Sap, Crap and Roll

We are going LIVE folks. No more bullcrap editing and hiding behind commercials and promos. It's time to be exposed for the contenders and pretenders that they are. It's the TOP TWELVE boys so let the whacking and packing commence!

By the way, when I say "whacking", I mean cutting, like "cut from the show..." ok never mind.

In any event, like any other intro to the show, Seakrust has to show us how cool the new stage setup is. Thanks Ryan. It looks remarkably the same as last season, and the season before, and so on. But enough about that peanut head. Not wasting any time, it's time to bring out the competition.

First up is...

June Cleaver Gamboni - Superstition by Stevie Wonder: First of all, this is another song that has been done to death... Please retire it. Googly eyed McGoo gets up there and looks like a Karaoke star on PCP and HGH. He is flapping all over the place like a chicken with aviator goggles. Vocally, it's not horrible, but then again, this guy is on my sh*t list. B

Jovanny Musk Soprano - I'll Be by I have no effin idea: Shipbuilder/Lawyer/Mobster/Accountant picks a great song to get into the next level. A sucky, slow song that no one knows. Nice pick Gilligan. See ya on the dock Luigi! Lips and J-LOWW had it wrong and thankfully Randy pulled them out of the dark by saying what everyone else was thinking. D

Jordan Dorksy - OMG by Usher - This was utterly unlistenable and stunk up the whole stage. This song and performance reached new heights of suck-ness and I couldn't be happier. See ya @sshat! Jordan was the guy that thought he was better than everyone else, and he gets my lowest score of the night and a ticket home. F

NOTE: If you remember my last article, I had as my villains the first three performers last night, and IN ORDER. Back to the guys...

Tim Scalperin Halperin - Come on Over? by I have no freakin clue: C'mon Tim, what the F are you doing man? Tim may have blown his chance by choosing an unknown song that doesn't really even highlight his talents. WASTE! Very disappointing considering he was a fave after Hollywood week. He sang well, but totally forgettable. Meh... C

Brute "Tonight let it be" Lowenstern - Light My Fire by The Doors: Our little mighty red apple is the little choochoo that could. It started out a little weak and fragile like him, but he got into the groove and finished strong like OAK. Love the intonations too.... Light my Fi-YAHHH! Yah you little good luck troll! B

The artist formerly known as Lambert 2.0, James Homerun Durbin - Another Thing Comin by Judas Priest: Holy sh*t, a Priest song on American Idol... I never thought I'd see the day! I am a HUGE Priest fan and have seen them live a zillion times and have all their cds. Rob Halford is an incredible vocalist, and Durbin did him proud. AWESOME, just AWESOME! Yes I'm a metalhead and damn proud of it! :) A

Rowdy Robby Rosen, AKA Kevin Myers, AKA Thomas Ian Nicholas from American Pie - Angel by Sara McLaughlin: Sorry american pie guy, Tara Reid is a HO but this is just weak sauce on top of cream of weak. It was as if a keebler elf was yodeling and whining simultaneously. Thankfully Randy had it right again. Randy is keeping the other two judges in check, because they have been off on a couple so far. C-

Scott McHowdyDoody - Letter From Home by country/western guy: Yah he looks like Howdy Doody and Opie from Andy Griffith. But the voice is great for country, which I am not a fan of, but his range is incredible. If he ever does Johnny Cash, I will be pleased--now that's real country! I hated the song, but he nailed it... B+

Stefano's Pizzeria Langone - Just the Way You Are by Billy Goat: Is this Stefano, or Joey from Friends? I can't tell them apart to be honest. Another sappy ballad to get the crowd buzzing. Well it wasn't for me, but at least it was unique, unlike Jovanny Musk. I think he sounds a lot like Bearhair David Archuleta--almost identical to be honest. It's just aight... B-

RuPaul McDonald - Maggie May by Rod Stewart: Great song choice and it suited his voice to a T... RuPaul has great tone and wonderful rasp and the berries to sing a Rod Stewart song. Not only that, but this guy has a wonderful grin and his teeth are like peppermint chiclets. My only criticism was of that concierge jacket he had on... what up with that??? A-

Jacob's Ladder Luskmelon - A House is Not a Home by Luther Vandross: Smooth as mayonnaise, but tons of range and hitting all kinds of hard to reach notes. No denying this man has incredible talent. What's going to keep him from going on is song choice and dipping into the well of "over-singing" too often. It will be interesting to follow this dude. A

Casey Honest Abrams - Put a Spell on You by CCR: First of all, Casey is lucky to be there, as he was hospitalized with stomach "issues." Putting this guy last was genius. You know he's going to bring something crazy and unique, but performed well too. His snarling rendition of this song was performed with wolf-like tenacity. Ok, I made that up, but wolves are probably fairly tenacious, right??? His facial tics and growls just put icing on the cake. A

Rankings

James Durbin
Casey Abrams
Jacob Lusk
Paul McDonald
Scotty McHowdy
Bret Lowenstern
Stefano Langone
Jun Cleaver Gambone
Tim Halperin
Robby Rosen
Jovanny Shipwreck
Jordan Dorksy

So I guess only 5 get voted through and one get called back as a wildcard. Here is my prediction:

My Top 5 as listed above... AND, AND, AND...... Tim Halperin. Tim needs all the Halp he can get. Honestly, he hosed himself last night, but I think the judges will give him another shot.

Tonight the ladies are going to blow the doors off the HOUSE!!!


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