Hollyweird Week: Instruments of Torture

Two nights ago was the beginning of the ever-lovin Hollywood week. This week is grueling and angst-ridden for most of the contestants. This is where we separate the pretentious from the contentious, and in some cases, contagious.

Before we get to the final 24, I must address the first night's show. It was really, really good. I hate saying that because it is more fun to ridicule and spray my sarcastic babble around. Last year's Hollywood show was pure and utter crap! We didn't really get to know anyone, and it was rushed. This season, we got two full hours and lots of personal stuff, as well as many performances. We skipped the Group performance debauchery as well.

It was pretty easy to see who are finalists would be by how much they showcased certain individuals. The G-Rated Blondie was the first to go and she was on TV more than 90% of the others. Same with Nurse Joplin and Blue-tongue Tattoo girl. For the guys, it was Josiah the crying faucet boy, Two-Tone hair guy, that creepy Antonio Banderas wannabe who was trying to hit on all the ladies (and Ryan). There was also that silly Harry Potter meets Clay Aiken dude with the tie. Let's not forget Kristy Lee Cook, the kick-boxin, calf-stompin, horse-chasin, girl (who already has or had a major record deal). The camera was sure in love with her!

The point is that the top 24, or at least most of them got the lion's share of the press.

Back to some of these performances... The first thing that struck me was the allowance of instruments. I can understand keyboards or a guitar IF, and I mean IF it can be pulled off. However, this one dingus had the bright idea of bringing a huge set of drums to play on while singing. "Animal" from the Muppet show is turning in his grave after that impotent performance. Talk about a dopey decision! There was another guy who brought his guitar and strummed it once, and it sounded like a broken dehumidifier. DUMBA$$!

The other knucklehead that I will not miss seeing again is that greasy haired molester from Venezuela who thought he was trying out for Desperado, Part Duex. His Bryan Adams karaoke was horror for my ears. And his smoochin all the females made me want to wash my TV screen with bleach. I heard his breath stunk of onions and socks.

Ok, let's cut the crap and get to the Top 24 show. As I mentioned, no surprises really. The only thing that irritated me other than all the sappy crying, was that there were about 4 dudes who made the top 24 that I have NO recollection of seeing or hearing... EVER. This is the A.I. producer's Kiss of Deth! People who don't get any air time prior to the finals are usually taking a dirt nap before the Top 12 starts. I don't expect that trend to change. So there's Dippy Dredlok, Skunkboy, McStubbly, and Hairy Twinklefoot. Who the he11 are these freaking guys??? Why did I have to endure Harry Potter and the Goblet of Dorkness all this time? And that Josiah kid who arguably had the most camera time EVER--well he got the boot back to his car. What was the point of that? Speaking of Josiah, man he really screwed the pooch on that last song---what the f*** were you thinking son??? It's probably a good thing he is going home--he was the next Scumjaya Malokar.

In any event, like I said, no surprises. My early favorites are: the Aussie who sang Bohemian Rhapsody, the 2-Tone hair boy who sang Bryan Adams (cripes--who DIDN'T?), Amanda the Rockin Nurse, Asia Epperson, and Tattoo-Girl.

My darkhorse is that little blond kid who beat Harry Potter at the end--I think he could sneak up on people.

The Haley Scarnato "I get by on my looks" award goes to Kung Fu Kristy Cook and the Scudjaya "I suck @ss" award will most likely go to that flatulent Danny Noriega.

I just hope that after five seasons, the contestants FINALLY understand how important song choice is. Let's also pray for no DISCO or LATIN nights. PLEASE......

OUT