Outta Tune and Outta Control

This may have been one of the worst compilation of finalist performances since Season 3 (hello, Pen salesmen?) Not that these aren’t talented people. It’s the same ‘ol crap week in and week out. People are choosing the wrong damn songs. How many times do these people have to be told? I just want to take a whiffle ball bat and beat them about the face, head, chest and neck area until they acknowledge it! It would appear that this group of fools got together last week and drank some dumb-dumb sauce.

That being said, there were roughly 2.5 good performances and about 4 good song choices—ok, that’s enough math for one day.

Bring it on!

1. Jazzman Mooray: I would have figured her a finalist from the get-go, but this was pure crappola. What the he11 are you doing singing this song? It made me cringe and I was not expecting her to do this poorly. Not Top 3, but maybe a 2nd chance wildcard.

2. Matt Geritol: Again, I figured the drueling Piano guy was a shoo-in for the finals, but he turned my ears into pain sponges as he yodeled and did his best goat impersonation on Coldplay. DOH---what is wrong with you dude? He may be popular enough to crack the 3rd spot, or possibly a wildcard, but he needs to remove the doofus chip from his wiring.

3. Jeanine Drop Dead Legs: Enough about the damn legs already! I don’t remember her AT ALL during any of the show. And I doubt I will remember after last night either, with that pathetic Maroon 5 parody she did. It was so out of tune—she was in an alternate universe listening to Moron 6. As Hall and Oates once said, “She’s gone.”

4. Abnormal Gentle: What a goof—I love this guy—I don’t care if he isn’t the best singer—he is nuttier than a fruitcake, and fruitier than a nutcake. I don’t even know what song that was and I think he made up half the words anyway. Vocally, it wasn’t great. However, in light of the other flat and lame performances of the evening, he could have a chance. He is a winner regardless---there will be a lot of agents ready to sign him if he gets kicked off tonight.

5. Alison Chains Iruheta: The fiery tomato mop topped teen finally added something that didn’t suck to the show… a song that kicked a$$! It’s about freakin’ time. Anytime a Heart song is done, it almost always blows everything else away. No exception here, although I believe Carrie Underwood and Carly Smithson did slightly better renditions. I think she goes through to the Top 12 on this.

6. Kris “Mr. Vanilla” Allen: I agree with Kara on this—very forgettable, weak and zero impact. Another guy I don’t remember at all, and last night’s horrid attempt at “man in the mirror” was like listening to a faucet drip for 19 hours. He’s got as much chance as a McCauley Culkin lookalike at a Jacko sleepover.

7. Megan Corksoaker: Man, I wanted her to pull off this song! Cool song choice, but poor execution. She seemed out of tune and her movements were a bit forced. She didn’t seem comfortable. The shoulder movements were just bizarre and distracting. She’s pretty and hip, but I don’t think she will make the Top 3. Possibly a wildcard.

8. Matt Not so Brietzke: Idiot! Initially, I liked this guy—hard working, blue collar man. Then he had to open his big mouth and display some serious arrogance by sassing Simon and basically telling the judges that he knows better than they do. WRONG! Face it, cueball, you don’t know sh*t, your song choice was flaccid, and your performance was Karoake Konstruction man. Yerrrrrrr outta here!

9. Jazzy Lungworthy: (Yah, I can’t think of anything else….) In any event, I was stoked for her to do Bette Davis Size, and although it was pretty good, there was something missing. I don’t think I liked the arrangement and her “hurry up” pacing was distracting. What was most distracting, however, was her machine-gun like rantings after the song. STFU!!!! You are likable, but you are babbling like an Auctioneer on crack! Possibly, the 3rd vote or a wildcard.

10. Kai Kopacabana Hammock: Who doesn’t like this guy? If you don’t, you are a chucklehead. I really wanted him to do well, but he picked the song once described as “sonic Nyquil”. Ok I made that up, but it’s true. It really amazes me to no end how people who seem smart can pick such bowzers for songs. All that music and you pick “What Becomes of the Broken Hearted” Geez. I think Kai go bye-bye

11. My Sharona Henson: First impression: She looks like an Elf. I think she needs to bring Frodo back to the Shire. Or the Keebler Tree hideout. At any rate, I thought her song choice was spot-on and the execution was good, but not great. I would like to see her continue on, but not sure if she will or not. She deserves the #3 spot behind Goth-boy and Alison Chains, if we are going on last night’s shows only.

12. Adam Ant Eyeliner: I said at the beginning of the show that this guy would blow everyone else away and he did. He is a bit all-over-da-place, but this dude has serious range. I think he has Axel Rose range (the old Axel Rose, not that buffoon with red braided hair extensions). I hope he sings “Welcome to the Jungle” some week because I am willing to bet he would slay that bad boy. Easily the top of the heap last night, which wasn’t a hard thing to do.

So, I think overall, very disappointing night for some early favorites. The Piano man and Jazzmine most notably disappointed. Corky was a little “pitchy” and Construction man was just being a d*ck.

My Ratings for last night:

Adam Twelve
Alison Wonderlick
My Sharona Henson
Jazzy Leonidas
Meg Corknfork
Normal Gello
Kai Kalimari
Matt Girauffe
Jassmine Mirry
Krisp Allan
Matt Shittzke
Jah-neen Longshanks

No doubt that the top 2 go, but the 3rd could be a surprise. I think anyone in the TOP 8 on this list could get that 3rd spot. The bottom 4 will never be seen again (and thankfully never heard).

Stay tuned for next week when some numbnuts picks a Spandau Ballet song. Don’t these people have advisers???


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