Girls suckin' in the 70's

I was really looking forward to last night's performances, it being 70's week and all. However, with the exception of two performers, it was a catastrophic calamity. The girls didn't bring it at all, and once again (I sound like a freaking broken record), it comes down to making the right decisions on song choice.

The most memorable thing about last night's show was seeing one of my favorite contestants completely and totally self-implode on stage. It may have been one of the worst Top 24 performances in the history of the show. Of course, you guessed it--I am referring to Amanda Bachman Turner Overmeyer. Nurse rocket looked more like Lilian from the Munsters--the hair was both appalling and cadaverous. Was this American Idol, or Elvira--Mistress of the Dead?

I believe Carly the Leprechaun Smithson has put herself in the driver seat for the women. The other girls will have to do some serious soul-searching if they want to stay in it!

Now enough of that introductory drivel--on to the clown parade!

1. Carly Simon Smithereenson: The wild Irish bartender took on Ann Wilson and did a pretty masterful job. Great song choice and solid performance---it could be a good night for the ladies!

2. Cyanide Mercado: Her baby imitation was the highlight of her night. The song was indulgent, but came across as boring. Maybe go back to acting and picking up sea shells.

3. Babbling Brooke White: Blondie is a beauty school dropout---sweet. Judging by that sad haircut to her husband, it's probably a good thing. Great song choice as she covered Carly Simon's Your So Vain, and then she sung it to Simon---brilliant! Good performance and the guitar playing was nice.

4. Romulan Lullaby: The little smurf wore baseball pants AGAIN, but wasn't anywhere near as good as she was last week. She is still a contender I think, but needs to kick some @ss next week or she'll be in trouble.

5. Kung Pao Kristy: Tomboy torture. Kristy ho-hummed us a non-challenging song that literally gave us NOTHING to remember. Very boring and as dull as Simon's fashion sense. She will need to focus on country to stick around.

6. Elvira Frankenstein: Back to Lilian Munster: Not sure who is helping her with song choices and hearing her auditions, but they should be forced to drink paint. This was a disaster of epic proportions and that is too bad because I was rooting for her. I am still reeling from this macabre mayhem. When did they hire Tim Burton as makeup and hair artist?

7. Ahh-laina Underwood Jr.: Did an old Grease song by Olivie Fig Newton John. It was just aight with me dog. I think she is very talented, but she was kind of all over the map on this one. Sometimes too soft, sometimes too loud. Not WOWED.

8. Alex And Ray Ahhh Lush Ing Ton: The song was lame then, and is still lame now. How did she come to pick this bowzer of a song? And who dressed her last night? Canteen boy? Those cargo shorts were a goofy eyesore. The night is turning into a big disappointment.

9. Katty Mall-Annoy: She needs to just start imitating people again, because her own voice is wickedly flaccid. I've heard field mice sing better than this. She should just stick to standup comedy and/or opera. This competition is way too big for her. I think she's gone this time.

10. Asia "don't call me fant-asia" Schwepperson: Took on a huge song and got it partially right, but not right enough. I still like her and think if she gets the song choices right, she could go a long way.

All in all, a very disappointing 90 minutes of mediocrity. Ricky and band are shaking their heads after last night. They could have been home doing laundry or cleaning tile or something more constructive. Carly and Brooke get tonight's honors, the rest need to get a clue or leave with some dignity.

Rankings for last night:

1. Carlee O'McSmithson
2. Brooke Babbler

Tie between:

3. Fant Asia
4. Romulean
5. Alame-ah
6. Alexand Ray A
7. Slowesha
8. King Pao Kristy

Bottom Feeders:

9. Katty M'Annoy
10. Elvira Munster

I think it will for sure be Katty, but not convinced we've seen the last of Nurse Noose. Slowesha Mercotto and KungFu Kristy might fall as well. What do you think?

OUT

Golden Arch-Uletas

Folks, there's a yute movement (What's a Yute?) going on at American Idol Inc... And its name is David Archuleta. The 17 year old young'un blew by the competition in a tepid 70's night ho-down. His landslide victory serves notice to the other yahoos that they better get their sh*t together. This group has great potential, but once again, I say it comes down to song choice. The 70's decade of music should have given the competitors a great selection to choose from, but from top to bottom, it had the sonic equivalent of mayonnaise pie.

Now on to the individual doofus parade:

1. Outback Mike: The aussie tennis god sung Fleetwood Mac. It was not his best and his high notes were excruciating. He will be safe, but needs to pick up his game.

2. Dreadlock Castro: Put your hair and your guitar away and sing something memorable man!!! Dreds arguably has the most amount of talent on the show but as kind, medicated Paula said, he needs to sing it to bring it.

3. "Luke, I'm your FATHER" Menard: McStubbly is in an Acupuncture Boy Band. His high pitched wails and nashing of his 5 o'clock shadow won him no points with me, or the judges. Although Queen is a tough song to mimic, he version was merely annoying.

4 Poser Robbie Carrotglow: The judges still think he is a fake rocker. I'm not sure what to think, but he did a pretty vanilla version of Foreigner's Hot Blooded. He did not blow me away, and as a so-called rocker, ya gotta do just that.

5. Fruity Norieggnog: Another talented voice picking the wrong song for 2 weeks in a row. He/she thought about it wayyyy too much and it came across as tortured and grotessque. I was scraping cheese from my TV screen after this loony tune. His reactions to the judges are classic and hilarious.

6. Daisy Hernandez: Daisy used to be a gymnast in his past life. I thought this guy was toast after last week, but he redeemed himself with his performance. I am not really familiar with that song, but he sold it. Now, what the he11 is up with the hoodie and black blazer combination??

7. Skunky Yeagerbomb: Very vapid remake of the Doobies. I can't see him sticking around, but WTF do I know? His hammy theatrics and stage movement reminded me of a 6th Grade play. This was a stinker.

8. Chik-fil-a Eze: Another redemption last night as Chicko-stick did a very decent job on "I believe". I think the jury is still out however, and he is by no means safe. Also, he argues with Simon, which is never a good thing.

9. Crossword Cook: The scruffy-headed rocker is the real deal when it comes to rockin the house. However, he has the personality of an hemorraging disc. Just cuz you're a word nerd, doesn't mean you have to be a rude dude with a 'tude. And if you want to stay in the race, STOP arguing with Simon!!! DOLT!

10. The Golden Boy: Aww shucks, what's not to like about this kid? He is polite, kind, humble, respectful and loaded with talent. That makes him an anomaly in my book. His rendition of Lennon was moving and masterful. Archuleta for President!

So there ya have it---the bar has been set by "da kid". Good luck to the rest of you, because you will need it. I am hoping next week is 80's week (seems to be the pattern) and let's hope and pray no one picks a disco or latin song. I will choke anyone who sings "conga" or "rhythm's gonna get ya". Pick the right songs kids!

Rankings for this week:

Golden Arch
Daisy Hernandez
Crossword Cook
Chick-Fil-A Eze
Aussie Mike
Dreadlock Castro
Poser Carrico
Danny Norry Eggnog
Luke Save big $ at Menard
Jason Yeagermeister

If Skunky Yeager and Mcstubble Menard last another week, I am screaming conspiracy! However, Danny Eggnog and Chik Fleezy are not safe either.

Barbies on Barbituates

The Top 12 women performed last night, and had a high bar to reach due to the solid performances by the guys. Unfortunately, they failed to deliver anything other than mediocrity. Oh sure, there were a few good ones, but most ranged from dopey to mopey.

One of the first things I noticed about our ladies, was the Barbie Doll syndrome. The resemblance to super models and magazine covergirls was pretty significant. Not a big fan of the performers that get by on looks, and I think we have a few that meet that criteria.

Again, it was 60's Night, and to me, most of the songs were insipid ballads that seemed to last 10 minutes each. Overall, a show that was dull and about as exciting as shortbread cookies.

On to the prom queens:

1. Karate Kristy Cook: Yawn... very boring, safe and unforgettable. Barbie 1 was a one trick pony in the prelims, relying on Amazing Grace TWICE to get to where she is. Someone give her some money to buy her horsey back.

2. Ernest Borgninella: The "plus size" model (I didn't make this up--those are her words!). I'm afraid that I really despised this song and her voice was pretty feeble last night. Not sure she'll stick around...

3. Alaina Underwood JR. Whitaker: Carrie's little sister, so that makes her Scout, right? She just turned 17, but turned in a solid performance. Finally, a Barbie that can sing--thank you!

4. Amanda Bachman Turner Overmyer: The Nurse Ratchet-Rocker kicked some @ss with that rock piece. Although, I didn't really care for the vocal performance, I think she will get by this time. She took a big risk, especially with that horrendous "scattin" attack. Please, never again!!!

5. Amy Ann B Davis: How can I f**k that name up? She had a nice, velvety delivery of a very boring song. I think her voice is fantastic, but song choice may doom her this early, which is unfortunate. Cripes people, don't you understand by now??? SONG CHOICE!

6. Babbling Brooke White: Giddy Brooke is an enigma on this show, which is why she must survive. I don't think the voice or performance was outstanding, but she has a great attitude and adds an eclectic slice to the Idol pie.

7. Alex ANDREA Lushingtonbirminghamtonson: Too many frickin' syllables in that name and Ryan Sea-crushed it into oblivion. She set his @ss straight though.. I was expecting some mundane Gladys or Arethra number, but was pleasantly surprised by the vocal and actually very impressed with the performance. Props to you!

8. Kadyshack Malloy, aka Barbie 3, The Britney impersonator was absolutely anemic with that lazy performance. If she didn't resemble Carmen Elektra, she would be immediately forgotten and kicked out immediately. Good riddance I say! When will the internet photos appear??? haha!

9. Southeast Asia'h Epperson: My bar is set high for her, so the performance was somewhat disappointing, but only because I expect her to be a Top 5 contender. It was still pretty good!

10. Schlemiel Malakar: Huge things come in small packages. This little smurf was very impressive and is growing on me. My only criticism? That she was wearing baseball pants.

11. Slushy Merrcado: You can tell this girl got a whole lotta attitude! This will either help her or hurt her. Eventually, she will get on the wrong people's nerves (I give her 2 more shows, and I'll be on my last). She is a great performer and singer--but so was Stephanie at this point last year...

12. Curly Tattoothson: Lots of pressure to be the best--Simon Scowl didn't make it easy on her, but I think he gets on the really good ones once in a while to keep them motivated. I thought she was fantabulous, and probably has the best pure singing voice on the show. Song choices will determine her fate! This song was kinda weird BTW---never heard of it!

All in all, not horrible, but not real conversation-piece worthy either. Not really caring that much for anyone at this point, so losing two tonight will not make me wallow in the mire.

Top 12 gals for 60's Night:

Schlemiel Malokar
Alaina Underwood Jr.
AsiaH Epp
Curly Smithson
Alexandretta Lush
Slushy Mercado
Nurse Rocket
Ann B Davis
Babbling Brooke
Kung Fu Kristy
Ernest Joanne Borgnine
Kadyshack Mall-annoy

Kady and Joanne should go home based on last night, but something tells me that poor little Ann B Davis might be returning to maid duties for the Bradys.

Stay tuned!

OUT.

Boys came to Conquer

Last night's Idol show featured the top 12 boys doing 60's Night. Here we go again with the themes. Theme nights would not be so bad if the singers would mix it up and do something creative with the material. The theme thing works in that it weeds the non-creative, non-original singers out. It's just hard to sit through the ones who are just mimicking the oldies.

That being said, I thought overall, last night's show was pretty durn good for the first night. There were really no stinky performances and a few exceptional ones! How the he11 am I going to make fun of these guys if they are all good??? I'll find a way...

First of all, although time consuming, it was pretty cool to get a glimpse of the performers before they went out to sing. Some of the guys that I didn't know from Adam were shown, and they all got a fair shake of airtime. I hate sitting there saying to myself, "who the f*** is this guy?" At least now I know who the dude who is getting belittled and insulted and what his background is.

Without further ado, your top 12...

1. David Speedy Hernandez: Wasn't too bad, but the song was boring and slow. It was forgettable, as Simon Scowl likes to say a lot.

2. McCheesy Easymac: All I can remember is that tomato soup colored suit and how blahhh this was. I really hated this song and the performance... Then he argued with Charcoal shirt man for an uncomfortably long time. You are on the chop block, Cheezy!!!

3. Dave TwoTone Cook: The redhead rocker provided some spark finally. Unfortunately, he ended his song on a whimpy note. He's safe.

4. Skunkboy Jason Yeager was next--thanks a lot for the sapfest PePe. Good gawd, that had more syrup than a Waffle House.
5. Rockin Robbie Carrico: The one true rocker out of the guys did a fine job on Three Dog Night's "One." This stood out for me, but then again, I am biased. He is Bo Bice with a beard and stocking cap.

6. Davey Boy Archuleta: Is this kid for real--he is a bundle of youth and infectious enthusiasm. He is both giddy and silly, but boy, the kid can sing! Great job ya little whippersnapper! He even made a Cap N Tenille song sound decent!!!

7. Danjaya Noriega: This guy takes the cake as far as attitude goes and his sass is just FABULOUSSSSS!!!! I think he is much more talented than Sandorka, but the song may have been the wrong one. I think he will stick around, at least for entertainment purposes.

8. McStubble Luke "save big money at" Menard: That song and performance was about as flat as warm Milwaukees Best. This was the lamest and most forgettable song of the night. Too bad for him because he is a good singer. FOOL!!!

9. Coldsore Berry: The little engine who couldn't. This was the blond kid who went head to head with Harry Potter at the end of Hollyweird week. Another tame performance, but it wasn't horrible.

10. Leif Garret Jackie Earl Haley Scarnato: Another hobbit doing karaoke. He looks like Barry Manilow and Robert Plant's long lost little brother. The song was slow and tender like roast turkey, but forgot the gravy!

11. Dreadlock Fidel Castro: Could be this year's Blake,but instead of beat boxing, he has the guitar and the voice vibrato to add to his game. Pretty good performance and kept it interesting.

12. Outback Mike Johns: Best for last? Perhaps, and it was good, but probably not his best performance--I think he has potential to do much better. I'm willing to bet he has bronchitis or pneumonia. He still did better than most regardless of his health.

Overall, pretty good first night for the dudes. Nothing was really bad, and there were a lot of good ones. Even the slow, sappy, forgettable songs were sung well.

Ratings for 60's Night:

Davey Boy Archuleta
Dreadlock Castro
Rocker Carrico
Outback Mike
TwoTone Cook
Speedy Hernandez
Skunkboy Yeager
Danjaya Noriega
Leif Garret
Colt45 Berry
McStubble Menard
Mayor McChezee

Voted off the island: I think McCheese will get another shot. So that leaves McStubble and either Speedy, Skunky or Colt45 as the other one.

Girls wrap coming up later!

OUT

Hollyweird Week: Instruments of Torture

Two nights ago was the beginning of the ever-lovin Hollywood week. This week is grueling and angst-ridden for most of the contestants. This is where we separate the pretentious from the contentious, and in some cases, contagious.

Before we get to the final 24, I must address the first night's show. It was really, really good. I hate saying that because it is more fun to ridicule and spray my sarcastic babble around. Last year's Hollywood show was pure and utter crap! We didn't really get to know anyone, and it was rushed. This season, we got two full hours and lots of personal stuff, as well as many performances. We skipped the Group performance debauchery as well.

It was pretty easy to see who are finalists would be by how much they showcased certain individuals. The G-Rated Blondie was the first to go and she was on TV more than 90% of the others. Same with Nurse Joplin and Blue-tongue Tattoo girl. For the guys, it was Josiah the crying faucet boy, Two-Tone hair guy, that creepy Antonio Banderas wannabe who was trying to hit on all the ladies (and Ryan). There was also that silly Harry Potter meets Clay Aiken dude with the tie. Let's not forget Kristy Lee Cook, the kick-boxin, calf-stompin, horse-chasin, girl (who already has or had a major record deal). The camera was sure in love with her!

The point is that the top 24, or at least most of them got the lion's share of the press.

Back to some of these performances... The first thing that struck me was the allowance of instruments. I can understand keyboards or a guitar IF, and I mean IF it can be pulled off. However, this one dingus had the bright idea of bringing a huge set of drums to play on while singing. "Animal" from the Muppet show is turning in his grave after that impotent performance. Talk about a dopey decision! There was another guy who brought his guitar and strummed it once, and it sounded like a broken dehumidifier. DUMBA$$!

The other knucklehead that I will not miss seeing again is that greasy haired molester from Venezuela who thought he was trying out for Desperado, Part Duex. His Bryan Adams karaoke was horror for my ears. And his smoochin all the females made me want to wash my TV screen with bleach. I heard his breath stunk of onions and socks.

Ok, let's cut the crap and get to the Top 24 show. As I mentioned, no surprises really. The only thing that irritated me other than all the sappy crying, was that there were about 4 dudes who made the top 24 that I have NO recollection of seeing or hearing... EVER. This is the A.I. producer's Kiss of Deth! People who don't get any air time prior to the finals are usually taking a dirt nap before the Top 12 starts. I don't expect that trend to change. So there's Dippy Dredlok, Skunkboy, McStubbly, and Hairy Twinklefoot. Who the he11 are these freaking guys??? Why did I have to endure Harry Potter and the Goblet of Dorkness all this time? And that Josiah kid who arguably had the most camera time EVER--well he got the boot back to his car. What was the point of that? Speaking of Josiah, man he really screwed the pooch on that last song---what the f*** were you thinking son??? It's probably a good thing he is going home--he was the next Scumjaya Malokar.

In any event, like I said, no surprises. My early favorites are: the Aussie who sang Bohemian Rhapsody, the 2-Tone hair boy who sang Bryan Adams (cripes--who DIDN'T?), Amanda the Rockin Nurse, Asia Epperson, and Tattoo-Girl.

My darkhorse is that little blond kid who beat Harry Potter at the end--I think he could sneak up on people.

The Haley Scarnato "I get by on my looks" award goes to Kung Fu Kristy Cook and the Scudjaya "I suck @ss" award will most likely go to that flatulent Danny Noriega.

I just hope that after five seasons, the contestants FINALLY understand how important song choice is. Let's also pray for no DISCO or LATIN nights. PLEASE......

OUT

No Time for Idolatry

It has become America’s biggest and boldest TV spectacle over the last five years. It is recession-proof, and the fact that porous content and quality doesn’t seem to phase it is jaw-dropping. I am talking about the colossal and commodious enigma that is American Idol.

At the time of this writing, the Hollywood rounds have just ended and we are at the Top 50. I can probably predict who most of those 10 are just by noticing who the producers and judges are primping, preening and sheening.

The cameras are constantly badgering the same handful of people. Gosh, I feel like I know poor Josiah, the kid who lives out of his car. Or Asia, the girl who lost her dad two days before the preliminary auditions. Then there’s Carly, the girl with the killer voice and tattoos.

Other notable characters are the Rock N Roll Nurse who rides a Harley and the dippy wannabe politician who looks like the offspring of Harry Potter and Clay Aiken. Could he be the next Chris Daughtry? I think not—let’s try the next Sanjaya, that silly little pony-hawked nincompoop from last season.

One person you will NOT see later this season is the annoying, pretentious dance team leader. If you ask me, she was more than ready for the cold, hard slap of a humility haymaker. Her copious amount of overconfidence was her undoing. Thank you judges for passing on this preening teen!

Another pseudo-singer that will smell the feet of defeat is that one guy with the nasally, whiny boy-band voice. It is both razor-thin and displeasing. I haven’t seen or heard him yet, but there is one EVERY season. Good riddance to you, Nostril-damus

You know, it is fun to take potshots at the immovable object that is A.I. However, would we really want it any other way? If every single finalist or top 24 were brimming with talent, would the show still be fun or exciting to watch? Probably not. My goodness, what would I write about and what would we wax about around the water cooler?

American Idol works because it is not perfect—it is flawed, unfair and gets it wrong some of the time. Perhaps the reason Idol is the number one show in America, is that we can all see a little piece of our imperfect little selves in this giant A.I. mirror of society.

American Idol: Nurse Rocks Atlanta

The last auditions for Idol are in Atlanta, Ryan Seacrust's home town. His parents show up and he is dismissively polite to them, as if he is horrified to see them there, or just embarrassed because he is such a HUGE celebrity.

There were a couple good performances, some whacky ones and a couple that were honestly memorable due to extenuating circumstances.

The good: Ok, Captain Glass comes in and says he will throw his glass tools away if he makes it. He gets up and freaks the judges out with his bush baby eyes. Looks like he may have to sing backwards the rest of the way if he is to make it. Personally, I thought his Freddy Mercury impersonation was pretty spot on.

Then there was the bubble-head blond dairy princess from south Florida. She has some ego, but her voice is pretty good. I don't think she will be a finalist, and I look forward to her getting the boot and her overstuffed self esteem brought down to earth.

The best contestant for me by far, is the Harley-ridin nurse. Love the raspy vocals and the fact she is a rocker. She also seems level-headed and has a great attitude (she is happy either as a singer or still being a nurse). Good for her for not crying that "this is all I want to be, blah, blah, blah..." I thought she was great, and who knows, maybe the female Chris Daughtry?

The BAD: Ok, the guy who was 2 spots in front of Carrie Underwood was absolutely horrendous. How does one NOT improve after three years. Stop trying out for cripes sakes! I can't wait for this guy to turn 29 so we don't ever have to see or hear him again. In fact, let's place him and the Statue of Liberty guy on the island where the LOST people are and maybe they will stay LOST.

The girl who fell down--just bad, and not funny. After three weeks of these silly auditions, these acts get a little loathsome.

And finally, the guy who wanted to be a sm@rt@ss to Simon. He had bedroom voice, to go along with his bed head. Yo dude, you ever hear of a comb? The guy was a mouthy punk and his comebacks to Simon Scowl were flaccid at best.

And lastly, there were a couple performances that were quite memorable due to the singer's surrounding circumstances. There was the girl who's dad had just passed away in a car accident two days prior to the audition. I can't believe she was there, smiling and auditioning. I don't think she is quite over the shock yet, to be honest. But she was good and I hope she goes a long way.

What a fitting end to a show---to have a poor guy who is living out of his car.... literally. Poor Josiah (maybe his name should have been Job). His parents must be extremely happy to be finding out that he is indeed NOT living with friends, as per his past explanation to them. How can you not root for a guy like this---is this really happening??? Where does he wash his hair? It looks much too fresh and clean to have that "just work up in my car" look. I bet he uses "New Car Smell" spray as aftershave. In any event, his voice was somewhat goat-yodeling, but it was pretty good. He makes it to Hollywood! Perhaps he will get an upgrade and live in the back of a limo now.

All in all, quite a subdued audition--nothing really exciting, but then again, I am ready for the Hollywood rounds and grow weary of these cheesefest auditions. Bring on the talent!

Until next time...

OUT

American Idol: Miami Broken Sound Machine

Before we get to Miami, let's discuss the Oma-blah auditions. My first impression was that it was surprisingly not bad! There were even a couple Iowans who made it to the next level!

One major difference between "talent" from the midwest verses talent from the coasts, is that us midwesterners KNOW if we are strange or unusual, whereas that freakshow Friedas on the coasts are just absolutely NUTS, and think they are normal.

Now, on to the circus...

The first guy in Omaha is an example of what happens when you mix heroine, caffeine and prozac. His screeching, howling rendition of Kelly's Since You've Been Gone caused my windows to shatter. However, it must have did something for the judges because they are going to get him a gig on the red carpet for the finals. I can't wait! NOT.

Then there was the arm-wrestling chick, who resembled a yodling goat. Nice try there, Swiss Miss! Grab a ricola and call me next year! She about tore Paula's arm off, and made it to Hollywood by intimidating the judges.

Speaking of intimidation, that beastly female wrestler was downright frightful (although I did like the laugh).

As far as good stuff goes, Iowa showed up folks! The first Iowan was a guy from a farm - gee, really? Go figure... In any event, he forgot the d@mn words not once but thrice! I was shocked they let him continue, but he did fine on the 4th attempt. If he forgets his lyrics again, he is Iowa milquetoast.

Then there were a couple ok performers, but also forgettable. From what I did remember, there were two more notable performers:

1. The rocker guy with the 2 tone hair color. He did a Bon Jovi song and he drilled it. Mark my words!!! he will be a top 24, if not higher contestant.

2. Iowa guy #2 who sang "A Song for You". Again, I see a dude who might make it to the finals. However, I was a little unclear about his reference to queen/princess. Isn't this something you keep to yourself, at least for now? Three words for ya... T M I


Now on to the Miami Fright Machine:

Just looking at the crowd before the show, I knew there would be chaos and kookiness. I was somewhat encouraged, however, when the first contestant was introduced. A nice looking, normal girl for once! ANGH!!!! Sorry, folks, but this girl is a meat-carving, belching, boisterous beasty. What the he11 was up with that gaseous outburst of guttural grotesquerie?

On with the show...

The two portly female friends were freaking hilarious--initially I thought they would both suck and then yell at the judges. However, they both rocked! And we all know Simon the sly dog, loves the larger ladies--they had it made!

Next on the memorable chart is Antonio BanderASS junior. His accent as think as his eyebrows. Paula said yes, but only because she wants to pull a Corey Clark on him. Perhaps Paula should go back on her meds again? Anyway, his singing was as Simon put it, "it would sound good if you were drunk." He will get the boot early and often in Hollywood.

To be honest, there wasn't a lot of good stuff in Miami--it was a crapfest from start to finish with a few sprinkles of good.

The single mom did pretty good and I hope she does well in the competition. That just about sums up the good performers in Miami. Pretty sad, eh?

Probably the most unforgettable segment on the show was that spoiled rotten bratty former Junior Idol Julie. Her precociousness went beyond the borders of obnoxiousness and reckless delusions of grandeur. Her parents should be slapped and forced to drink paint for raising a daughter like that. Even when her mom tried to comfort her, she pushed her away. I could not have been happier then when the judges (all 3!) told her to hit the pavement.

And lastly, that mentally deranged young go-getter with the white suit and hat combo. This is why we have security guards, folks. His act was so flaccid, the judges all but got up and left.

Overall, this week's auditions blew technicolor chunks of ridiculousness. My favorites so far are the 2 guys from Omaha (listed above).

We have a record 4th week of auditions next week kids... strap it on cuz we're going to Freaklanta!!



OUT

American Idol: Idiots on Display

This week's Idol episodes have left a lot to be desired. Clearly, the producers are counting on the Jerry Springer rejects to help carry the show, and this week proved that in spades. Surely there must be two screening processes: One for the people who can actually sing, and one for the lunatic parade. There is no way on earth that some of these whacky hacks would come close to having any singing talent. They are there to get their 15 minutes of shame.

San Diego was a compete waste of time--can you remember any good singers? I cannot. Unfortunately, all I remember is that frazzled hair, long finger-nailed goofstick with the giant Idol fan. Not only did we have to painfully endure that sad-sack pathetic attempt at singing, but we had to put up with a 10 minute "human dis-interest" story on this flubberhead. It was not entertaining in the least. If they are going to bring that kind of element on the show, at least throw some good insults at them. And what the he11 was up with that homemade song?

The other notable from San Diego was that silly delusional girl who thinks she is better than Mariah Carey. Better at what? Snorting crack? It was more like Harry Carey as her pitched wails made nails on chalkboards sound like relaxation music. My dogs' ears and gums were bleeding from that sirenesque warbling.

Then there was the gomer pile who's auditioned 11 times. Last year he dressed up like the statue of liberty. Was this his Oedipus-rex mother's idea or his? At least he actually tried this time around, and he wasn't BAD. It wasn't good either, so see ya next year fruitcake. Why don'tcha leave your mommy behind this time---she needs to quit stalking her own son.

The only two good ones I remember now were the the Vocal Chord Kid and the Irish Tatoo lady. I hope they both run away from the disaster that was San Diego Idol--good luck kids!

South Carolina, come on down!!! You have been chosen to be a contestant on Nutcase Idol!!! Ok, SC was not as bad as SD, but it still left a sour taste in my ears. There was some entertainment value to be had here as a girl from Kellie Pickles the Clown's town was making an appearance. She was sassy in a good way. Unfortunately, it was a no-go. There was the "black Clay Aiken" guy. I closed my eyes and listened to him and he did sound like he was achin.

I was somewhat surprised that the brother/sister combo did as well as they did. They were funny too. Goofier than he11, but funny and entertaining. This is more like it. Then the fun was abruptly halted by that little punky "dance team" leader. I agree with Simon--she is annoying. She also preaches abstinence--whatever. I predict she will end up in prison some day for prostitution.

Air Force Amy who sung Black Velvet got ripped off in my opinion. I thought she did well and brought a different style to the competition, but the judges just didn't get it. They also said no to the guy who just had a baby. His name was Oliver Hymen. What an unfortunate name--what were his parents thinking? He has a cousin named Stew Padasso and an aunt named Ilene Dover.

The most memorable "appearance" on the show had to be Urethra Codner and her orbs. Who dresses these people? It was like she was smuggling pony kegs in that shocking blue globe-tube. Did you see Paula's reaction? Then there was that other whiny guy who seemed to actually believe he was good enough to move on and he was atrocious. These people who argue with the judges crack me up--like they will change their mind--he's Simon f****ing Cowell man!!!

The final shock to me was that next week's show will be in Oma-freaking-ha. Are you kidding me? What a dump! I've been to Omaha. It's a couple malls surrounded by cornfields. I look forward to the hucking fuskers laying down some wicked Nebraska tunes. Wednesday's auditions will be held in Williamsburg in the Arby's parking lot. Can't wait!!!!

OUT

American Idol: American Sideshow Part 1

Is it me, or were there more freaks than usual on Idol last night? The Idol freight train stopped off in in Freakadelphia and picked up its fair share of circus clowns, mentally disturbed inbreeders and the socially challenged. Of course, this is what makes the show the success that it is!

I must admit I was fooled by the first performer--the guy who dropped all that weight... He was actually pretty good, at least compared to the other punch-drunk monkeys on that night. There seemed to be no in-between in Philly. We had a few good performers and we had a bunch of knuckleheads. There wasn't really anyone on the fence here. I, however, think that at least two ladies were ripped off and should have been voted on to Hollywood.

Angry Glitterface: She did a pretty serviceable Grace Slick impersonation, that was better than about any other Grace Slick impersonation I've seen or heard. But since she is a bit nutty and looks like Willem DaFoe, she gets the boot. I think she has a strong career in "actressing" waiting for her though--she'll be fine.

AND

Princess Leia: May the FARCE be with you. What the he11 was wrong with her performance? It was as good or better than the Graylor Hicks backup singer that got voted through. YAWN--these backup singers make NyQuil seem more like Red Bull.

Other notables: The Century 21 real estate agent who sings REALLY LOW!!! Can this man hear his own voice? How can you take that seriously? Also the Paula stalker who made up the song about if he was Columbo, he would Peter Faulk her. If she was a bathtub, he would caulk her. That was awesome!!!! And some of these names---I think the parents are more screwed up than the kids! Temptress??? Are you effing kidding me? I think NOT! And she plays football too! How would you like to be a running back and they announce on the radio that you were taken out by someone named Temptress?

Were there any good singers? Well there was that kickboxing, horse-riding Kristy Lee Cook (who, incidentally has already made a record and put out a video, etc). This contest is for amateurs, right??? If they start bringing in semi-professionals who have records already, I'm not sure I'll be watching much longer!

One of my faves of the night was Beth Stalker (another stalker??). She was the blonde lady who sung Bewitched, Bothered, Beheaded, Bewilderbeast, whatever the he11 that song is called. I thought it was fantastic--Simon Scowl said no, but the other two voted her on. Sometimes that Simon is an idiot.

Overall, it was scary event and I would have hired way more security. There were a lot of bad singers and a few good ones. There was more than enough jack@sses and fruitloops. The guy who wore a cloak, only to reveal a fat, hairy belly-dancing nutjob was another schlub wanting his 15 minutes of fame, and we gave it to him!

Honestly, I don't see a winner coming from this bunch---I hope we never go back to Philly again--it's all CHEESE!!!!

Stay tuned for Part 2 - "Everything is dumber in Texas"

OUT

Premium Baloney

Due to our ever-increasing need to reward ourselves, coupled with our perpetual attempts to escape stress, we are turning to the small luxuries and comforts of this world. Welcome to the “premiumization” of America.

Premiumization, although hard to pronounce the first 50 times, is a reality that will be hitting hard in 2008. Regular stuff is just not cutting it anymore. We deserve better than the run of the mill bottled water. We need bottle water with bling, by golly! New to stores this year folks, is the Bling H2O bottled water, complete with studded Swarovski crystals. In this case, it is just packaging that gets the royal treatment—the water is nothing special. For those not satisfied with the aqua status quo, you will be paying up the wazoo. It’s like Indiana Jones and the Rainforest of Doom—you will be bidding on water that was caught as it falls, never touching the ground. It’s called Tasmanian Rain, a new product from Australia, in which the claim is that the water has NEVER touched the ground. Yah, sure it hasn’t. They have little Tasmanian devils running around in a thunderstorm trying to catch rain in little bottles.

Premium toilet paper, which comes in black, blue, gold, and well, again do we really care about the color of our toilet paper? It might as well be the color of money, cuz that is what is getting flushed down the toilet.

Premium coffee, premium tea, premium chocolate, the list goes on and on. Watch for this trend to continue throughout this year and buyer beware, because it’s a lot of hogwash. With all this premium stuff coming out of the woodwork, manufacturers and vendors are telling us that they’ve been holding back the “good stuff” all these years! Excuse me? All this time, I was drinking filthy water, crappy coffee, tea with cooties and chocolate that was found under a rock!?

In addition, all these restaurant chains are introducing their “premium” menu. “Try our Premium chicken sandwich, made with real white meat!” Well, what the heck was I eating before? Mystery Fowl sandwich made with possum (the other, other white meat)? “Try our new premium salad with real iceberg lettuce and buttermilk ranch!” Well what was wrong with the dumpster lettuce with stale mayonnaise? Did the blue cheese just move?

I feel a little insulted that these premium items are popping up all over now. It is just another marketing ploy to get people to buy more stuff for more money and to fatten up the manufacturer’s margins. I don’t want bling in my water, blue toilet paper and jewel-encrusted chicken salads. If you try to sell me a chocolate truffle that was made with cocoa only found on Neptune or Mars, I’ll tell you to send it to Uranus. (Alternate ending: If you try to sell me a chocolate truffle made with gold dust and silver flakes, don’t bother, unless you have some premium milk from a premium cow, which ate premium hay and blah, blah, blah….