Idol Worship

It's an Idol Baker's Dozen as our Top 13 get ready to show their stuff. The theme tonight is "songs from your Personal Idols," which casts a much wider net around song choices than let's say, ummm... Disco Night (ugh!). We also had the privilige of seeing the awesome producers from the record company (ad nauseum), I mean advise our young hopefuls.

Lips, JLOWW and Randy were in magnanimous spirits last night as it was like pulling Paul McDonald's teeth to elicit a negative quip from them. Obviously, the top-to-bottom talent on the show is at an all-time high and that makes it much more difficult to cast stones or in some cases, roses.

So here we go. Tonight starts off with a bang as one of "the anointed ones" kicks it off...

Laurena Alaina Twaina: Any Man of Mine by Shania Twain - Good way to start off the show, something upbeat and non-ballady. Which is what she said, thank you very much. Even with the addition of the Olson twins doing backups, the judges were a little lukewarm on it because they want people to feel sorry for her, which means more votes. Nice strategy and sweet jeggings! Solid B

Casey Grizzly Abrams: With a Little Help from my Friends by Joe Cocker - Using the steps as a prop this early in the competition means Casey likes to sit on steps. But seriously, good song for the scraggly bearded one. It reminded me a little of Graylor Hicks, as he was known for doing upbeat, well-known songs while using lots of body language and unique facial tics. B+

Ashthon Kutcher Jones: When You Tell Me That You Love Me by Diana Ross - Diva Knievel started out a little shaky at the beginning and never really got it going on this unknown Ross tune. HEY lady! You squeaked by in the Wildcard round--how about picking a winning song and NOT singing like you're in a high school talent show? C

Paul Dentyne McDonald: Come Pick Me Up by Ryan Adams - Who the he11 is Ryan Adams? Does he also dress like a carhop? First I thought he was going to sing "Summer of 69" by BRYAN Adams, which I would loathe since it is done incessantly every season. But after hearing this quivering pile of WTF, I think I would actually prefer the ubiquitous "Summer" song. C-

Mama Pia Toscano: All By Myself by Celine Dion - Singer or Supermodel? Total package here folks. Not a huge Celine fan, but she sang it adequately. Not great, but pretty good. Criminy, it doesn't matter--she could sing with ping pong balls in her mouth and people will put her through. You go girl! B+


Turbo James Durbin: Maybe I'm Amazed by Paul McCartney - The Turbo-charged Durbinator strikes again. His older self would have tortured this song with that whacked out range of his. However, he has shown considerable growth and restraint when needed. If he keeps this up, he will be in the finals. He was amazing, and no maybes about it. A

Hailstorm Rheinhardt: Blue by LeAnn Rimes - RICOLLA!!!!!!!!!!! I hear mountaineers in search of cough drops and the yodeling girl on The Price is Right. I will give Hailey props for having the balls to actually yodel on live tv. BRAVE or STUPID? I guess it depends on your personal preference. I am so confused as to whether this was any good or not... So I am giving it a C+

Jacob Lusk of the Irish - I Believe I Can Fly by R. Kelly - This song is sung every season, sometimes multiple times per season. I believe I can puke, if I ever hear it again. To hear Jacob over-sing the living bejeezus out of it made me want to beat the living lusk out of him and his pen salesmen suit. Unlike Durbin who can practice restraint, Lusk pushed his singing right off the ledge. D

Thia Tequila: Smile by Michael Jackson - It will be hard to top what Thia did last week, and sure enough, this week was a letdown. It wasn't bad per se, but she raised the bar to the statosphere last week. This week, was an inevitable letdown. That said, it was still a decent performance. B-

Joey Steffano Langone: Lately by Stevie Wonder - Meh. Chandler and Ross thought it lacked chutzpah. I concur with them. As the song was boring me to sleep, I could't help but notice the clothing selections. The Sicilian Eskimo Biker look must be an LA thing. I think he put his wardrobe together via slot machine. FAIL. D+

Separated at birth?

Karen Chi-chi Rodriguez: I Could Fall in Love by Selena - Holy crap, it's time for a girl to blow us away! Nope, nothing to see here folks. Maybe the most disappointing performance of the night, as I expect much more from K-Rod. If she sticks around, she's gotta bring her A game and great song choices. She still looks good though! D+

Scotty McRichieCunningham: The River by Garth Brooks - If there is one person who will make an album IMMEDIATELY after this show, it's Beam me up Scotty. Some Country record label is chompin' at the bit for Scotty to get mule-kicked to the curb. He sung this song so effortlessly, but it will be interesting if they ever make him sing out of his country-comfort zone. A

Naima Odetopepper: Umbrella by Rihanna - Crazy girl, all over da place! Unforunately, as lively and enraptured as her movements are, the voice does not match up. It's not horrible, but it definitely is underwhelming. Do you all overstand this? Naima is a like a box of chocolates. Is she Godiva or that disgusting Russell Stover box of penguin sh*t? Time will tell... B-

Grading out the performers was a bit tougher this week, as there were 13 performers and none of them really stunk. Some of the song choices (as usual) begged for lobotomization, but calling out clear cut winners and losers not that easy.

Rankings for "Idol Worship" week:

James
Scotty
Pia
Casey
Laurena
Thia
Haley
Naima
Paul
Ashthon
Karen
"Joey"
Jacob

At this early stage, it is hard to determine who is going home, but I'm pretty confident that Joey will be in the bottom three. Although Jacob drove me nuts and is sitting at the bottom, he will NO WAY in he11 get voted out now.

So... Joey, Karen and Ashthon in the bottom. Ashthon going home! Diva Con Dios baby!

Ladies better step up next week--the guys kicked their @sses this week, at least in the top 5.


OUT

Girls Gone Mild

It's Ladies night, and oh what a fight. A fight to see who will be in the Top 5. I will spare you the superfluous intro by Chicken of the Seacrest. But I will say that JLOWW was showin' some thigh last night in a big way. Holy Earl Campbell, Batman!

So let's get the show on the road. Again, the girls get to pick their own songs. How will they do? Song choice is your biggest ally or foe. Will they outperform the boys from Tuesday? Let's find out...

Up first is:

Tarantula Wilson - Only Girl by Rihanna: I don't care if it's Rihanna, Madonna or Benihana. It was not a good song choice and her voice was cannibalized by the music. In addition, it was out of tune and outta here! JWOWW is not hearin' so good. She claims "the crowd was moved." Bombshell... the crowd is MOVED by every song, even the crappola. C-

Naima Nomogato Mister Roboto Adedapo - Summertime by George Gershwin: lady, it was pretty good, but you will not top Fantasia's version, nor will anyone else. However, she did it more up-tempo and did a pretty good job. The back tats really accentuated the emotions of the song. B+

Kendra Chandelier - Impossible by Christina Aguilera: Initially, I was thinking she has some killer range, but then it just got annoying, especially in the upper register. It was just ok, but it coulda woulda shoulda been better. B

Rachel Zebrafeeder - Criminal from Fiona Apple: Picking that song was a crime. Rachel is/was supposed to be the next Siobhan Magnus from a couple seasons ago. Great pipes and uniquely original song choices. She showed neither of these traits Wednesday night. First big disappointment of the night. I think the problem with Rachel is that she is conflicted with who she is. I thought they were supposed to have advisors on the show this season? If she comes back it will be as second chance wildcard. D+

Karen Chi-chi Rodriguez - Hero by Mariah Carey: Karen was one of my top picks and I thought she did excellent on this song. It was the right song for her, and she sang it beautifully, both English and Spanish. Her voice is like Spin Blend... smooth and creamy! A

Lauren Turner Overdrive - Seven Day Fool by Etta James: Great song choice--congratulations! It's not so hard is it? Lips said it best when he said it was a complete sentence. Lauren can go far if she is consistent. Great range and great tone. A-

Ashton Kutcher Jones - Love All Over Me by Monica: Big hair, big voice, big shoes, lots of attitude and confidence. Not sure I like the song, but she sure did. It was decent, but I'm on the fence with this one. B+

Julio Godzilla - Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson: DOH! Biting off a little more than can be chewed, I'd say. Miss South America might be packing her bags after this mess. It just lacked the oomph that Kelly put in it. No comparison. It sort of came off like good karaoke. Disappointment #2, as she was also an early favorite. She still has great shoes and fashion sense! C+

Haley Rhinefardt - Fallin by Alicia Keys: Decent song choice, but I felt that she overdramatized it with the slinky movements and a few too many growls. Probably what killed it for me was toward the end, she was sounding like a kitten on helium. Bobby Brady said it best, when he quipped, "Baby talk, baby talk, it's a wonder you can walk." B-

Thia Tequila Megia - Out Here on My Own by Irene Cara: Wow, just wow. Are you effin' kidding me? 15 years old and THIS. WAS. AWESOME. Started with a ghostly acapella that erupted into full blown perfection. It was brave and could have backfired in a big way, but she blew the doors off this performance. A

Lorne Michaels Alaina - Turn on the Radio by Reba McEntire: Good rockin' country song. Very good for a 16 year old, but I know she can do better. I bet she can sing this in her sleep. It was a little safe for me for her. Lorne has received a lot of airplay, so she may be "the anointed one" like in every other season. She will have to pull all stops. B+

Pia Tabasco - I'll Stand by You by The Pretenders: Great song, great hair. She sung pretty decent overall, but smoked it in the end (in a good way). I mentioned her as a fave with Karen and she didn't disappoint. A-

So there ya have it... I would say that the girls did about as well as the guys. I actually thought they should have done much better, but Julio and Zebrafeeder exercised poor decision-making skills by picking facepalm-inducing song choices.

Rankings for Girls:

Thia Tequila
Karen Rodriquez
Pia Tuscodero
Lauren Turner
Lauren Alaina
Naima Roboto
Ashton Kutcher Jones
Kendra Chandelier
Haley Rhinestone
Julio Gorilla
Tarantula Wilson
Rachel Zebeneezer

For the Top 5, I am going to go with that same top five as listed above, and for the #6 Wildcard, I will predict last place Rachel or Naima Roboto get in. The show NEEDS a quirky girl like Rachel and the judges know it. Chalk it up to an off-night.

And lastly I'd like to thank Randy for keepin' it real. WOOF WOOF


OUT

Sap, Crap and Roll

We are going LIVE folks. No more bullcrap editing and hiding behind commercials and promos. It's time to be exposed for the contenders and pretenders that they are. It's the TOP TWELVE boys so let the whacking and packing commence!

By the way, when I say "whacking", I mean cutting, like "cut from the show..." ok never mind.

In any event, like any other intro to the show, Seakrust has to show us how cool the new stage setup is. Thanks Ryan. It looks remarkably the same as last season, and the season before, and so on. But enough about that peanut head. Not wasting any time, it's time to bring out the competition.

First up is...

June Cleaver Gamboni - Superstition by Stevie Wonder: First of all, this is another song that has been done to death... Please retire it. Googly eyed McGoo gets up there and looks like a Karaoke star on PCP and HGH. He is flapping all over the place like a chicken with aviator goggles. Vocally, it's not horrible, but then again, this guy is on my sh*t list. B

Jovanny Musk Soprano - I'll Be by I have no effin idea: Shipbuilder/Lawyer/Mobster/Accountant picks a great song to get into the next level. A sucky, slow song that no one knows. Nice pick Gilligan. See ya on the dock Luigi! Lips and J-LOWW had it wrong and thankfully Randy pulled them out of the dark by saying what everyone else was thinking. D

Jordan Dorksy - OMG by Usher - This was utterly unlistenable and stunk up the whole stage. This song and performance reached new heights of suck-ness and I couldn't be happier. See ya @sshat! Jordan was the guy that thought he was better than everyone else, and he gets my lowest score of the night and a ticket home. F

NOTE: If you remember my last article, I had as my villains the first three performers last night, and IN ORDER. Back to the guys...

Tim Scalperin Halperin - Come on Over? by I have no freakin clue: C'mon Tim, what the F are you doing man? Tim may have blown his chance by choosing an unknown song that doesn't really even highlight his talents. WASTE! Very disappointing considering he was a fave after Hollywood week. He sang well, but totally forgettable. Meh... C

Brute "Tonight let it be" Lowenstern - Light My Fire by The Doors: Our little mighty red apple is the little choochoo that could. It started out a little weak and fragile like him, but he got into the groove and finished strong like OAK. Love the intonations too.... Light my Fi-YAHHH! Yah you little good luck troll! B

The artist formerly known as Lambert 2.0, James Homerun Durbin - Another Thing Comin by Judas Priest: Holy sh*t, a Priest song on American Idol... I never thought I'd see the day! I am a HUGE Priest fan and have seen them live a zillion times and have all their cds. Rob Halford is an incredible vocalist, and Durbin did him proud. AWESOME, just AWESOME! Yes I'm a metalhead and damn proud of it! :) A

Rowdy Robby Rosen, AKA Kevin Myers, AKA Thomas Ian Nicholas from American Pie - Angel by Sara McLaughlin: Sorry american pie guy, Tara Reid is a HO but this is just weak sauce on top of cream of weak. It was as if a keebler elf was yodeling and whining simultaneously. Thankfully Randy had it right again. Randy is keeping the other two judges in check, because they have been off on a couple so far. C-

Scott McHowdyDoody - Letter From Home by country/western guy: Yah he looks like Howdy Doody and Opie from Andy Griffith. But the voice is great for country, which I am not a fan of, but his range is incredible. If he ever does Johnny Cash, I will be pleased--now that's real country! I hated the song, but he nailed it... B+

Stefano's Pizzeria Langone - Just the Way You Are by Billy Goat: Is this Stefano, or Joey from Friends? I can't tell them apart to be honest. Another sappy ballad to get the crowd buzzing. Well it wasn't for me, but at least it was unique, unlike Jovanny Musk. I think he sounds a lot like Bearhair David Archuleta--almost identical to be honest. It's just aight... B-

RuPaul McDonald - Maggie May by Rod Stewart: Great song choice and it suited his voice to a T... RuPaul has great tone and wonderful rasp and the berries to sing a Rod Stewart song. Not only that, but this guy has a wonderful grin and his teeth are like peppermint chiclets. My only criticism was of that concierge jacket he had on... what up with that??? A-

Jacob's Ladder Luskmelon - A House is Not a Home by Luther Vandross: Smooth as mayonnaise, but tons of range and hitting all kinds of hard to reach notes. No denying this man has incredible talent. What's going to keep him from going on is song choice and dipping into the well of "over-singing" too often. It will be interesting to follow this dude. A

Casey Honest Abrams - Put a Spell on You by CCR: First of all, Casey is lucky to be there, as he was hospitalized with stomach "issues." Putting this guy last was genius. You know he's going to bring something crazy and unique, but performed well too. His snarling rendition of this song was performed with wolf-like tenacity. Ok, I made that up, but wolves are probably fairly tenacious, right??? His facial tics and growls just put icing on the cake. A

Rankings

James Durbin
Casey Abrams
Jacob Lusk
Paul McDonald
Scotty McHowdy
Bret Lowenstern
Stefano Langone
Jun Cleaver Gambone
Tim Halperin
Robby Rosen
Jovanny Shipwreck
Jordan Dorksy

So I guess only 5 get voted through and one get called back as a wildcard. Here is my prediction:

My Top 5 as listed above... AND, AND, AND...... Tim Halperin. Tim needs all the Halp he can get. Honestly, he hosed himself last night, but I think the judges will give him another shot.

Tonight the ladies are going to blow the doors off the HOUSE!!!


OUT

Tears, Steers and Adam Lambert 2.0

The Top 24 have been chosen so let the games begin! Both two hour shows were very well done, especially the first night. I believe this is the first season that we got to see this much behind the scenes shenanigans. From that mean old wicked vocal coach to perpetual town cryer Allison's absurd wedding. However, the meat and potatoes of the show was in the last ditch solo performances to give them one final opportunity to show the judges who's best (in an airplane hangar of all places). Then the long and winding walk, which looked like it was about two football field lengths.

I gotta say, I've been pleasantly surprised by the show, as I was pretty close to wringing my hands and snorting "harumphhh" to it last season. Steven Tyler is a fresh of breath air and vice versa. Jenny "down the block" has been sincere and emotionally vested in the performers. Even the old DAWG himself seems to have something other than "it's just aight for me" to say. Let's face it, the chemistry between the judges (and SeaKrust) last season was absent, and yet filled with malice. Cowell was mailing in his efforts and his criticisms were ill-tempered and flaccid. Once the live shows began, Ellen UnGenerous was like a deer in headlice. Kara just wanted to flirt with Casey, and Jackson was just a Jackass.

So here we go with a fresh new season, fresh judges and fresh ingredients. Papa John's Idol! I digest. Everything about the show is better. The performers, collectively, even the 15 yr olds, are oodles better than ghosts of seasons' past. I already mentioned the judges--nuff said. Seakrust's head seems to be getting smaller, or perhaps some of the chowder in his head has left his cranium.

Enough about the production, what about the talent? Gobs of it, let's just hope the right ones go through week to week. This is another area that had me itchin' to cut the ties to the show the last few seasons. This idea of vote for the worst is ludicrous, but has enough momentum to actually impact the results. The producers need to take that foolishness serious and do something about the voting. That said, from what I can tell, the top 24 are solid, not a weak one in the bunch. There were many cuts that didn't seem to make any sense, but when you look at the 24, what can ya do?

Once they start performing live, we'll see how they do on TV, in front of millions. We'll also see about those song choices, which have historically haunted many a contender. The ability to perform live, pick good songs and make them original will again be the lifeline to the next week.

So who's got what it takes to finish strong? I got some ideas, I got favorites (for now)... I admit sometimes I latch on to one too early, and they end up sucking or pissing me off. This season, I think a girl is going to win it. There are so many standouts. Julie Zorilla (the gal from South America with awesome shoes) has the look and the sound to be the next Carrie Underwood (without the country twang). She did the piano duet for Beatles night with Tim Halperin. Karen Rodriquez and Pia Toscano (they did the Can't Buy Me Love duet) look and sound like seasoned professionals already.

The guys are a mixed bag of nuts, but my fave has to be... CASEY ABRAMS! Yes, the standup-bass-playin, mop-headed guy who looks like a cross between Seth Rogan and Cookie Monster. He's a nut like Graylor Hicks with a voice like David Cook. Then there's Lambert 2.0 James Durbin with insane range. Tim Halperin, the guy I mentioned doing the piano duet above, and King of Beards Paul McDonald are also contenders.



I've already picked my goatskis for this season. The Goatski is the person or people that for some reason, I want to see fail. This season it is Karoake Clint June Cleaver Gamboa. Maybe it's the designer glasses that look like 1920s aviator goggles, or his snobbery towards stout little JC . Also among this list is Jersey Shore reject and Shipbuilder Jovanny Barreto. His ego is bigger than Snooki's hair. Am I watching Idol or the Sopranos? And finally, Jordan Dorsey. His overconfidence and delusions of grandeur put him in with the other blowhards who left early. Not one Idol winner has ever been over-the-top egotistical. They have all started with humble beginnings and I don't see that changing anytime soon.

As the shows were finishing up this week, I can't help feeling a little verglempt about the Chris Medina story. This is the guy who has remained committed to his wheelchair-bound fiance through thick and thin. It was tough on the judges to say NO, especially JelLO who was an emotional wreck. Something tells me that this guy is going to end up okay.

Another season of Idol is upon us, and I gotta start making up nicknames, so my work is cut out for me as you see the list of contenders below... Saddle up for a fun ride!

WOMEN

1.Naima Adedapo
2.Lauren Alaina
3.Kendra Campbell
4.Ashthon Jones
5.Thia Megia
6.Haley Reinhart
7.Karen Rodriguez
8.Pia Toscano
9.Lauren Turner
10.Tatynisa Wilson
11.Rachel Zevita
12.Julie Zorilla

MEN

1.Casey Abrams
2.Jovany Barreto
3.Jordan Dorsey
4.James Durbin
5.Clint Jun Gamboa
6.Tim Halperin
7.Stefano Langone
8.Brett Loewenstern
9.Jacob Lusk
10.Scotty McCreery
11.Paul McDonald
12.Robbie Rosen

OUT

Breakin’ the Chains

A few months ago, the local paper ran a series of stories about the state of locally owned restaurants in Cedar Rapids. With the downtown area being a ghost of its former self, the threat was imminent that locally owned restaurants were in danger of closing down. The lack of traffic and advertising crunches put these businesses at serious risk.

However, the articles also chimed in on how the national chain restaurants were thriving and continuing to do good business. Was this due to the economies of scale, in which product was purchased for cheap in throngs? Was it because most chains have prime locations and national advertising dollars to market the business? Or is it because the food and service are actually superior?




I have been to most chain and local restaurants in the Cedar Rapids area and I can say that my experiences have been all over the map in each venue. There are chains I will not set foot in, and there are local restaurants that have lost my interest as well. I consider only two criteria when I ask myself, “Would I go back to this place?”

Food and Service

Simple as that, really. If a restaurant consistently serves a quality product that tastes great and is prepared as the customer expects, that restaurant will keep customers and gain new ones. That is, provided that the SERVICE that goes along with it is better than average. Most chains have decent food at decent prices, and sometimes, their service is pretty darn good. There are some chains, however, that have horrible service, despite their delusions in thinking they offer a “WOW” experience.




For a local restaurant owner to thrive, they must embrace the highest quality service possible and instill this into each person on staff. From the Assistant Manager to the busboy. Complacency will lose you more customers than you can imagine as bad word of mouth far exceeds good. It is very difficult to rebound in this poisoned environment as advertising dollars just aren’t in the cards.

The bottom line is that I believe local residents would LOVE to support local restaurants and would do so enthusiastically if their experiences were consistently a cut above the chains. I will pay an extra few dollars for a real “wow” experience and not some gimmicky, commercialized funhouse with average food and servers that would rather be on smoke break then serve customers.

For local businesses to thrive, we all have to do our part. If you give us a reason to come, we will be there.

The Big Ten – Legends and Losers

2010 was a landmark year for football in the Big Ten. Not only did the Big Ten seduce the big red corn machine Nebraska to join the conference, but also decided to add a new look complete with gimmicky conference names. The abrupt and premature monikers for the conference were “Legends” and “Leaders.” The names were universally panned by fans and critics alike. Recent polls that came out after the fact told the story: 90% Disapproval.

Now I don’t claim to be a marketing guru, but shouldn’t some research have been done prior to boldly claiming what the conference names are going to be? Too late, and the only damage control to be done is to stick your tail between your legs, admit the mistake and do it over. In this case, that is what Big Ten commissioner Jim Delany is planning on doing.




Perhaps Jim should also look into firing the marketing firm that came up with the new Big Ten logo as well. It says “Big Ten” in the colors of white and sky blue. Wow. I’m sure some serious creativity was afoot in those offices. I’m sure the millions spent on the marketing firm went to good use as some intern spent 30 seconds whipping that bad boy up.

Creative and marketing blunders aside, the Big Ten can still boast a superior product on the field, right? I mean having eight out of 11 teams make bowl games this season is an amazing feat, isn’t it? Not when only one out of the top five Big Ten teams wins. The Ohio State University saved what would have been a colossal conference flopfest as it won its game vs. Arkansas.




Wisconsin, who bullied and badgered its way to the top of the conference and a Rose Bowl berth caved in when punched in the mouth by TCU. Michigan lost by 38 points to a Mississippi State team that barely scored 38 points all season. And a one-loss Michigan State team took it in the shorts and lost by 42 points to Alabama (that’s six touchdowns, folks).

The Big Ten went OH for FIVE on New Year’s Day and the left the league’s reputation in tatters again, even after last year’s strong showing. No amount of marketing is going to fix this, other than “just win, baby.”

The Big Ten needs to step up its efforts carefully in establishing a new image this next season. Not only in marketing its brand, but in how the teams handle the opposition in Bowl games. Because at the end of the day, the bowls are what you are playing for.

Dude Sounds Like a Lady

It's Ladies Night part 2 tonight, and wait a freakin minute... Butterteeth got sick and had to go to the hospital and so the guys are swapping nights with them! I wonder what happened to Crystal Bowersox that required hospitalization, perhaps one of her hemp braids got caught in the sinkerator?

So here we go with the guys--let's hope they account for themselves better than last week's debacle. I see that Ellen has switched positions with the Count of Pitchiness. That is good since Ellen needs help identifying good from bad.

Without further ado, lets' gettyon!

Mikey "Big Dump" Lynche - Man's World: Don't make Mikey mad, you wouldn't like Mikey when he's mad... The incredible Bulk starts off the show right by improving on his performance from last week--Could this be the men's night??? Good start. A- BTW, he was curling Aaron Kelly like he was a blow up doll.

John Trailer Park - Gravity: Nice shirt, did Simon lend that to you? Look here, captain Gleeclub, it’s STILL about song choice and you EPIC failed again. Another boring snoozer of a song, it was quite ungood. D

Casey James Kasem - I Don't Want to Be: Taking on a song that everyone and their dog has done is a risky proposal. However, he shred on the electric twanger and sang the song capably. Not great, but better than expected. Kara went out of her way to distance herself from beefboy by going over the top with her criticism. B+

Alex Sacrificial Lambert - Everybody Knows: Great song choice and if it wasn't for some nerves, it would have been gee whiz terrific. Quit hiding behind that mullet and come out of that shell, boy! I kind of like the cut of this kid's jib... B

Fraud-rick Hall - What's Love Got to Do with it: Ugh, ugh, ugh... Hideous rendition of this worn-out Tina Turner unclassic. What is he thinking, folks? He is not understanding what the judges are looking for, but it aint him! C-

Chowmaine Sellers - What's Goin On: Here's what's goin on. 1. You look like Ed Grimley with your fro-paux and bowtie. 2. Your singing consists of a merciless non-stop assault of jibberish. He has more runs than an ExLax convention bathroom. This guy needs to leave NOW. D-

Blandrew Garcia - You Give Me Something: What the EFF happened to this guy? He was one of my early favorites and he has already hit the wall at week 2??? I am horribly disappointed here. He needs to pull his head, complete with Harry Carry's glasses out his rear and sing something cool and interesting like he used to. C

Enron Kelli - My Girl: My Girl, my schmirrl... Hey, way to stay current there, eyebrow wax! Cute kid, and easily curlable (ask big Mike). However, his vibrato was laced with traces of goat, OR he was singing while sitting on a giant washing machine. But he's cute, so he's safe. D+

Tim Urban Renewal - Come on Get Higher: He came back improved from the humiliating performance he gave last week and somehow he got on Simon's good side. I still thought it was like musical oatmeal, but he may squeak by again. C

Lee Dungarees Duweez - Lips of an Angel: This guy has a great voice, ready for rock radio, but he needs to work on some pitch problems. Still, the raw talent is there and so far, he is picking the best songs for his voice. Nice job tough guy! A-

So it looks like only two good performances bookshelfing eight mediocre ones. This one should be easy to rank:


1. Mikey Lynche

2. Lee Dungeness

3. Casey Kasem

4. Alex Lambchop

5. Blandrew Garcia

6. Tim Urbana

7. Fraudrick Hall

8. Enron Kelly

9. John Gorky Park

10. Chowmaine Sellers

In my mind, this should be an easy booting of both John and Chowmaine. They were both in my bottom groupings last week, so freakin' get rid of them already!!! If America surprises us by keeping one of them, it will probably be at the expense of Tim Sub-Urban.

Stay tuned for tonight's chicktastic night of screeches and bad song decisions!


OUT