Wake up (before you go-go) McStubbly!

Last night, we were treated with sonic abuse as the boys ripped into the 80's genre with the power of tofu. I was an 80's kid, so I was really looking forward to what the lads would perform. To sum it up succinctly, I wasn't lovin the song choices. There were two notably good performances and the rest of them reached the impressive levels of "blah" or "yadda". In fact, they didn't even deserve the other 2 blahs, or yaddas.

One other thing that I must point out is that Paula Abdullah Oblongata was completely whacked out on Meth last night. Her non-stop bumbling buffoonery set the bar for setting the English language back 8000 years when Cave dwellers went around saying "oomph" and "bwokk" She studdered and stammered and ranted nonsensically after every performance. Am I the only one to notice?

Ok, so let's talk 80's music...

1. Puke Menard: How much longer can Helium-boy last? His girly-man rendition of an already wussy song made me want to hurl. If McStubbly lasts another week, I will pull my eyelid hair out.

2. Golden Archuleta: Although the vocal performance was impressive and near flawless, I must agree with Simon Scowl that his song choices are in danger of getting depressing. Need to lighten up Archie!!!

3. Fanny Norigaya: Fanny-boy, let's just face it, he is from an alternative lifestyle (nothing wrong with that). But I think he flaunts it quite profusely with his nutty hand and body language and the way he vents and whines. His version of Tainted Love was tainted, and I didn't love it. I do think he has good vocals, but his song choices are cheesy.

4. Chippendale Hernandez: David, as recently reported, used to be a stripper (see pic below). I look at him, and think... what kind of paint or stain? In any event, his full frontal onslaught of a song I never heard of was plain jane at best. YAWN....

5. Outback Mike J: Not sure what happened to this guy, but I would not put him as an early favorite anymore. Great song choice, but his high notes, like last week, bordered on yelling and not tuned very well.

6. Dave "short order" Cook: After the little attitude adjustment from last week (don't argue with Simon), Cookie Crisp is back with a vengeance adding some welcome rough edges to Lionel Ritchie. And it worked like a freakin charm. Best of the night, easily. Hands down.

7. Deathlok Castro: The Dred Patrol will be in full force when Jason gets closer to the Finals. As I've said earlier on, this guy is a huge talent (like Blake from last year). He is artistically the best in the competition. If he can keep tossing musical curveballs and do them well, he will go a ways.

8. Chickezie McNugget: After the last two guys went, this performance was as empty as Paula's head. Absolutely boring and irrelevant. Gary Coleman v2 has toned down the attitude, but could if be too late? I have no desire to see or hear any more of his whiny soul atrocities.

As I mentioned earlier, only two singers made a positive impact on me... Cookie and Dred-boy. The rest of the bunch need to bring their game next week because they are all mired in the middle of the pack (except Puke Save Big Money at Menard). He is a goner.

Ratings for this week:

1. Short Order Cook
2. Deathlock Castro
3. Golden Archuleta
4. Outback Mike
5. Chip'nStrip Hernandez
6. Fanny Norigaya
7. McChicken Eze
8. Puke Menard

Predictions: Last week, America got it WAY wrong with the ladies. Vote for the Worst is at it again. However, I don't think anything will save Puke Home Depot this time. The other dude going home SHOULD be McWheezy Eze, but I got a feeler that says America will surprise us again.

OUT

Girls suckin' in the 70's

I was really looking forward to last night's performances, it being 70's week and all. However, with the exception of two performers, it was a catastrophic calamity. The girls didn't bring it at all, and once again (I sound like a freaking broken record), it comes down to making the right decisions on song choice.

The most memorable thing about last night's show was seeing one of my favorite contestants completely and totally self-implode on stage. It may have been one of the worst Top 24 performances in the history of the show. Of course, you guessed it--I am referring to Amanda Bachman Turner Overmeyer. Nurse rocket looked more like Lilian from the Munsters--the hair was both appalling and cadaverous. Was this American Idol, or Elvira--Mistress of the Dead?

I believe Carly the Leprechaun Smithson has put herself in the driver seat for the women. The other girls will have to do some serious soul-searching if they want to stay in it!

Now enough of that introductory drivel--on to the clown parade!

1. Carly Simon Smithereenson: The wild Irish bartender took on Ann Wilson and did a pretty masterful job. Great song choice and solid performance---it could be a good night for the ladies!

2. Cyanide Mercado: Her baby imitation was the highlight of her night. The song was indulgent, but came across as boring. Maybe go back to acting and picking up sea shells.

3. Babbling Brooke White: Blondie is a beauty school dropout---sweet. Judging by that sad haircut to her husband, it's probably a good thing. Great song choice as she covered Carly Simon's Your So Vain, and then she sung it to Simon---brilliant! Good performance and the guitar playing was nice.

4. Romulan Lullaby: The little smurf wore baseball pants AGAIN, but wasn't anywhere near as good as she was last week. She is still a contender I think, but needs to kick some @ss next week or she'll be in trouble.

5. Kung Pao Kristy: Tomboy torture. Kristy ho-hummed us a non-challenging song that literally gave us NOTHING to remember. Very boring and as dull as Simon's fashion sense. She will need to focus on country to stick around.

6. Elvira Frankenstein: Back to Lilian Munster: Not sure who is helping her with song choices and hearing her auditions, but they should be forced to drink paint. This was a disaster of epic proportions and that is too bad because I was rooting for her. I am still reeling from this macabre mayhem. When did they hire Tim Burton as makeup and hair artist?

7. Ahh-laina Underwood Jr.: Did an old Grease song by Olivie Fig Newton John. It was just aight with me dog. I think she is very talented, but she was kind of all over the map on this one. Sometimes too soft, sometimes too loud. Not WOWED.

8. Alex And Ray Ahhh Lush Ing Ton: The song was lame then, and is still lame now. How did she come to pick this bowzer of a song? And who dressed her last night? Canteen boy? Those cargo shorts were a goofy eyesore. The night is turning into a big disappointment.

9. Katty Mall-Annoy: She needs to just start imitating people again, because her own voice is wickedly flaccid. I've heard field mice sing better than this. She should just stick to standup comedy and/or opera. This competition is way too big for her. I think she's gone this time.

10. Asia "don't call me fant-asia" Schwepperson: Took on a huge song and got it partially right, but not right enough. I still like her and think if she gets the song choices right, she could go a long way.

All in all, a very disappointing 90 minutes of mediocrity. Ricky and band are shaking their heads after last night. They could have been home doing laundry or cleaning tile or something more constructive. Carly and Brooke get tonight's honors, the rest need to get a clue or leave with some dignity.

Rankings for last night:

1. Carlee O'McSmithson
2. Brooke Babbler

Tie between:

3. Fant Asia
4. Romulean
5. Alame-ah
6. Alexand Ray A
7. Slowesha
8. King Pao Kristy

Bottom Feeders:

9. Katty M'Annoy
10. Elvira Munster

I think it will for sure be Katty, but not convinced we've seen the last of Nurse Noose. Slowesha Mercotto and KungFu Kristy might fall as well. What do you think?

OUT

Golden Arch-Uletas

Folks, there's a yute movement (What's a Yute?) going on at American Idol Inc... And its name is David Archuleta. The 17 year old young'un blew by the competition in a tepid 70's night ho-down. His landslide victory serves notice to the other yahoos that they better get their sh*t together. This group has great potential, but once again, I say it comes down to song choice. The 70's decade of music should have given the competitors a great selection to choose from, but from top to bottom, it had the sonic equivalent of mayonnaise pie.

Now on to the individual doofus parade:

1. Outback Mike: The aussie tennis god sung Fleetwood Mac. It was not his best and his high notes were excruciating. He will be safe, but needs to pick up his game.

2. Dreadlock Castro: Put your hair and your guitar away and sing something memorable man!!! Dreds arguably has the most amount of talent on the show but as kind, medicated Paula said, he needs to sing it to bring it.

3. "Luke, I'm your FATHER" Menard: McStubbly is in an Acupuncture Boy Band. His high pitched wails and nashing of his 5 o'clock shadow won him no points with me, or the judges. Although Queen is a tough song to mimic, he version was merely annoying.

4 Poser Robbie Carrotglow: The judges still think he is a fake rocker. I'm not sure what to think, but he did a pretty vanilla version of Foreigner's Hot Blooded. He did not blow me away, and as a so-called rocker, ya gotta do just that.

5. Fruity Norieggnog: Another talented voice picking the wrong song for 2 weeks in a row. He/she thought about it wayyyy too much and it came across as tortured and grotessque. I was scraping cheese from my TV screen after this loony tune. His reactions to the judges are classic and hilarious.

6. Daisy Hernandez: Daisy used to be a gymnast in his past life. I thought this guy was toast after last week, but he redeemed himself with his performance. I am not really familiar with that song, but he sold it. Now, what the he11 is up with the hoodie and black blazer combination??

7. Skunky Yeagerbomb: Very vapid remake of the Doobies. I can't see him sticking around, but WTF do I know? His hammy theatrics and stage movement reminded me of a 6th Grade play. This was a stinker.

8. Chik-fil-a Eze: Another redemption last night as Chicko-stick did a very decent job on "I believe". I think the jury is still out however, and he is by no means safe. Also, he argues with Simon, which is never a good thing.

9. Crossword Cook: The scruffy-headed rocker is the real deal when it comes to rockin the house. However, he has the personality of an hemorraging disc. Just cuz you're a word nerd, doesn't mean you have to be a rude dude with a 'tude. And if you want to stay in the race, STOP arguing with Simon!!! DOLT!

10. The Golden Boy: Aww shucks, what's not to like about this kid? He is polite, kind, humble, respectful and loaded with talent. That makes him an anomaly in my book. His rendition of Lennon was moving and masterful. Archuleta for President!

So there ya have it---the bar has been set by "da kid". Good luck to the rest of you, because you will need it. I am hoping next week is 80's week (seems to be the pattern) and let's hope and pray no one picks a disco or latin song. I will choke anyone who sings "conga" or "rhythm's gonna get ya". Pick the right songs kids!

Rankings for this week:

Golden Arch
Daisy Hernandez
Crossword Cook
Chick-Fil-A Eze
Aussie Mike
Dreadlock Castro
Poser Carrico
Danny Norry Eggnog
Luke Save big $ at Menard
Jason Yeagermeister

If Skunky Yeager and Mcstubble Menard last another week, I am screaming conspiracy! However, Danny Eggnog and Chik Fleezy are not safe either.

Barbies on Barbituates

The Top 12 women performed last night, and had a high bar to reach due to the solid performances by the guys. Unfortunately, they failed to deliver anything other than mediocrity. Oh sure, there were a few good ones, but most ranged from dopey to mopey.

One of the first things I noticed about our ladies, was the Barbie Doll syndrome. The resemblance to super models and magazine covergirls was pretty significant. Not a big fan of the performers that get by on looks, and I think we have a few that meet that criteria.

Again, it was 60's Night, and to me, most of the songs were insipid ballads that seemed to last 10 minutes each. Overall, a show that was dull and about as exciting as shortbread cookies.

On to the prom queens:

1. Karate Kristy Cook: Yawn... very boring, safe and unforgettable. Barbie 1 was a one trick pony in the prelims, relying on Amazing Grace TWICE to get to where she is. Someone give her some money to buy her horsey back.

2. Ernest Borgninella: The "plus size" model (I didn't make this up--those are her words!). I'm afraid that I really despised this song and her voice was pretty feeble last night. Not sure she'll stick around...

3. Alaina Underwood JR. Whitaker: Carrie's little sister, so that makes her Scout, right? She just turned 17, but turned in a solid performance. Finally, a Barbie that can sing--thank you!

4. Amanda Bachman Turner Overmyer: The Nurse Ratchet-Rocker kicked some @ss with that rock piece. Although, I didn't really care for the vocal performance, I think she will get by this time. She took a big risk, especially with that horrendous "scattin" attack. Please, never again!!!

5. Amy Ann B Davis: How can I f**k that name up? She had a nice, velvety delivery of a very boring song. I think her voice is fantastic, but song choice may doom her this early, which is unfortunate. Cripes people, don't you understand by now??? SONG CHOICE!

6. Babbling Brooke White: Giddy Brooke is an enigma on this show, which is why she must survive. I don't think the voice or performance was outstanding, but she has a great attitude and adds an eclectic slice to the Idol pie.

7. Alex ANDREA Lushingtonbirminghamtonson: Too many frickin' syllables in that name and Ryan Sea-crushed it into oblivion. She set his @ss straight though.. I was expecting some mundane Gladys or Arethra number, but was pleasantly surprised by the vocal and actually very impressed with the performance. Props to you!

8. Kadyshack Malloy, aka Barbie 3, The Britney impersonator was absolutely anemic with that lazy performance. If she didn't resemble Carmen Elektra, she would be immediately forgotten and kicked out immediately. Good riddance I say! When will the internet photos appear??? haha!

9. Southeast Asia'h Epperson: My bar is set high for her, so the performance was somewhat disappointing, but only because I expect her to be a Top 5 contender. It was still pretty good!

10. Schlemiel Malakar: Huge things come in small packages. This little smurf was very impressive and is growing on me. My only criticism? That she was wearing baseball pants.

11. Slushy Merrcado: You can tell this girl got a whole lotta attitude! This will either help her or hurt her. Eventually, she will get on the wrong people's nerves (I give her 2 more shows, and I'll be on my last). She is a great performer and singer--but so was Stephanie at this point last year...

12. Curly Tattoothson: Lots of pressure to be the best--Simon Scowl didn't make it easy on her, but I think he gets on the really good ones once in a while to keep them motivated. I thought she was fantabulous, and probably has the best pure singing voice on the show. Song choices will determine her fate! This song was kinda weird BTW---never heard of it!

All in all, not horrible, but not real conversation-piece worthy either. Not really caring that much for anyone at this point, so losing two tonight will not make me wallow in the mire.

Top 12 gals for 60's Night:

Schlemiel Malokar
Alaina Underwood Jr.
AsiaH Epp
Curly Smithson
Alexandretta Lush
Slushy Mercado
Nurse Rocket
Ann B Davis
Babbling Brooke
Kung Fu Kristy
Ernest Joanne Borgnine
Kadyshack Mall-annoy

Kady and Joanne should go home based on last night, but something tells me that poor little Ann B Davis might be returning to maid duties for the Bradys.

Stay tuned!

OUT.

Boys came to Conquer

Last night's Idol show featured the top 12 boys doing 60's Night. Here we go again with the themes. Theme nights would not be so bad if the singers would mix it up and do something creative with the material. The theme thing works in that it weeds the non-creative, non-original singers out. It's just hard to sit through the ones who are just mimicking the oldies.

That being said, I thought overall, last night's show was pretty durn good for the first night. There were really no stinky performances and a few exceptional ones! How the he11 am I going to make fun of these guys if they are all good??? I'll find a way...

First of all, although time consuming, it was pretty cool to get a glimpse of the performers before they went out to sing. Some of the guys that I didn't know from Adam were shown, and they all got a fair shake of airtime. I hate sitting there saying to myself, "who the f*** is this guy?" At least now I know who the dude who is getting belittled and insulted and what his background is.

Without further ado, your top 12...

1. David Speedy Hernandez: Wasn't too bad, but the song was boring and slow. It was forgettable, as Simon Scowl likes to say a lot.

2. McCheesy Easymac: All I can remember is that tomato soup colored suit and how blahhh this was. I really hated this song and the performance... Then he argued with Charcoal shirt man for an uncomfortably long time. You are on the chop block, Cheezy!!!

3. Dave TwoTone Cook: The redhead rocker provided some spark finally. Unfortunately, he ended his song on a whimpy note. He's safe.

4. Skunkboy Jason Yeager was next--thanks a lot for the sapfest PePe. Good gawd, that had more syrup than a Waffle House.
5. Rockin Robbie Carrico: The one true rocker out of the guys did a fine job on Three Dog Night's "One." This stood out for me, but then again, I am biased. He is Bo Bice with a beard and stocking cap.

6. Davey Boy Archuleta: Is this kid for real--he is a bundle of youth and infectious enthusiasm. He is both giddy and silly, but boy, the kid can sing! Great job ya little whippersnapper! He even made a Cap N Tenille song sound decent!!!

7. Danjaya Noriega: This guy takes the cake as far as attitude goes and his sass is just FABULOUSSSSS!!!! I think he is much more talented than Sandorka, but the song may have been the wrong one. I think he will stick around, at least for entertainment purposes.

8. McStubble Luke "save big money at" Menard: That song and performance was about as flat as warm Milwaukees Best. This was the lamest and most forgettable song of the night. Too bad for him because he is a good singer. FOOL!!!

9. Coldsore Berry: The little engine who couldn't. This was the blond kid who went head to head with Harry Potter at the end of Hollyweird week. Another tame performance, but it wasn't horrible.

10. Leif Garret Jackie Earl Haley Scarnato: Another hobbit doing karaoke. He looks like Barry Manilow and Robert Plant's long lost little brother. The song was slow and tender like roast turkey, but forgot the gravy!

11. Dreadlock Fidel Castro: Could be this year's Blake,but instead of beat boxing, he has the guitar and the voice vibrato to add to his game. Pretty good performance and kept it interesting.

12. Outback Mike Johns: Best for last? Perhaps, and it was good, but probably not his best performance--I think he has potential to do much better. I'm willing to bet he has bronchitis or pneumonia. He still did better than most regardless of his health.

Overall, pretty good first night for the dudes. Nothing was really bad, and there were a lot of good ones. Even the slow, sappy, forgettable songs were sung well.

Ratings for 60's Night:

Davey Boy Archuleta
Dreadlock Castro
Rocker Carrico
Outback Mike
TwoTone Cook
Speedy Hernandez
Skunkboy Yeager
Danjaya Noriega
Leif Garret
Colt45 Berry
McStubble Menard
Mayor McChezee

Voted off the island: I think McCheese will get another shot. So that leaves McStubble and either Speedy, Skunky or Colt45 as the other one.

Girls wrap coming up later!

OUT

Hollyweird Week: Instruments of Torture

Two nights ago was the beginning of the ever-lovin Hollywood week. This week is grueling and angst-ridden for most of the contestants. This is where we separate the pretentious from the contentious, and in some cases, contagious.

Before we get to the final 24, I must address the first night's show. It was really, really good. I hate saying that because it is more fun to ridicule and spray my sarcastic babble around. Last year's Hollywood show was pure and utter crap! We didn't really get to know anyone, and it was rushed. This season, we got two full hours and lots of personal stuff, as well as many performances. We skipped the Group performance debauchery as well.

It was pretty easy to see who are finalists would be by how much they showcased certain individuals. The G-Rated Blondie was the first to go and she was on TV more than 90% of the others. Same with Nurse Joplin and Blue-tongue Tattoo girl. For the guys, it was Josiah the crying faucet boy, Two-Tone hair guy, that creepy Antonio Banderas wannabe who was trying to hit on all the ladies (and Ryan). There was also that silly Harry Potter meets Clay Aiken dude with the tie. Let's not forget Kristy Lee Cook, the kick-boxin, calf-stompin, horse-chasin, girl (who already has or had a major record deal). The camera was sure in love with her!

The point is that the top 24, or at least most of them got the lion's share of the press.

Back to some of these performances... The first thing that struck me was the allowance of instruments. I can understand keyboards or a guitar IF, and I mean IF it can be pulled off. However, this one dingus had the bright idea of bringing a huge set of drums to play on while singing. "Animal" from the Muppet show is turning in his grave after that impotent performance. Talk about a dopey decision! There was another guy who brought his guitar and strummed it once, and it sounded like a broken dehumidifier. DUMBA$$!

The other knucklehead that I will not miss seeing again is that greasy haired molester from Venezuela who thought he was trying out for Desperado, Part Duex. His Bryan Adams karaoke was horror for my ears. And his smoochin all the females made me want to wash my TV screen with bleach. I heard his breath stunk of onions and socks.

Ok, let's cut the crap and get to the Top 24 show. As I mentioned, no surprises really. The only thing that irritated me other than all the sappy crying, was that there were about 4 dudes who made the top 24 that I have NO recollection of seeing or hearing... EVER. This is the A.I. producer's Kiss of Deth! People who don't get any air time prior to the finals are usually taking a dirt nap before the Top 12 starts. I don't expect that trend to change. So there's Dippy Dredlok, Skunkboy, McStubbly, and Hairy Twinklefoot. Who the he11 are these freaking guys??? Why did I have to endure Harry Potter and the Goblet of Dorkness all this time? And that Josiah kid who arguably had the most camera time EVER--well he got the boot back to his car. What was the point of that? Speaking of Josiah, man he really screwed the pooch on that last song---what the f*** were you thinking son??? It's probably a good thing he is going home--he was the next Scumjaya Malokar.

In any event, like I said, no surprises. My early favorites are: the Aussie who sang Bohemian Rhapsody, the 2-Tone hair boy who sang Bryan Adams (cripes--who DIDN'T?), Amanda the Rockin Nurse, Asia Epperson, and Tattoo-Girl.

My darkhorse is that little blond kid who beat Harry Potter at the end--I think he could sneak up on people.

The Haley Scarnato "I get by on my looks" award goes to Kung Fu Kristy Cook and the Scudjaya "I suck @ss" award will most likely go to that flatulent Danny Noriega.

I just hope that after five seasons, the contestants FINALLY understand how important song choice is. Let's also pray for no DISCO or LATIN nights. PLEASE......

OUT

No Time for Idolatry

It has become America’s biggest and boldest TV spectacle over the last five years. It is recession-proof, and the fact that porous content and quality doesn’t seem to phase it is jaw-dropping. I am talking about the colossal and commodious enigma that is American Idol.

At the time of this writing, the Hollywood rounds have just ended and we are at the Top 50. I can probably predict who most of those 10 are just by noticing who the producers and judges are primping, preening and sheening.

The cameras are constantly badgering the same handful of people. Gosh, I feel like I know poor Josiah, the kid who lives out of his car. Or Asia, the girl who lost her dad two days before the preliminary auditions. Then there’s Carly, the girl with the killer voice and tattoos.

Other notable characters are the Rock N Roll Nurse who rides a Harley and the dippy wannabe politician who looks like the offspring of Harry Potter and Clay Aiken. Could he be the next Chris Daughtry? I think not—let’s try the next Sanjaya, that silly little pony-hawked nincompoop from last season.

One person you will NOT see later this season is the annoying, pretentious dance team leader. If you ask me, she was more than ready for the cold, hard slap of a humility haymaker. Her copious amount of overconfidence was her undoing. Thank you judges for passing on this preening teen!

Another pseudo-singer that will smell the feet of defeat is that one guy with the nasally, whiny boy-band voice. It is both razor-thin and displeasing. I haven’t seen or heard him yet, but there is one EVERY season. Good riddance to you, Nostril-damus

You know, it is fun to take potshots at the immovable object that is A.I. However, would we really want it any other way? If every single finalist or top 24 were brimming with talent, would the show still be fun or exciting to watch? Probably not. My goodness, what would I write about and what would we wax about around the water cooler?

American Idol works because it is not perfect—it is flawed, unfair and gets it wrong some of the time. Perhaps the reason Idol is the number one show in America, is that we can all see a little piece of our imperfect little selves in this giant A.I. mirror of society.