Gaga me with a Spoon

It's Final Four night, but without the basketball players and March Madness hoopla. In fact, the only hoopla is how Lady Gaga's makeup can get any freakier. So the themes tonight are "Inspirational Songs" and some songbook by small balding man in front row. I was thinking that we may be in for a long night if song choice becomes an issue, as it oftentimes does. At this stage of the game, you better be bringing the performance and picking great songs. This, unfortunately, didn't happen.

The night started off promising as we hear that Durbin is going to be doing some Journey as his inspirational number. So here we go...

James "hips" Durbinator - Don't Stop Believin by Journey: It was a matter of time before Durbin did RJAXX a tribute by doing a Journey song and he did this one right. Great performance, including the Journey shirt, tails, lunchbox and video game. Ex-Journey bass player Randy eats it up (along with a lot of pizzas). The judges loved it, the crowd ate it up and James proved that he was back from an ungood performance last week. A

Helly Grindhart - Earth Song by Michael Jackson: Dear lord, Hailey, you either hit it out off the park or you blow yourself up like pop rocks in soda can. This was the latter. The judges were harsh (except Lips, who must be conditioned like the guy in Clockwork Orange to not say or do anything negative). I agree with RJAXX and JLOWW--poor song choice and confusing as to her direction as an artist. Clearly frustated, she talked a little smack back to Randy (not good). I applaud that the song was inspirational to her, but this is a freakin' competition--gotta go for the win baby! C

Scoddy the Botty McQuery - Where Were You When the World Stopped Turning by Hillbilly Jackson: Yukkety Yuk... a song about 9/11. Again, I respect the personal inspiration that Scoddy has from this song, but I personally didn't care for it. Songs that imply that one is not political, are political, and with recent events, this was a golden opportunity to display the old red, white and blue. Smart move by McQuery, but to me, not entertaining and not inspiring. Just sayin! B-

Laurena Bobbit Alaina - Anyway by Martina McBride: Meh... Another snoozer country song that I never heard of. Great dress though--Hey Lauren, Cap'n Jack Sparrow is looking for his wardrobe! Maybe if she would have worn an eye patch, the song would have inspired more. She sang good enough and I think did enough to beat Haley in this round. B

Before Round Two starts, SeaKrust must first embarrass the performers by standing them up like kindergarteners in front of the judges to get an early feel for where they stand. Of course JLOWW and Lips take the high road, but RJAXX hits Haley right in the bread basket with his "3 way tie" remark... Nicely done Chuckles.

Round Two: Songs by the Law Firm of Lieber, Stoller, Cheatem and Howe

To further confuse things, they throw the order of singers out of whack and we start with Haley:

Haley Blackhart - I Who Have Nothing by Edith Pilaf: Rice who? As Haley often does, she slays this song after an earlier misstep. I wasn't sure how this would go after she started, but after digesting the overall performance, I thought it was masterful. For Pete's sakes, Haley, can you not pick two good songs in a row? I'm rooting for Haley to get to the final three, but not convinced that she's done enough overall. A

Scooty McTooty - Young Blood by the Coasters: His banter with Gaga was great and gross at the same time. His performance was silly and borderline clown-like. His insane eye movements coupled with his alligator arms made him look like an escaped inmate from the nut factory. But it was much more fun than his previous number, so I'll give him props for not being boring and dry. B

Cap'n Jack Alaina - Trouble by Elvis: Yes, Miss Wholesome, we know you aren't "really" evil, so just play the role and have some fun. Lauren actually did a sweet job with this song and played it out like she should have. The performance was good and she didn't seem so nervous this time. Her and Haley are going to battle for 3rd place I think after tonight. B+

Hippy James Durbin - Love Potion #9 by Elvis Presley: In the rehearsal, it appeared that this might be Crap Potion #10. However, they turned it into a rock song and Durbin did his thing. Does anyone else notice that Durbin has big-ass hips? At any rate, it was a solid performance, although it got a little weird and indulgent at the end. B+

Rankings for Uninspirational Songs:

Durbin
Lauren
Scoddy
Haley

Rankings for small bald man Songs"

Haley
Durbin
Lauren
Scoddy

Overall, it doesn't matter as I believe that it's a James vs Scotty finale. Lauren or Haley will go home Thursday. I believe that Haley's inconsistency and talking back to the judges will doom her and she will probably be the one who goes. Grizzly Abrams will be waiting with open arms and stinky beard.

At least we don't have to listen to Jakub anymore.


OUT

Jakub Lusk: Not in it to win it

In a new wrinkle on theme nights, the Idol gang gets to sing songs from "then" and "now." Something old, something new, something boring, something blew. We also have dubiously impeccable song advisor Jimmy Bovine and Sheryl Crow to help the kids out in their time of need. The performers get to do two songs each, so unfortunately, we have to listen to Lusk treat our ears to audible waterboarding multiple times

.

According to RJAX, it's time to show whether or not "you are in it to win it." We will hear this phrase on more than once occasion on this night...sigh.

So first up is our resident rock god, King James of Durbinville.

Durbinator: Closer to the Edge by 30 Seconds to Mars - Judging by James' attire, I assumed we would be in store for some hard rockin' metal, but instead Durbin opted for some radio-friendly comtempo-schmaltz to entertain us. Personally, I thought it was his weakest performance to date and didn't care for it at all. It was a bit "pitchy" and lacked authenticity. I am already looking forward to his second song and redemption. B

Jakub Lush: No Air by Jordin Sparks - Man, do I really have to listen to this? Lush has so jumped the shark in this competition, that he is becoming Sanjaya-like. If he makes it to next week, especially after this flaccid and conflicted performance, I will be unshocked and unfazed, but disappointed as hell. C-

Lauren Elaine Bennes: Flat on the Floor by Carrie Fisher Underwood - Not quite Underwood, but dressed to play the part. This was good, but not great. I still think something is holding her back from just flat out killing a song (in a good way). I still think she has a slight confidence issue and is afraid to fail. Although Randy said she is "in it to win it" (ugh), I think she is in it to not lose it. By the way, can someone please throw that fiddler off a roof??? He was bogarting Lauren's camera time with his barbaric stage movements. Fiddler - D- Lauren - B+

Scoddy the Body: Gone by Montgomery Gentry - How about we change that title to "Jakub is GONE by Montgomery Ward." Scoddy is all over the place on this performance, literally. He is using the stage as his personal rodeo grounds and is entertaining as hell for once. The vocal was good, but he got the crowd in a frenzy too. Again, Randy says Scoddy is "in it... blah blah blah... A-

Haley Bravehart: Unreleased song by Lady GaGa - Haley has some balls to take on an unknown song by GaGa but I commend her for it. I disagree with the judges and thought her performance was both technically sound and spirited. Song choice was not the best, but at least she performed it well. B+

DING DING Round TWO!

Dangerous James Durbin: Without You by Harry Nilson - Interesting song choice, but James wants to prove that he is more than just a metalhead. This song obviously has a significant meaning and emotional connection to James, as he can barely get through his audition. On stage live, he shows his softer side and keeps it together until the end. Unlike the other balladeers on the show, James' performance feels real and genuine. Not my favorite from him, but I think it will help him win more votes. B


From Lusk til Dawn: Love Hurts by Nazareth - Since the Nazareth version is the only one I know, that will be my baseline of comparison. You are NO Nazareth, Lusk! Admittedly, this was much better than his first disaster, but was still hard to listen to, just because his voice is now the equivalent of poisonous, carniverous sand leeches. Please be the last we hear of Jakub. C+

Laurena Bobbit Alaina: Unchained Melody by Righteous Bros: Lauren does a nice job here and has moments of greatness, but she is still letting the song own her and not the other way around. This could have been one of those special performances, but will just pass off as pretty good. Sweet prom dress, too! B+

Boot Scottin Scoddy: You Were Always on my Mind by Willie Nelson/Elvis: Guess what folks, Scotty is IN IT TO... yadda yadda yadda. Overall, this was very good, almost great. Scotty is peaking and I am convinced of a James/Scotty finale more than ever. He is also learning not to hold the microphone like a flute, so I will give him a B+

Hail to Rinehart! House of the Rising Sun by the Animals: Thank you Sheryl Crow for some good advice, which is for Haley to begin the song acapella. I wasn't sure how this was going to go, but she kicked the crap out of it and blew me away. Hands down the best performance of the night, and for once I agree with the judges on that. Unfortunately, Haley has been a bottom-dweller for too long and she may be in danger, along with Lush. A

Interesting night, but not my favorite. Most performances were pretty good but only one that was stellar. The worst performance of the night was the frickin' fiddler trying to steal the spotlight from Lauren.

Combined Rankings for THEN AND NOW:

Scoddy the Botty
Haley (yep I said it)
James and Lauren TIED
Jakub Lush

Jakub and Haley will once again be forced to stand together as the bottom two. I hope America gets it right because one of them belongs and other needs to get his ladder and get the hell off the stage.

Na na na na... Na na na na... HEY HEY... GOODBYE JAKUB!!!!


OUT

King Durbin's Crown

Hey everyone! I’m back after being in hiatus for a week… thanks for being patient. I actually finally watched last week’s shows and was glad to see James knock the snot out of the competition and relieved that they finally put Joey out of his misery. I also thought Haley did Adele proud with her rendition of Rolling in the Deep.

Having said that, and then seeing last night’s show, it is clearly Durbin’s competition to lose. He brings something new to the table each week and he executes it with surgeon-like precision. Unlike Jakub who just executes his songs via noose, firing squad, lethal injection, etc.

So we have Carole King night, which I wasn’t all that thrilled about, especially since we’ve already had that theme a few seasons ago, and it was less than memorable. These producers have got to do a better job of coming up with interesting and fresh themes! If they do another “songbook by Dianne Warren,” the Kodak Center may mysteriously burn down to the ground.

And then there were SIX. Once we get rid of Jakub, we will have a legitimate TOP 5, and I will look forward to the next few weeks.

So we start the performances with the gratuitous Jimmy Bovine interventions, along with another guest. First up is none other than Flubberbuns Jakub Lush.

Flubberbuns – Oh Not My Baby: what the hell is that apparatus he’s got on? He looks like Judge Schmails from Caddyshack about to embark on his yacht adventure. B-B-B-Buy Bushwood???? Sorry Jakub, you’ll get nothing and like it. Actually, the song and singing wasn’t as bad or predictable as in previous weeks, but it’s too little, too late. C+

Laurena Bobbit Alaina – Where You Lead: Lauren has been fizzling lately, she seems to have lost some confidence along the way, or her fear of failure is holding her back. However, she was pretty strong last night. Not a big fan of the song, but she performed it adequately. B

Scotty Filet of McCreery – You’ve Got a Friend: Scotty is another one that has been mailing it in lately, but he picked his Alfred E Newman self back up by the bootstraps and put on a good showing. The beginning was especially impressive. Now if he could stop holding the mic like a flute, and continue to improve, he has a good shot. America definitely loves Filet of McCreery. A-

Durbin the Destroyer – Will You Love Me Tomorrow: No metal? No problem. If you can’t see that this kid has all the gifts, then you aint lookin. As JLOWW said last night, he has yet to have a bad night. And I know I am biased, but he’s been at the top of my rankings almost every week. This week is no exception. His acapella intro to this song was sonic smoothness, and when the music came in, he transitioned perfectly without missing a note or beat. He gets better every week. I definitely see the pattern he is following, ala David Cook and Adam Lambert. A

Grizzled Abrams – Hy-Vee-Ho: Shop HyVee, shop HyVee… where there’s a grizzly snarl down every arl! You people not from Iowa won’t get that one. Grizzly going back to his jazz roots again, started off on fire, then he went all mad cow on everyone and was snarling, growling and running around the stage like an angry badger. Overall, it was decent, but I fear he may be in trouble again. B-

Haildamage Rinehart – Beautiful: Haley has made significant strides in getting to where she’s at. She had a slight hiccup 2 weeks ago, but she has been on a tear and picking the right songs. I think she made another good choice last night. Having said that, she will still be bottom 3 again, cuz her fan base keeps switching up on her. Now that she has found her niche, those people will have to come out in droves to keep her around. B+

In order to fill up the 90 minutes, we had duets again. Quite frankly, I would rather have a 60 minute show and sh*tcan the duets now. They are cute on the Thursday show, but I want my 60 minute show back. The seem to keep putting the same ones together too… Well, except for Durbin and Fluffass. That was just bizarre.

Rankings for KING night:

Durbinator
Scotty
Haley
Lauren
Grizzly
Flubber

I will say that Flubber, Grizzly and Haley will be bottom 3. I can’t see Lauren there, she has a bigger fan base than Haley. Let’s cut to the chase, it is TIME to get rid of Jakub and his stentorian wardrobe malfunctions. Please America, please!!!

OUT

Metal Idol Goes Wylde

Tonight on Idol, we were treated to performances that showcased movie tunes. This could have gone sideways, which it did in a couple cases, or it could have kicked some serious @ss which it most definitely did at the end of the show.

But enough about the singing competition... we must first celebrate Jenny down the street's designation as the most beautiful woman in the world. Hat's off to ya, JLOWW!!! Was she not eating that up or what? She was glowing like a neon Schlitz sign at the local pool parlor all night long.
We are also warned again that we must vote for our favorites, or dare suffer the fate of poor Pia Tobasco, who got yanked from the Idol stages long before her time was due. Why? Yes, I was pretty peeved that Pia was presented with pinkslip before the likes of Joey and Jakub, but after I pondered the reasons why America crapped on itself, I figured it out. She did not have a "built-in" audience. The people that vote for Joey and the rest of the younger singers are because Idol's voting system is royally effed up. The tweens and teens are out in full force sending unlimited text votes to the wrong people! Limit voting to 10 votes per voting source, whether it is phone, text or internet. The technology exists! Pia's target audience is what? Guys in bars (according to Lips Tyler) and Pia's family. Sorry, but the chuckleheads in the bars are not voting.

Now, on to the show...

First up is Paul McChiclets - Old Time Rock and Roll by Bob Seger: This was classic Paul. Looking like Bradley Cooper dressed like a magician at a Nursing Home. Same wispy thin voice and the teeth are whiter than liquid paper. The performance was just okay. I keep asking myself why he doesn’t sing any Paul Simon. B

Lauren Elcamino - The Climb by Ciley Myrus: Lauren can just flat out sing anything. If she can make a Hannah Montana Banana song sound decent, then she's alright in my book. Sorry Miley, you just got pwned! A-

Joey Tribiani Langone - End of the Road by Boomerang?: Perhaps it IS the end of the road for Joey. Time to go to "Central Perk" and have a skinny latte with Smelly Cat. Man, I did not see this coming... a ballad. Technically, again, it was good and I can't give him a FAIL, except for the fact that he fails to entertain me. I was not familiar with this song either. B-

Scotty McCountry - The Wrong Song by George Strait: I was BIG TIME disappointed that Scotty chose this yawner over the song he was rehearsing. Why Scotty why? Et tu Scotte? I am still shaking my head because his rehearsal song blew me away and then they tricked us into thinking that was going to be the one! Ugh, this was a letdown for me. B

Grizzly Abrams - Nature Boy by Nat King Coleslaw: This eclectic little ditty will either haunt him forever or sail him through to next week. Tough to call. I am betting that the teens will not be texting millions of votes for our favorite bear. I really admire the originality of this performance, but if the goal is to get votes, this might not be successful. A- (for having the berries to do his own thing)

Hailey Miniskirt - Call Me by Blonsky: The song definitely fits the personality and stage persona to a T. Unfortunately, the singing did not maintain that level of swankiness. The first note was cantankerous, and the rest of the song was good karaoke. Her momentum just hit a wall. Maybe if she wears an even shorter skirt next week (if she makes it), she can keep stealing votes. C+

Jakub Lush - Bridge Over Troubled Water by Simon and Garfunkenstein: Jakub, you are a nice guy with a really big, fluffy @ss. And you have a great voice for large churches. However, your singing is making me want to fill my ears with Elmer’s Glue-All. Holy crap, I really want to like his singing, but I just cannot freaking do it. B-

James Daredevil Durbin - Heavy Metal by Sammy Hagar: And featuring Zach Wylde on guitar. I am so proud of James for standing up for what he believes in and picking dignity and originality over what JIMMY and Capt Autotune wanted him to do. A+ for attitude. James knows who he is and what he can do and he proved it tonight by kicking the living crap out of the competition. Yah I know, I'm a metal guy myself, so I am biased, right? Perhaps, but I think the way the crowd reacted and how the voting goes will prove that this performance was flawless from inception to execution. A

Now that is the way to end the evening. Once again, nothing was horrible, but song choice may come back on a couple of these yahoos.

Rankings for Movie Night:

James Danger Durbin
Lauren Alkaline
Grizzly Abrams
Paul McSqueaky
Scotty McCreaky
Joey McTribiani
Jakub McLush
Hailey McReinskirt

My bottom 3, NOT based on my rankings, but based on how America votes (idiots), is Hailey, Joey and Grizzly Abrams. I'm afraid that Grizzly might be going home because the risk he took to do his own thing may have cost him. Which is unfortunate.

Next week I am out of pocket, so an article may or may not be coming. I will be locked in a dungeon on the east coast for a week with no TV. I will try to "youtube" the show and hopefully squeak something out for y'all...


OUT

Rock and Dull Hall of Fame

Tonight's theme is the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and "all the greats." Gwen Stefani shows up for about two seconds, then disappears into the night. Steven Tyler is wearing the technicolor yawn shirt and RJAX is sportin' the Hefty cinch sack jacket. And of course, the King of Autotune, Will I. Aint is here to offer advice.

Lots of rock influence so far! No, not really. I should have figured that the rockin would be at a miniscule level when the performers all came out in dresses and black ties.

Naturally, the most rocking of the bunch is leading off tonight...

Jacob Lush - Man in the Mirror by Michael Jackson: Sung 600 times before, here we go. Yah that's just rockin baby! Not! It's not Anti-rock night, Jake! Prancing around in his white marshmallow man suit. Just meh... B- F for sticking to the theme.

Hailey Blackhart - Piece of my Heart by Janis Joplin: Thank you for sticking to the genre--this was good, the kind of song Hailey should be doing consistently. Don't look now, but she's making a run. A-

Grizzly Abrams - Have you ever seen the Rain by CCR: Captain F Bomb bringin' the big old bass. Good song choice and performance. Well done, you little bearded freak. A-

Lauren Alabama - Natural Woman by Arethra Franklin: Is that Kelly Clarkson? Not quite rock and roll, but she makes every song she sings better than the originals. Lauren will be around for a while. A-

Dangerous James Durbin - While My Guitar Gently Weeps by George Harrison: Big risk by the only true rocker the show has... Not the usual Dis-durbin performance, but he brought a contemporary edge to it. Still got his high note in at the end and showed his softer side. A-

Scotty McChucky - That's Alright Mama by Elvis: Can Scotty beam us up a rock song? The Denim Phenom was out of his element a bit, but it was entertaining nonetheless. Not great, but it was fun, like a Dr. Demento song or chucking rocks at trains. B

Pia Tobasco - River Deep Mountain High by Tina Turner: Pia gotta get pissed off! She should be pissed at whoever picked out that sloppy jumpsuit she wore. Really? Her @ss was swimming in that cotton trainwreck. Still, a pretty powerful performance and out of her comfort zone. A

Stephanie Joey Tribiani - When a Man Loves a Woman by Percy Sledge: Now that is a rockin' song! No, it wasn't. His high parts were whimpy, the rest of the song was a little over-indulgent. Simon would have ripped this. Sometimes a little Simon goes a long way. B-

Paul McBleachedteeth - Fulsom Prison Blues by Johnny Cash: Good song choice. Paul's feathery light scratchy voice fits this song just right. Nice job. A

It's funny how no matter what the theme is, we keep hearing the same songs and performers going out of their way to "massage" the genre to their own strengths. The best singers are the ones who will stay true to the genre, put their own spin on it, and pick good songs. The actual singing tonight was collectively pretty good on a technical level.

How do we evaluate performance when all the singers are proficient? Well eff it, I'll do it for ya!

Rankings for Rock and Meh Night: Gosh darn it, I don't know who to put up here, so I'm going by originality and the ability to not annoy the crap out of me:

Pia Tobasco

Paul McCloseUp

Turbo Durbin

Grizzy Abrams

Lauren Alabama

Hailey Blackhart

Scotty McCracken

Joey Tribbles and Bits

Jacob Lush

Some will protest my putting Jacob at the bottom, and that is okay. I can't apologize for a song has been overdone by many, and it wasn't even close to rock and roll. It also wasn't that challenging for him. Same for Joey. Just a handful of lameness and "been there, done that."

Bottom Three??? Tough call. I would like to see one trick pony Jacob and ballad-boy Joey there. The third spot may go to Denture-boy Paul again. I want to see Paul stay alive, so hopefully he'll get a comfy seat on the couch.

Next week, we get a one second visit from Fergie and useless advice from Hanna Montana. I'm starting to miss Simon.

OUT

The Resurrection of Grizzly Abrams

Tonight is Sir Elton John night. The man with the fabulous spectacles and flamboyant attire. And then we see Ryan Seakrust come out with hat hair. What, no faux hawk action tonight, Ryan? Man, I hope someone bangs out Crocodile Rock tonight, or will we be subjected to a plethora of ballads? Also good to see Grizzly Abrams back in the game. Holy crap, did he about soil his beard with sick sauce? I think the judges made the right choice in saving him--he just needs to quite scaring the sh*t out of America with the carniverous canine antics.

In other news, we lose two people tomorrow night. I hope everyone got on their horns and voted, if this competition has any meaning for you. I didn't. HAHA--just kidding...

So here we go.. nothing new here, but the contestants are doing some sort of modeling nonsense and doing the usual interviews with Jimmy Bovine (sans hood). Auditions sound good so far. First up is:

Scotty McChuckwagon - Country Comfort: Not a whole lot of range tonight, playing it pretty safe. Sang it well, but it bored me to a trail of tears. B-

Naima Addsomepepper - I'm Still Standing: the only thing she has in common with Sir Elton is the matching teeth. This Jamaican jabberwocky had me expecting John Candy to come out with the bobsled team. Fairly average, not much going on here, and kind of weird. C

Paul McDentures - Rocket Man: Has the flower coat and pants on. Paul, you're scarin the customers again... Song was soft and fluffy like a flower-printed bounce sheet. Perhaps bring the skinny jeans again. Nothing special here, folks. C+

Pia Tobasco - Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me: Another ballad... Although Clay Aiken will never be topped on this song, she did a solid job. However, she showed some hot sauce by going against the judge's advise to not do a ballad this week. Pia's response, "Screw You, Chuckleheads!" It was good, but c'mon get out of your freakin comfort zone! B

Steffanograph Joey Tribiani - Tiny Dancer: Bear Hair Boy bandish version, nothing to write home about. This was good karoake at best. Nice kiss-up to the judges at the end. Chandler gives it a C and Ross an A- cuz Ross is a weinie. B-

Lauren Alabama - Candle in the Wind: Another ballad, but she blew it out of the water. No wind could blow out her candle tonight. First song tonight that made me take notice, and apparently Lips's notice as well, but for other "various" reasons. A

Delirious James Durbin - Saturday Night's Allright for Fighting: Great showmanship, loves the crowd and attention. Strong finish, the guy knows how to perform. What else can be said? Yah, the hair thing is somewhat corny, but the show NEEDS James. A

Thia Tequila - Daniel: Pretty sleepy and loungey. Feel like I'm at the most depressing wedding reception ever. It wasn't horrible, it was just safe and had the scent of watered down vanilla pudding pops... C+

Grizzly Abrams - You're Song: We got ourselves a cleaned up Grizzly bear! I bet when he was done performing, he found a nice big mud pit to swim around in. In any event, both the look and the sound were right on, and he should be back with a vengeance. A-

Jacob Lush - Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word: I'm sorry that I had to hear this song. Any resemblance of Elton John was wiped off the planet. No offense to Jacob personally, but I am just not a fan of his style. I was happiest when this song was over. Meh... B-

Hailey Blackhart - Benny and the Jets: I actually liked this. Hailey has some spunk and we finally get to hear something not slower than frozen tar. She still likes puttin on the moves, but the song choice and performance were all in line. I would give her a straight A, but her "sssssss' sounds at the end of Jetssssss was a bit distracting. A-

Once again, not too many bowzer performances, with the exception of Naima's Jamaican mudslide. Where is Sanjaya Malodork and Pen Salesman and Goat Girl? Clearly, the judges did a good job of picking a top 12, but it makes my job of hurling insults much more difficult.

Rankings for Elton Night:

Lauren Alabama

James Durbin

Hailey Blackhart

Grizzly Abrams

Pia Tuscodero

Scotty McChuckwagon

Jacob Lush

Paul McPepsodent

Thia Tequila

Joey Tribiani

Naima Addapaprika

As far as bottom three and voting, well America just proved that they are a bunch of chowderheads with their feeble voting results last week. I am going to guess that Naima and Joey are bottom-dwellers along with Thia. However, I wouldn't be shocked to see Pauly McTrident there either.

So long Naima and Joey!

Stay tuned for next week when we have Olivia Newton John night and Seacrust comes out with pink Xanadu suit.

OUT

Mo, Larry and Curlytown

Welcome to the Motormouth City. One of the theme nights that are consistently consistent each season has invaded our TVs once again. Don't get me wrong, I do respect Motown and its storied history, but my gosh, do we have to have it every stinkin' season? One of the thing that twists my niblets about Motown night is that it seems the same songs are done over and over again. Tonight was no exception.

I see that JLOWW has lent Lips her faux-leopard print blouse. RAWR Steven...
So here we go. I do have a miniscule bit of a better attitude this time around, as the competition is better than years past. Especially when we start with...

Grizzly Abrams - Heard it through the Grapevine by Marvin Gaye/CCR and about 14 other contestants. Slick hair, but still wearing that bird habitat on his face. At least trim that thing down bro! So about the performance, hey did he just point to a guy and call him "honey?" It was good, but his pants were too loose. However, the performance was tight! A-

I see that Aerosmith guitarist Brad Whitford in the house--or is that Doctor Johnny Fever from WKRP?

Thia Tequila - Heatwave. Gee, we haven’t heard that one before (ugh) Olson Twins doing backup again... This tepid performance was pretty karaoke, nothing special. She seemed a little uncomfortable and seemed to forget some lyrics. The Jugheads, I mean judges were too easy on her I thought. B-

J Peterman Lusk - You're all I Need by Marvin Gaye: I was hoping that it didn't have more runs than my granny's pantyhose. Not as bad as last week. Is that Danny Aiello playing bass? No, it's Harvey Keitel. This was an improvement from last week, but not as great as Randy said it was... And what's with the hugs??? B

Alauren Alaina - Keep me Hangin on by the Supremes: Sweet beginning then tight transition to a more up-tempo finish. Great song choice and another fun performance from Aliena Laurena. A

Joey Tribiani (Steffano) - Nice plate of leftovers there Tony Danza. Where the hell is Judith Light to kick some @ss? Hello by Lionking Richie? Another ballad, yawn...A little dramatic and sappy, but executed efficiently... Good comments from the judges finally--he's a good ballad singer, but he's going through the motions. Smelly Cat does NOT approve! B-

Gordon Ramsey in the house--You DONKEY!! How cool would it be if he had been picked to be a judge, even for one night--he makes Simon look like Richard Simmons. New show concept: Hell's Auditions.

Hailey Rainstorm - You Really got a hold on me by Smokey Robinson: Hailey once again relies heavily on her sultry moves and "camera-friendly" postures. Voice was a little all over the place, but at least it was interesting. Nice growl by Lips which gets an A. Hailey's growling gets a solid B

Beam me up Scotty McCrazy - For Once in my Life: The kid can shoot some hoops, and as for his performance, he made it his own. Alfred E. Neuman knows how to use his voice for different genres. Nicely played at the end, even with the cheesy facial gestures. His stock continues to rise despite the goofiness... A-

Pia Tuscadero - All in Love is Fair: Pia is awesome, but another ballad? It was very dramatic and she hit the high notes. Don't love the song, but she sang the crap out of it. As JLOWW said, we need to see her own the stage and step out of the concrete overshoes. Agree with RJAX--sing something up-tempo you silly lady! A-

Denty McDonald - Tracks of my Tears by Smokey the Bear: Is he wearing skinny jeans again? Maybe a jacket with dragons should be next? Hey Paul, you're scarin' the customers! The guitar is bigger than he is, literally. Oh hello Olson Twins again. It was just alright Cougars unite--vote for Paul! B

Noxzema Adedapo - Dancin in the Street by Van Halen (haha-I wish)... that is one hell of a pair of bellbottoms. Did she hide some little circus clowns in there? Didn't love the song. Disagree with the judges--they're being too nice. the dancing was something you might see on America's Got Talons. The voice was average at best. C+

Dangerous James Durbin - Livin for the City by Stevie Wonder: Gettin the money spot tonight, but not really needing it as he once again outsmoked the competition. He made it original and rocked it out. Durbin has all the ingredients to take this competition to the end. Did you hear how loudly RJAX got booed when he started off with some criticism? A

Alright, alright, who wins the evening? Although it was yet another Motown night, this one was better than the last few. No one really sucked, and there were a couple of inspired performances.

Rankings for the Night:

Turbo Durbin
Laurena Bobbit Alaina
Scotty E Neuman
Grizzly Abrams
Pia Tuscadero
Topol McDonald
Jacob Lusky #7
Hailey Rhinestrong
Joey Tribiani
Thia Tequila
Noxzema Addpepper

Well unfortunately for Naima and Hailey, I think they are in danger of being in the bottom, along with perhaps a surprise, like maybe Casey or Paul. Thia may be also in danger, as she has been slipping.

So long Naima, it's been good to know ye!

I swear if next week is disco week, I am going to hunt down Jimmy Bovine or whatever the hell his name is and tear his hood off his permanently attached sweatshirt.

OUT