Nunez
13. Apoop Dawg
I think the two that should go home are Horehound and Apoop. Their song choices were atrocious and their performances were torturous. I also think Megan’s time is about up. Apoop may get a stay of execution cuz he has a lot of Shitjaya fans voting for him. They could actually eliminate about 8 because I think there are only about five serious contenders left. Thoughts?
OUT
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