Rock and Roll Over in my Grave

I thought last night was supposed to be Rock and Roll Hall of Fame night? Out of eight songs, there was only ONE true rock and roll song, which was Baba O'Reilly by our esteemed rocker DaCook. Another disappointing and upchuck-inducing night of crappy reggae, motown covers and freaking ballads. Stick to the genre, ya mooks!

At any rate, this was supposed to be Cookie's night to shine, and overall I thought he did a great job. Could he have done better? He11's Bells YES! I would have loved to hear some actual rockers, but I guess I was not that shocked by the other three's choices.

It would have been cool to bring Alice Cooper, Stephen Tyler or Gene Simmons to be the mentor, but alas, it was not to be. Instead, we get Sanjaya, Chicken Little and Space Ace Young. Speaking of ho's, was that Antoiletta Barba in the audience???

At least we didn't have the judges all confused, as the format of the show went back to normal. Last week was a trainwreck that I would soon like to forget.

On to the performances that didn't rock:

1. Cookie Jarvis: Hungry Like the Wolf??? When that song first came out, it was "new wave," not rocknroll. I was stunned when I heard he chose that. However, he changed it up and rocked it out as well as anyone could. I was actually impressed. His second song "Baba O'Reilly" by the Who was spot on and actually fit the genre (in my opinion, of course) better than anything else sung last night. Overall, I am putting him in first for the night.

2. Sloesha Mercenary: She looked fantastic, but after I learned that she was doing "Proud Mary", I think I threw up in my mouth a little. Not only is this song done every freaking season, but it's always the fahrfevnugen Tina Turner version! It's a CCR song for cripes sakes! I hated it, and the song should be banned from the show. Her second song was something I never heard of, (Sam Cook) but it was just AIGHT for me. I appreciate her emotional attachment to it, but again, it is not really a rocker. I am disappointed because I thought she was going to wow us. Hopefully she keeps the straight hair--the doll-head thing is a travesty.

3. Jason Castaway: Dred-boy will be getting a job at the post office, cuz he has MAILED it in. This was by far his worst night, and like Simon, I was pretty irritated. This goofy guy had potential early on, but clearly his mind is not in the game at this point. I think he misses his reefer and hangin out with his other stoner pals. His tortured rendition of "I shot Omar Shariff" was a pile of bovine fecal matter. AND then on his second song "Mr Tambourine Man", he forgot the words (brain cell damage). He recovered, but too little too late. Pack your bags, and your hair, boy--you goin home!

4. The Hobbit: Hey guess what, Archuletta is going with a ballad!! Holy sh*t!!!!!! I am stunned and amazed! Although, solid vocally, as he usually is, the hobbit just bores me to tears. The only thing that keeps me watching, is marveling at why his lips aren't more chapped. What the he11 was he doing with his eyebrows last night?? It reminds me of the muppets on Sesame Street. I think Frank Oz was manipulating Archie's face with wires and hooks. So he sung "Stand by Me" and "Love me Tenderloin", and neither had me jumping for joy. Randy Fatson, again, was stroking the Hobbit excessively this week and needs to be put down.

Randy needs to shut his cakehole--his commentary is about as useful as Paula's liver. Then he made Sloesha cry! Big meanie!

Overall, the Rock and Roll Hall of Shame night was a disappointment, but not a surprise. When Castro is gone, there will be one rocker, one balladeer and one motown r&b singer. At least out of the three of them, Cookie Jarvis is the only one brave enough to mix it up and take risks.

Rankings for Wuss and Roll night:

1. Cookie Jarvis
2. Hobbit
3. Sloesha
4. Postal Boy

I can't even fathom anyone going home tonight that is not named Jason Castro. However, the Hobbit needs to go back to the Shire and learn what rock and roll is. Stay tuned for tonight's Kick Off show, where Frodo and Gandalf are set to perform ballads.


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Virtual Shopping Spree

Oh my gosh—I have discovered the greatest thing since squeezable mayonnaise! You can actually buy things over the internet! Ok, I will quit pretending that this is a novel idea—I mean let’s be real—internet commerce has been alive and kicking for some time now.

I must admit that the first time I made a purchase online, I was very nervous. Internet security was not as advanced as it is now, and there were these creepy “hackers” everyone kept talking about just waiting to leech onto your credit card numbers. So I made sure I went to a site that had the little shield at the bottom of the screen that “ensured” protection against these world wide weasels. Fortunately for me, my box of 1999 Hockey cards made it to me safely and without incident.

The rest is history. I am now an Internet buying guru. Almost everything I own and most gifts I have purchased have been online. If you can’t find it locally, NO PROBLEM-order it online! I actually do try to support the local businesses as much as possible, but there are just some things you can’t find around here.

For example, the Shamwow towels you might have seen on TV peddled by the ubiquitous Billy Mays, that black-bearded ball of boisterous bullpucky. Well, he sold me, and now I have eight Shamwow towels for the price of four! Yes, I ordered them online and when I ripped them open, I immediately poured an entire glass of orange juice on one, and I’ll be darned, but it soaked up the whole thing and wanted seconds!

I’ve ordered everything from CDs to snowblowers, folks. I have every virtual store bookmarked. Books, shoes, videos, vitamins, outerwear, underwear, socks, shocks, and jocks—it’s all covered and neatly indexed on my computer.

I think this buying online thing is especially great for the male gender. A lot of guys don’t like to go out shopping for stuff, me included. Buying online gives guys the outlet to get guy stuff and never leave the sofa. We can watch football while ordering man shavers and toy cars… you know--those necessities in life.

The best thing about buying online, is that you can get rid of all the junk when you are done with it by selling it on Ebay. If anyone is interested in some towels and a nose hair trimmer, just look up my handle on the internet…

Diamonds in the Rough

Last night was Neil Diamond night and each singer gets to go twice. This means that Ryan SeaKrust has to hurry the show along. In fact the whole format of the show changed last night, and quite frankly it was a freaking debacle.

No comments from the judges until the 2nd song? What braintrust thought of this? Obviously, they didn't tell Crackhead Paula, who critiqued both of Jason Cass-stroh's songs, when he had only performed one. Paula was so useless last night, they would have gotten smarter commentary from Pauly Shore. The judges clearly were not ready for this new format, and personally, I thought it sucked.

In any event, back to Kneel Diamond. I don't think I've ever seen him live before, so that was pretty cool. All I know is that I used to hear him on my mom's AM radio in the mornings. He does have a nice catalog of material and I was thinking that Cook was going to shine like no other. So, how did the other pretenders do?

1. Jason Castor Oil: More like cast-rated. Very disappointed in Castro last night. His first song, Forever in Blue Jeans, had no oomph to it. It was very soft and cuddly like a pet hamster. I kept waiting for him to growl a little, but as I said before, he doesn't have that in him. His second song was equally flaccid. He sung like he was on valium, or whatever other drug Paula slipped him under the table.

2. AC Cook: Last night Cook had the letters "AC" on his jacket, and it's also on his guitar. His initials are DC. So does that make him an AC DC fan? Ok enough gibberish... Cook was brilliant on both songs last night. This is his competition to lose. I never heard of those songs he did, but it didn't matter--they were freaking great!

3. Brooke Wobbly White: Her first song (I'm a Believer from the Monkees) might go down as one of the worst in TOP 5 history. It was absolutely appalling. I've seen better karaoke at Al's Red Frog. What the f*** was she thinking? Did she not remember Krispy Lee's repulsive version of "8 Days a Week" during Beatles week? This was just as bad, if not worse. She did redeem herself somewhat on the piano song. Still, she is in serious trouble along with Judge Dred.

4. Davey Parched-uletta: The lip licking little man cruised through Sweet Caroline like a dull knife through mayonnaise. In other words, who cares... Davey sure sounds a lot like Christopher Cross (Sailing). Again, blah, blah, blah. Randy should be man-slapped for heaping such praise on this kid. His second song "Coming to America" was soggy and somber. He is the anti-Neil Diamond. I was not happy with this performance. Neil Diamond has a nice growl to his voice, very man-like indeed. This had wuss-factor written all over it. "SORRY!"

5. Syscreecha Mercado: I actually thought her first song was outstanding. If she can pick THAT kind of song every week, she will have momentum to carry her into the finals and one of the Davids will get steamrolled over. David ? vs Syscreecha (can you believe it?) Unfortunately (for her), her second song was a shipwreck. To me it sounded like a funked up motown makeover, and those are a dime-a-dozen in this competition.

Overall, I would say Cook and Syscreecha's stock has gone up after the show. Arghhhuletta's has stayed the same, and Bungalow Brook and Castroh's has gone down hill, like a steaming ball of doggy doo.

Ratings for Diamond Week:

1. COOK, hands down (or up--it aint even close)
2. Syscreecha
3. Starchuletta
4. Wharbling White
5. Cast iron skillet

I just can't picture the top 3 going home tonight. It MUST be Brooke or Castro, and deservedly so. I like Jason, but he just has too many quaaludes in his system to give him the drive to win this thing. Babylon Brooke's song choices and knack for speaking out of turn will end her competition early.

If Brooke goes home, watch out for Syscreecha the next few weeks--she will pick up a lot of Brooke's fan base.

By the way, did anyone see the sign in the crowd for the "man-love" for Simon? That was classic!


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Welcome to Boredway!

THIS.... is American Insomnia! Last night we were abused by the tiresome sounds of Broadway as our contestants belted out hard-rocking show tunes from Pottsy Webber. Was that Ralph Malph I saw in the audience? Ok, with all due respect to Andrew Lloyd Weber, this was not a show I was looking forward to. Really, I was just curious as to see how Cookie Crisp would do with this genre.

Was it me, or did Paula look absolutely whacked out of her skull? Her hair and makeup were kabuki style with the big red rouge cheeks. Her long-windedness with each contestant bordered on lunacy and filled a steaming pot of verbal empty calories.

In any event, we have the Top 6 doing their best to be Broadway stars--thank goodness for TIVO/DVR because having to watch commercials on top of this borefest would have sent me over the edge...

1. Screecha Mercado: She actually did pretty good here, and goes in my top 2. I want so badly to root against her, but she earned her way to another week. Obviously, this theatrical music stuff is right up her alleyCATS. See you on Broadway Screechy! And thanks for dropping the Doll-head hair for the week.

2. Stony Castro: Holy Dred Lox! Talk about unfreakingcomfortable. What a struggle for our young wolf-eyed stoner. Definitely not his style and way out of his zone. He will be a bottom-dweller tonight, thanks to the geniuses that put this show together. Maybe Pottsy could have helped him pick a more suitable song?

3. Brooke, "no wait, sorry" White: What the f***? "I will sing when I'm good and ready!" Does Bubble-head Brooke think this is a game of Duck-Duck-Goose and can call "do-over!" anytime she wants? This is live TV man!!! This is the second time this has happened--not acceptable on a show of this magnitude. She did recover nicely, but too little too late. Bottom Dweller--"DO OVER!"

4. Daddy's Boy Archuleta: First of all, his dad is creepy. I bet he makes young Bear-hair do vocal training exercises 24x7. Starchy did, you guessed it, a tender ballad. Oh the girlys loved it. I did not. I agree with Simon Scowl here--very forgettable and mundane. Show something new and interesting, you lip-licking, one trick pony keg.

5. Curly Smithson 2.0: Curly has had a style makeover and now cannot be made an example of. However, she still has that annoying constipated look of distress when she belts out the high notes. Her performance of Jesus Christ Superstar was at least peppy and entertaining, but I was distracted by those facial tics. If Starchy has to open his eyes, then Curly has to stop the exlax face. Her Simon t-shirt and the close-up of her significantly inked up other puts her at risk tonight.

6. Da Cook: The only performance that was worth remembering for me. I wasn't sure he could pull this off, but he did. There were some weird parts at the beginning, but overall, it was excellent and different. If he can sing this gibberish, then he should be able to cruise the rest of the way.

In sum, the bookend performers did the best. It was like a sandwich with really good bread, but with rancid meat and moldy condiments. Cookie and Screechy were by far the best performers last night. The middle four were boring and had me snoring.

Rankings for Pottsy Webber night:

1. David Whaz Cookin!
2. Sloesha
3. Curly SmithandWesson
4. Bear-hair Archuleta
5. Bumbling Brooke
6. Dreaded Lock Jason

I am thinking the bottom 3 are going to be: Jason, Brooke, Curly

No DO OVERs tonight, Babbler--you are gone!!!! (but it would not be a shocker if ANY of the three go)


OUT

Mariah's Mental Midgets

Last night was the dreaded Mariah Carey night, well it was dreaded for me, anyway. As most of you know, I am not interested, nor do I listen to that kind of music. I will acknowledge Mariah's "talents" however. She stacks up with the best of them! ; )

In any event, I was initially thinking if I had to take a day off Idol watching, this would probably be the one. However, I swam through the sludgy muck of sad sappy sodapop silliness, and here I am.

For starters, I am very annoyed with Ryan SeaKrust and his pompous introduction that..... THIS....................is American Idol!!!! It's almost like he is saying, "look at me and my nancy-boy faux-hawk (that pointy hair on top of his dome), I am the Idol! ME, ME, ME!" Shut the F up you little toolbox. In addition, Paula looked stoned again, and she had the bedhead going full bore. Corey Clark?

So on to the performers and their dates with Drew, I mean, Mariah Carey.

1. David Bear-Hair Archuletta: Yawn... Imagine, if you will, bear-hair doing a ballad! Yah, that is what I thought. He's a one trick pony that just happens to do that trick well. What I realized, unfortunately, is that ridiculous powerpuff ballad that the last two finalists get to sing in the Finals, will fall right into his one-trick pony strength (which is a d@mn shame.)...

2. Scary Smithson: She looked better than ever! However, she sounded just okay to me. No doubt talented as anyone, but her song choices, lack of confidence and that goofy strained look she gives when belting wont' help her. In trouble again.

3. Slyesha Murkydo: Old "Doll-head" sung "Vanishing". I wish that is what she would have done, rather than sing this song. So far, I am hating the night and can't wait til "He11's Kitchen" comes on. It was another slow and unoriginal copy, like the last two weeks.

4. Bumbling Brooke Whitehead: Her level of annoying chatterbox keeps elevating, and as I was once a big fan, I am no longer. Not only does she gab like a slot machine, but the cracks are showing in her abilities. She was clearly shaking at the end of her song, and I think she has reached her peak. In addition, I highly doubt she can belt any big notes. In trouble...

5. Krispy General Lee Cook: What a pathetic attempt to countrify and westernize a Mariah Freaking Carey song. As soon as I heard that whiny steel guitar, I knew what she was up to! YER not foolin anyone Krispy Kreem! Krappy and sappy.

6. The talented David... Mr. Cook that is... Welcome back - After his off-week last week, he is back to being brilliant. He makes songs I hate sound listenable. Thank you mister Cook, you beer-bellied belter!

7. The Stoner, Jason Castrol: I am still a fan and although the judges liked, I didn't like it. He is very cool and talented, but like Brook, he cannot belt out any big notes. I am still rooting him on though!!! Go STONER!!!

My first thought after last night's show was, "where the f*** was Mikey Johns???" Thanks a lot America, you dolts! Instead we have the Bumbler, the Doll-Hair and the Krappy Cook.

Fortunately, those three will be YOUR bottom three this week and rightfully so. In fact, they should just have a bottom 6 and call David Cook safe because I really didn't like any of the other six performances. Ooohh, I am such a funhater, aint I?

Rankings for Mariah Scary Night:

1. D C (Da Cook)
2. Stoner Castro
3. Bear Hair
4. Scary Smithson
5. Sloesha
6. Krappy Lee
7. Babbling Brooke

I could care less which of the bottom 3, or even bottom 5 go home after last night. It will most likely be.... BROOKE!!! (they might have to add 30 minutes to the show for the bawling and bumbling about that will take place during her "goodbyes."


OUT

Inspirational Flip-Flops

Last night's Idol show was kinda weird for me. The theme was "songs that inspire", which could really open up a lot of interesting choices. Some made good choices and some made "unique" choices. The thing that really freaked me out the most, was the singers did a little "flip-flop" as to how they did in their performances, as compared to the last few weeks.

For example, Castro and Krispy Lee were at the top of their games and Dave Cook and Carly had off-nights. You know who else had off-night? Randy Jack*ss and Simon Scowl. Someone must have p*ssed in Mandy's wheaties because he was just a tool last night. And Simon just didn't have a lot to say at all. And then there is sweet little Paula... Not rambling as much lately, probably because Brooke handles that phase of the show now. However, Paula has been pretty accurate as of late, and her nonsensical rantings have subsided considerably.

One other note I must make before the ratings... For those that have been following Idol the last few years, you probably remember Elliot Yamin. Although, I gave him a hard time about his past dental "challenges", he is a good soul and a fantastic singer. You also probably remember his mother, who showed endless support and encouragement for her son throughout the whole season. Claudette Yamin has been battling illness for quite some time. She showed unbelievable passion, support and even a little fire in her belly as she supported Elliot. She was a wonderful person and would make any son proud. Claudette's health finally got the best of her and she passed away a couple weeks ago. She was a great inspiration and her and Elliot's bond really made that season special.

Now on to the AWE or UN inspiring performances from last night...

1. Michael St. Johns Wort: The Outback kid did Aerosmith's Dream On. I thought it rocked up until the end, when he tried too hard to screech the high parts. Sandy Jackson was WAY too hard on him here. It was pretty good and I think a good choice for Mikey. One thing I'd like to see different on Mikey, is for him to stop wearing those preposterous girly scarves! It looks really wussyish and it needs to stop.

2. Syshrieka Murkotto: Again with the nutty hair. She looks fantastic when it's straight, or slightly curled, but the mouse-ka-teer tween look is about as annoying as 8 year-olds at a slumber party. Again, she tackles a song too big for her. It was ok, but no originality.

3. Stoner Castro: Dreadboy is back! Jason was one of my early favorites, so I am hoping this keeps him around. That was a perfect alternative rendition of Over the Rainbow and he hit every note with surgeon-like precision.

4. Kountry Lee Kook: She just bought herself another week and maybe not be in the bottom 3. It was easily her best performance--what the he11 can I say? I want to hurl insults her way, but not much I can do this time--it was good! (Damn her) :)

5. David "Night-off" Cook: Ok, tonight not so good. This was, for me, his worst performance. I know the band Our Lady Peace--it is a love/hate kind of music. I hated this song for him, and it really started off shaky at best, and he unfortunately didn't ever reel me in. Everyone is entitled to an off-night, eh? One other thing---that ridiculous white jacket looked like something you find in an insane asylum, or on Hell's Kitchen.

6. Curly Shuffle Smithson: Carly looked better tonight, but still needs to work on that. They again showed DaVinci's Facebook in the audience scaring all the kids with his fear-inspiring facial "art." As for Carly's performance, it fell short and was disappointing. I agree with some of you that get easily irritated with her facial expressions when she let's loose. It is starting to look more like she's constipated. Stop scrunching your face, you little leprechaun.

7. Bear-Hair Archuleta: I noticed they try to make his hair all matted up on purpose. It looks like bear-hair to me. The song was inspiring to me, as in "yawn-inspiring." Also, did anyone else notice that the piano swallowed him up--I could barely see him! It was like seeing an old granny driving a car and she is looking THROUGH the middle of the steering wheel, trying to see what's in front. Technically, he was good, but certainly not inspiring.

8. Brook S.T.F.U. White: Can someone please train her to shut her yap when done singing? Her mouth and that silly pouty look she has perfected, is going to get her kicked off soon. Honestly, she needs to get her verbal and non-verbal communications skills in order. I guess when you are a nanny, and all you have is interaction with kids, you are going to act like one too. Her song, again, not inspiring and not memorable. She may be in danger here....

Rankings for Perspiration Night:

1. My boy, Dreadlock!
2. Krispy Lee! WTF?
3. Outback Johns
4. Bear Hair Starchuleta
5. Syscreecha
6. Brooke "I'm a Toy Czar Russ kid" White
7. Curly Smithsonian
8. David Cook's not in the kitchen

Again, dare I say that the tables have turned this week. Perhaps the most endangered singers had the most to gain through their inspirational choices? Their songs inspired them to do better than the usual stars. Should make for an interesting bottom 3 tomorrow.

Predictions: Bottom 3: hmmm... I'm going to go with Curly, Brooke and Syscreecha. Krispy gets the comfy couch tomorrow night! I am afraid that Curly may have seen her last week on Idol. No more scrunchy face or terrifying husband!

OUT

I Beg Your Parton

I was expecting Jane Fonda and Dabney Coleman to make cameo appearances last night on Dolly Night. Perhaps tonight on the "Get your @ss outta here" show.

Dolly Parton, who is about 90 years old was our interim mentor on last night's show. Through the marvels of modern chemistry, time travel, quantum physics, etc, they made her look like she was 30. To her credit, she was very pleasant, kind and was sugary sweet towards the contestants. Dolly is just AIGHT with me ya'll!

However, when it came to the theme of last night, I was a bit confused. Was it country night, or heart-felt song night? What the he11 kind of genre is that? I knew this would not be a flavah I would savah, as both those styles do nuttin' for me. My fears were realized when after the night was over, I was like, "that show sucked." It went from boring to lame to mundane. The singers seemed to do alright for the most part, but the material had all the excitement of liquid paper drying.

So here we go for our Final 9...

1. Shut the F*** up Brooke: About as corny as hash. This reminded me of that sunshine song she did a couple weeks ago with that ghastly yellow zootsuit. And this time we had a ghastly violin player. As Brooke was getting dissed by the judges, she continued to babble back and forth, making me, and I'm sure countless others either uncomfortable or just plain annoyed.

2. Braveheart Cook: Daveheart, if you haven't heard, had to be rushed to a hospital after his song with heart palpitations and high blood pressure (he is fine now). Not only was he the only one remotely close with a "wow" factor last night, but he did while his chest was about ready to explode. Can we just give him the prize now?

3. Lame-iele Mullberry: Another weak-@ssed performance from someone who has really slid since the beginning. I think her confidence has been permanently damaged by this experience. She can sing, but her soft parts last night were barely audible which made the rest of the song suffer.

4. Fidel Castro: Dreadlock Holmes did a pretty good job on "Traveling Through" which is yet another song I never heard of. I am starting to wonder where the he11 they are getting these songs. However, he did a good job as his elixir-like voice wrapped around this tune. He also showed a little more range than usual.

5. Maternity Smithson: Carly needs to stop wearing those trailer-park influenced outfits and start dressing better. That getup was atrocious and Simon was absolutely right to call her out on it. That being said, I thought it was a fantastic rendition of the only Dolly song I can recognize. Oh, and stop showing her husband in the audience---he is so scary, I had to hide under my blanket, until it was safe to come out again.

6. Starchuleta: The aw shucks kid put up a really good vocal performance and it would appear that he has found his niche. It does nothing for me, but it was still good. This just shows how much I am not a fan of this style of music.

7. Kristy is Cooked: This girl has 9 lives. She should have been gone weeks ago, but because she is the lone "country" girl, she will continue to make my ears bleed another week. Nice timing doing country week--it just guarantees she will dis-grace us with her presence longer. And what was up with that gaffy little exchange with Simon at the end?

8. Sloweesha Mercury: Tackled Whitney Houston (who are we kidding--this was a Whitney copy, not Dolly). In any event, I've heard better and I've heard worse. I just wish that I would never have to hear this f***ing song again. It should be banned from the show.

9. Mighty Mike Johns: Best for last? He came pretty close. Another impressive outing for Aussie-boy this week. Let's see if he can continue the ride into next week. Although, I haven't ever heard this song, it was one of maybe three that got my attention.

Overall, I really didn't care for the show last night. Hated the songs and quite frankly, never heard of most of them. Thank goodness for David Cook for at least trying to add his own element .

Ratings for Sappy Country Song night:

1. Cookie Crisp
2. Mikey Johns
3. Carly Goodwill Smithson
4. David Parchuleta
5. Dreadlock
6. Babbling Brooke
7. Slowesha
8. Krispy LEE
9. Lame-ielle

I think the bottom will be Lamielle, Krispy (again), and maybe Castro or Carly in other hot seat.

I'm thinkin we say buh-bye to Lamielle tonight.


OUT