Before we get to Miami, let's discuss the Oma-blah auditions. My first impression was that it was surprisingly not bad! There were even a couple Iowans who made it to the next level!
One major difference between "talent" from the midwest verses talent from the coasts, is that us midwesterners KNOW if we are strange or unusual, whereas that freakshow Friedas on the coasts are just absolutely NUTS, and think they are normal.
Now, on to the circus...
The first guy in Omaha is an example of what happens when you mix heroine, caffeine and prozac. His screeching, howling rendition of Kelly's Since You've Been Gone caused my windows to shatter. However, it must have did something for the judges because they are going to get him a gig on the red carpet for the finals. I can't wait! NOT.
Then there was the arm-wrestling chick, who resembled a yodling goat. Nice try there, Swiss Miss! Grab a ricola and call me next year! She about tore Paula's arm off, and made it to Hollywood by intimidating the judges.
Speaking of intimidation, that beastly female wrestler was downright frightful (although I did like the laugh).
As far as good stuff goes, Iowa showed up folks! The first Iowan was a guy from a farm - gee, really? Go figure... In any event, he forgot the d@mn words not once but thrice! I was shocked they let him continue, but he did fine on the 4th attempt. If he forgets his lyrics again, he is Iowa milquetoast.
Then there were a couple ok performers, but also forgettable. From what I did remember, there were two more notable performers:
1. The rocker guy with the 2 tone hair color. He did a Bon Jovi song and he drilled it. Mark my words!!! he will be a top 24, if not higher contestant.
2. Iowa guy #2 who sang "A Song for You". Again, I see a dude who might make it to the finals. However, I was a little unclear about his reference to queen/princess. Isn't this something you keep to yourself, at least for now? Three words for ya... T M I
Now on to the Miami Fright Machine:
Just looking at the crowd before the show, I knew there would be chaos and kookiness. I was somewhat encouraged, however, when the first contestant was introduced. A nice looking, normal girl for once! ANGH!!!! Sorry, folks, but this girl is a meat-carving, belching, boisterous beasty. What the he11 was up with that gaseous outburst of guttural grotesquerie?
On with the show...
The two portly female friends were freaking hilarious--initially I thought they would both suck and then yell at the judges. However, they both rocked! And we all know Simon the sly dog, loves the larger ladies--they had it made!
Next on the memorable chart is Antonio BanderASS junior. His accent as think as his eyebrows. Paula said yes, but only because she wants to pull a Corey Clark on him. Perhaps Paula should go back on her meds again? Anyway, his singing was as Simon put it, "it would sound good if you were drunk." He will get the boot early and often in Hollywood.
To be honest, there wasn't a lot of good stuff in Miami--it was a crapfest from start to finish with a few sprinkles of good.
The single mom did pretty good and I hope she does well in the competition. That just about sums up the good performers in Miami. Pretty sad, eh?
Probably the most unforgettable segment on the show was that spoiled rotten bratty former Junior Idol Julie. Her precociousness went beyond the borders of obnoxiousness and reckless delusions of grandeur. Her parents should be slapped and forced to drink paint for raising a daughter like that. Even when her mom tried to comfort her, she pushed her away. I could not have been happier then when the judges (all 3!) told her to hit the pavement.
And lastly, that mentally deranged young go-getter with the white suit and hat combo. This is why we have security guards, folks. His act was so flaccid, the judges all but got up and left.
Overall, this week's auditions blew technicolor chunks of ridiculousness. My favorites so far are the 2 guys from Omaha (listed above).
We have a record 4th week of auditions next week kids... strap it on cuz we're going to Freaklanta!!
OUT
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